UPDATE YOU SHIT

**** Sorry you guys, I know it's been forever. I've just gotten a new phone so I downloaded wattpad on that hoping it would be less glitchy than my iPod app. We shall see. I'm really sorry for all my delays :( ****

*Ryker*

Ronnie was such a little shit! Just, ugh I can't believe him! I wanted to tear his hair out, smack him, punch him, kick him, bitch slap his stupid, beautiful face, kiss him-!!

Oh fuck me. I can't even hate him properly.

Curse him for making me fall so utterly, irrevocably in love with him. It feels like I can't live without him. But I've been doing it for months now, so I know that isn't true. But it feels like the world falls apart without him.

Living without him, it was like being underwater breathing through a little reed pipe. I got enough air to survive, but it wasn't enough to satisfy me and make me feel whole and full. It was tortuous.

Without him, it was like going to an amusement park and not going on any of the rides. The initial delusion of being there was there, but without riding the rides the excitement and joy just fell away into bland normalcy. The feeling of being so alive was absent. It just wasn't the same.

But every time I got the opportunity to truly apologize, to make it up to him, I always ended up getting mad and then it was all ruined and I was back to square one.

Life blows. Love blows. Everything fucking blows. And I just sit around making it worse. Sometimes I disgust myself so much I want to hurl.

Leah and Ashley were in the kitchen with Ryan I think.

Leah knows by now that I can be vicious when angry and it's best to leave me be sometimes, so after hugging me for a half hour she kicked Ashley out of the room and kissed my head before leaving herself.

I got up and paced back and forth, muttering to myself about how stupid Ronnie was, and how stupid I was, and all this shit.

I tried to text Andy, because we had grown closer, call it bonding over mutual heartbreak, but he hadn't responded so I just paced. And paced. And paced. And.... you guessed it, paced.

It had been maybe an hour, and I thought I heard a buzz from my phone, indicating that I had received a text, but I was too angry to answer it.

I just paced back and forth pulling my hair sharply and spitting venom from my mouth.

"Fucking Ronnie and his stupid words, I think his mouth should be quiet because it never tells the truth! Screw him, bend him over backwards and fuck him in the ass, see how he likes to be fucked over, the asshole, the fucking asshole" I was fuming to myself, spitting fire and growling to myself, jerking my body back and forth like I was combative patient at a mental institution having a psychotic break.

I couldn't handle myself. I couldn't handle him. I couldn't handle anything.

My muttering blocked out everything else, I couldn't even hear Leah and Ashley, and no doubt Ryan banging around in the kitchen. I couldn't hear anything but my angry thoughts and hidden feelings.

"Fuck him. Fuck me. Fuck it all! Fuck him and his stupid, beautiful face and his infuriating eyes that glare at me so handsomely, and his stupid fucking lips that scowl in such a kissable way, fuck" I muttered to myself.

I clenched my hands into fists and punched the wall, scuffing up my knuckles on the hard, popcorn looking bumps on it.

I groaned and held my now trembling hand to my chest, swearing loudly.

"Fucking hell! If he was here right now I'd fucking punch his face not the wall, and then I'd kiss him-no! No I'd hit him, attack him, jump on him and beat him, fuck him-!!! Stop, where is your mind, stop that. Stop it, you hate him, you love him but you fucking hate him, get your head out of his ass, fucking be an independent person again!"

I'm pretty sure I had passed the line from angry rant to psychotic babbling. But Hell if I was gonna do anything about it. I was too angry to care....and hurt, fine I admit. But mostly angry.......I think....

I don't even know anymore.

I probably would've gone on like that all day and night. But the world had different plans for me, and instead Andy burst into the room yakking about an intervention or some shit.

I would've ignored him, except for the fact that he came in and grabbed my arms, turning me to face him.

"Oh, hi Andy" I said smiling like I hadn't just spent 3 hours pacing and muttering like the villains in kid shows.

It had gone too far, but I was still sane...heh...sorta....maybe....

"Get a hold of yourself woman" he said to me, his vibrant eyes kindly scolding me.

I nodded and bit my lip, stepping back and shaking myself before running a hand through my hair and stepping out of the room.

I casually strolled to the kitchen and grabbed a fruit snack packed from my bowl, sitting down on the couch and eating it.

Only after I finished it did I notice that there was someone else in the apartment. Someone I didn't recognize.

She was next to Leah and Ryan, but when Andy came into the room she stood up and rushed over to him, speaking adamantly and showing him something on her phone, her eyes glimmering with amusement.

The first thing I noticed about her was her hair. It was long, cascading over her shoulders and down her back, reaching the top of her butt. And brown, the kind of brown that anyone who dyes their hair brown is hoping for, but never quite reaches.

When she stood up, she looked like a little faerie, like a slightly taller Leah. And being next to Andy made her look even shorter. But really, everyone looks short next to Andy, let's be honest he's a freaking giraffe in the veldt surrounded by zebras.

There was a glint by her lip, and when she turned to talk to Andy, I saw that it was a lip piercing. And her eyes, they were a pretty brown. Brown eyes that were warm and welcoming, but strong.

She had light darkish skin, like a light-skinned African American, and when she smiled she looked like the most radiant thing on earth.

I admit I was staring at her, and she noticed, but she didn't seem to be uncomfortable about it; she stood tall and confident, laughing with Andy and looking completely at home even though she didn't know us.

I wanted to know her.

She finally looked over at me, a single eyebrow raised, not in annoyance but more curiosity at my prolonged staring. And when she got a good look at me, she gasped.

"You're Ryker Mathews, that girl that was on the news! You must've been talking about Ronnie when you were ranting and raving before, weren't you?" She said.

I stared at her, and then her face fell, and she gasped, raising a hand to cover her mouth.

She took a step towards me with a hand reached out, as if to comfort me. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I-" She stammered, her brown eyes wide in panic.

I looked at her for a moment before shrugging, turning back to my fruit snacks and saying "don't worry about it."

She sighed, probably relieved I wasn't pissed, but regretful nonetheless.

"I shouldn't have said that, I didn't mean to, it just came out, I just-" She continued, and I held a hand out to silence her.

"It's fine. You speak your mind. That's good. I like that. You didn't say anything that wasn't true. I was on the news. And I was talking about Ronnie when I was raving like a bloody lunatic. It's all good" I said, raising an eyebrow at her and holding out a fruit snack.

She nodded and sat down next to me, taking the fruit snack and eating it slowly, saying nothing.

Andy stared at us for a moment before shaking his head, sitting right next to the girl, and I mean right next to her, like thighs touching close, and leaned on his knees, looking over at me.

"Ryker, this is Esha, she's an old friend from school. I ran into her a couple days ago, and I decided today was the day that she met the crazies. You didn't disappoint" he said to me, winking and laughing, teasing me. I jokingly scowled at him, sticking my tongue out. Esha pushed him for me, and I grinned at her.

"Esha, this is Ryker. I'd say whatever you heard on the news, think of the exact opposite and bam, you've got the real Ryker" he said, smiling at Esha.

I felt weird sitting there, feeling the vibes they were giving off. It was like being around Ryan and Leah when they were together at night. Awkward as Hell.

So I went over to Ashley and spent the night mocking the 2 couple-y guys, Leah and Ryan and Andy and Esha.

Esha. She was intriguing....

And it was obvious that I wasn't the only one who thought that.... this was the first time in weeks that I had seen Andy smile a real smile that reached his eyes and wasn't a mask or a front or anything.

Whatever they had, it was definitely deeper than platonic friendship.