chapter title: "dazed and confused" by led zeppelin

"What did he say to you?" James pestered Remus the second the door to the Hog's Head shut behind him. Of course his friends had eagerly waited for him outside the small pub rather than going to Zonko's, despite the obviously hideous attempt at a diversion.

Remus shrugged noncommittally, trying to play it cool as he shoved his hands into his pockets. "I'm seeing him next weekend."

"Ooh! Moony's going on a date!" James sing-songed as he danced around Remus excitedly, oblivious to Sirius' scowl. Remus rolled his eyes, embarrassed at James' excited behaviour, but otherwise used to it as they walked back down to Honeydukes to make their way back to Hogwarts.

"Shit." Peter said suddenly as he stopped in his tracks, flinging out an arm to stop James from walking any further who was just beside him.

"Oof! Pete what's-" James' eyes widened as he looked up at the reason Peter had stopped. "Shit."

Remus and Sirius, who had been walking ahead, were not so lucky as they suddenly faltered to a halt, looking dead in the eyes of  two Hogwarts professors standing right at the door of Honeydukes who had been out passing through the village. Both turned to look in the direction of the Marauders. 

"Quick." Remus muttered, giving Sirius a slight shove. "Head down." He and Sirius hastily walked around the corner with their heads bent, hoping that the professors wouldn't recognise them as they walked away.

"Did they see us?" James muttered to Peter who stood crouching just below him.

"They definitely saw us." Remus groaned as he and Sirius stood flat against the wall whilst James hurriedly pulled the invisibility cloak out from the satchel on his shoulder and threw it around the four of them. They had to all crouch underneath it so as not to show their legs all poking out from the end of the cloak.

The four of them waited with baited breath as the two Hogwarts professors slowly turned back to their discussion before moving to walk away from the sweet shop entrance.

"Quick, now!" Muttered James as they all surged forwards towards the shop to slip quickly and quietly through the door and through to the back of the shop and down to the basement.

It wasn't until they were all safely through the trap door that they finally let themselves breathe.

"That was close." Peter let out a sigh of relief.

"Don't speak too soon," Remus told him, "we need to get back to Hogwarts quickly in case one of the teachers reports us or something. We don't want anyone to come looking for us only for us not to be at school."

Quickly, the four boys made their way through the tunnel and out from behind the one eyed witch statue.

"Really, we couldn't have gone on a Hogsmeade weekend could we?" Sirius complained as they hurried up the steps towards the common room.

"But then Remus might not have got his date!" James argued.

"I'm sure Henry could have asked Remus next weekend." Peter chipped in as James rolled his eyes.

"Hey, it's not like I even knew he was going to ask him anything today!" James said, indignantly.

"Oh please." Remus muttered. "You totally dug me that hole, you all left me!"

"But was it worth it though?" James waggled his eyebrows at Remus.

"I should hope so, Mr Potter." Came a strict voice.

The Marauders all froze in place before turning towards the source of the thick, Scottish accent. Professor McGonagall stood with her arms folded on the steps behind them.

"Black, Lupin, my office. Now."

"Well fuck." Sirius whispered as he and Remus gloomily followed Professor McGonagall back down the corridor, leaving James and Peter to mourn pitifully after them.

"Language, Mr Black."

"Pardon me, golly fucking gosh."

Remus stifled a smile behind his hand as McGonagall shot him a stern look.

***

It turned out that the two professors in Hogsmeade had indeed seen the two boys and had reported them to their head of house. Of which Professor McGonagall was not very pleased about. She gave them a lecture about "being very disappointed", "setting an example for younger students" and how she "expected better from them", which Remus didn't think was entirely true.

She eventually let them go with detention for the rest of the evening, loading them with the tedious task of cleaning all the staircases on the third floor corridor. She gave them each a sponge and a bucket filled with bubbling, soapy water, and only allowing them use of their wands to refill the buckets. How they were supposed to clean every bloody step on the whole floor, Remus had no idea, but said nothing as he and Sirius were left alone.

The two of them soon set to work, Sirius polishing at the long, curving banister, and Remus scrubbing at the stone steps just below him.

They carried out their detention in silence for a while, both quietly ignoring the other. Remus had never in his life felt this uncomfortable around Sirius. He was usually so easy to get along with, everyone knew and loved him. But today was different. Of course it was, it had been different since he had told him he loved him. But usually they had James and Peter between them to quell the silence, now they just had a huge empty space lingering in front of them.

Unconsciously, Remus found himself glancing up at Sirius every now and again, watching the shorter boy scrub at the dark wood of the staircase banister, his black curls tucked behind one ear as he frowned in concentration. Remus sighed. He couldn't help it. Not now that he knew how it felt to run his fingers through that dark, soft hair, to have his lips gently pressed against his and his fingers light across his skin.

Remus sighed again, trying to concentrate on cleaning the steps in front of him. Ahead, Sirius arched an eyebrow at him. "What's wrong, Moony?" He asked, monotonously.

Remus looked up, surprised. "Nothing."

Sirius said nothing in response, just continued polishing the banister as he scrubbed it carefully, stepping down a step that was closer to Remus as he cleaned his way down it.

They continued in silence for another minute or two before Remus heard Sirius speak again. This time so quiet that he barely heard it, his voice soft and low.

"You're lying." Sirius frowned at his hands as he continued to work.

Remus looked up and watched him, carefully, unsure of what to say. "You think?" He asked, finally, annoyed at his voice for coming out a little unsteady.

Sirius looked up at him this time, locking eyes with Remus as he ceased his scrubbing.

"Look, Sirius, I get it if you think I'm crazy or disgusting or.. I don't know. But are you really going to ignore me forever?"

Sirius blinked. "I don't think you're crazy. Or disgusting. And I'm not ignoring-."

Remus gave Sirius a pointed look.

Sirius gave a heavy sigh and sat himself down on the step above Remus in defeat, his head in his hands.

"Look, I just.. About the other night...I didn't mean for things to get as far as they did...and I mean.. I just got confused. I didn't think you'd actually..."

"Save it." Remus said, bluntly. "It doesn't matter."

Sirius didn't move, just studied him carefully from the step above as Remus deliberately ignored him, continuing to scrub at a particularly stubborn bit of grime on the step below. He tried to steady his breathing. Now wasn't the time to get angry at Sirius. They had work to do if they actually wanted to get some sleep that night, and the last thing Remus needed was another detention just for losing his temper with his roommate.

"It does." Sirius said, his voice sounding defeated as he ran a hand through his loose curls that fell in waves around his face. Remus didn't dare look up. "I hurt you. I never want to hurt you, Moons."

Something rose in Remus then, a sudden rise of anger like a bubbling fire in the pit of his stomach, aching to surface and explode at the other boy. "Hurt me?" He repeated, his voice barely a whisper. The desperation to scream at him was suddenly desperate. Hurt him? If he hadn't meant to hurt him then what was all this for? Had he really thought that Remus would be so unfazed by the entire nature of their relationship? That he could just move on and laugh about it afterwards like another silly mistake they'd made? If Sirius really believed this wouldn't ruin Remus, then maybe he didn't know him at all. As much as he wanted Sirius to know all of this, something held him back. A voice in the back of his mind as if reminding him that Sirius just simply didn't care. He couldn't allow this to get to him. He couldn't allow Sirius to know how much he had hurt him. So instead, swallowing everything, Remus only spat out; "I'm not some pathetic and fragile creature you need to protect. Don't fucking treat me like one."

Sirius said nothing, but Remus could sense the upset Sirius was feeling. And he hated how much it drove him in his anger. He hated that he wanted to hurt Sirius right now. He wanted him to feel the same way he had felt all the times he had given him false hope. He'd had enough of Sirius and his games, his flirtatious nature, his kisses and the taste of his lips. He'd had enough of being used like some experiment that clearly meant nothing to him.

"I'm sorry, I-" Sirius started before Remus shot him a glare. He didn't need this right now. He just needed to get on with cleaning this bloody staircase.

"Are you....are you really going on a date with Henry?" Sirius voice was tentative, careful and quiet, but something about everything that was happening drove him to the edge as he finally sat up to look at Sirius perched on the steps in front of him, his eyes wild, his breathing heavy.

"What's it to you?" Remus asked, hearing the anger in his own voice. "Why do you fucking care? Why would it mean anything to you? You just don't want me to go out with Henry because you think he's replacing you?" He asked, throwing Sirius' words back in his face as he watched the other boy flinch. "Well maybe I am. Maybe Henry wont be afraid to kiss me or tell me he loves me. Maybe he doesn't think of me as some fucking experiment. Maybe he actually cares about how I feel. Why should I put everything on hold for you when you don't seem to give two fucks?" Remus was raising his voice now, and he stood up in a flash, unable to sit on the hard, cold stone step any longer as he towered over Sirius, knocking over the bucket of water so that it splashed over the two of them, and trickling down the steps. It was a floodgate.

Remus ignored the feeling as the cold water seeped through his jeans as he took a step closer to Sirius, leaning down towards him so he was only inches away,his voice barely a whisper. "If you actually wanted me to think you cared, then why would you do any of this? Why would you play with my feelings and give me false hope?" Sirius knew. Sirius knew everything now. There was no reason for Remus to be secretive with how he felt anymore. He had already ruined everything. "Do you know how much it fucking hurts?"

Sirius stared at him, their faces inches away, his eyes wide and his breath shallow. Remus could feel his heart racing and the soft waves of Sirius' breath on his own lips. "Like hell." he whispered. "It hurts like hell. And you haven't even been able to look at me."

But Sirius was looking at him now, with an emotion that Remus couldn't quite decipher. Or perhaps he was too angry to try. All his frustration from the kiss and the confession finally releasing, but as he stepped back, he couldn't help but feel a small pang of guilt as he looked at the broken look on Sirius' face, before he turned away and made his way back down the stairs  and as far away from Sirius as he could get.