35. Monophobia
**** monophobia is the irrational fear of being alone.
I'm sorry I've been so off these past weeks, hell, months even. It just hits you sometimes, ya know? And there's nothing you can do about it.
Anyways, I'm trying my best lovelies, so I hope you enjoy <3
Oh, and a little while ago I know someone sort of called this chapter and I said it was similar to what I had planned, so if you were wondering what I meant, here it is. Hopefully that's not confusing.... Sorry ****
*Ryker*
Ryan spent the day with us, or should I say, with Leah.
We watched Big Hero 6, and by the time it was over it was 6 o'clock.
Here goes another day in the blink of an eye spent doing nothing.
I bummed on the couch mostly, but then I had to leave because I felt a hardcore third-wheel vibe and didn't want to impose or ruin their potential moments.
So I sat in the kitchen, listening to every Falling In Reverse song ever made, including the demos, and scrolling through all social medias that had anything to do with Ronnie.
I had a real problem, I know.
Once I had listened to my Falling playlist 5 times over, I started feeling some hardcore bad feelings. I felt myself sinking lower and lower. I just couldn't shake the horrible feelings. My stomach dropped to my knees, my lungs went and clogged up my throat, and my heart panged pathetically.
I looked up to see Leah and Ryan walking over to me. I faked a smile, not wanting to set it off to her that I wasn't feeling good at all, seeing how happy and cheeky she was with Ryan.
I loved that he made her smile when she used to think of nothing but her past. She was strong, but I know Ryan helped a lot.
Just like Ronnie helped you....
Before you ruined everything.
Before he found out how useless you are.
Shut up.....not again.....
"Hey, so, um," Leah was trying to talk, but she was giggling every few moments and breaking her sentence up.
I raised an eyebrow at her, smirking, and she bit her lip and looked down with a blissful smile.
Ryan came up next to her and casually put his arm around her, like it was nothing special, but I knew better than to believe him, because his cheeks were nearly as red as hers.
"We're going to go play laser tag, do you want to come?" Ryan said, and I winked at him, knowing quite well that even if they didn't admit it, this was a total date. A date that would probably become an early morning escapade, seeing as it was 7 right now.
I didn't want to ruin it for them, and I was in no state to do anything but cry, so I just shook my head.
"Nah, I'm tired. You two have fun, I'll just stay back" I said, smiling at them convincingly.
"Are you sure?" Leah asked me, looking at me with upturned eyebrows.
I nodded and winked, smirking and wagging my eyebrows at her.
"Yeah. You two go on your little date, I'm just gonna eat my life away and watch Big Hero 6 until I'm a crying mess that knows all the words to the adorable movie" I said, and Leah laughed a bit, nodding.
I noticed that neither of them said anything about me calling it a date, they just walked out of the apartment, the backs of their hands brushing against each other. Should've held hands....
When the door closed I started feeling so dejected I wanted to throw up at how pathetic I was.
Nobody likes you....
Nobody wants to be around you...
Everyone leaves...
How do you still not understand this?
After Ronnie I figured you'd finally admit to yourself that you're so completely worthless...
But you just don't get it, do you?
Here, I'll spell it out for you.
E
V
E
R
Y
O
N
E
H
A
T
E
S
Y
O
U.
Y
O
U
R
E
A
N
O
G
O
O
D
D
I
R
T
Y
W
O
R
T
H
L
E
S
S
W
H
O
R
E.
Get it now?
By now I was curled up in the seat rocking back and forth, shaking my head and trying to shut out the voice.
But I just couldn't do it.
I felt warm tears slip out of my eyes and slide down my cheek, leaving wet, sticky trails.
Just do heroin.
Heroin understands.
Heroin helps.
Come on, just do it...
Don't you remember?
Remember how nice it felt to shoot up?
Don't you remember the amazing feeling of nothingness that came with it?
The brief euphoria?
Don't you remember how nice it felt to forget what a worthless skank you are?
Don't you remember?
It can be that way again....
You can be that person again.....
Yes, of course I remember. I remember how amazing it felt when the heroin took over. But I also remember how bad I felt afterwards. And I remember how it made Ronnie feel to know.
And the fact that I almost died from it.
That doesn't seem like such a bad thing though....
Oh come on....
It's great...
Ronnie doesn't care...
Not anymore...
He thinks you're doing it anyways...
Might as well do it..
No! Hell, fucking no. Just leave me alone!
I can't disappoint Leah. And I can't disappoint Ronnie again, not like that.... People depend on me to be clean and sober, I have to watch Lester and Leah and...
I stood up and stumbled to the fridge, kneeling on the ground and reaching for the alcohol drawer.
This was the only thing that got rid of the voice, besides giving in to it. The only thing that worked besides drugs......
I grabbed a Mikes and closed the fridge, standing up and going to the couch. I sat down and stared at the bottle, conflicted.
All of a sudden, I remembered something Ronnie had said to me.
He had told me that if I ever felt like drinking, I should come to him instead of getting drunk.
I was in such a bad state that I couldn't even bring myself to worry about being pathetic; there was no way I could be even more pathetic.
I pulled out my phone and my heart hammered nervously as I scrolled through my contacts to R.
I hovered over Ronnie's number for a while, and then I smashed my thumb down on the green phone symbol.
I brought the phone up to my ear and held my breath as the phone rang, rang, rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.
And then I was sitting there with tears pouring out of my eyes, a runny nose, sore lungs, and an ice cold Mikes Hard in my lap, listening to Ronnie's voicemail.
He hadn't picked up.
Of course he didn't pick up you-
Without a second thought, I ripped off the cap and starting chugging the Mikes Hard lemonade, the voice falling away as my brain slowed down and froze up.
I turned on the tv and changed to a music channel, watching a performance of Falling In Reverse, but of course. I sat there drinking and watching the Falling concert, crying my heart out.
When I had drank half the bottle, I grabbed my phone again, shaking and terrified.
I didn't want to be alone. I was so tired of being alone. I just wanted someone to love me unconditionally.
I don't want a boyfriend, I just want Ronnie.
I just want a friend who will never leave me alone.
My first thought was to call Leah, but I didn't want to ruin her date; she was just now getting better, eating more without being pressured, smiling more, a glint in her eyes. I couldn't do that to her.
I scrolled to the top of my contacts and clicked on Ashley's number, bringing the phone to my ear.
He picked up on the second ring, even though it was 11 at night.
"Hey babygirl, what's up?" he said, his voice coming across thick in my clogged-up ears.
"Can you come over? I don't want to be alone" I sniffled pathetically, cursing myself.
"I'm on my way" he said and hung up.
I sat back on the couch and looked down at the 5 Mikes Hard bottles that had somehow managed to be emptied and set on the coffee table in front of me.
Did I really drink all of those? I don't remember that......
2 beers later and I heard a knocking on the door. I cursed and got up shakily, stumbling over to the door and running into virtually everything.
I looked through the peephole and opened the door in confusion.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, leaning against the doorframe hazardously.
"You called me-Jesus Ryker, you reek, how much did you drink?" Ashley asked me, and I scoffed at him.
"You know what, you're rude, and I don't think I'm going to let you in-" I said, shoving my finger into his chest, but he just raised his eyebrows and stepped forward, making me have to move backwards, stumbling.
He closed the door behind him, and then he looked over to all the empty alcohol bottles and the Falling In Reverse concert playing on a loop on the tv, and he sighed.
He walked over and turned off the tv before collecting up the bottles and throwing them in the recycle bin for glass.
Only then did he come to where I was still standing, to find me staring at my hands like they were on fire.
So many lines.....I wonder what a fortune teller, a palm reader would say when they looked at my hands. Would the lines tell her that I had "A good future?", a "tough past that you can overcome?" Would she tell me some bullshit like that, or would she swear in a foreign language and make the sign of the hand to ward off evil before waving me out of her tent furiously, knowing I was horrific?
"Okay, it's obviously time for you to go to bed" Ashley said, grabbing my hand and gently pulling, walking me to the room I shared with Leah.
Leah, where was she again?
"I'm sorry Ryker...I should've gotten here sooner, or called you. Maybe I could've stopped you..." Ashley muttered to me.
I tried to say something, tell him it was okay, but my throat was dry and closed up, and my tongue was stuck to the top of my mouth.
He picked me up and put me in the bed.
I reached my hand out, clutching his wrist.
"Don't leave me, please...I don't want to be alone anymore...." I whispered, closing my eyes to avoid seeing him when he rejected me, jerking his arm away in disgust.
Instead, he just lay next to me and moved my hand-hold from his wrist to his hand, holding it softly.
"I'm right here..." he whispered, and I rolled onto my side, tightly hugging myself close to him.
I took a deep breath, inhaling his shirt, letting him fill my senses and mind until there was nothing in my head but his touch, his smell, his warmth.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top