Spring break is over and I have to go to my classes or I won't pass since they ask for 75% attendance and I missed a lot of days.

My mom and I haven't talked since our argument when I told her I'd choose Derek over her.

It's not that I would choose him over my mother, it's the fact that she could ever ask such a thing from me. It's toxic and cruel.

I haven't moved back to campus yet but I will move these days when I figure out things with my mother.

I don't want to ask Dominic or Irène to take me to class. Everything is so uncomfortable between us. And Nicole is already on campus and to be fully honest, I'm slightly upset she told my business to all of them. I feel betrayed. It wasn't her story to tell, I only told my mom, Derek and Nicole, and I regret telling them so much.

I'm tired of being looked at as if I'm broken. They are trying to protect me but I only feel suffocated.

I walk to the kitchen to ask my mom something, since she is still home from work but she will start her job as soon as I go back to campus.

"Mom, can I take your car? I'll be back in three hours," I say.

This is the first time we talk in days.

"Do you want me to give you a ride?" she asks worried.

I roll my eyes. "I want some space."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea... you just had a car accident two weeks ago."

"It's not the car you should worry about," I reply annoyed.

She sighs as she hands me her car key.

"Can't you call Dominic or Nicole?" she asks as she stares at her keys in my hand.

"I'm late and they are already on campus," I answer with sincerity.

"Take care," she says as I walk away and slam the main door.

It's windy, I'm not throwing a tantrum... but it seems like this to her.

I go to my mom's car and I sit in the driver's seat which is a bit too tall for me so I adjust it.

I've never driven bigger cars.

I put the seatbelt on and I get a random flashback to when I was running from my rapist and didn't even remember to put the seatbelt. I didn't care, actually.

Now I regret it, my head wouldn't have been as wounded as it was without a seatbelt on. I got very lucky, regardless.

I try to drive slowly since I didn't get out of the hospital too long ago. I'm still a bit shaken up. Maybe I really shouldn't drive...

If I don't drive a bit faster I won't be there in time. I'm just not a morning person anymore, old Veronica would have been there four hours earlier.

Thirty minutes later and I'm still not that close. The traffic today is overwhelming.

I stop at the traffic light and I take out my phone for a second to look at the notifications. Nothing.

When I look up, I spot a man standing in front of the car, staring at me. He starts running towards my car and I panic.

Him.

I start breathing shallow and I close my eyes for a second, refusing to believe it.

I turn the wheel to the right, as I'm about to hit the gas pedal I notice that there are other cars and I was about to hit them.

I look in front of me again and the man monster disappeared.

It wasn't real... oh my God, I keep having these hallucinations that are going to kill me.

The traffic light is green and everyone starts honking at me to move. My hands are shaking on the steering wheel as I slowly hit the gas pedal with my foot trembling on it. The car moves abruptly.

People keep honking at me and I panic even more but I manage to keep driving.

I drive faster until I reach a random parking spot and I struggle to park. My heart is jumping through my chest and I know I will have a panic attack.

It wasn't real. I took my medicine, why the fuck does this still happen? I'm not able to drive, I'm not able to do anything.

He didn't only take my innocence, he took away everything from me, everything a human can do, I can't, I can't function like every other person.

I try to breathe in but the tears just come out. I turn off the engine and I put my head on the steering wheel while sobbing.

I keep wiping away my tears with my sleeve but more and more are coming.

"I just want to be normal," I yell frustrated at my inability to be different, stronger.

I'm already late for my class, I'm failing school and living is painful. I can't imagine a future for myself.

If you asked me where I would be in five years, I'd honestly answer dead.

I pick up my phone and I call my emergency contact without thinking twice.

"Veronica?" Derek answers worried.

"D- Derek," I try not to cry but I can't stop myself.

"What happened? Are you okay?!" he asks, his voice going even deeper when he is preoccupied.

"I'm so fucking stupid," I whimper as I stop wiping away my tears and just let my face flood with them.

At least I didn't put on mascara.

"Where are you?!" he asks again.

"I was going to class and I- I wanted to drive but I-" I start sobbing harder. I'm so pathetic. I can't even explain what happened.

I'm so fucking useless.

"Where are you right now?"

I look at the street. "Ave street 244, in Atlanta. There is a insurance agency in f- front of where I parked," I stutter.

"Hey, take a deep breath," he says and I try to listen to him but fail.

"I'll be there soon. I'm not far," Derek adds reassuringly.

I nod, not realizing he can't see me.

I wipe away my tears and I try to breathe in slowly and steadily.

"Are you still there?" he asks as he notices I'm not replying.

"Yes."

"Okay, I found my keys, I'll be there in ten minutes. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?"

I don't want him to drive and be on phone... but I also need to hear his voice to calm down.

"It's okay," I lie. "I'll wait for you here."

And with that I hang up.

I can't believe I proved him once again how helpless and idiotic I am. Crying like that on phone... calling out for his help again. I said I wanted to be alone but I keep proving that I need him more than anything.

The worst part?

I really do need him.

His voice calmed me down. It's stupid, I know. He can't take away my trauma but knowing that he is there for me helps immensely.

He is my safe place.

Twenty minutes pass before I know it and Derek slightly knocks on my car window and I open the door. He gets into the passenger side.

He parked his car on the other side.

My tears are already dried up but my eyes are still red and puffy.

"Thank your for coming," I say ashamed as I look down.

He shrugs as if it's not a big deal.

Is hugging him right? Is it too much? Does he want to hug me?

Because I want to hug him.

"I'll drive," he says as he gets out of the car and I do the same.

"I have to take my mom's car back home within three hours."

"Don't worry, I'll leave my car here and we can go with your mother's car," he suggests and I nod.

He is a careful driver, I'm sure my mom won't mind. Hopefully she doesn't notice when we get home that I am with him.

Before I open the passenger door again, he gently grabs my hand.

I look into his eyes for a few seconds before he pulls me in for a hug.

I close my eyes for a second as his warm touch floods all my senses. The wind is blowing through my hair and it would be so cold outside.

"Derek," I break the hug. I've never been more honest but now it doesn't matter anymore. He is still here after seeing how pathetic I am. "I don't think I'll ever be okay," I look at his blue eyes waiting for any reaction, maybe secretly hoping he would reject me so I can have less reasons to live for.

He lifts up my chin. "Who is okay?" he smiles. "No one really is. We are all just an insecure mess trying to figure out where we are in life."

Some people seem to have their shit together... but I don't live their lives, maybe they are suffering in secret too.

"Do you think no one can really be happy?"

"No, I think people can be happy but it takes time to find happiness in small things and push through even when it seems worthless," he says and I nod. This is a side of him I've never seen before. Derek always surprises me, there is always more to find out about him.

"Are you happy?" I ask with curiosity. I know he has no family and he will always be a felon in society's eyes, he seems lonely but very laid back.

"When I'm with you, yes."

Same. You have no idea.

Maybe it's wrong that we only find happiness through each other but I don't think I really care right now.

He lands a soft kiss on my forehead and I smile, still broken but a little bit less.

Derek switches places with me and he drives me to class, even though I'm still going to be ten minutes late.

"After all these years," I say remembering that I met him when I was sixteen. "we are still here."

"And I wouldn't want it any other way," Derek replies.