I'm turning nineteen years old today and I don't care about it. Not as much as I wished I would.

I haven't heard from Derek since our last fight. Irène told me she wasn't with him but I don't believe her—neither does Shanice—which made their fight worse.

I put on heels and a short dark blue dress.

Everything is going to shit. I haven't tried contacting him again because he made it clear he is tired of my games, if I don't give him an answer, he doesn't want to hear anything else.

But it still hurts. I miss him, and I try to keep myself busy. My exams are in two months and I am trying to study but I have so much on my plate. I know I have to report my rapist next week. I promised I would.

I grab the purse and I fix my hair in the mirror. I've been in this hotel for almost a week now, I'm going to have to work over shifts to pay Nicole back.

I didn't know where to go. I gave the key back to Derek and he hasn't contacted me.

Dominic told me he is fine... so I guess he moved on, or at least—rightfully—trying to.

Before I leave, I say 'I love you' to myself in the mirror. I force a smile and I try to be positive I'll enjoy tonight.

It's my birthday after all.

Dominic is waiting for me in the lobby.

He makes me do a pirouette. "Wow, you look great. It's been a while."

I nudge his shoulder. "Rude."

"You are always cute but tight dresses fit you better."

"Dude, you are a creep," I say but I don't mean it. It's just the way we joke.

"I will stop before Derek beats me up," he teases me as we leave the lobby and go to his car.

I sigh. Not that Derek would care much.

"Happy birthday, by the way," he says and I thank him.

"Is he coming too?" My voice betrays me. Of course I want Derek to come to my birthday party.

I touch the necklace he gave me on my 17th birthday. I still wear it everyday.

"No," he replies a bit too fast for my liking. As if it's a given he wouldn't come.

"Why?"

He shifts awkwardly as we both bulk our seatbelts.

"He is... busy."

"With what?"

"Don't act jelly." He tries to lighten up the mood but it's not even about that. Both Derek and Irène were unreachable for a few days and they are super secretive lately.

I don't want to think anything bad... I know they wouldn't do this to me but if it's not this... it's something worse. Something dangerous.

Irène is only implicated when something goes down.

I hate to admit I won't enjoy my party. I feel like I have more to talk about with Derek and I don't want to act like it doesn't matter.

We reach Shanice's house and she greets me with a hug and wishes me 'happy birthday'. Dominic just brings in two bags of alcohol and god knows what else.

I can't even drink alcohol since my doctor told me it's not safe. It's going to be so boring.

The party is just starting, people are still coming. I scan the room when I finally see Nicole and I begin walking toward her.

Only... that she is already with someone.

She is talking to Cyprian.

"Why the hell is he here?"

"Well... he is still transferring to this college next year so I guess he wants to come to parties," Dominic replies.

"What?! He said he'd leave!" I yell. "Plus this is my party..."

Shanice and Dominic both shrug. Right, I'm acting irrationally. He has every right to be here bla bla, but I don't want him near Nicole. He used her and she forgives too easily.

I glance at her and she is already laughing with him. I sigh disappointed. Should I talk to him or just let her do whatever she wants?

If he hurts her again, I will massacre him.

Nicole finally sees me and comes to me.

"Happy birthday, I love you sooo much," she says as she wraps her arms around me so tight I can't breathe.

I wish I could say those words as easily as she does. She loves like she's never been hurt.

Despite her kindness, I know one day she will find someone who will appreciate her. She deserves the best in life.

"Cyprian is here, by the way," she says and I nod.

"I saw him."

"I invited him..." she admits and my eyes widen.

"Why?"

"Because... we are trying to make it work again."

I sigh. Whatever.

"Okay. You decide what's best for you," I reply.

"Thank you for understanding," she says gingerly. "Really."

Let's see if therapy works...

"I really l- love you too, Nicole," I stutter slightly but I still manage to say the phrase. I figured it's harder to say it to Derek than it is to say it to a friend, but it's still a small step in the right direction and Nicole's surprise confirms that.

She smiles and her eyes seem to get wet for a few seconds but she composes herself again.

When I look at her now, I realize we are both a little broken but being in this together alleviates our pain.

"I know you don't drink so I bought orange juice," she jokes.

"Uhm, can I take back what I said?"

We both break out into a laugh, covered by the loud music Dominic chose.

She did indeed buy orange juice and that's what I'm drinking right now. Not the worst choice but other people are eyeing me weirdly.

"We haven't gossiped in a while but did you know Antonia took a gap year because apparently she got pregnant?"

I nearly spit out the juice.

"What?!"

"Yes! I swear to god. I saw her pictures on Instagram, she has a big belly."

"Oh my god... who is the dad?"

Then I remember Derek had sex with her... but it couldn't be... it just can't be even though the timing makes sense. She slept with a lot of guys, though.

"I have no idea. I'll try to find out."

She notices my disgusted expression.

"Oh, right, Derek... why the hell did he have sex with her?" she asks and I shrug.

Casual sex, I guess. I can't even blame him considering I've done so many of those things. It's always a regret, though.

"He used condoms," I say.

"Maybe she poked holes into it. She was crazy about him."

"Stop scaring me, god, you are horrible!"

She laughs. "Sorry! Ok, I'll go to Cyprian now. I will see you in a bit."

I nod and I walk to the hallway, I stop when I see Dominic.

As I'm about to call his name, he says something on the phone.

"Did you check the website I sent you?" his voice is cold and hurried.

What is he talking about?

"Yeah? Keep looking. I know we are close."

I walk up to him. "What are you talking about?" I ask and he jumps and turns off the call.

"Uh... nothing. Don't worry. None of your business."

I eye him suspiciously but I decide to let it slide. He is right, it's none of my business, especially eavesdropping like that.

"Let's drink!" he says but then notices the orange juice glass in my hand.

"God, what is wrong with you."

I laugh, although I shouldn't. He may be encouraging me to drink too much. I'm starting to think he is a bad influence.

I decide to leave him to his business and I go to the living room, I try to talk to random people from college but I feel empty and alone. Cyprian is dancing with Nicole and he hasn't disturbed me at all, which I appreciate.

After one hour of dancing and drinking water, orange juice, and several bathroom breaks, I spot Irène talking to Shanice.

They seem to be in the middle of a heated argument, so since I'm bored at my own party I decide to go to them.

Irène sits up from the couch and puts her purse on the table. Shanice drinks more alcohol to try to keep up with her.

"You've been distant lately. Just fucking tell me why?" Shanice asks and Irène doesn't even know what to lie anymore as she grabs a bottle of vodka and chugs it down.

She's been drinking so much lately. Now I know what everyone felt when I was ruining myself.

Irène leaves for a second with the bottle and Shanice follows after her.

I shouldn't think about what I'm thinking... it's an invasion of privacy.

I hate myself. I sit on the couch near Irène's purse and I look through it. I find her phone and put a pin code I accidentally saw her use a few times.

I look around to see if someone saw me and if they are near. No one is looking at me but my heart is still racing.

Irène's wallpaper is of her kissing Shanice. Cute.

I immediately go to the last calls.

Just as I suspected. Derek had talked to her right after our fight.

Then he called her again everyday and they talked for two or three minutes each time. A few of the calls were from Shanice and one from Dominic.

This doesn't mean anything. Of course they are allowed to talk but it's weird they both didn't have signal right then for a few days.

Derek doesn't like her—or so I think—and he would only call her if it's important. Maybe he talked about me?

Nah. Not everything is about me.

I snap out of my stupid thoughts and I click on the message app. I can't be this slow, they could come back anytime.

The last conversation is with Derek.

I frown as I scroll through the recent messages that were sent just two hours ago.

Derek: all for nothing

What does he mean?

Irène: we will keep trying, we are getting close

That's exactly what Dominic said. Was he talking to Irène or Derek? What are they getting close to?!

Then she texts him again thirty minutes later.

Irène: relax I have an idea

Then again one hour and half later, which was just a few minutes ago. Before she came here.

Irène: Derek? Is everything ok? Let it go for now

My heart keeps beating fast. Too fast. I close the recent apps I opened and put the phone back in the purse.

I hurriedly stand up and I walk towards the door, when Irène suddenly calls out my name.

"Sorry I ignored you." She pulls me in for a hug. "You know how Shanice is."

"It's fine."

They are hiding something from me.

But why? Why don't people trust me? I'm always left out of everything they do. And now I'm sure Dominic is into whatever they are doing.

"Happy birthday, here is your gift," she says as she gives me an envelope.

I open it. She smiles as I pull out five hundred dollars. I sigh putting it back in.

"I'm sorry it's just too much."

"It's for your birthday, Ron, you turn 19 only once."

"Yeah-"

She cuts me off. "Take it. I know you are sleeping at the hotel. You will need it."

I nod, giving her a hug again but she cuts it short. She isn't very touchy, especially when others initiate it.

I want to ask her what she's been doing.

"You should go back to living with Derek."

"Huh?" They definitely talked about me. But it's weird coming from her considering she never liked him.

"It's better for you. How long can you live in a hotel and call cabs?"

"I don't know... I will see."

I do know. I can't go back there and pretend I didn't hurt him. It also hurts me.

But I'm going there now. I need answers and I'm scared he is doing something dangerous, even Irène was worried in those messages.

Once Irène leaves, I ask Shanice for her car since I'm sober and she willingly gives it to me.

"I will bring it back as soon as I can," I say but Shanice isn't listening much. She is already way too drunk and angry at Irène.

I shouldn't drive but right now I need to talk to him. I don't want us to end our fights like we used to.

I make sure no one sees me leaving and I hop in the car and drive off, leaving the birthday party my friends organized for me but don't seem to pay much attention to.