Chapter 13

I don't know how long we've been here in the middle of the sea. I don't know where we are heading to, honestly.

Tahimik lang si Yves. Hindi nagsasalita kaya ganoon din ang ginagawa ko kahit may mga gusto akong itanong. I also don't want him to think that I'm interested about things that are connected to him. I'm also tired, emotional and starving right now that I suddenly lost my energy to speak and also to admire the beauty of nature that surrounds us.

Gusto ko na lang matapos ang lahat ng ka-drama-han na 'to. Dati wala namang ganito!

My life has been peaceful not until now!

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako sa lahat ng nangyayari ngayon. Masyadong mabilis ang lahat to the point that I can't even process it all!

I just looked around only to see the dark gray sky and the wild waves that are crashing together. Pumikit naman ako sandali para pakalmahin ang sarili. Napansin ko bigla si Yves sa harapan ko nang dumilat ako. Matamlay siyang nagsasagwan. He's still quiet. I wonder what's running on his mind right now. But I'm sure that he's worried about his grandma.

Kung bakit ba naman kasi nandito siya ngayon!

I took a deep breath before I looked away. “I think we should go back now..”

Pinakiramdaman ko muna siya. Nasa harapan siyang nagsasagwan while I'm sitting at the center of the boat but he still didn't hear me. Or maybe he heard me but his thoughts are just so deep that he couldn't even listen to me carefully.

“Yves,” mas malakas na pagtawag ko sa kaniya. This time he finally stopped from what he's doing and faced me. “Bumalik na tayo.”

“Bakit biglang nagbago ang isip mo? Masyado na tayong malayo sa Grittonia..”

Confusion is really evident on his reaction right now. At halatang na-f-frustrate din siya sa akin.

“I-I know but your lola is sick. Somehow, nag-aalala ako sa kaniya kahit nandoon naman si Regina. So please, let's go back now,” I told him. I just want to slap myself for stuttering!

Hindi siya umimik nang ilang sandali. Pero maya-maya tumango siya. “Sige. Babalik tayo..”

Before he even turn around again, I saw a little smile on his lips. Hindi ko na lang pinagtuonan ng pansin. Maraming tumatakbo sa isip ko ngayon. I honestly don't know myself anymore. Marami akong nagawa these past few weeks na hindi ko akalaing magagawa ko pala.

I even fought for Yves' job! I became war freak because of the incident last time!

At hindi ko maiwasang aminin sa sarili ko na kahit papaano.. kahit sandali lang ako nag-stay kina Yves.. napalapit na rin ako sa kanila.

Especially of course to his Lola that treats me like her own granddaughter. I will never forget how she treats me. I will never forget her kindness towards me.

Napatingin ulit ako sa likuran ni Yves pagkatapos kong igala ang tingin sa dumidilim na paligid. Somehow, even with a short period of time, I felt his gentleness that he is showing me. Even if I'm also rude at him and I'm acting like a spoiled bad bitch, he has always been this gentle, calm and patient. But sometimes I know that I also annoy him same as how he annoys me.

But now.. somehow, I appreciate what he's doing to me. He's here beside me — to guide me because he knows that I'm not familiar here. Hindi niya ako hinayaang mag-isa kahit pwede naman niya akong hayaan na lang at alagaan na lang ang kaniyang Lola. Pero nandito pa rin siya.

Nandito pa rin si Yves kahit alam kong naiinis siya sa akin at sinasabi niyang maarte ako.

I only stopped from what I'm thinking when I realized that I'm now complimenting the guy in front of me.

Natigilan na lang ako nang may malaking alon ang humampas sa bangkang sinasakyan namin. I even saw how Yves moved closer to me.

“W-What's happening?” kinakabahang tanong ko sa kaniya.

“Malalakas ang alon. Mukhang may bagyo pa. Kumapit ka lang sa akin..”

Napalunok ako sa sinabi niya at sumunod na lang. I can't help but to feel more nervous because of the way he acts right now. He must be also anxious because of what just happened a while ago. Masyadong matataas ang mga alon. Good thing that we are now going back to Puricia Grittonia.

Nawala naman kahit papaano ang kaba ko nang maya-maya, tumigil ang pag-alon nang malakas pero nagsimula namang umulan. The wind is also blowing so hard that it makes me shiver. Nanlaki na lang ang mata ko nang may sumalubong sa aming sobrang taas na alon. I don't know what happened anymore after that. The only thing that I know before that is Yves held my hands tightly as I closed my both eyes intently.

. . .

Before I open my eyes fully, the sound of the waves caught my attention. Nang maidilat ko naman nang tuluyan ang mga mata, bumungad sa akin ang maliwanag na sikat ng araw.

I moved my body a bit only to realize that I'm lying on the sand. I also felt the pain on my back and some parts of my body. Hinihingal din ako saka maya-maya napaubo ng tubig. My head hurts when I suddenly remembered what happened. Kaagad namang hinanap ng mga mata ko si Yves. Nagkalat ang dalawang sagwan sa iba't-ibang parte ng dalampasigan. May iilang kahoy rin sa tabi ko.

“Yves,” I called him out with a low voice. I'm too weak to maximize my voice.

Ramdam na ramdam ko ngayon ang pagod, uhaw, gutom at sakit. I'm not also sure that we're now in Puricia Grittonia. I'm somehow worried about Yves. I haven't seen him yet.

Nag-umpisa akong maglakad para hanapin siya. Hindi rin naman ako makakauwi kung wala ang lalaking iyon. Ilang minuto na akong naglalakad pero wala akong nakakasalubong o nakikita man lang na tao sa paligid ko.

I tried to shout his name but it was no avail. I didn't hear any response from him. Mainit ang sikat ng araw kaya nahihirapan akong maglakad. I decided to rest for a while inside the cave when I found one. The coldness of every corners of the cave seemed to welcome me when I entered.

Nagulat naman ako nang biglang madulas dahil sa tubig na hindi ko napansing umaagos pala galing sa loob. I quickly stood up only to see a body lying on the edge of the cave. Tatakbo na sana ako palabas dahil sa takot pero kaagad kong nakilala na si Yves iyon.

“Yves!” I ran towards him.

Namilog naman ang mata ko nang mapansing may kaunting dugo sa noo niya. I immediately panicked. I didn't know what to do so I just tried to wake him up.

I shook his shoulders using my both hands. I also slapped his face gently but he still didn't wake up. Does he need CPR?

Tinitigan ko ang labi niyang tikom na tikom at namumutla. I closed my eyes intently as I fastly came closer to him to give him a CPR. But before I even land my lips on him — my eyes widened when he suddenly opened his eyes.

“A-Alindra.. anong---”

He didn't finish his sentence because of his cough. May kasama pang tubig iyon katulad ng nangyari kanina. Nahihiya ako na nakita niyang ganoon ang gagawin kanina! Maybe he's thinking that I want to kiss him even if I don't want to!

“Bakit.. ka nandito? I mean, how did you get here inside this cave? The waves pushed you this far?” tanong ko nang medyo kumalma na siya.

Nakita ko namang umiling siya. “Hinahanap kita kanina nang magising ako. Pumasok ako rito dahil akala ko nandito ka. Hindi ko namalayan, nahimatay ako..”

I don't know what to say after that. Umiwas na lang ako ng tingin. A moment of silence surrounds the both of us. The only thing that I'm hearing right now is the sound of waves and distinct thunder.

“What should we do right now, Yves? Mukhang hindi 'to ang Puricia Grittonia,” nag-aalala kong sabi sa kaniya. “Pa'no ang lola mo? Pa'no tayo makakauwi?”

“Wala tayong magagawa sa ngayon kung hindi maghintay. May bagyo. We're stuck in here. Hindi naman tayo pwedeng bumiyahe nang ganito ang panahon. Mas lalo tayong mapapahamak,” sabi niya na nakaupo na ngayon sa isang bato malapit sa malaking rock formation.

Hinihipan ng malakas na hangin ang buhok niya. He's not looking at me. Kitang-kita ko ang frustration sa kaniya. He must be really really worried about his grandma's condition especially that he left her and that's only because of me.

“I'm sorry kasalanan ko. Kung hindi naman dahil sa pride ko, wala tayo rito ngayon. We won't be trapped. K-Kung hindi lang ako nag-inarte, okay pa sana! Damn it!”

I'm also worried about Lola! I'm now guilty because of what happened! Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari 'to, I should have just stayed in Puricia Grittonia! Hindi sana ako susundan ni Yves!

“Kasalanan mo bang may bagyo?”

My forehead creased when I saw a grin on his face. “That's not what I mean! Look, I'm sorry. I didn't---”

“Nakita mo.. ang mommy mo na may kasamang ibang lalaki, tama? Kaya ka umalis sa bahay niyo? Kaya sinubukan mong umalis sa Grittonia dahil do'n, 'di ba?”

Hindi na ako nagulat sa sinabi niya. Mas natawa ako.

“Ngayon mo lang nalaman ‘yan? I already told you about it before,” nangingising sabi ko.

“Akala ko boyfriend mo ang tinutukoy mo. Hindi ko alam na mommy mo pala.” Napayuko ako habang nakikinig sa kaniya. “Nakita mo sila pero bakit ka tumakbo? Alam mo sa sarili mong hindi naman ikaw ang may kasalanan pero bakit ikaw pa mismo ang tumakas? Hindi ka man lang nag-abalang magtanong..”

“You don't understand. Nasa gitna ako ng galit at lungkot kay Mom! Galit kasi ginawa niya 'yon! Lungkot dahil sinira niya ang pamilya namin! Sinasaktan niya kaming dalawa ni Dad! I didn't know what to do! The only thing that I know is to escape from them! Kasi wala naman din akong magagawa kung gusto niyang sirain ang pamilya namin!”

“May magagawa ka pa.” I looked at him when he said that. Tumaas naman ang kilay ko. “Ask her first. Confront her. Saka mo subukang ayusin ang problema. Hindi mo habang-buhay matatakasan ‘yan. At habang mas tumatagal ang pagtakas mo, mas lalo mong mararamdaman ang sakit dahil sa problema mo."

“Why would I even fix it? Mom ruined our family! She should do that herself!”

“Hindi ka ba makikinabang kapag inayos mo ang sarili niyong problema? Hindi ba ayon ang gusto mo? Ang magkaayos kayo?”

Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. His words hit me. He has a point but Mom should also fix the mess that she did! Hindi dapat ako mismo!

Tumayo ako saka dinampot ang maliit na bato. I forcefully threw it to the sea and screamed, “I hate you, Mom! You ruined our family! You ruined everything!”

I repeatedly said how I hate her very much for making a sin. I didn't expect that she could actually do that. Ang lahat ng hinanakit at lungkot na naipon simula nang malaman ko ang ginagawa niya, binuhos ko lahat ng iyon ngayon! I screamed at the top of my lungs. I'm almost crying blood because of so much pain.

Hindi ko inaakalang mangyayari sa amin ito! At ako ngayon ang pinakanaaapektuhan dahil sa kasalanang ginawa ni Mom!

“I hate you!” I said once again as I slowly bend my knees and hugged myself while crying.

Kumulog at humangin nang malakas. It seems like they pity me for being emotional like this.

“Pagkatapos ng bagyo, uuwi kaagad tayo. Haharapin natin ang problema mo. 'Wag ka na ulit tumakas,” I heard him spoke behind me.

Umiling-iling ako. “N-No. I don't want to. Ayaw ko nang makita si Mom---”

“Kasama mo ako, Alindra. Maaayos din ‘yan...”

I didn't know what happened when he said that. I just nodded and agreed with him. His words are very comforting. Kahit papaano ay gumaan ang loob ko. Like there's something on his words that made me feel at least better now even if he didn't hug me or offer his shoulders to me.

Namalayan ko na lang na sumusunod na ako kay Yves nang hilain niya ako papasok sa kweba nang biglang bumuhos ang ulan.

. . .

I don't know if I slept or I just took a nap. Nagising na lang akong malakas pa rin ang buhos ng ulan. I thought I'm lying on the cave's floor but I'm wrong. I'm surprised when I realized that I'm resting on Yves' shoulders. I noticed too that there are still traces of tears on my face.

“W-What happened?”

Kaagad akong tumayo. Nakapikit din pala siya kanina at mukhang galing sa tulog. I became suddenly conscious about my appearance right now especially that I just woke up.

“Nakatulog ka. Nanaginip ka.. umiiyak. Tinatawag mo ang Mommy mo.”

I looked away when he told me that. I quickly wiped the traces of tears that are now drying up. I don't clearly remember what happened on my dream. Kung hindi pa nga sinabi iyon ni Yves, hindi ko pa malalaman. Pero umiyak ako at may bakas pa ng luha sa mukha. For sure that it's a bad dream. He even said that I'm calling out my mother.

Nainggjt ako nang makita ang kabuoan ni Yves nang tumayo siya. He's still looking fresh even when he's stressed and just came from a nap. Maayos pa ring nakasuot sa kaniya ang isang puting sleeveless shirt na ngayon ay natuyo na. Unfair!

Wait.. am I even complimenting him?

Natigil ang pag-iisip ko nang mapansin ko ang isang bonfire na halos katabi ko lang. It made me somehow feel better and warm. Halatang ginawa iyon ni Yves kanina habang tulog ako.

“Kumain ka na.” Nilingon ko si Yves nang magsalita siya. “Pasensya na. Saging lang ang nahanap ko. Hindi ako makasisid sa lakas ng ulan..”

I just nodded and took the banana that he is offering me. Tahimik kaming kumakain. I'm just staring at the moving fire that is now in front of me. Yves is on my left side, also quiet at this moment.

Kung gaano kami katahimik dalawa, ganoon naman kalakas ang ingay ng ulan sa labas ng kweba.

“I'm really worried about your Lola,” I decided to talk after a few moments.

Tumikhim naman siya. “Ako rin. Pero may tiwala naman ako kay Regina. Hindi naman siguro niya pababayaan si Lola..”

I saw on my peripheral vision that he's looking at me while he's saying that. Nanatili naman akong nakatitig sa apoy.

“You trust her that much huh?”

“Oo. Matagal na kaming magkakilala ni Regina----”

“At imposibleng wala kang nararamdaman para sa kaniya.” This time, I looked at his eyes directly. “Ikaw na mismo ang nagsabi last time. It's hard to not fall in love with the person that you've known for a long time. And for sure, you're referring to Regina when you told me that.”

Tumayo naman siya bigla saka inihagis sa kung saan ang hawak na bato. Napailing na lang ako.

“Kahit gusto ko man siya o may nararamdaman ako sa kaniya, hindi ko gugustuhing magkaro'n kami ng relasyon na dalawa. Sapat na sa akin na malapit siya sa akin bilang kaibigan. I'm grateful for that. Hindi na ako hihiling pa ng higit pa roon.”

I smirked and laughed after I heard that from him. “It's funny that the both of you said almost the same. It seems like you're just hiding and holding back your feelings. Sa anong dahilan, Yves? Gusto ko ring malaman..”

”Priority ko si Lola, hindi ang iba. O ang sarili kong kaligayahan. Aalagaan ko siya hangga't nabubuhay ako,” sabi niya pa habang nakatalikod sa akin. “Hindi ako interesado sa pakikipagrelasyon sa ngayon. Ang pag-ibig para sa akin ay hindi pinipilit, Alindra. Kusa 'tong dumarating...”

He turned around to face me. Bumungad sa akin ang seryoso niyang mga mata.

“Hindi mo naman kailangang ipilit kung sa una pa lang may nararamdaman ka na sa kaniya,” I told him while smirking a bit.

He didn't answer me anymore. He just turned his back to me again. I stood up beside him to look at the horizon. Parang naging malabo ang buong paligid dahil sa ulan at malakas na hangin.

I don't know what's going on. I just felt like there's something wrong inside my chest. Parang kinukurot iyon habang mabilis na tumitibok ang puso ko.

“Sige, papayag na ako sa gusto mo,” sabi ko sa kaniya. Napatingin naman kaagad siya sa akin. “Once we go back, I'll face my Mom and my problems. But in return, you'll also face your feelings for Regina. You should fight for it before it fades away..”

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin. Hindi ko na ginusto pang pakinggan ang sagot ni Yves. I just tightly closed my eyes to calm my mind and my pounding heart.

I just wish that for every blow of the wind, it will take this messed up feelings away.

The feelings that I don't want to feel.. the feelings that I don't want to recognize.

... ... ...