chapter title: "back to black" by amy winehouse

Remus took a long time walking back to Hogwarts. The weather was warmer than it had been in months with summer beginning to approach, and Remus even took his cardigan off as he made the trek back to Hogwarts, his bare arms bared to the sun- not even caring that his scars were out in the open.

He lost himself in thought for a while. Thoughts of Henry, the date, of Sirius, the argument, the confession. He needed to apologise to Sirius. He knew that Sirius would never like him in the way Henry did, but that was no reason to avoid the other boy forever. He couldn't live like this. Not with Sirius so close but so far away. He missed his friend. He went over the apology in his head that he would give Sirius, avoiding the thoughts of Sirius and Henry and trying hard not to compare them. Because that was cruel. Henry could never be Sirius. He knew that. He had to get over him, go back to just being friends and forget that anything ever happened in the first place. They would soon move on and they would go back to being the Marauders and pulling pranks on the school and playing music late into the night.

When Remus finally made his way back to Hogwarts, and up to the Gryffindor common room however, Sirius was nowhere to be found. He checked the dorms, the Great Hall and most of their usual spots, and finally resorted in seeking out James who had the map. 

Sirius wasn't on the map either, which led Remus to the conclusion that he had either left school premises or was in the Room of Requirement. 

Five minutes later, Remus pushed open the big heavy door of the Room of Requirement as it appeared opposite the tapestry of trolls learning ballet, revealing the usual room that the Marauders used to practise in. Except this time it was slightly different. The lights and windows had gone and the only source of light was that of a bright lamp that shone on the small makeshift stage like a spotlight on Sirius who sat on a stool, gently strumming his guitar.

He had his eyes closed and his hair fell in its usual curls over his shoulders. He had a black vest on and a pair of black, flared jeans and socks. His fingers were painted black, as usual, chipped by the quiet strum of the guitar that he kept up. He looked more relaxed than he had in weeks, and Remus let the door shut quietly behind him as he stood, watching Sirius across the room.

When Sirius had finished the song, he finally opened his eyes, but not noticing Remus through the darkness past the glare of the spotlight. Remus watched him for a moment longer in the silence before finally clearing his throat and stepping into the light so that he stood opposite Sirius.

"Remus." Sirius looked up, his expression soft but his eyes sad.

"Hi." Remus replied, quietly as he stepped up onto the stage in front of Sirius. "Can we talk?"

Sirius hesitated before nodding, numbly, setting down his guitar as Remus sat on another stool on the stage across from him. Remus suddenly felt naked without his cardigan and he noticed its absence, desperately wanting to play with the frayed knitting at the cuffs. Instead he sat silently, trying to choose the words from the careful speech he had prepared on his way here.

"I just...wanted to apologise for last weekend." He said quietly, focusing his gaze on his long scarred fingers rather than Sirius in front of him."It wasn't fair of me to explode on you like that...and...I'm sorry for the things I said." Remus suddenly felt his throat dry up, unsure of what to say next as everything he had gone over the hour before disappeared from his mind.

"It's okay."

Remus looked up, finally meeting Sirius' gaze. He watched the other boy's eyes search him softly. He looked confused and perhaps a little sad...Remus wasn't sure. Sometimes he could read Sirius like a book, and others he hadn't the faintest clue what the other boy was thinking.

"You were right." Sirius continued. "I hurt you and I made you feel as though I was using you."

Remus said nothing as he listened, letting the words tumble from Sirius' lips.

"I mean..I was a fucking git, I know that. I took things too far and I didn't stop to just fucking think. And I was so scared of everything going on and I was terrified that if I told anyone they would think I was disgusting or-"

"You are not disgusting." Remus said immediately, unable to help himself.

Sirius looked back up at him. "Perhaps. But I'm a fool though. For not realising everything sooner." 

"Not realising what?" Remus asked, his voice laced with confusion.

Sirius only shrugged as the two of them let the silence hang in the air between them for a moment before Sirius finally asked; "How was your date?"

Remus shrugged. "It was alright. Henry's nice. He's cool. Had fish and chips and talked about music."

Sirius nodded. "I'm happy for you, Rem." 

Remus studied Sirius' face carefully. When Sirius Black was happy, the whole world knew. His face would light up in a ridiculously infectious grin, and he would toss his head back, letting his dark curls tumble down his shoulders and his eyes would crinkle and shine with a kind of joy that didn't seem to be possible on anyone else. "No you're not." Remus said quietly.

Sirius stared at him for a second before he let out a sigh, running a hand through his inky curls. "No, you're right, I'm not. But I want to be." Sirius said. He sounded a kind of exhausted that made Remus just want to sit beside him and lean towards him until they both drifted off to sleep.

Instead they sat in silence again, letting the air between them linger for what was probably longer than necessary. All sounds from the corridors outside were blocked out from in the Room of Requirement as if they were in their own little bubble.

It was Sirius who broke the silence, with a question that took Remus aback. "Did he kiss you?"

Remus looked up at Sirius in surprise. "Did he-what?"

"Kiss you."

"No, I mean- well... yes." Remus stuttered out, unsure of entirely what else to say.

"Oh." Sirius looked down. "Are you going on a second date?"

Remus scratched the back of his neck, not reaching Sirius' gaze, feeling somewhat uncomfortable with the topic of conversation. "Not exactly...I mean we didn't plan anything." Remus told him, truthfully.

"Do you want to?"

"I- look, Sirius, I don't know okay? Why does it matter anyway?"

Sirius looked at him, a small frown creased between his forehead. "I don't know. I just...you know... don't feel right about him."

Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, Siri. About what I said. He's not replacing you, no one's ever going to replace you."

"That's what you said last time."

Remus frowned. "What?"

"Last time when we talked...about Henry. You said no one could replace me. And then you kissed me."

Remus felt his throat go dry.

"But you're not going to kiss me this time." Sirius observed as he stood up from his stool, stretching his arms out a little.

"Well considering the situation...no. That would probably be unwise." Remus commented.

"Not even if I asked you to?" Sirius voice was tentative as he walked forward a step towards Remus so that he was just in front of him, towering over him as Remus stayed seated on the stool.

"I- what?" Remus felt his heart pound as he stared up at Sirius, ignoring the small voice in his head that Henry had never made him feel this way just by standing this close to him.

"Kiss me, Remus."

Remus blinked. Was this a joke? He waited for the surge of anger to come rushing to him again, but the sincerity in Sirius' eyes was real and the anger didn't come. He just watched Sirius above him, his eyes dark in the close proximity and shadow of the spotlight.

"Please?"

Remus didn't need telling a third time as a stray lock of hair fell into Sirius' face, as he tilted his face towards Sirius' as he stood up, catching Sirius' lips with his own as he did, the stool he had been sitting on falling to the floor as he did with a loud crash. And then he and Sirius were kissing. And it was different than it ever had been as Remus kissed him with an intensity he had never felt before, Sirius meeting him with an equal yearning as he groaned against Remus' lips.

Remus cupped Sirius' face in his hands, letting his fingers wander through the soft silky hair like running water as he bent his neck down to kiss him feverishly, pulling at Sirius' lower lip, longing clawing at him. He didn't hold back as he had done in the past with Sirius. Just let himself kiss the other boy with all the desperation that clung to him, causing Sirius' breath to come out in sharp gasps.

It was another minute or so before Remus finally pulled back, just enough so that he could look Sirius in the eye as he spoke to him, his eyes fierce. "I swear to Merlin if you're messing with me again-."

"I'm not." Sirius said immediately as he reached up to curl his fingers through Remus' tawny curls "I never was."

"What?" Remus pulled away sharply, letting his hands fall to Sirius' shoulders, still clinging to him, for some reason unable to let go.

"I was never messing with you, Remus." Sirius said earnestly. "I just....panicked. And I did some stupid things and..... I thought I'd be able to get over you. I didn't mean for it to go that far."

"What do you mean?" Remus asked quietly.

Sirius loosened his grip on Remus slightly as he relaxed closer to him, looking defeated. "You just...make me feel ..different. And you have done...well forever really. It's just that I only really noticed it when we started playing in the band. Just the way you smile when you play music as if it's a part of you. I couldn't help watching you when we played. The way you played. And then you'd catch my eye and I just felt as though...I don't know... like you were everything."

Remus watched him carefully, scarcely believing what he was hearing. 

"And then when we went to London I just don't know what came over me and I kissed you and you were all I could think about for weeks. But I was so scared I'd messed everything up or you thought I was disgusting and you'd tell James and everyone would hate me."

"You think....James would hate you?" Remus asked, incredulously. Are we talking about the same James Potter?"

Sirius smiled, stupidly. "Yeah, you're right. I don't know what was wrong with me. James wouldn't give two shits."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Of course he wouldn't, you idiot. He knows I'm gay and literally set me up with Henry."

Sirius' eyes widened. "I'm gonna kill him."

Remus laughed as he let his hands resting on Sirius' shoulders play with the ends of his soft curls.

Sirius shook his head. "Anyway...I thought we were good again and then Henry came into the picture and I saw the way he looked at you and....I dunno, I was just jealous. I hate being jealous. And then you kissed me. You  kissed me. And I thought maybe you wanted me too so I let myself get carried away....and then at Jamie's birthday I just....didn't think about what I was saying, and then you said you loved me and I panicked I just...I knew when you said it that I..... I felt the same way. And that scared me. 'Cause I let it go too far. We shouldn't have been doing all that in the first place but I assumed it was only temporary so I thought I'd be able to get over you."

Remus raised an eyebrow.

"I was wrong." Sirius looked down, sounding sheepish. "It was never temporary."

Remus wasn't sure what to say. he felt bad for for shouting at Sirius and leaving him to do detention on his own, he felt stupid for going on the date with Henry, ridiculous for assuming that Sirius had meant that he had let Remus go too far.

"Shit." Remus groaned as he closed his eyes, feeling the shame fill him.

Sirius shook his head. "It was my fault. I pushed you away just because I couldn't understand my own feelings. And then I made you feel like shit and I never meant for any of this to happen. I just....I'm sorry, Rem So fucking sorry. I just realised that you were more important than any argument or misunderstanding and I couldn't bear the thought of you being with Henry. I guess what I'm saying is that...I really fucking love you, Moony."

Remus suddenly lost the ability to form words as he stared at Sirius, his mouth slightly open as he blinked at the other boy in confusion and surprise.

Sirius waited a beat as he stared back at him, nervously flitting his eyes across Remus' face"Soo?" He asked hesitantly.

"Fuck, Sirius."  Remus barely had time to think before he pushed Sirius up against the wall just behind them at the back of the stage and pressed his lips to Sirius' again, his hands finding Sirius' waist as he pressed him harder into the wall, pressing kisses all over Sirius' face and down his jaw, biting down gently on the soft skin of Sirius' neck as he moaned into Remus' ear, his fingers tugging in Remus' hair, bringing him ever closer.

"Fuck."  Remus whispered against Sirius' skin, and unable to help himself; "You're so much better at this than Henry."

Remus felt Sirius smile as he hummed underneath him, bringing Remus' face back up to his again and kissing him hard on the mouth. "You should probably talk to him." He murmured.

Remus pushed the thought away, quickly. Not even the guilt of disappointing Henry could ruin this moment. "Not now." He muttered. "Later."