**** Wowzers 3 updates today go me XD I hope you guys enjoy it! Pic is an example of Ryker in terms of hair color and eyes. Makeup would be heavier, nails longer and painted black, septum and lips pierced more, and paler. But cool picture, so I decided to share it. ****

The day was nearing it's end, and it was time to say goodbye to the girls. I wasn't ready, but then again, I never was ready for goodbyes, never. I've always been bad with goodbyes.

Leah was sobbing, and she clung to me like she was drowning and I was a buoy in the sea, the only thing keeping her afloat. I held her close to me, a few stray tears streaking down my cheeks.

I would miss her. I would miss all of them.

I thought they were sad but okay; they would be fine, they would go and be together out there, free. Leah had learned to trust Luna and Echo, to an extent at least.

She lived with Echo and Andy right now, just until I got out; when I got out we were going to get our own place. If all went well, maybe I would never run into Ronnie again. Then maybe this dull, empty void in my heart wouldn't pound and hurt so bad. Maybe with time the pain of it all would dull.

Probably not though...

Even with this pain from losing him, I still wished I could see him, be around him, even if it was only from a distance. I missed him so much, it felt like I was missing my right lung, like he had it with him and I would never be able to feel like I was complete inside unless he was near me.

It was like my heart was pressing against my lungs, crushing them, making it hard to breathe adequately around him. He made me feel a thousand things at once, and nothing at all.

Luna had given me a sympathetic look and told me that Falling In Reverse was in Cincinnati for their tour, otherwise they would have come. They meaning Jacky, Ryan, and Derek of course. Ronnie wouldn't visit me, I had realized this a long time ago, when he didn't pick up the phone when I called him at the police station.

It was over. Us. We were done. In his mind at least. He wanted nothing more to do with me. And I? Well, I wanted nothing more than him. It seemed like he would get his way, and my wish would be forever unfulfilled.

But as long as he was happy, I would be as okay with it as I could.

I learned that Leah was talking quite a lot with Ryan, and it made me smile, thinking of the two of them together. Whether they were friends or more, I liked the thought of them around each other. She was out-there and fiery, and he was...well, Ryan. They went together well in my mind.

Leah pulled me back to reality when she started crying harder, stopping me and hugging me full force, squeezing me in a bear hug, a vise-grip on my waist.

"R-Ryker, I should, I should be in here with you! I should, I should be in here with you, it's not fair that I'm out and you're stuck in here, I'm sorry. I should be in here with you" she started mumbling, near hysteria.

I pulled her from me and held her face firmly in my hands so she couldn't look away. I tilted her face up to look at mine and I leaned down so my eyes were level with hers. She moved her hands to hold my wrists and looked at me.

"No Leah, as long as you're sober it's good that you're free. I want you to be happy, and you can't be happy stuck in here following this stinking schedule and doing the same thing everyday. You should be free, you deserve it, okay?" I said, and she nodded softly, but I knew she didn't completely believe me.

"You deserve to be free too" she said, and I laughed a little. "No, not really. This is the best thing for me right now, I can be in here and detox, and that way I can't hurt anyone around me anymore. It's the best place for me, keeps everyone safe from my toxic presence" I said, and they all looked at me like I was off my head.

"Don't say that! You're a wonderful person to be around. I-I don't know where I'd be without you. Still with Diablo probably" Leah said, moving her hands to hold my face firm into hers.

Luna nodded and said "And I don't know what I'd do without you around to talk to". Echo stepped up and put her hand on my shoulder. "You are amazing. Don't think you're not, because that's not good for you. You deserve to know how epic you are" she said to me and I smiled.

I'm still not used to her speaking so much, and so loudly; and by loudly for her standards, I mean normal noise level for most people. She was really coming out of her shell, and I had a feeling it had a lot to do with Andy and Luna.

And I was in here, missing out on it all. I wasn't there to experience the change she was going through. I wasn't there to see her become more comfortable and confident in her skin, as she well should be.

It made me feel really crummy, but I knew I brought it upon myself, it was my fault. And if I was out there instead of in here, well, then I would be toxic to everyone. I needed to get sober and cleaned up in here before I could go out there and be a better person.

Luna pulled everyone into a group hug and then they had to go. I waved and put on a brave face as they walked out. But as soon as the door closed behind them I sank to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest, rocking myself. I started to sob, shaking and crying hysterically.

I couldn't see my friends because of the shit I did. And I lost the most important person to me because of my stupid problems. I just took beautiful things, let them into my life, and then I destroyed them and turned them into balls of pain, just as I was.

I lost Ronnie because of it all. But really, I had no one to blame but myself. Sure, other people made me feel bad, such as my family, and Him, but they weren't the ones sticking needles in my arms-I was. It was all my fault, all my fucking fault.

I was toxic, I was bad to be around. I wasn't safe, I wasn't really helpful, I was bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Lester nosed his way under my arms and licked my cheek, whining softly and wagging his tail, putting his paw on my knee. I tried to smile, but the tears were pouring down freely and my nose was running, and it was just all in all not a pretty sight.

I hugged Lester and kissed his head, and then he too was taken from me, by the trainer, who was probably bringing him back to wherever it was that he slept.

And then, I was alone once again.