**** I know it's late late late I'm so sorry ****

When I woke up, it was early morning. I lay quietly for a while, unmoving, staring up at the ceiling for a few moments.

Then I shifted slightly, turning and looking over at Ronnie.

Yesterday I had been brave, but I had also lied. If Ronnie kicked me out, I don't know if I'd be able to handle it again. The fighting, it was brutal, painful.

Why was loving someone so hard? Love was supposed to be beautiful, wonderful, not agonizing and torturous.

I looked away quickly, holding my breath as I gently slid my legs over the edge of the bed, slipping to the floor quietly and getting dressed.

I stood in the doorway for a while, staring down at Ronnie's sleeping form. I felt lots of things looking at him- happiness swelling in my stomach, along with dread and anxiety and terror about what would happen later. Doubt coursed through my veins, a toxic blood spreading through my body and infecting my mind.

Maybe it would be better for us to give up on each other, nothing is going right between us. Maybe it's best to accept that things can't be the same and just move on.

But I don't want to move on, I can't move on from him. He was my everything.

Throughout almost my entire life he had been a constant, and once he was actually physically in my life, he had been such a sweetheart to me, he had helped me, we had been through so fucking much that it would be impossible to even try to find someone to replace him, no one could make me feel the way he does, no one could do things the way he does.

And if I give up on him, where does that leave me? I'd miss him with every ounce of my being. He was like my sinews, like the threads of skin keeping my bones and muscles attached, without him I'd fall apart into nothing.

We had gotten through His torture, how the hell could anything else stop us? How could something as simple yet complex as arguments tear us apart? How could I let it? But then, how could I stop it? I'm at a loss. Can't move forward, can't go back. I'm frozen in this cycle of the present.

Sending him one last look, I creeped out of the room and tried quietly slinking down the stairs. There were a few squeaks, but I hoped that they weren't enough to wake him. I wanted a clean getaway.

Good job, beat him to kicking you out by kicking yourself out. You're totally saving yourself the trouble. Coward.

Fine, I was being a coward. I'll admit it, but I couldn't handle it if he reacted the way he always seems to nowadays. I can't fight anymore, I'm too exhausted. I'm too drained.

How do you know he'll react like that?

How do I know that he won't? I can't risk it.

I opened the front door, hesitating in the doorway, my heart moving to clog my throat, my lungs expanding exponentially.

There was a creak behind me, and I turned to see Ronnie standing at the top of the stairs in his boxers with a hardcore case of sex-bedhead.

"Now you're the one walking out on us?" He asked, and I swallowed my heart back down.

"Can't let you have all the fun" I said quietly, sighing.

"We need to talk" he said, and I bit my lip, looking to the outside and hesitating.

I really wanted to run, I could bolt right now, escape and pretend I never heard him say that. But it was too late, he was already in front of me, and he gently closed to door, leaning into me slightly.

His hands pinned me in place but holding onto the door beside my shoulders, trapping me. I could duck under his arm, but what was the point, really?

"Look. You were right last night. I was trying to repress my feelings, because I was scared that everything would go wrong. Of course, everything went wrong because of that, so it wasn't the best choice on my part" he explained, breathing lightly.

I leaned against the door, heart hammering in my chest as I stared at him, listening deeply.

"But, I think we need to take it slow" he said, and I raised my eyebrows. It was a little, no, a lot too late to 'take it slow'.

"Not like that, I just mean, we should lay down some rules" he said, and I nodded quietly, scared to breath, nonetheless speak. What would he say?

"First, I think we should keep this on the low, because when other people get involved everything gets complicated" he said, and I nodded.

I'll admit I felt a little hurt, because even though I knew it wasn't true, but I couldn't help but feel that he was ashamed to be seen with me.

"Second, I think we shouldn't see each other every day. We should have some space, so we don't snap at each other so much" he continued, and I bit my lip, trying to focus on him while my mind was drifting into fantasies of an easier life with him as a constant in it.

"Third, no one says I love you. Neither of us should feel pressured into it, and when we get passionate we tend to act out. We need to keep it casual for a while, work our way up to wherever we end up going" he finished.

I swallowed back the pain at his words. Pressured? I didn't feel pressured to tell him how I felt, I did love him, and I wasn't afraid of it. Well, I was afraid, but more that he wouldn't reciprocate my feelings rather than the fact that I had feelings. Loving him was as easy as breathing, it was the showing him that was the hard part.

I nodded lightly, taking a deep breath. His words were swirling in my head, and at the rate my mind was drifting it would take a while for everything to sink in fully. I needed time to think about the rules and figure out what had just happened between us.

"Okay, well, I guess, I'll, go?" I said, and he nodded, removing his hands from the door and freeing me from his caged arms.

"Bye" he said lightly, licking his lips and nodding mindlessly.

This was like the awkward teenage one night stand when you wake up hungover with a stranger and can't quite remember exactly what happened but you're pretty sure you fucked but neither of you want to ask so you sort of just stare at each other nodding.

"Yeah, uh, bye" I said, walking out quickly to escape the situation that was growing more and more awkward by the second.

Rules? We have rules....