**** Thank you all for all the kind words and funny responses you give me in the the comments, it really makes my day and gives me the determination to update this every day, which I am trying very hard to do :)

Ughh wattpad fucking deleted most of what I had already written now I have to rewrite it fuck -.- I seriously want to cry and scream right now I had so much written and I don't remember what exactly it was ughhhh fuck me ****

This was it; my first birthday without Him. My first birthday to be 'celebrated' since I turned 15.

I was 21. I was sober. I was in a rehabilitation center. I was safe from Him. I had my friends.

But what I didn't have was Ronnie. He still hated me, still wouldn't talk to me. Leah said that Ryan told her that he just needed some time to get through it, but I knew it wouldn't be as easy as giving him a few more months.

I was getting out at the end of the month if all went well, and I hated to think that when I was out I wouldn't have Ronnie in my life. It made me want to cry; my heart clenched and my lungs deflated when I thought about it.

I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I almost wanted to stay in this place because at least then I wouldn't have to run into Ronnie; I could at least pretend that the reason that I never saw him was because he was too busy and far away to see me.

But out there, I would have to admit to myself that he didn't want to see me and face it. It made tears burn and sting in my eyes.

Leah had told me that they had a surprise for me for my birthday. I was at a loss at to what it could be though.

It couldn't be food, because hello, we were recovering addicts in this center, and the nurses and doctors didn't want anyone sneaking drugs in and messing with our detox, like pot brownies or such.

It couldn't be an actual gift because I couldn't keep things from the outside in here, because the officials didn't want to risk it.

So what could it be? I had no idea.

I knew for sure only one thing: it wasn't Ronnie, because he hated me, and he'd never come to see me.

Maybe they got Jacky to come see more, Or Max or Andy, I don't know.

I was currently laying on the floor with Lester, breathing deeply and imagining all the things that could happen so that I wouldn't have to see Ronnie ever again, see the anger, indifference, whatever it was he felt now, for me in his eyes.

I thought of all the things that could happen so that I wouldn't have to face Ronnie out there.

A hurricane could kill me. Or a tsunami. An earthquake maybe. Someone could go crazy killer and murder me.

So basically, I could die, that was the only way to avoid it. Or I could make sure I get locked away forever, but did I really want that? No.

What I wanted was Ronnie. I wanted Ronnie.

But that was just tough luck for me, because he didn't want me. And he never would again, because I fucked up bad.

A ding sounded through the room, signaling the end of this activity. The trainer came over to me and held her hand out for the leash, and I watched as she took him away from me.

I watched until I could see his tail peeking out of the door, and then he disappeared.

I sulked to the visitor room, sighing deeply and thinking about Ronnie.

I kept my head down, looking at my feet, and shuffled over to my meeting area in the corner of the room.

But when I got to my chair, it was blocked by pairs of feet. 1 pair, 2, 3, 4,..... How many people were here?

I looked up slowly and jumped back in surprise, gasping.

There were a lot of facing staring at me.

Leah, Luna, Echo, Andy, Max, Jinxx, Ashley, Jake, CC, Ryan, Jacky, and Derek. And they were all smiling at me.

"Happy birthday!" Luna squealed, and then everyone was crowding me, getting in a line that was more of a mosh-pit to hug me and wish me well on my birthday.

I couldn't help myself, I knew it was hopeless, but I still searched the faces, knowing the face I was looking for wouldn't be there.

Ronnie. He wasn't here. Of course he wasn't, he hated me.

I tried to be happy, I really did, because it was so nice of them to come here. But I couldn't help but think of how the rest of Black Veil Brides came, whom I had never spoken to before, aside from Ashley, whom I had spoken to once, at the club.

They didn't even know me, and they were here. But Ronnie wasn't here, and he knew more about me than anyone else here.

It hurt. I won't lie, it hurt a fuck-ton.

I really wasn't helping my already sour mood by thinking about how much Ronnie despised me...

The nurses brought out a tiered cake, vanilla with white frosting, and set it on a tray in the middle of the room. Everyone got some, the patients, the visitors, the nurses, everyone.

They gave me the first, and biggest piece, birthday tradition I guess. But I didn't feel like eating, I felt like sleeping forever and drowning in my tears.

I slipped most of my cake onto CC's plate when he wasn't looking, knowing he wouldn't notice because he didn't look at his plate when he ate, he was busy talking with people.

Everyone joked around with me and smiled, trying to cheer me up and make my birthday happy. They told me of the things they would do with me, show me, when I got out.

I tried to smile, but I felt horrible, and I knew my girls could tell. Jacky could tell too, but he didn't press me, he just smiled and squeezed my hand a bit.

It was so nice of them all to come, give up their day to see me and wish me a happy birthday. I'm sure it took all morning to drive her, and it would take all afternoon to drive back to wherever they came from.

But I just couldn't bring myself to be overly happy. I was tired, and I was sad.

Leah came over to me and sat in my lap, and I saw something unrecognizable in Ryan's eyes. Hmm.....

I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her neck, sighing.

"You're getting out in a few weeks, don't be so dead-beat" she teased, and I grumbled in response.

"Ryan's been telling me about places for rent and sale that he's seen, and this weekend he's taking me to an apartment complex in L.A. so I can see the rooms there. By the time you get out, we'll have our very own place, imagine" she said, and I looked to see her eyes glassy, a dreamy look on her face.

"I can't tell if you're more happy about getting an apartment, or having Ryan take you to look at them" I teased, laughing into her neck.

"Shut up" she said, but there was a slight smile playing at her lips, a light blush coating her cheeks.

It was over too soon, and everyone started piling out, waving goodbye to me or coming over to hug me again before leaving.

I saw Ryan pull Leah to him and whisper in her ear, and soon he was leaning over and she was jumping on his back, and he was giving her a piggy-back ride out of this place.

I smiled, but it fell as soon as the door closed, locking me away inside while they roamed in the sun.

I sighed and couldn't pay attention the rest of the day.

I just wanted to know that I would have Ronnie in my life when I got out. But I wouldn't.

I wouldn't, because I fucked up and I didn't know how to fix it.

Oh Ryker, what have you done, you've ruined everything.......