Kabanata 24

Betray

The time passed so quickly when you're feeling okay, so slow when you're in pain.

Nagpaalam ako kay mama bago lumabas at sinalubong ang aking kaibigan na naghihintay sa akin labas. Nangingiting Augustina ang naglagay ng kaniyang kamay sa aking braso.

"Ano? Nakapagpaalam ka na ba?" Tanong niya habang pumapara ng tricycle.

Umiling ako. "Matagal tagal pa naman. At tsaka magpapaalam pa akong sumali ng Christmas party."

"Of course Tita will let you join Christmas party."

Alam ko naman iyon, pero nakaugalian ko na kasing magpaalam pa rin. There are times when we need to go to Manila, before or same as the date nang madalas na ginaganap ang Christmas party.

"Minsan kasi 'diba kailangan naming bumiyahe pa-Manila. Baka ngayong taon rin, eh."

"Gano'n? Hala paano 'yan, edi hindi ka makakasama kung maggagala tayo?"

Malungkot ko siyang tinignan. "Probably."

Hindi maipinta ang mukha ni Augustina hanggang sa makarating kami ng escuelahan. Tsaka lang ngumiti nang nagpaalam siya sa akin.

Nakasimangot rin tuloy akong naglakad pataas dahil sa aking kaibigan. Ganoon siguro talaga, nahahawa ka sa emosyong pinapakita ng malalapit sa'yo. Pumasok ako sa classroom at bumungad sa akin ang malaking lettering ng "Happy December!" sa blackboard. Hindi ko alam kung makakaramdam ako ng saya o lungkot tuwing naiisip kong malapit nang matapos ang taon.

Umupo ako sa proper seat ko at pinagmasdan ang lettering. When you're enjoying the days, hindi mo nararamdaman na umaandar ito. Magugulat ka na lang at mahabang panahon na pala ang lumipas.

Naagaw ang atensiyon ko nang pumasok si Eros sa classroom. With his hair now a bit longer than before, he entered the room with his usual scowl. His eyes were directed at me and I can't help but to smile. He didn't respond instead he sat beside me.

"Aga mo, ah." I commented, dahil hindi siya ganitong oras pumapasok.

"Good morning." Napangiwi ako sa kaniyang pagbati. Parang sinasabi niya namang ang rude ko para pansinin ang kaagahan niya kaysa batiin muna siya.

"Good morning."

When the year starts, I was desperate to be close with him. I did everything since I met him and start to become part of his group. Kalagitnaan ng taon nang tumigil ako at nawalan ng pagasa. Confuse and hurt, I tried to distance and changed myself not knowing that this day will come... the day when I am comfortable and not anymore desperate to get his attention.

My previous years were now blurred to me. Some things were already forgotten, but this year highlight will be written in the paper to not forget. Who would think that someone who hates you to moon will treat you now as a friend?

Natapos ang flag ceremony at nagpahayag ang aming punong guro ng nalalapit ng holiday at Christmas party. Everyone is happy including me. Marami ang nangyari sa loob ng isang taon, and now that we're on the last month, why would we deny to ourselves the happiness? Sa isang taon na dinaanan natin ang sakit at hirap, hindi ba pwedeng magpasalamat at maging masaya dahil nakaabot tayo hanggang dito?

"Hera!" Parang baliw na lumapit sa akin si Roswell at niyakap ako. Aangal pa sana ako kung hindi lang siya bumitiw agad.

"Pumayag na si Augustina na lumabas sa susunod na linggo. Maraming salamat sa tulong mo!"

Tinanong ko lang naman si Augustina kung wala siyang gagawin. I didn't do much. Gayon pa man, ngumiti ako sa kaibigan dahil masaya ako para sa kaniya.

"Masaya ako para sa'yo. Mahirap si Augustina lapitan, I'm glad that you're really determined to get her attention."

"Gano'n talaga kapag gusto mo ang isang tao, Hera. You'll do anything to get her attention."

Tumango ako. I've seen how he tried to get along with my friend, Augustina. If there is someone who deserves her among the queue admirers she has, I think Roswell is the best choice, not just because he is my friend, but because I know what kind of person he is.

"Ikaw, you never liked someone?" Biglang lihis ng topic papunta sa akin.

Ngumuso ako at nagisip. My first ever serious crush was him. But I don't like him that much that I even wonder if it is really admiration. Or, I am just confused?

"Abnormal ka kung hindi ka nagkakagusto sa lalaki... or you like the same sex?"

Masama ko siyang tinignan at agad niya akong tinawanan.

"What's the problem with having a crush with a girl, too?"

"Bakit? Did you perhaps liked a boy before, too?"

Ngayon siya naman ang hindi makangiti at kinurot na lang ang aking pisngi. Inirapan ko siya at sa huli ay natawa na lang din.

"But, seriously, Hera. Wala ka pa talagang nagugustuhan? Not in your entire life?"

Umiling ako ng dahan dahan. Hindi ko alam kung may gusto nga ba ako. I don't know how you can like someone... I don't know how it feels. I read a lot of books, most of them says, you feel butterfly in your stomach, you think him every second of the day, you turned tomato red when you see him, and you get nervous when he's around. But I wonder, are those true? Paano kung nararamdaman ko iyon, pero sa taong hindi ko naman sigurado kung siya nga ang gusto ko.

"You're smart, Hera. I guess you have a high standard for a guy?" Hula niya na hindi ko rin sigurado.

Maybe because I still don't think about it now? I am busy with my studies, and I am fine with the friends? I have a lot of people around me who loves me... I guess its fine? Kahit ngayon lang muna? Okay lang naman sigurong wala muna akong gusto?

"I'm fine with my friends." I said in a low voice.

"Pero iba ang pakiramdam kapag may inspirasyon ka. You'll get excited going to school para lang makasilay."

Ngumiti ako ng tipid sa kaibigan. Nilingon ko siya at nakitang parang nagkakapuso ang mga mata niya sa sobrang saya. I think he's imagining someone.

"I sound gay, but that's what love can do. Turn straight into gays because of happiness."

"Hindi ba pwedeng maging masaya at kiligin ang mga lalaki?"

Nilingon niya ako at ngumiti pa lalo.

"Ililibre kita mamaya. Pasasalamat ko sa pagtulong mo sa akin."

Now I wonder how it feels to like someone. Is it really the butterflies? The nervous? Is it really the 'kilig'? What if... you're hurt thinking about someone? Is it still considered? When you're jealous?

May tumabi sa akin at nakita ko si Eros na seryosong umupo pagkatapos higitin ang isang upuan.

I wonder how someone fall and think they are in love.

Because of many thought about this stuff, hindi ko na napigilan ang sariling magtanong. If only mama is here, edi sana siya ang natanong ko.

"Eros, how'd you realized you like someone?" I languidly asked him.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtayo ni Roswell sa tabi ko at hindi ko na siya kailangan sundan ng tingin para makitang pupunta siya sa likod para makipagkwentuhan.

Kumunot ang noo ni Eros, tila hindi naintindihan ang tanong na isinatinig ko. His jaw clenched and his eyes turned pitch black. There are times when I am scared to look at his deep brooding hawk eyes, but there are also days, like today, that I am amaze how a man like him can hide a thousand galaxies in his eyes.

"Why did you asked?"

Ngumuso ako at nagiwas na ng tingin. I am just wondering. He's been into relationships. Maybe I can get an answer from him of how does liking, falling in love, admiration happens?

"Wala lang." Walang gana kong sagot.

I didn't expect him to answer anymore when I didn't hear a respond from him. Maybe, we're not still that close for him to open up with me of how he fell with his previous girls.

"You will feel it." He suddenly said with his natural deep baritone.

I looked at him and I saw him staring in front.

"Feel it? How?" I am confused with his answer.

Bumaling siya sa akin at tumama ang kaniyang malalim na mga mata sa aking matang puno nang kuryusidad. I grow, and my curiousity, too.

"You will just know. If you will force yourself to know how it feels and it happens to most of the boys you'll met, you will be confuse if you like them or not." He reasoned out.

He got a point. But I still have a question.

"Edi... basta mo na lang naramdaman na gusto mo si Sancha? Si Stephanie?" I asked like a kid who is thirsty for answers from legend stories.

He looked at me with that daggers eyes and I suddenly feel like I am being shot with something. His eyes may be looks like full of stars, but it is also full of guns. Masakit kung titignan siyang seryoso at halos galit.

"Oh, nevermind." Sambit ko kaagad dahil baka naiinis na ito sa sobrang dami kong tanong.

"I never liked them." He said seriously kaya napatingin ulit ako sa kaniya.

"You're bluffing. How come-"

"I never liked any of them." He said again.

Umiling ako at halos malaglag ang panga dahil sa kaniyang pagamin. He's lying! It's obvious.

"I make relationship with those who wants to play."

Oh, I forgot that he's a playboy. If he didn't take any of them seriously, ang sama naman niya.

"You have no heart."

"I have. I don't play with those who are not fond of it."

Matalim ang aking tingin nang binalingan ko siya. But I was taken aback when I saw his more intense stares at me.

Buti na lang at dumating na ang guro, dahil kung hindi, baka kung ano pa ang nasabi ko. Ang dami kong opinyon sa mga bagay bagay na hindi ko ako nakakasigurado kung mabuti pa.

Tumayo kaming lahat nang sabay sabay para batiin ang gurong pumasok. Bumalik si Roswell sa gilid ko at ganoon din si Eros. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin at nang umambang lilingon na ay ibinalik ko ang tingin sa harap.

You will feel it.

I listened to my throbbing heartbeat and wonder.

"Let's go."

Tumango ako kay Eros at sumabay na sa kaniya palabas. Since then na pinansin niya ako, madalas na kaming magsabay lagi tuwing pupunta ng canteen para makita ang mga kaibigan namin. Nakasalubong namin si Sancha and I expected Eros to atleast greet her pero hindi niya ginawa. Diretso ang tingin at lakad niya pababa ng third floor.

Busangot si Augustina nang naupo ako sa tabi niya. Agad namang napawi nang nakita ako sa tabi niya.

"Eros, naghahanap ng team si Santos for upcoming National Basketball Tournament sa Davao." Balita ni Zeus kay Eros.

He sat beside him, katapat ko. They started talking about the upcoming tournament. Nanalo kasi sa Provincial ang team ng school namin sa basketball.

"You'll join?" Dagdag na tanong naman ni Kirby.

"No. I already quit."

Oo nga pala at bago kami mag-Senior High ay umalis na siya sa team. When Arthur and other grade 12 students graduated, I feel like the team has become toxic. That's what I heard from Roswell, dahil pati siya ay umalis na sa grupo.

"Pwede naman daw bumalik. Ang sabi pati ni Coach, he would love to see you on the team again."

Umiling lang si Eros bilang sagot. Hindi na rin naman siya pinilit ng iba naming kaibigan. I think, hindi niya na ata talagang gustong bumalik. The topic was diverted from our plan in upcoming holiday break. Isinatinig ko na baka hindi ako makasama dahil baka magplano si Mama na umalis pa'Maynila. They all turned sad when I said that, and I can't help but to feel a bit guilty.

"Tingin mo, masaya kayo kapag wala ako?" Tanong ko kay Eros habang paakyat kami ng floor namin.

Tumawa ako sa sariling tanong. Of course, they will be. Hindi naman ako ganoong kalaking kawalan para hindi nila ma'enjoy ang outing.

"What do you think?"

"Hmm... siguro. I'm not a big deal." I said without thinking.

Natigil siya sa paglalakad at tinignan ako gamit ang nanlilisik na mga mata.

"So that's what you think of us? That we don't care even you're not around?" Mariin niyang tanong.

I pouted and looked at his eyes. Unlike earlier, he's calmer now.

"You don't care if I am around or not." I said, remembering those times when he's always absent when I'm around.

He stiffened and his jaw move. He bit his lip and looked away. Dumiretso sa paglalakad kaya ginaya ko siya.

"Lagi kang wala kapag nariyan ako. You don't even visit me at home noong pumunta sila. So. I am not really a big deal and I understand. Hindi naman lahat nakikita ako bilang importanteng tao." There's a hollow in my throat that makes it difficult for me to talk more. Well, I guess I talked so much already.

"Iyan ba ang tingin mo sarili mo?" He asked sternly.

Hindi ako nakaimik. I don't want to think that I am not important like others, pero paano ko gagawin iyon gayong simula pa lang noon, I already realized how unimportant I am to be a big deal... to be left by someone.

"Siguro?" Tinawanan ko siya at nakita ko lamang ang madilim at misteryosong mga mata niya.

Hindi na siya umimik at ganoon din ako. I tried to calm my heart and swallow the vile in my throat.

"Hera!"

Kauupo ko pa lang nang dumating si Roswell na may dala dalang sangkatutak na mga pagkain. Namilog ang mga mata ko nang natantong para sa akin iyon.

"Ito na. Para sa susunod, makahingi ulit ako ng pabor sa'yo." He giggled and put all the snacks in my desk.

"That will make your teeth unhealthy." Mababa at malamig na boses ni Eros ang sumulpot bigla.

Tumayo siya sa aking unahan katabi si Roswell at parehas ko silang tiningala. Napakamot sa ulo niya si Roswell at hindi alam kung anong gagawin.

Umiling agad ako at hinawakan isa isa ang nilapag niyang pagkain.

"Hindi naman ako madalas kumain nito kaya hindi masisira agad ang ngipin ko." I assured him and saw a unfriendly expression from Eros.

Bago ko pa masabing masama nga ang tingin ni Eros kay Roswell, pumasok na ang guro sa loob.

Sinundan ko ng tingin si Eros, kagaya nang madalas kong ginagawa. He looked at me, with anger in his eyes. Ngumuso ako, hindi alam bakit natutuwa ako.

Hinabol ko si Eros nang dire-diretso siyang lumabas at hindi na ako hinintay. Kinawayan ko si Roswell at ngumiti lang ito sa akin. I looked again at Eros at nakitang tumigil na ito at nakatingin sa akin. Ngumiti ako pero nagiwas agad siya ng tingin sa akin. I half run at nang maabutan siya ay naglakad na lang din ako.

"Is he courting you?" Nasa second floor na kami nang nagsimula siyang magsalita.

I looked at him again and saw his jaw moving. It's like his greeting his teeth. Ngumuso ako at tinagong muli ang sayang nararamdaman.

"Sino? Wala namang nanliligaw sa akin."

"Tss."

"Si Roswell ba? Eh magkaibigan kami no'n."

"Then why did he give you chocolates?" Iritado niyang tanong, tumigil at binalingan ako, naiinis.

Not wanting my friend's secret to spread, I just shake my head. Nakitaan ko ng mas lalong inis ang kaniyang mukha at pinigilan ang sariling magsalita. He walked fast na kinailangan ko na namang tumakbo para mahabol siya.

Para siyang bata kung magalit. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang kaniyang ikinagagalit.

"Pasasalamat niya lang 'to sa akin. Tinulungan ko kasi siya." I reasoned but it seems like he doesn't care.

Nakarating kami kung nasaan ang mga kaibigan namin. Tsaka niya pa lang ako sinulyapan. Galit ang mga matang nag-iwas. Ngumuso ako at biglang nakaramdam nang sakit. What if... sumobra na ako? Baka nainis na ito sa akin at hindi na ako pansinin.

My thoughts get cut when he entered the tricycle and sat beside me. Namimilog ang mga mata ko siyang tinignan.

"I am mad. Stop looking at me like that." Aniya at nagiwas ng tingin.

Nagdaan ang ilang linggo at hindi naman nabago ang kaniyang pakikitungo sa akin. He remained cool with me, na siguro ay may araw lang na medyo naiinis siya. Dahil pagkatapos ng araw na iyon, he still sit beside me at room, wait at me when we're going out, and also sit me with me inside the tricycle when we're going home.

Pakiramdam ko wala ng tatalo sa sayang nararamdaman ko nitong nagdaang linggo. Iba talaga ang pakiramdam kapag alam mong hindi mo na pinipilit ang sarili mo isang tao. Masaya kapag alam mong tanggap ka na bilang kaibigan. Nakakagaan ng loob kapag nalaman mong tama ang naging desisyon mo.

"Hera, pumayag ulit si Augustina na lumabas kami after Christmas party." Balita sa akin ni Roswell habang nag-aayos kami ng decoration sa room.

"Mabuti kung ganoon."

"Naghihintay na lang ako nang tamang oras para tanungin siya." Maligaya niyang sambit bago nagpatuloy sa pagdidikit ng balloons .

Lumapit ako sa teacher's table sa unahan para kumuha ng ilang pang paper cuts. Naroon si Eros at seryosong naggugupit.

"Tapos na?" I asked.

Tiningala niya ako. Parang galing sa malalim na pagiisip siya nang tinignan ako. He didn't respond kaya medyo tumaas ang isang kilay ko.

"Kailan ang balik mo galing Manila?" He asked.

Kumunot ang noo ko. I asked my Mama about that, hindi kami matutuloy dahil kailangan siya sa Hotel.

"Hindi kami magpapa'Maynila."

Hindi nabago ang kaniyang ekspresyon kaya nagtaka ako.

"Bakit?"

Umiling siya at inabot na sa akin ang ginupit na mga papel. Tatalikuran ko na sana siya nang nagsalita siya bigla.

"Bibisita ako sa inyo when the sembreak starts."

Medyo nagulat ako sa kaniyang sinabi pero hindi nakatago ang ngiti sa aking labi. Tumango ako at dumiretso na sa nagkukumpulang kaklase.

When you thought your last decision before the year ends is the best choice, there comes circumstances in life that will never let you have a peace of mind.

Nginitian ko si Zeus nang makita ko siyang nagiisa sa tapat ng building namin. Eros has something to finish kaya nauna akong bumababa.

Zeus smiled at me.

"Ikaw pa lang?"

Tumango siya at hindi na umimik. I suddenly feel strange because of his indifferent. But before I could speak what's on my mind, he talked.

"I asked Augustina this coming Christmas party but she told me that she has something to do." He seriously uttered.

Napakurap kurap ako at nakaramdam ng hindi mapangalanang kaba. Why I suddenly feel guilty?

"I think she has a date." Dagdag niya pa.

Hindi ako nakaimik.

I know someone will get hurt if Roswell and Augustina will turn to be a good thing. I know Zeus likes Augustina, hindi man sinasabi ay napapansin ko. I am hesitated to help Roswell before because of him; Zeus is my friend. Pero... Roswell is my friend, too. Is my decision wrong? Mali bang tinulungan ko si Roswell?

"I know you are helping Roswell kay Augustina. And don't think that I'm mad. We're not only your friends. I understand kung bakit mo siya tinutulungan." Bakas sa boses niya ang sakit.

"I just found out when I asked her but she refused. She told me she's going on a date... which is Roswell, right?"

Suddenly, I feel like I betray him... I betray them.