2nd April

Ah, finally got a chance to write.

As anticipated, this week had been really busy and I was rarely left alone. Mahir was constantly here, but during the little time he wasn't here, my in-laws were, and then there were the visitors. I don't really blame them. Maybe they think that I'd feel lonely so they give me company. It was fun actually. I got introduced to a lot of people, and to my surprise, there were a big amount of kids among my in-law's relatives, which made me really happy.

Mahir would get back to work after next week, just as my University opens, so I think everything would get back to normal then. We have one week to ourselves until then. Right now he went out with his friends and my in-laws are in the sitting room. After praying Asr* I got some time to myself, so here I am. I was going to update you on what happened after he came in on the night of my wedding, when I was interrupted, so I would do that now. I am not very good at narrating events though.

* * * * *

He closed the door, and turned to look at the me. This was the third time he was seeing me; like I said before, the first time was before the wedding when he came with his family to our house. But he lowered his gaze after a glance then; the second time was in the car on our way here to his house - our house now - and we barely talked then because someone else was present.

So this was the first time he was properly looking at me. Huh, he lowered his gaze now as well, even though he had every right to look at me now. I looked away too. Hm, looks like both of us are shy - I just couldn't figure out who is more. Anyway, he looked uncomfortable as slowly he walked towards me. I was standing as I just hid my journal and didn't get a chance to sit down before he walked in. He surprised me by putting a hand on my head but, after a moment of confusion, I realised he was reading a du'a. I quickly collected myself although my heartbeat was anything but. After reading the du'a, he went to sit at the end of the bed. Mastering all my courage I managed to smile at him and say "Hi", though I doubt he heard me. But this silence was deafening. A moment later I wanted to kick myself: why was I greeting him, for the first time today too, with a "hi"instead of a Salam?

He smiled back and as if on cue, he did what I stupidly forgot: "Assalamu'alaikum"
I felt slightly embarrassed as I replied, "Wa 'alaikum assalaam". I couldn't think of anything to say and I definitely couldn't just stare at him, so I looked down. I looked up at him when he called my name, which of course sent shivers down my body. This was the first time I heard him say my name, you should know what that can do to anyone.

As I was saying. When I looked at him, he said, "Why don't you sit," tilting his head towards the bed. I sat at the end the of the bed on his left. There was a few seconds of silence even though it felt longer. I knew I should speak, but I was having a hard time calming down my heart and moving my tongue. So it was a relief when I heard him speak: "How are you?" he asked. I don't know if he noticed my discomfort. Perhaps he was feeling similar.

"Alhamdulillah, I'm good." I answered in a low voice. I felt like I missed something. What is it? Oh, I should ask him back! "You?" I added quickly.

"Amazing, Alhamdulillah." He said, smiling, although still looking uncomfortable.

"You don't look like it," I pointed out.

"Really? What do I look like?" He asked, looking curious now.

How do I answer that? "Um...as if you'd be anywhere but here." I slipped before I could actually think about the answer.

"That's not true. My expression is deceiving you," he answered with a glint in his eyes. There was a moment of silence before he said, "Well you kinda look the same."
So he did notice my discomfort.

"That's probably because...I'm...uh... not very good at communicating...with people I don't know." I replied with great difficulty. This is the longest sentence I've said to him yet. "Especially with boys" I muttered quickly.

He chuckled at that. I winced as he put his left hand around me. He was touching me, for the first time! Even though I couldn't actually feel his skin due to my clothing, but still! My heart was beating even faster now, and my ears started ringing. I could faintly hear him say, "well, I'm not just any boy now, am I?"

I know I should answer him, but my tongue was refusing my command to speak. He noticed my silence and stiffness, and removed his hands.

Ugh, he misunderstood.

"Are you okay?" He asked with concern.

"Yeah yeah. I am just...shocked." I tried to explain.

"Shocked at what?"

"Being...touched". Stupid answer! But I didn't know what to say.

"Oh, sorry about that." He moved his hands back to his lap. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Ugh. Now I felt very bad. How do I explain that I didn't mind? That I wanted him to?

"No, you didn't. Sorry, I know I'm not making sense." I hesitated a second, fighting with my shyness. Then I forced myself to reach his hand and hold it. It felt victorious.

So that's the electricity that they talk about. Well, it's not electricity exactly, but it's a sense that I never felt before, and I don't think there was a word for it. It's a feeling that I longed for ever since I became a teenager. A guy who I would have never dreamed of touching yesterday, was now sitting next to me, and I was holding his hand without committing any sin. I think it's a thrill only girls who feared Allah and refrained themselves before marriage would feel.

Mahir looked at me intently. I had to look away, because I am never good at holding gaze. When I looked at him again, I found him smiling. His face was glowing. Suddenly I felt so happy and I beamed. We held that gaze for a while, with him grinning and me beaming, and then he started laughing, and so did I. We calmed down after about a minute; then we looked at each other and cracked again. I had no idea why we were laughing like a couple of insane people. That moment it felt like we were two teenagers, who had been best friends forever.

As we calmed down, he lied back on the bed and pulled me down with him as I was still holding his hand. We were left staring at the ceiling that was creamy white, unlike my pure white bedroom ceiling.

"So, what was that about?" He asked.

"I dunno." And I didn't have to. I was finally here, with my lawful partner, my husband. I have to get used to that word. I was so content at that moment, I kept thanking Allah SWT again and again, but still felt that it wasn't enough. Suddenly I remembered something.

"Hey, shall we pray two rakah nafil prayer?" I told him.

"Oh yeah. Let's do it." He said, bolting upright. He pulled me up in the process as well since our hands were still intertwined.

"Owww", I groaned dramatically even though I wasn't hurt that much. I had a tendency to exaggerate things with people close to me - playfully of course. 'People close to me'. I pondered over that thought. Was it possible that, this man, who was a stranger to me even a few hours ago was now so close to me that I had grown a sense of attachment? Indeed, when Allah blesses a relationship, you needn't worry about anything else.

I came back to the present when I heard his concerned voice: "Oh sorry! Did I hurt you?"

"No, It's okay." Apparently, even though I felt close to him, I wasn't confident enough to tease him around yet.

"I need to do wudhu. Do you want to go first?" He asked like a gentleman.

"No, I have wudhu. But thank you for the offer" I still had my wudhu from praying 'Isha**.

"Oh come on, you don't have to be so formal with me." He said softly, a smile lingering on his face.

I chuckled internally at that. 'Savour the moments while I'm still formal. My social manners would go out the window when I'm comfortable around you'. I thought all this to myself, of course. To him I just managed to say "It might take some getting used to".

We got ready and prayed, thanking Allah for all the happiness He has blessed us with. We could never thank him enough.

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*Asr: The afternoon prayer.

**'Isha: The night prayer.