Chapter 50

Nagulat ako nang makita kita ulit sa bar. Hindi ko aakalaing makikita kita pagkatapos ng ilang taon kong paghahanap sa 'yo pero nagulat ako at nasaktan nang malamang hindi mo pala ako naaalala. I didn't know what to do so I just called and followed you. I was hoping that you would recognize me when I got closer to you but sadly, I was wrong dahil mukhang natakot pa kita.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi mo ako maalala o kung ako lang ba ang nakalimutan mo. Sa mga panahong hindi kita nakita, wala akong naging balita sa 'yo. Ang alam ko lang, umalis ka sa isla nang hindi ko alam ang dahilan. At pag-alis mo, pinuntahan kaagad ako ng Mommy mo at pinakulong ako. Kinasuhan niya ako. Akala ko doon na matatapos 'yon pero nagkamali ako. Habang nakakulong ako sa kasalanang wala naman akong alam, binayaran niya pala ang mga kasama ko para pahirapan ako.

No'ng mga panahong 'yon ko rin napag-isip-isip ang nararamdaman para sa 'yo. I thought it was just normal but as the time passed by, na-realize kong iba na pala.

Gusto na pala kita, Alindra. Ang malungkot lang, hindi na kita ulit nakita.

Dalawang taon. Dalawang taon din akong naghirap nang wala ka. Hindi lang dahil nakakulong ako at binubugbog halos araw-araw. Kung hindi dahil na rin sa dahilang kahit isang beses, hindi mo man lang ako dinalaw.

At kung tatanungin mo ako kung ano ang pinakamalungkot na araw para sa akin –  'yon ay ang araw kung kailan umalis ka at hindi mo na ako binalikan pa.

I stopped from reading when I can't properly breathe anymore. I just stared at the book and hugged it tightly – imagining that it's Yves.

"I'm sorry.. I'm sorry. H-Hindi ko alam," I whispered while my voice is shaking. Wala na akong pakialam kung may makarinig pa sa akin.

Sumasakit ang dibdib ko habang inaalala ulit ang mga nakasulat sa librong binigay niya na akala ko dati, wala namang nakasulat. I don't know that he experienced that because of my mother! She made him suffer just because she doesn't want Yves for me! Just because he's the son of Tito Fredrick! Ng kabit niya! Pinakulong niya 'yong tao kahit wala namang kasalanan!

Hindi naman niya kasalanang siya ang gusto ko! Na siya ang mahal ko! Clearly, it's not his fault!

Why did he suffer like that?

Why did he need to experience that painful past?

Sinabi na sa akin ito dati! Hindi ko lang maalala kung si Lola o si Mom! O silang dalawa! Pero hindi ko masyadong pinansin! Pero ngayong nakita ko ang sulat ni Yves, ang sakit-sakit!

Kahit tapos na ang nangyari, alam kong may kasalanan pa rin ako! I should've stayed by his side! I shouldn't have left him! I shouldn't have believed his Lola! Para hindi na ako umalis pa sa tabi niya!

Pero nangyari na.. ano pa bang magagawa ko?

If I can only erase his memories during those times, I will immediately do it without any hesitation. I don't want him to remember that.

At kung mababalik ko lang ang oras, hinding-hindi ako aalis sa tabi niya.

. . .

A year has passed already and I can say that my mental condition is getting better – much better than before. Before, I used to have breakdowns especially at night. Kahit may kasama ako o wala, nagwawala ako. Umiiyak.

But now.. hindi na masyado. Umiiyak na lang ako kapag naaalala ko siya.

"Congratulations, Miss Rivera! Your report is good! You did a very good job!"

I suddenly smiled when one of the investors greeted me after our meeting. We also shook our hands together.

"Thanks, Mr. Sanchez.."

"Manang-mana ka kay President Alesso!" sabi pa ng isang halos ka-edad ni Lola. I think, she's one of the managers of our hotel in Cebu.

Ngumiti naman ako sa sinabi niya.

"Nako, kailan ba makaka-recover si Sir? Na-mi-miss na namin siya!" sabi pa ng isang investor na babae. "Not that I don't want you here, Alindra. Nakaka-miss lang katrabaho ang Dad mo.."

I chuckled a bit after that. "Naka-recover naman na po si Dad. Slowly. Hindi pa fully. But he'll surely come back if he's already perfectly fine."

We all sipped on our wines that the secretary prepared for us. Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag nang matapos akong mag-report. Dad will surely be happy if he knows about this. He's just always proud of me.

I'm sure, he'll be happy now that I have finally paid all of his debts and also its interests. Our business is now also stable. Habang wala si Dad at nagpapagaling, ako muna ang nag-manage ng aming hotels and restaurants while I'm still studying. I can manage my time properly though sometimes, it's very stressful.

It's a good thing that Doctora Sia is always there to check me up. She always reminds me to take everything easy. Ayaw ko na ring lumala ang condition ko. That's why I really encouraged myself to be more gentle and don't be harsh to myself. Even if I still have a lot of problems and struggles these past few months.

Hindi rin naman nawala sa isipan ko si Yves. Simula nang mawala siya at umalis.. hindi ko na siya ulit nakita. Sometimes, I'm thinking that he did it on purpose. To take a revenge. Dahil ginawa ko rin 'yon sa kaniya dati. But I didn't leave him just because I really wanted to. Kailangan ako ni Dad kahit kailangan niya rin naman ako.

I think, I'll never learn not to cry everytime he crosses my mind. Just like here inside the car while I'm driving – I can't stop my tears from rolling down on my face. Lumuluha lang ako pero hindi ako humihikbi. Gusto ko lang pakawalan ang luha ko sa sulok ng mga mata.

Isang taon na rin simula nang nagsimula ko siyang hanapin. I even hired professionals just to find him and ask for help but I didn't even see him. Hindi na rin siya kailan man bumalik sa Puricia Grittonia.

At nang malaman kong nabili na nga ang bahay nila ro'n.. doon na ako nanghina. Pero hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa.

I know that he also experienced what I'm feeling. I know that he also suffered because of me. He also had a hard time trying to look for me.

Kaya anong karapatan kong mawalan ng pag-asa? Kung ang lahat ng pinagdadaanan ko, naranasan din naman niya?

I didn't really stop from finding him. I'm still clinging to the hopes that he gave me. Pakakasalan niya ako. Nagpapahinga lang siya.

Umaasa pa rin ako.

Kahit sa tingin ko, ayaw na niyang magpahanap pa.

I decided to go to the grocery first to buy some goods even though the maids already bought some stocks last week. I just want to do this by myself. Para din kahit papaano, may iba akong gagawin at pupuntahan.

I grabbed the cart as I went to the beverages section. I was about to get some energy drinks when I bumped into someone. I looked down only to see a little boy in front of me. Nanlaki nang kaunti ang mata ko nang makitang umiiyak siya.

The toddler is a bit familiar and also this scene. Seems like it happened already before.

"M-Mom.. Mom-ma," the little boy whispered while wiping his tears.

Napakurap ako dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Baka mas lalo lang siyang umiyak. But he's really familiar to me.

Have I seen him before but I just forgot about him, too at hindi ko pa rin siya naaalala hanggang ngayon?

Or maybe I just saw him before at the commercial? His features are showing that he isn't a pure Filipino.

I sighed and looked at him again when he continued to cry. I noticed that his face is now really red. "What's your name and where's your---"

"Baby!"

Hindi pa ako natatapos sa sasabihin nang may narinig akong boses. Nagulat naman ako nang lumapit sa amin si Regina at niyakap ang bata. It's probably her son! Right! Nakita ko na nga siya dati!

My brow shot up when I saw Regina's tears while she's carrying her son. Mukhang nawala ang bata at hinahanap niya kanina pa.

"Sorry, baby. Nandito na si Mama.."

"If I were you, I would always look after my child. Baka kasi mawala eh," I casually told her while getting a drink.

Nakita ko naman sa gilid ng mata ko ang paglapit niya sa akin. "Sinasabi mong pinapabayaan ko ang anak ko?"

I just smiled a bit and shook my head at her. I have no time to argue anymore. Wala akong ganang makipag-usap sa kaniya kaya tinalikuran ko na. When we last saw each other, we were in bad terms. I don't remember exactly what happened a few months ago and what she told me that's why I'm still freaking mad at her.

I stopped and looked for her when I realized that she's apparently connected to Yves! She probably knows where he is right now! Or at least, she knows what really happened!

Umikot ako sa ibang area ng grocery para lang hanapin siya. Mabuti at nakita ko naman kaagad siyang may hawak ang anak niya.

"Regina," I called her out and held her arm. "Alam mo ba kung nasaan si Yves? Please, tell me. I need to know. Matagal ko na siyang hinahanap.."

I know, I sounded like a really desperate woman but I'm very much eager to know about Yves' whereabouts. I miss him so much already! I want to see him again! So freaking bad!

"Parang kanina lang tinatarayan mo pa ako," kalmado naman niyang sagot. "Sorry, hindi ko kasi alam. Matagal na rin akong walang balita sa kaniya. Umuwi lang ako no'ng namatay si Lola."

Bagsak ang balikat ko nang marinig 'yon sa kaniya. I looked away as I prevented my tears from coming out.

"Nagsasabi ako ng totoo, Alindra. Baka nagdududa ka. Kung talagang umalis nga si Yves, baka dahil tinutupad na niya ang pangarap sa kaniya ng Lola niya..."

I looked at her again after she said that. I suddenly saw sadness and pity in her eyes when she met my gaze. Hindi nagtagal, umalis na siya kasama ang anak nang hindi ko naiintindihan ang huling sinabi niya.

I closed my eyes tightly as I calmed down myself. I decided to get inside my car –  completely forgetting my agenda today because of what just happened. I know, I shouldn't lose hope but I'm so down right now. Mas lalong lumala ang pagkalungkot ko dahil kay Yves.

I took a glance on my ring that Yves gave me before. The small ounce of my hopes are now slowly fading and I'm now really afraid because of it. I'm afraid that I will finally lose my hopes someday and that day, Yves will come back again.

Natatakot akong pagbalik niya, wala na akong natitirang pag-asa para sa aming dalawa.

But I guess, that won't happen. I'm just being paranoid. I'm just overthinking! My love for him is greater than all of these sickening thoughts and feelings of mine! Mahal na mahal ko siya! Maghihintay ako!

I sighed again and searched for a drink but I realized that I didn't buy anything from the store because of what happened. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ulit ako.

Naabutan ko namang naliligo sa pool si Catalina pag-uwi ko. Hindi ko na sana papansinin nang makita ko si Natalia sa tabi niya. They're discussing about something.

"Ate, wala ka na dapat pakialam! Ikakasal na 'yong tao!"

"Alam ko, Catalina pero hindi ko lang maiwasang masaktan," malungkot naman na sagot ni Natalia kay Catalina.

I walked closer to the pool area when Catalina already saw me. She raised her brow and smirked.

"Nandito ka na pala.."

Nakita kong nakatingin lang sa akin si Natalia but unlike her sister, she's more calm and quiet. I hate her but not as much as I hate Catalina. Catalina always knows how to completely annoy me.

Ngumisi rin naman ako sa kaniya. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Hindi eh. Akala kasi namin, hinahanap mo na naman 'yong boyfriend mong ayaw nang magpakita sa 'yo," she told me and laughed. Hinampas niya pa ang kapatid pero tiningnan lang siya nito.

Tumaas naman ang kilay ko sa sinabi niya at lumapit pa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang sipag niyang magsalita sa akin nang ganiyan! She perfectly knows how to ruin my day! She's freaking annoying!

"Ikaw, nandito ka pala kahit kailangan ka sa office. You're just chilling here all day, all night. Well, I should thank you for not going there anyway. The company will probably just file its bankruptcy if ever.."

Nanlaki naman ang mata niya sa akin. "How dare you---"

"Catalina, ano ba? Sobra na," kalmado pero naiinis na sabi ni Natalia sa kambal. She stopped Catalina from attacking me.

"Anong sobra? Hindi mo ba narinig 'yong sinabi niya?! Nang-iinsulto!" Catalina said and angrily looked at me. "Bastarda!"

Lumapit pa ako lalo sa kaniya. "Excuse me? What did you say?"

I was about to grab her hair when someone cleared his throat. When I turned around, I saw Jackson Dela Rama – the investigator that I hired a few weeks ago just to find Yves.

Yes. I'm this desperate to be with him again.

Kahit naiinis pa kay Catalina, iniwanan ko siya at nilapitan ang investigator.

"What's the news? Bakit pumunta ka pa rito?"

Naririnig ko pa sa likuran ko si Catalina na hinahamon pa ako ng away pero hindi ko na lang pinansin. Jackson is a bit uncomfortable with it though.

"Don't mind that bitch. Anong sasabihin mo? Nahanap mo na ba siya? Please, let me know," I desperately told him like a beggar asking for some foods to eat.

"Huli namin siyang nakita sa Puricia Del Rio---"

"T-Talaga? Where is that? Malapit lang ba? Can I go there now so I can see him? Come with me!"

Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa loob ng mansion para i-ready ang mga gamit ko. Naramdaman ko namang sumunod sa akin si Jackson.

"Malapit sa Puricia Grittonia ang Del Rio, Miss Alindra. Hindi tayo kaagad makakarating doon ngayon."

Lumingon naman kaagad ako sa kaniya. "I have ways.."

. . .

"Thanks, Dad.."

I gently wiped my tears after the call ended. I'm here inside our helicopter with Jackson. It's really a good thing that Dad supports me and he lets me borrow our helicopter even just for an hour. I'm just really determined to see Yves again.

No'ng nakaraan ay sumakay ako sa private plane nina Vander at heto naman ako ngayon at ginamit pa ang helicopter ng pamilya namin. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang magagawa ko para lang makita siya. I'm searching for him in a most desperate and miserable way that I know.

Nagulat naman ako nang kaunti nang abutan ako ni Jackson ng panyo. Tiningnan ko lang 'yon.

"You should've just brought him at the mansion. Hindi na sana natin kailangang pumunta pa sa isla," sabi ko habang nakatingin lang sa harapan.

Gusto ko nang makababa kaagad at hanapin si Yves.

"Hindi ko ho trabahong sapilitang isama ang pinapahanap ng kliyente ko.."

Kumunot naman kaagad ang noo ko sa narinig. "Sapilitan?"

My forehead creased even more when he didn't answer me anymore and he just shook his head. Nakatingin lang siya nang diretso sa harapan.

Hindi ko na lang pinansin dahil kinakabahan na ako lalo na nang makitang malapit na kami sa isla. Gusto ko nang tumalon palabas sa helicopter at hanapin kaagad si Yves. I'm really hoping that I'll finally see him again.

When the helicopter finally landed, I immediately went outside. Jackson followed me as I roamed around the island. Akala ko bubungad sa akin si Yves pero nagulat ako nang makita ko si Mom.

My heart jumped not because of excitement or joy. Because of anger, perhaps. It's been many months.. actually, years since she left us. Masakit at nakakagalit na makita siya ulit at sa ganitong pagkakataon pa. I'm concerned about Yves! I'm not even looking for her! Why did she even show up!

"Alindra," she called me with a weak voice.

Tinitigan ko siya na parang hindi ko kilala. I noticed that she's only wearing a plain dress today with a scarf on her head. I closed my eyes when she suddenly approached and hugged me. Alright, I missed her. I remembered that we used to have so many bondings before. We shop, swim and drink together.

We're close to each other but we're not showy. We're allergic of hugs and kisses but the thought of her - hugging me right now - makes me want to cry. But then, I also remembered what she did to us that's why I immediately pushed her slightly away from me - para lang hindi niya na ako mayakap pa.

Nakakainis. Nakakadiri.

"Let's go, Jackson. Baka hindi na natin maabutan si Yves," sabi ko at tinalikuran si Mom.

"'Yan ba ang sinabi sa 'yo ni Jackson? Na nakita niya rito 'yong Yves na 'yon?" I faced Mom when I heard her say that. "Well then.. congrats, Jackson. You made my daughter believe you."

Kunot ang noo kong tumingin kay Jackson na nakayuko na ngayon. "What does this mean? Did you both plan this?!"

"Nautusan lang ho ako ni Ma'am Minerva.."

"This isn't your job! How dare you?! You fooled me!" naiinis na sabi ko sa kaniya. Tumingin naman ako kay Mom. "Ikaw, Mom? Ano ba talagang gusto mo? You already left us because of that Fredrick or whatever his name is! I don't freaking care! Sinaktan mo kami! Niloko mo kami! You're one of the reasons why Yves left! Tapos ngayon, bigla kang magpapakita na parang wala kang ginawa? Na parang walang nangyari? I didn't know that you're this evil.."

I disappointedly looked at her. She's now in tears but I don't care anymore. Mas masakit ang ginawa niya sa amin!

"I-I thought things will be better if I leave you and your Dad. Hindi ko ginustong may mangyaring masama sa kaniya. I swear--"

"You just made everything worse," I intently told her while directly looking at her eyes. "From now on, don't ever talk to us especially to Dad! He doesn't deserve you! 'Wag ka nang magpapakita sa amin!"

Tumakbo ako nang tumakbo palayo sa kanila. Niloko nila ako! Si Jackson! Pinaniwala ako na nahanap na si Yves! Sinabi niya lang 'yon para pumunta ako sa isla na 'to at makita si Mom! Well, I'm not even interested at all!

Nakakainis! I even borrowed Dad's helicopter just for this nonsense!

Dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa dalampasigan. Kapag nalulungkot ako at umiiyak, lagi na lang akong napupunta rito. The only difference right now is that, I'm not crying anymore. I'm just mad - really really mad and disgusted. I'm maybe sad because of Yves but I'm still waiting for him to come back again to me. My heart always refuses to give up. Certainly because I'm extremely in love with him.

I stared at the waves crashing around my feet. I noticed that they keep on running away from the shore but after a few minutes, they'll come back to meet the sand again.

I'm hoping that Yves is like a wave. He'll leave but he'll eventually come back and just like the sand, I'll patiently wait for his return.

To Yves, wherever you are.. I'm always here waiting for you. Umaasa pa rin ako na tutuparin mo ang pangako mo sa akin. Umaasa ako na pakakasalan mo ako at hindi na iiwan kahit kailan.

A batch of tears came out from my eyes as I looked at my ring. The ring that symbolizes our love for each other.

Pinikit ko ang mata ko saka bumulong, "I'll wait for you, Yves.."

. . .