"Last week we got to know each other a bit, but since it's your last day therapy session here, I'll take notes today," Josephine explains as I make myself comfortable in her soft leather chair.

"How are you?" she asks as she opens the notebook and writes down the date.

"Are you going to write how I am there?" I ask amused. If I say I'm feeling shitty, will she use the exact same vocabulary?

"Yes. I will try to analyze how you are feeling during every session before and after to compare and decide whether it's working or not."

Hmm, fair.

"I am... I don't know," I mutter. "Just lost. I want to go back to campus and pretend nothing happened."

"Is this your usual approach? To pretend nothing happened until you have a breakdown?" she asks with no judgement, just to confirm what I said.

I nod.

"Okay, so, did you do the assignment I asked you to?"

"Am I going to get detention?" I joke. I already have school homework here. I also have to study a lot for the next exams.

She laughs. She is probably used to to her patients resisting.

"I couldn't find anything I liked about myself," I admit. I truly don't know one thing I like about myself, let alone five.

She hums. "What is one compliment you always receive?"

Derek complimented me the most in my whole life. I remember when we were dating and I was staying over at his apartment and tried to hide it from my mom and he would wake me up with kisses and tell me I'm beautiful. For a second I believed that I was actually beautiful.

That reality shattered very quickly.

He also told me I have nice boobs but I know he lied because they are small.

I laugh at my thought.

"Someone said that I'm beautiful and have nice boobs," I try to stay serious but I chuckle and Josephine laughs.

"Okay, I won't write the second thing down," we laugh.

"Do you struggle with intimacy?" she asks changing the subject. Phew, I didn't know what other three things to like about myself.

But this isn't an easier subject either.

"I don't struggle with sex, especially while drunk. I struggle with people loving me," I admit surprised that I just said this out loud. She is just too good.

"Why do you think you don't deserve love?"

That's the hard question... it feels hard to even think about the answer even though I know it.

When I stayed over at Derek's hotel because of Alexander he told me something I will never forget. He said, "are you more ready now than you were before?" Referring to me wanting him back but not being ready. I only chased him because he didn't want me but once I had him, I left.

I love him but the moment he loved me back I thought I didn't deserve it. How can someone love me? Do they have poor taste? Are they blind? They will leave once they realize there is nothing to love.

"My trauma ruined me. It destroyed my whole personality. I'm not the same girl I was three years ago, not even one single good quality. I only have more flaws. I'm disrespectful, inconsiderate, impulsive, stupid, worthless. Why would someone love me when I don't love myself?"

She writes down some of the things I said which I don't know if I like very much...

"You are worthy of love even if you don't love yourself. You don't have to do anything to be worthy of love," she says and my mouth's agape.

"Whether you love yourself or not, it doesn't change that the other person can see the qualities you don't see. It's their decision. It's up to them," she says and I'm still shocked. How did I not realize this? It's just so simple.

I wanted to dictate how Derek and everyone else felt because I thought I didn't deserve it... but it was never up to me. They can love me even if I don't think I deserve it.

"Let's finish the assignment. Tell me three other things people complimented you on," she said changing the subject strategically. I realize she never changes subjects without purpose. That's why she gave me the assignment.

"My eyes," I say decisively. It's the thing I heard the most.

"My body," I continue but she doesn't seem happy with what I'm listing.

"My smile."

"Do you realize you only listed physical things?" She asks and I nod. "When is the last time someone complimented something about your personality and attributes?"

I shake my head. I genuinely don't remember. I'm sure Derek did it but I don't remember it because I completely block out these kind of compliments. They feel fake.

After we finish talking about random stuff and putting the failed assignment to the side. She stands up offering to give me a short hug.

"I hope to hear from you again. If it's a money problem, please, don't worry, we can find a way," she says and I think whether I should come back or no. "You deserve help, Veronica," she says and I nod, trying to not sob.

"See you next time, Mrs. Smith," I say swallowing my tears.

I know I won't come back.

~

I walk back to my hospital room with the help of a nurse, yes, they follow me everywhere.

Tomorrow I'm going to be free, finally!
The pills helped a lot with the nightmares and hallucinations but I still have to take them and be closely monitored since I might have panic attacks and breakdowns. They recommended that I leave the campus and stay at home with my mom or another person, in case my mom works.

I didn't think I'd go home this soon but we don't have a better alternative.

My mom even agreed to take a week off her work but we need the money and I don't want to be an inconvenience. I personally think the dormitory is a better idea since I'm never alone and we have a counselor on campus.

When I enter my room, I spot Nicole sitting on my bed. Even the nurse is surprised.

"They shouldn't let you in before the patient accepts," the nurse scolds Nicole.

"Sorry, the doctor said it was okay for me to wait here," Nicole replies shyly.

The nurse helps me lay on the bed but I'm genuinely feeling better, at least physically. It's the perfusion that annoys me.

She soon leaves us alone and Nicole sips on her Starbucks cup of caramel macchiato.

"Sorry, you wanted one?" she asks and I shrug.

"I wanted to see how you are doing... since you know, we didn't talk at all," she says awkwardly and I nod.

I have to tell her everything and I didn't expect it this soon... I wanted to tell her the truth about Cyprian when we would have gone back to the dorm or at least at home.

"I'm okay. I try to be," I say honestly. "The pills keep me normal."

The doctor knew about my previous addiction so they were careful with the pills they prescribed.

"I can't believe how horrible I was to you while you were going through that..." she says and I shrug.

"You had your own problems, Nicole. You weren't doing okay either. You were in an abusive relationship with James and had a shitty mother," I say.

"I don't think it can excuse what I did to you... you defended me from James so many times and God- he forced himself on you."

It was just a kiss, not that it makes it better but at the time... I had other problems that kept me up at night.

"We became friends again, that's what matters," I comfort her.

"Promise me you are going to fight and report him," she says and I shake my head.

"I just want to live a normal life."

"Veronica, listen, there is no choice. This pedophile isn't only doing this to you. You have to report him, and if you can't do it for yourself, then do it for the other victims," she says assertively.

I want to listen to her, I really do. I understand what she is saying and hell, I don't wish this on my worst enemy but I don't have the capacity to find this dude... to identify him, to testify and be accused of being a liar, to retell every single detail.

Frankly, I'd rather kill myself.

"I need time. I will report him and help them find him but I need some time," I say, slightly upset she is forcing me to do something I'm not ready to do.

But I will do it for the other victims.

I'm still on pills, my memories are hazy and I have constant breakdowns. Once this fight starts, I need to have my mind clear because I know sexual abuse victims almost always lose.

For us it's never a win.

"I have to tell you something else," I say, numb and lost because of this conversation.

Everyone is pushing me to fight but what is so wrong with giving up? I'm tired and I just want to be okay.

Nicole seems worried. "What?"

"You saw the dorm, right?" I ask and she nods scared.

"I left so hurriedly because something happened. I wasn't supposed to go home," I say and she waits for me to continue. "When I went back to our room, I saw Cyprian looking through my stuff," I say and she widens her eyes.

"No... why?" she asks scared.

"Has he contacted you?" I ask her.

"I haven't talked to him since then. He just disappeared but I assumed he went home for spring break and maybe his phone didn't work. It's barely been a week," she explains.

"He told me he was sure I was his twin sister," I say and she gasps.

She doesn't say anything for a few moments.

"Wow."

"And he only came here for me. He just wanted to find out if I was his lost twin. That's why he got close to you," I continue and she looks down, finally realizing that this is the bad part.

"Oh," her voice shakes. "I wouldn't have h- had any problem with him asking me about you if knew the truth but he doesn't really like me, does he?"

"He said he was sorry for hurting you. That's it," I say honestly as I clasp her hand and try to comfort her.

"It's o- okay," she says as she blinks away the tears.

"I know it's not," I retort as I pull her in for a hug.

"I truly thought I found something good. I really started to like him these past three months," she whimpers in my arms.

"It w- was all a lie," she says through tears.