**** I am so sorry that it's come to this, with such sporadic updates. I'm really trying, but my life has gotten über complicated and I just haven't had the heart to write.

But I will be finishing this book if it takes me months, I'll continue it. Thank you for sticking by me these past few months, and thanks for being understanding about my writing situation! ****

*Ryker*

I lay there for hours, not asleep, not awake, just there. Something inbetween living and dead, that's what I've become. A machine, a mindless drone. Nothing.

What am I? A robot? Who am I? Someone doomed to a painful existence? Why am I here, really? To be tortured? What could possibly be worth all this pain?

This thing with Ronnie, it's torture.

Fighting, fucking, nothing has any meaning anymore. What's the point? It's agonizing, the bad times, they're insufferable. The good times are tainted by the knowledge that the bad was coming. The highs were getting lower and lower, the lows, well, they were Hell. Why was it like this? Why couldn't I get the fairytale ending? Did I not deserve to be completely happy?

What was my purpose here? What, was I just a way for the gods to get a laugh as I fucked everyone up? Was I meant to destroy? I wrecked everything. I did no good. So why? Why was I here? Surely there has to be a reason....?

Why did I have to be tortured like this? Why did the world have to flaunt Ronnie in front of my face? Why was I given a taste of his company only to have him ripped away in the worst way? And why did I fall for it every god damn time?

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm to blame for all the bad. Maybe if it weren't for me Ronnie would be happy, everyone would be happy with a love true and lasting.

Then what was I to do? Be alone forever, worthless and not needed, not wanted?

It was torturous, there were no words to express how agonizing it felt to be in this continuous cycle of love and hate, passion and torture.

Sharp teeth with biting words, soft hands with claws that punctured my mind, my heart, my body. How could something be so bad when it looked so sweet? Hell in the form of heaven?

Am I better off dead?

At this point, I don't even know if I'm alive or not. Maybe this is Hell, and I'm on a loop of my worst nightmares. Maybe this is a hallucination, maybe I'm still in the pit, maybe I'm still in prison. How can I know?

I can't.

There is no way to be sure. Nothing is ensured. Life is a mystery. Well, maybe I'm tired of solving it, maybe I don't want to solve it, maybe I want to give up. I'm not cut out for this!

I'm tired, I'm heartbroken, and I'm just so sick of it all, really. I'm no match for this mystery, I can't find the answer. I don't have the heart for it, I don't have the strength to go on.

I need a break, I need a holiday, I need to go one day without feeling so fucking empty that I could fit a homeless family of seven inside of my soul with room for more.

And maybe there isn't even an answer. Maybe this is just another trick to mess with my mind, fuck with my feelings. Real funny.

I am nothing but hurt, broken, shattered. I can't go on, not like this.

My thoughts are interrupted by a warm body cuddling up to me, contrasting with my cold, vacant one. I feel a pull away from all these hopeless, dangerous thoughts.

I feel their head on my shoulder, but I don't even respond to them, I just keep staring without seeing, breathing without feeling, living without living.

I feel everything and nothing at all. I am a walking contradiction. I am heartless and heartbroken, hopeless and hopeful.

I am nothing. I'm worthless, I'm stupid. It's all my fucking fault! Why did I have to be this way? Why did I always have to fuck up? I ruined the good for myself and for others!

What do you do when the world crashes down on you?

Take a bath, according to Leah, because I find myself naked in the bathtub while she pours warm water over me, humming softly and running her fingers through my hair.

It does feel sort of nice, I'll admit. The warm water starts to sink into my cold body, warming my insides.

"You suck at putting on shirts, by the way. Couldn't you have ripped your own shirt, not mine?" She whined.

To both of our surprise, I laugh. It felt nice, bouncing around in my throat before echoing in the bathroom.

I smiled at Leah softly, and she grinned.

"Always too cute to be mad at" she said, almost as if she was scolding me, but she rubbed my head affectionately and I sighed, letting her do her thing while I relaxed in the water.

She took my phone and turned on k-pop music, and soon I was making a mess, splashing water everywhere as I tried to do the choreography to the songs while laying down and singing my heart out with a voice that sounded more like a croak, crackly from crying.

After we had listened to all the songs that I had at least a dozen times, I got out of the tub, wrinkled enough to give raisins a run for their money, and Leah wrapped me in a warm fuzzy towel before leaving me to dry off.

When she came back, I was given fuzzy pajama pants and a comfy sweater before being led to the couch where there were four mugs of hot chocolate and tea with heat waves rising up, and a pile of movies nearly as tall as Leah.

I grinned at her, giving her a grateful hug before cuddling up to her drinking the hot drinks as the movie marathon began.

As I lay my head against hers, I sighed happily, grateful to have someone like her to look after me. I couldn't do it without her, I knew that for sure.