I've seen it. Those people who are just so magically strong. Whether they've been blessed and been born with that fighting spirit, or whether they've had so many blows the only choice they've had is to learn how to block them or give them back.

I live on road B. If you go to the right side of the road you go to the flat road, if you go to the left you have what's called the aspiring road. All my life I've been somewhere in between, never falling in one category. But I'm not like the people on the flat road, I wish to God I had their strength. Meanwhile I wish I had the 'no care attitude' of the ones from aspiring road.

I see how the people from both sides look at me, they can't make up their mind which side I'm more like, because everyone leans one way or the other. They've been trying to figure me out for ten years. See that's when they start looking to see whether you're going to be one of the ones that falls down or one of the ones that stays up.

I'm 18 now. I should have decided which way I want to go. What I want to do with my life. I should be dead set in my career or dead set against having one; I'm neither.

See I have the passion for too many different things in one area. How can I begin to choose one or bundle them all except up into one little box. I can't make that choice like I should. The deadline for my community's choice day is in 10 weeks. No one knows what happens if you miss it or you don't turn up, all we know is the ones that do you never hear of past that day.

If I don't hurry it one up and as my friends say get my life together who knows what will happen to me...

I should care I should be up all hours doing all training and volunteering that I can, but I've done that for two years solid and now I'm just tired. So damn tired.

I hear Mum crying most nights. She did so much but in the end she stuck she's in two jobs trying to get enough money. She likes going to one and she dreads the other, but she's had to go to get the money. Sometimes I think she wishes she made different decisions, she deep down feel or has learnt to feel she didn't do enough. She's so scared I'll do the same and end up stuck.
I want to stop her worries but I can't, I just can't. I'm scared but how I can I tell people when you're expected to be strong and brave if you want to get anywhere. All I know is if I tell mum it could break her, I'm not even exaggerating, I know the hope she holds that I'll get there, I'll get somewhere and keep building it so life's good is all that holds her to get her sometimes.

Its now 6 am, and I have 7 weeks 6 days and 21 hours.

I know I won't be getting any sleep but even the sleep deprivation doesn't explain the visions I'm having. Mum is sat at the table, facing the fall and there are two suitcases (our best) sat by the door. She should have another half an hour before her alarm goes off for job number one, so why on earth is she sat at the table and why are two of our best suitcase by the front door? Am I sleepwalking or is something seriously wrong?

"Mum? What's wrong?"

"Crap!"

Now I got close to could see was going through paperwork in front of her. Which didn't make any sense, she wasn't allowed to take papers home from work, because of confidentiality.

"Just what do you thinking to see doing creeping down the stairs at 6 in the morning Evelyn Rae??"

Note to self: full first name use spells trouble.

"Don't even try Mum. You need to explain what is going on. You have important looking papers in front of you and there's two suitcases by the door!"

"Evelyn Rae Luca-Delamore do not speak to me like that!"

Note to self: Approach with caution and avoid use of whole name. Becuase that really means something is wrong.

I could see the emotions that passed through her face as she tried to figure out what to say. She looked so broken when she closed her eyes that all I wanted to do was rewind and stop and go back upstairs when I spotted the suitcases.

"Evie, oh Baby girl. It's all I could do. I tried so hard, but this is it. It's all I could do. I'm sorry I'm so sorry Baby.."

Nothing made sense. I couldn't look at her because hearing the tears was one thing but seeing them was another.

"What happened Mum? You're not making any sense.."

The silence was worse than the crying.

"They moved it. The submission deadline. Two hours ago they moved it to today. Aunty Bea. Thank god for Aunty Bea. I'm sorry Baby I had no choice."

As she passed me the papers that were half covered in water I struggled to try and catch up. Nothing was making sense.

Application approved:

Evelyn Rae Luca-Delamore

Transfer to Block A.

Programme type: M

Everything was blurry. Transfer? Programme type?

"Mumm..?"

"You have to do it Baby. You have to be strong. Pretend ok. Pretend it's Mia, do whatever you have to. You have to pretend you are a mother. Don't show any fear but don't fight. Take the baby and be strong. Do what the leader tells you. You can't get kicked out of the programme do you hear me? That's your safety card."

"What the hell Mum? Pretend I am a mother? Take the baby? What programme?"

"They've changed it all Evie. If you don't have the decision forms already filled out in half an hour You'll be one of them, one of the people who no one knows what happened to. I had to do, Me and Aunty Bea had to do it. This programme was our only choice. There's lie detectors now, you couldn't have handed papers in when you don't know. I'd never see you again! I don't know everything about the program. I wish I did. All I know is it has something to do with taking care of a baby or babies and that you'll be safe. I can't answer any of your questions right now, we've wasted enough time. You need to go shower and get dressed and I need to make sure you have everything and the papers are all in order."

I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. All I could think is fudgeeeeeeeee

And then the doorbell rang..
Aunty Bea was never bossy but it seems today the caring soft Aunty was gone.

"Evie darling go and get dressed. Wear something comfortable but not too casual please. Oh and put your hair in a bun. Now please."

All I could do was force one foot in front as my aunt pushed me in the direction of the stairs.

"Problem .. no ... no .. 2 now.. had to."

"She can't... 2? Oh Bea she can't .."

"What other choice is there Lea?"

It's now 8.59 am. I'm in Aunty Bea's car and I'm no closer to finding out was I'm going on or where we are going. We've been driving for over an hour, when we pull up in front of a big building that from the outside looks like a house but a house 20 times the size of a normal one.

"We're here Evie. I can only help you with your bags I can't come in with you. But you'll be fine. Our strong girl."

Great so the Aunt that has been like a second Mum to me growing up is leaving me at some strange place .. but I'll be 'fine'. Yeah for some reason I'm not loving it.

Aunty Bea had already both suitcases out and had started wheeling one towards the front door by the time I'd made it out of the car.

As she stood at the front door I saw a flicker of fear pass over her face before the supposed to be reassuring smile was back. Right before she rang the bell she turned to me and whispered "Remember what ever happens Pretend. Just pretend. Pretend like a mother would." Before I even had time to reply she had pressed the bell and the door was opening.

"Name and Program?"

"Evelyn Rae. Program M"

"Say your goodbyes then take your suitcases down the left hallway and knock on door C."

With that the woman that answered the door was gone.

I could see it on her face. The smile was there but I knew her too well. She couldn't hide the tears no matter how much she wanted to.

"Well Evie, you know I love you like you were my own. I won't say goodbye because I can't. So be strong Baby."

"I love you .. Aunty Bea .. I .."

With tears running down her cheeks she pulled me to her in what felt like goodbye.

"Be strong. Pretend."

Then she was gone. Leaving me to wonder what on earth was going on.

As I walked down the left corridor trying to find a door with the letter C on it was silent, well except for now when I stood in front of a door with the letter C on, and the first thing was the very loud noise of hysterical crying.

Great.

I didn't bother knock because I figured no one would hear me over the crying. As I tried my best not too burst into tears I took in the room.

Crammed. Crammed full of girls like me. Around 18. Some crying, some filling out forms, some just sat there with their eyes closed, as if they would wake up and find it was all just a dream.

I don't know how long I stood there trying to take it all in, before a tall lady with a clipboard stood directly in front of me.

"Name?"

"Uhh.. Evelyn Rae .."

She ran her pen down her clipboard, before stopping, looking at me and then looking back at her clipboard. She pulled out her phone and began shouting instructions which surprise surprise I didn't understand what they were or what they meant.

"Downstairs. Program M. 1359. Code S. B number 1. Now."

As she stood staring at me with her left eyebrow raised, all I wanted was for the clock to go back to 6 that morning. Where instead of going downstairs I would stay in bed and pretend to be asleep. I just wanted this whole confusing situation to go away.

"Ma'am which h number and b number?"

A guy that looked a lot like security was now talking to the woman with the clipboard.

"23 and 1. Escort to after."

Then she turned to me.. "Now Evelyn you will be heading of to your assigned program have you pre registered?"

"Umm .. I'm not sure. Maybe ..?"

"Do you have any papers your Mother or anyone gave you?"

Searching through my bag I took out the papers that my mum had shoved into my bag while she tried to make me eat breakfast.

"Perfect. All in order. Good luck Evelyn."

And with that she was gone. Leaving me with the security looking guy. Who started walking then gestured for me to follow him. As he walked back towards the front door, then went to unlock a car. All I could thing was hell no. After everything this morning nothing should surprise me, but getting into a car with a strange man? I don't think so.

"Right we're waiting for two other people then we'll head off."

"Where are we going?"

"To your program. You'll be the first stop."

The look he gave me stopped me asking all the questions I had running through my head.

It's now 10.49. We're pulling up to a hospital. The alarm bells are ringing.

The driver takes a file off of the passenger seat and passes it to me.

"Right go up to the front desk and give them this file. Good luck."

With that he gets out and I can see him taking my cases out the boot.

As I get out and prepare myself for what will face me when I walk in. None of my wildest dreams could have prepared me for the next few hours.

The lady at the front desk took the file, read it and now she's leading me down a corridor.

Maternity and paediatric ward

Wait what?

"Excuse me but why are we going down this ward? What is going on?"

She only shook her head at me and carried on walking.

As she stopped, she pressed the buzzer on the door, and a woman in scrubs along with two security/official looking men stood to the side of her.

The lady from reception passed my file over and the lady in scrubs read it.

"Right come on then Evelyn." She then turned to one of the men and said "project commencing at 11.03 am"

All I could do was follow her, wondering what on earth was going to happen. I got the feeling this was very messed up, whatever happens. All I could do was hope I was safe. Mum wouldn't agree to this if she thought I would be in danger. Would she?

As we walked further I realised this wasn't a room and we were and walking down a corridor. There were strange noises that I couldn't make out but I got the sense the rooms were supposed to be sound proof from the look on the lady's face as we walked pass.

As we stopped at a room, the lady in scrubs opens the door and gestured for me to go in first. Right now I was beginning to feel my life was in danger. That's when I heard a mewling noise and then a .. cry?

As the lady pulled me in I could see we were in a room and there was a baby laying in one of those plastic looking things that you see on hospital programmes.

Everyone was watching me. And the ladies eyebrows were raised as she was writing faster by the second on a clipboard. The baby was now crying so hard I thought it was in pain or dying.
As another lady came in and started staring at me then writing in a book.

Pretend like a mother would

Something wasn't right, but all I could her was Aunty Bea's words ringing in my head.

Pretend

As I got nearer to the baby it was so small I almost backed up. What was I thinking. What if I dropped it?

Pretend like a mother would

As I picked it up it began to cry even harder, which I thought was impossible. Until I finally got my grip and held the baby close to me like I'd seen mothers on our road do, and like I'd done when I was babysitting and Bea's baby was still alive.

The baby wasn't crying anymore.

"Next stage. Move her into program B2."

If I wasn't holding a baby I'm pretty sure I would have tried to run. There was something seriously wrong and messed up here.