**** sorry I haven't updated! I hope you enjoy my darlings. 3000 plus words for you ^,^ ****

*Ryker*

It had been a week since Diablo and August had called. August had called a couple times since then, but I never picked up. Never listened to the messages he left either. Just deleted them.

I didn't feel like letting another man into my life only to hurt me. It wasn't worth it. He'd obviously chosen our family over me. He made his bed, so let him lie in it. I didn't need him.

Before everything that had happened, I had gotten into a lot of fights defending him. He tried doing the same, but I was always there to take the attention away from him before he got too hurt. I think he had felt bad that I had gotten into so many fights for him, and that I had never needed him to do the same. I always was a fighter. I hate depending on people. It does nothing but hurt you.

I just wanted to forget, forget everything. But I couldn't. Still, I tried. I really fucking tried.

But ever since he called, I had been recalling moments, memories. Anything and everything that we had done that had made me laugh, cry, or both.

Graffitying trains with him. Sneaking out of school. Ding dong ditching people. Haunted houses on Halloween. Scaring kids. Trying to do magic tricks. Late nights laying on the roof looking at stars. Sneaking out of the house. Being each others alibis. Helping each other leave class without getting in trouble.

Maybe I was a bad influence on him...he had always been the better twin: nicer, smarter, funnier, handsomer. Anything good, he was it. Anything bad, chances were I was it. He never got in trouble unless it was because of me.

Now that I think about it, I was always getting him into trouble. Convincing him to break the rules with me. I always got him into to trouble.

He never let me take the fall for it alone though. He had been a hard person to hate. Only people that hated him hated him cause he was so god damned perfect it made them sick with envy.

And look at you now...hating him.

I don't hate him. I could never. I hate myself for not being important to him. I hate myself for not being good enough for him. I don't hate him. Just myself.

I shook my head out and patted Lester's head, sighing and staring at the wall. The wall I had memorized by now with all the staring, glaring, whatever it was I felt like doing that day.

My life was sad. I was pathetic, I admit it. I had let myself slip away into the mindset of disgustingly pathetic.

Pathetic, I know.

Feeling the silence of the apartment weighing me down, I shrunk farther into the couch. I can't tell if the walls were the source of the negativity in the room, or if it was me. Obviously, it couldn't be the walls, but I was too far gone to care.

All I know is that by now, I could see the walls frowning back at me, mirroring my attitude. Maybe I was psychotic. Maybe I'm losing my sanity, my mind. Feels like I lost that long before this though.

I groaned loudly, annoying even myself with my bad behavior. God how had someone not punched me yet, I was so pathetic and annoying as fuck.

I gently pushed Lester off my lap and walked to the kitchen, pouring myself some water in my glass, and then stomped over to the door.

Okay, I was acting like a complete child, and I knew Luna and Leah were holding back chuckles, but their eyes had a concern behind the glint, and I felt like I was drowning in concerned and amusement.

I couldn't breathe in here, with all my negativity and the overbearing concern from Luna and Leah. I don't know how they could stand being around me.

I spent most early mornings crying silently to myself and clinging to a sleeping Leah. 2 am to 5 am, that's when I couldn't escape my mind. I was stuck replaying memories-good, bad, neither. I couldn't help myself. I tortured myself with thoughts of Ronnie, memories, fantasies of a future with him.

Delusions, all of them. I knew that, but still, I let myself pretend for a while, avoiding the inevitable for just a few more minutes before reality came crashing down on me.

I grabbed Lester's leash and hooked him in quickly, practically running outside.

I just couldn't handle waiting for something to happen. I can't just sit around on my ass like I've been doing, because it's suffocating me.

I want Ronnie, so I have to do something about it. I can't just sit around and wait for him to do something, because he won't. It's too late for that. It's up to me. I have to fix it. I have to do something.

But first, I have to avoid it like a little shit. I'll walk Lester, curl up in a corner and freak out about Diablo, and then maybe talk to Ashley. Then, then, maybe I'll try to talk to Ronnie.

Realistically, it won't happen, but maybe I'll just pretend for a while.

Maybe Esha will come over and hang out. Andy will probably invite himself over too, but I wouldn't mind. It's cute how he doesn't leave her side if he can help it. I wish they'd get together already. I wish....-

*Ronnie*

---a few days later, in LA---

"Charlie, I mean, come on man. She left us. It was her choice. She should make a move if she wants us back in her life, why should it be our responsibility? I mean, just cause we're the guys?"

I was officially losing my mind. I was talking to my dog about my problems while walking down to the park. The god damn things Ryker does to me....

I was back in L.A for a day and a half, considering I had a show tomorrow. I had taken the chance to stop by at home and take Charlie on a real walk before we had to go back on tour.

I opened the gate to the park and took Charlie off of his leash to let him roam while I sat down on the bleachers.

Bad idea. I got a flashback, horrible and wonderful.

Ryker had stood in front of me right here last month. She had fallen. On me. She had laid her hands on my chest. She had kissed me.

She had kissed me.

I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing myself to remember before shaking my head out and standing up before I did something to embarrass myself, like talking to myself.

I heard Charlie bark, and I looked up to see another dog to the far corner of the park, where the training set up was. Someone was leaning against the seesaw, their dog carefully walking across it before disappearing into a tunnel.

I haven't seen someone actually train their dog here in a long time. And now Charlie's running over there about to ruin their little session.

Shit, if they're training their dog here they're probably gonna be all bitchy about Charlie interrupting. Fucking hell, I don't want to deal with anyone right now, especially someone who's gonna be a cunt.

I groaned and started running towards where Charlie was making his way to run right into the dog who was getting off the seesaw again.

I made it there too late, of course, and Charlie barreled right into the other dog, both of them yelping in surprise - I don't see how Charlie could be surprised about it, but he sure was good at acting like it.

When they had separated themselves from each other, I finally got a good luck at the other dog.

Fuck, this is not my day.

"Hey, what-" her voice said aggressively before she paused, realizing who I was, probably.

"What are you doing here?" We spoke at the same time. For some reason, she looked like she didn't know whether she wanted to laugh or cry. I cringed.

"I have a concert here tomorrow," I explained, and she crinkled her nose up cutely-I mean, fuck....

"I kno- um, okay. Well, maybe I should l-" she was interrupted by Pick Up The Phone blasting.... my song....coming from her phone...

Now I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I shook my head a few times and stared back at her.

She was turning redder by the minute, and only when I raised an eyebrow at her did she cough awkwardly and hold one finger up to me before turning around and answering the phone.

"Hello - what the fuck, how many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone-"

She sent me an embarrassed look before walking a little ways away.

I kind of wanted to grab the phone and tell whoever it was to fuck off since he obviously wasn't welcome in Ryker's eyes, and I kind of wanted to punch myself in the face.

Instead, I just stood there like a moron, straining to hear what she was saying.

"No, as a matter of fact - shut it- Stop - let me- oh my fucking hell - stop- can you just - just let me - can I talk for one bloody second?"

She was yelling by now, and I shifted awkwardly, looking at Charlie who kept stepping in front of her dog while they both slowly making their way closer to her. I followed their lead, slowly inching closer.

"No, I don't think I owe you an apology - you're the one being rude - I don't give a shit if you're feeling attacked, bitch - mother fucking - Jesus fucktwat leave me alone - Stop calling me - No, I don't want to hear from you - No - because I fucking hate your guts - No I'm not over-emphasizing - no. Just stop! No, that's not fair, no- don't bring that up -Jesus you ass fuck twat cunt bitch ass pussy wanker - oh you want creative? I'll get creative - hel - vette- arschficker - Das - ugh! Fuck you!" She screamed, miming throwing her phone to the ground.

Jesus she sounded mad, I wonder what that person did to make her so upset- I wonder what - oh god, I can't imagine her saying those things to me, it was beyond hateful it was like she seriously wanted that person dead, jesus-

She turned around and jumped to see me right behind her.

"Sorry, uh-" she trailed off, holding her phone close to her chest and looking at the ground awkwardly.

I took a tiny step closer to her, leaning against the seesaw; bad idea moron, seesaw's move. I nearly fell on my ass.

Smooth, real smooth man.

I coughed, hiding my embarrassment and crossing my arms around my chest.

"Friend of yours?" I asked, mentally kicking myself - of course it wasn't a friend with how she was talking to them.

She laughed humorlessly, kind of creepy actually. "I wouldn't call him that," she scoffed, scowling at the ground.

Him - him huh. Him. It's a boy. He's an boy. A dude. A man.

Fuck, is he an ex boyfriend, a potential boyfriend, a fiance, a - what the fuck am I thinking, why am I acting like this...?!!

"What would you call him?" I asked her, pressing my lips together in serious-ness.

"A scumbag, among other things I probably shouldn't say in public," she said, still glaring at the ground rather than looking at me.

I wanted to see her eyes, those beautiful- ahem, err, nothing..

"Nobody else is here. You already said some pretty colorful words, even sounded like you dropped into another language there for a while." I said, feeling slightly like an overbearing creep. She doesn't want to talk, don't make her!

She shrugged, but her body seemed to collapse a bit, like she had let go of the anger and she just looked so weak now.

"Ha, yeah. Whatever, it's nothing, he's nothing," she said, and I frowned.

I didn't like seeing her so defeated, not my girl- ...... not that she's my girl, or that I want her to be...Just....I mean, I didn't like seeing her like this.

"What language was that even? It sounded harsh, but then there was like a weird sound to it. Nothing I've heard before," I said, hoping I didn't offend her. We were finally having an decent conversation, don't let my asshole self ruin it.

"I lived in Germany for a while during my younger years, but I had a British teacher so lo and behold, I can't even speak British-german. Even my Swedish sounds faintly proper. It's weird, but anyways..." she said, and I saw her head tilt up a little.

As much as I loved staring at her hair, I wanted to see her face. I'd already memorized her dark roots growing into a faded red. I wonder if she's letting it grow out naturally or re-dying it soon...

*Ryker*

His voice was like music, and even seeing his shoes was like a blessing, I was trying desperately not to hyperventilate or faint. That wouldn't be good, he'd probably just walk away creeped out and leave me here- jesus, shut up you imbecile.

I slowly trailed my eyes up, moving them over his skinny jeans, belt, and secretly reveled at the fact that he was only wearing a vest so I could see his perfectly sculpted chest, mouth nearly watering running over his tattoos and muscles.

He got a new tattoo of a shark on the side of his head. He'd shaved part of his head too, and lost his little chin tuft. He looked different-older. A new Ronnie. A Ronnie that had let go of a lot of things from his past that he'd held on to. A 'better' Ronnie, according to him.

I wonder if I'm one of the things of the past that he's let go of.... I wonder if new Ronnie could ever love me like he used to.. I wonder-

I noticed he was talking, and I bit my lip in embarrassment, trying to focus on his words rather than his lips moving perfectly to form the words, his tongue pressing to the roof of his mouth as he-

Okay, I officially need to stop, like, yesterday.

"-I could throw him around a bit if he's bothering you, if ya want. I could have a talk with him, give him a little lesson about messing with m- messing with you" He was saying more, but I couldn't focus anymore.

It seemed like he wanted to make me laugh, so I did.

But then I comprehended what he said, and I felt bitterness seeping into my flesh from hidden places in my bones.

I'm about to fuck up big time...

"No, that's okay, I can take care of myself. And why would you help me anyways, it's not like you care" I snapped, shrugging and tearing my eyes away from him again.

Fuck, fuck, fuck me and fucking stupid mouth saying stupid fucking shit... shit.. fuck!

I don't know who was cringing more at my words, me, or him.

"Why would you say that, why wouldn't I care?" He said, and I wanted to take it back but I had gone too far now.

"I mean, considering you've made it oh so obvious that you fucking hate my guts because I made a few mistakes, I'd say you don't fucking give two shits about me" I snarled at him, crossing my arms across my chest like him and attempting to stand tall, even though he was a fucking head taller than me, or more.

"A few mistakes? You made a fucking shit ton of mistakes Ryker, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Just that I don't love you" He yelled back.

I literally felt myself lose half a foot by shrinking into myself at his words.

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

Of course, I had already known this, but hearing him say it, I wanted to puke my guts out and cry my face off.

I took a step back, physically in pain.

"Right, well. Wonderful. I'm going to go now" I said, nodding my head uncontrollably.

Fuck, I'm embarrassing myself, he doesn't need to know that it hurts to hear him say that, fuck.

"Ryker wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" he was trying to make it up to me, but I know that he meant it. You don't say things unless they're at least partially true to you, even if you don't completely agree with it, a part of you believes it. It's just the cold hard truth.

"You didn't mean to what? To fall out of love with me? Well, shit happens. Including this shit. I can't do this okay, this constant fighting, this going at each others necks. It just drains me, it really fucking hurts me. You may be able to hate me, but no matter how hard I try, and believe me, I've tried, I just can't ever hate you. So just, leave me be okay. My hearts already done for, and now you're torturing me by playing with the broken pieces. Please, just leave me be" I said to him, rubbing my eyes with my hands and walking away.

Lester pressed into my legs, and I found the strength to stand tall until I made it to the apartment.

As soon as the door closed though, I dropped to the floor to let out the tears, the body-wracking sobs that I had held in since I saw him.

*Ronnie*

Fuck. Fuck, fucking fuck, why did I say that? It was true... But what if it wasn't? And I didn't mean to say it to her, I knew she would-

Fuck, shit shit shit shit fuck fucking shit.

FUCK.