scarves.

|| kiyoomi sakusa. there's only so much scarves can do.
|| gender neutral! reader
|| 1938 words, angst, second person

--

(It was winter when you fell in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi.)

"Are you cold?"

"Just a little..." you answer.

"Why didn't you wear a scarf?" he asks, eyebrows scrunched in what you'd label as his judgy look. As if he's scolding a small child who forgot to take their medicine.

"I did," you insist. "It got caught on a nail and the whole thing tore."

He shoots you a dubious look and you frown at him, slipping off one strap of your backpack to present evidence. "It's in here right now!" You pat the bag and there's a faint sound of notebooks and pens being strewn about.

He shakes his head. "Don't bother," he says and opens his bag. "It's still a result of your unpreparedness."

"Kiyoomi, that's rude..."

He hands you an extra scarf. He makes sure not to touch your hand when he does so. You don't point out how you two are wearing winter gloves so it shouldn't really be a big deal.

"You can have it."

"What kind of Middle Schooler has an extra scarf just lying around?"

He looks pointedly at you, but he doesn't say anything. The scarf looks expensive, it's made of cashmere like those fancy clothes you see on television; there is a smattering of intricate embroideries sewn on its surface too which just further supports your theory.

"I'll return it."

"Don't," he says. "Your germs will be on it."

"I can clean it!" you protest.

"You'll have to replace your old scarf," he says. "That'll save you the trouble."

"We're in Tokyo, Kiyoomi," you tell him. The scarf is in your hands and you crumple it as an addendum to your rising insistence. "I can buy a scarf wherever."

He sighs, murmurs something underneath his breath and grabs the scarf from your clutches. You're still dawdling over the action when he wraps it around your neck. "You'll catch a cold, idiot."

You don't say anything. It's a simple gesture, a ridiculously plain one that doesn't merit any sort of attention. And yet... you tug at the frays of the scarf as you walk behind him, looking at his back, his hands shoved into the pockets of his pants, your shoes scrunching in the thin layer of snow that encompassed the pathway. It was a simple layer of fabric and yet the simple gesture made through that simple layer of fabric made you feel warmth.

(It was winter when you fell in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi.)

"You're in love with him, aren't you?" Komori asks, straight to the point. There's a smile on his face as he stretches on the gymnasium floor. You're seated in one of those foldable plastic chairs, hands in your lap twisting and turning.

An affirmation of his question is given through a simple nod of the head.

Komori sighs and shakes his head, pausing his stretching routine to pour his entire attention towards you. "Listen... you've been by his side since you two were kids so you probably know Sakusa more than I do, but honestly, do you think it's going anywhere?" You smile at him. It's supposed to give him assurance but it falters when he drops the words you don't want to hear. "He's bound to break your heart."

"I know..." you whisper, looking down. You are aware of that painful reality, but you still cling to that meager warmth these feelings provide you. "Thanks for the warning Komori."

He finishes stretching, stands up and places a hand on top of your head. He's not really older than you, but Komori has always been doting, like a big brother you can rely on despite his tendency to be petty and teasing. "Hey... I worry about you, okay? Don't let that clean freak break your heart."

He joins Sakusa and the rest; Sakusa turns to you, there's a questioning look pasted on his face, but you wave it away with a smile. The diving drills begin and his attention is no longer on you.

When you walk home together, the autumn air caresses your skin, bright vermillions and dandelions scattering about the pavements. You're walking side by side. It's different from when you used to walk behind him, but it's still the same when you really think about it. That distance you can never hope to cross. A daunting hollow cavern which you can never hope to pass lest you risk hurting yourself with those sharp rocks that threaten to slice you to pieces.

"What were you and Komori talking about?"

A pause. Another breeze that makes the dead branches release the remaining leaves that cling to them. You're wearing the scarf he gave you years ago, it's a little frayed, threads hanging loose on the sides, but the warmth is still there, enveloping you in a tight embrace.

You smile.

"He said you were going to break my heart."

"Ah..."

You don't talk all the way to the gates of your apartment. You murmur goodbye and run to the second floor where your room is located, hurrying to the bathroom to draw yourself a bath. The warm water splashes onto you, droplets damping the path from your hair, face, down to your shoulders and chest, and you hope that it is enough to somehow melt away the traces of snow that render you a shivering mess. Your reflection in the mirror stares back at you.

Hands move to your cheeks, touching the droplets of water cascading down your body.

You're not quite sure if they're tears.

The next day, Sakusa's behavior doesn't change. He's generally aloof and you try to stay the same, but there's an overwhelming urge to drown the entire academy in tears. Komori notices, he pats your back and gets you a drink with your favorite flavor from the vending machine. Sakusa pretends to not notice, or at least you think he does. Maybe he does notice, but chooses not to say anything. He's never been the sentimental type.

Volleyball practice starts and everyone is feeling the tension creep over the air. You attempt to cheer them up with a couple of sweet words, a smile or two that doesn't quite reach your eyes and promises of the coach treating everyone to barbecue if they win the prefectural qualifiers.

"We're going to beat the hell out of those owls!" somebody says and Komori interjects that, "They're on a different block so we have to win until the Finals first."

Everyone laughs. You do too. Sakusa just looks ahead. You turn away when he looks at your direction. Iizuna-senpai tells everyone to resume practice. Sakusa does as he's told.

You two walk home again.

Silence creeps, punctuated with the occasional hum of car engines and irritating honks from the road. A couple of children run past the two of you and almost hits Sakusa, but he evades them just in time. The parent apologises and you accept the apology in lieu of your friend who's taken to hiding behind you.

Laughter. You wonder if it's genuine, it makes your chest feel light and the world around you a bit brighter. "Really Kiyoomi," you tell him. "I feel bad for those people. You were looking at them as if they were cockroaches."

"They might as well be," he answers.

You shake your head and chuckle. The rest of the walk is quiet. Your apartment draws near, the same pavement with azaleas and dogwoods blooming on the flower boxes in front of your neighbors' picket fence. The scent mixes with the autumn air; tree barks, wilting leaves and the aroma of warm drinks that waft pass the open windows of the nearby houses.

You feel a tug on the edge of your scarf and you turn to Sakusa, tilting your head to the side. "Kiyoomi?"

"Let's date," he tells you and there is nothing romantic about it. It's cool and perfunctory, just another simple gesture that probably meant nothing to him, but meant everything to you.

A smile. "Let's."

Nothing changes. It's supposed to. And yet nothing changes. You don't know if you want something to change, but that nagging feeling of wanting change is tugging at your insides.

Sakusa is the same Sakusa you fell in love with. He has his moments of kindness, those pinpricks of warmth you hold dear. You cheer him and the rest of the team on during the prefectural qualifiers. They are aware that the two of you are dating and they occasionally do some teasing. But between Sakusa's deadpan response and your curt smiles, the interest abates and they go mind their own business. Komori is the one who doesn't give up. When Sakusa catches the two of you speaking, he's always asking if the former is jealous and opts to leave as he doesn't want to "get in the way of you two lovebirds."

You wonder if he still thinks that Sakusa is going to break your heart.

When they win Interhigh (the best in the country, the best the best the best), you cry tears of joy along with everyone else and there's a lot of embracing and cheers and screams.

Sakusa doesn't embrace you. There's no screams and cheers from him.

"Congratulations Kiyoomi!"

He simply smiles.

And you know it then.

He's really going to break your heart.

It's winter again. You're no longer wearing the scarf he gave you years ago. The threads have long since unravelled. Dollops of snow gather in the sidewalk, there are icicles hanging near the gate to your apartment. Heart hammering in your chest, you call for him before he can leave.

"Hey Kiyoomi... why me?"

A pause. His brows are furrowed. You wonder what he's seeing when he looks at you like this. Is it a pathetic sight to behold? Or is it something else, something stronger, something that's ready to face forward and embrace the cold? "What do you mean?"

"Why did you ask me to date you?"

He doesn't think too hard when it comes to formulating a response. A breath of frost that curls in the air, swirls upwards into the grey sky. Flecks of snow begin to fall, one snowflake drops into your cheeks and melts giving the illusion of a tear streaking down your visage. "You don't make me sick."

A smile. "I see."

You want to stay with this solace, with this meager warmth he's offered, but... "Kiyoomi," you murmur then paste a dazzling smile on your face. "Let's go back to being friends tomorrow..."

He looks at you. Sakusa Kiyoomi doesn't love you; no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much you try to make him do so, he will never ever fall in love with you. It's like pushing a boulder up the hill with gods and fate deciding to push it down every time you try to reach the goal. He cares for you, maybe he even has a special place for you in his heart, but it isn't the same as your love. Where yours is a burning, smoldering flame, the one he can reciprocate is only a swish of candle fire.

It's not that Sakusa is incapable of love, it's just that he'll never be able to love you the way he's meant to truly love someone.

Scarves will warm you for a short amount of time, a minuscule flicker of warmth amid chilling snowstorms, but at the end of the day, what you truly need is a home.

"Let's."

(It was winter when you fell in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi. It was also winter when you decided to let him go.)

--

|| the hinata oneshot was supposed to come next, but i finished this one first so...
|| please tell me what you think ♡
|| writing sakusa's character is difficult. and it doesn't help that he doesn't appear frequently in both the anime and manga.
|| anyways, hope you guys enjoy ♡
|| as always, stay safe ♡
|| kylalily, 2020