Casper didn't come back home in the car with me, he said he needed time to be by himself for a while, get his head around everything. I understand why he needs time, but it hurts me that he doesn't want me to be with him. I want to comfort him somehow, even though I can't actually hug him like I want to.  Never in a million years had I expected to find his suicide note, but I guess I only know the Casper now, not the 'Alex' from before. 

My heart panged with sadness as I thought back to his photo in the hall, the boy full of life looks nothing like the one I know today. I want him to look like that again, but I know it's impossible.

All I can do is stay by his side, or him by mine while we go through life together. Maybe this is the reason he's been stuck with me, maybe I could bring that life back into his eyes, metaphorically of course. I can't bring people back from the dead, no matter how much I want to. 

It dawns on me then that if I could give something up for Casper to be alive again, I would, even if that meant I couldn't be with him. I would rather him be alive, have a life again, than be stuck here with me, watching me grow and change while he stays frozen in time, never moving forward.

And yet, he killed himself. How could I wish him to be alive again when his life made him end his? I couldn't do that to him. I can't imagine my life without him now.

When I got home, my mum was sat in the kitchen, stirring her coffee. "Hey you," she smiles at me.

"Hey, what you up to?" I ask, plopping down on the stool next to her.

"Not much, just thinking," she replies.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a while until I take in a breath, readying to speak. 

"Can I ask you a question, mum?" 

She looks up at me from stirring her coffee, her eyebrows slightly drawn together. "Sure Sweety."

"Did anything else happen in the accident?" Something flashes in her eyes, but as soon as it came, it was gone. 

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I feel like something else happened, something I can't remember and you aren't telling me. I sometimes wake up from nightmares about the crash, but once my eyes open, the dream fades away and I can't remember what happened. I'm just left with this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it scares me."

Her eyes had fallen back down to her coffee so she didn't have to meet my own as I spoke. I bob my head down a little, trying to catch her eye. 

"Mum?" Her unresponsive behavior scares me and I find myself getting anxious, my hands becoming clammy. 

She sighs to herself and brings her eyes to meet mine, her eyes glistening with the threat of spilling tears. My anxiousness nose dives and my breathing quickens. 

"Oh Honey, I don't know what to say." 

"Say what?"

She takes a deep breath before speaking. "When you had your accident, which wasn't your fault," she adds quickly, "the drunk driver came out of it with a few scratches, his bigger car protected him a lot more than your car. You came out of it pretty bad, as you know, you went into a coma like state and have amnesia, but..." She trails off, the tears jumping back into her eyes again. Her voice breaks as she says the next sentence, "but you weren't the only one who went into a coma because of the accident." 

I look up to her in confusion, what did she mean another coma, if the drunk guy came out of it fine, then who else was in the coma?

"Because of the drunk driver, when he hit your car, and it span out of control, your car-" she takes a deep breath again, looking deeply into my eyes, "your car hit someone." She spoke in a rush as if the words burnt her tongue. 

I stare at her for what felt like forever, my mind whirling around her words, not being able to make sense of them. 

"I- w-what? Some- someone else?" I stammer over my words, my body going numb with shock, or fear, I wasn't too sure.

My cheeks felt wet, so I brought my hand to my cheek, bringing my hands away to see they were damp with tears. 

"There was someone walking down the road you were on, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, Leah. This isn't your fault. You hear me?" Her eyes turn angry and she grabs my face between her warm hands that were wrapped around the coffee. "The fault is with that stupid drunk driver."

"I hit someone?" I breathe out, not realising I was holding my breath. 

My mum let go of my face, her hands falling down to rest on my lap, her eyes following.

"Yes." She says simply. "He's in a coma."

"What's his name?" 

"His name is Alex."

I felt like I had been submerged into freezing water. My whole body frozen, my breathing stopping. I couldn't move. My brain fought against the rushing water, trying to get to the surface to gasp for air, but no matter how much I struggled, I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into the depths below. The water rushing at my ears left me deaf, the darkness clouding my eyesight until finally I hit the bottom of wherever I was with a hard fall, my vision now black, the rushing sound now silent. Finally, my burning lungs got the air they needed, but my body lay still, unmoving and too hot, despite the numbness. 

* * *

Two days had passed since my mum told be the truth. Days that dragged on, with my anxiousness never leaving me. Keeping me from eating and sleeping. 

Casper hadn't returned to me. 

I searched my house over and over again after a few hours of him not returning. I couldn't sleep so I spent the time walking around town, using the street lights and moonlight to light my way. I called his name, loud enough for him to hear if he was nearby, but quiet enough that i didn't piss off any of my neighbours. 

Once the sun started to come up, I went home and showered, changing into some comfy clothes. Then I jumped in my car to head to his house. I pulled up slowly, gazing around the area trying to spot his dark hair and grey jumper, but I couldn't see him. Once his mother went to work, I once again climbed over the gate, using the bin and getting over more successfully than last time. I jumped down and smiled triumphantly, then realised Casper wasn't there to see my success. My smile fell and that dark cloud that had suddenly formed around me appeared again. 

I opened the back door which wasn't locked thankfully and snuck silently into the house. I glanced into every room, not really taking in what was in it only looking for his face. I searched everywhere, searched a long time in his room, trying to find something that might help me find him. But there was nothing.

The day passed slowly, but eventually the sun set. I laid awake in my bed all night, pulling on a loose thread on the sleeve of my jumper to keep me distracted. It didn't work. 

The morning came and my mum tried to make me breakfast. I grabbed a slice of toast, more to comfort her than to actually eat it. 

I left a few minutes after she left for work, dumping the nibbled piece of toast in the bin. I check my room one more time, expecting to see Casper sat on his chair, much like the time I had first met him. But once I open the door, my eyes flying over to the chair, he wasn't there.

That's when it hit me, he was gone. 

I slowly fell to the floor, my back sliding down the door frame, making it dig into my spine. I couldn't feel the pain though. Only the mental pain.

Tears fell freely, my mouth hanging open, no sound coming out. The air not filling my lungs. It felt like I sat like that for a long time until finally my eyes stung dry because I hadn't blinked. My lungs contacted with pain, aching to be filled with oxygen. I took a deep breath and blinked rapidly, bringing me back to reality, making the emotions hit me again. I curled up on the floor and cried for hours.

* * *

I was sat on the bridge, the one Casper and I sat on together at the start when we first met each other. As always, my legs dangled over the edge, the only difference now, I had a bottle of Jack in my hand. 

I had fallen asleep on the hard floor, my tears glueing my eyes together for a few seconds after I awoke.

With the emptiness still in me, I grabbed some money and headed to my local shop, grabbing a bottle of Jack Daniels and heading off to the place I felt most safe.

So here I am, the sting of whiskey burning my throat and sitting in my empty stomach, causing it to go straight to my head.

I felt so alone. I hadn't felt like this since my dad, and I couldn't bare it. At least now I was old enough to numb the pain so I could forget about it for a while. 

The cars blurred into one long line down the motorway, giving me something to stare at a while.

A quarter of the whiskey gone and my body felt like it could fly.

Fly. I wonder what Casper would have done to kill himself? Pills, razor, rope? Or would he have jumped?

I had no one left. My dad was gone, my best friend thought I was a joke. My mum only cared about me when it suited her, and now Casper was gone too.

I send everyone I care about away, or they stick around so much they start to hate me.

Maybe somehow Casper knows what I did to him. Maybe he hates me now.

I shuffle a bit closer to the edge of the wall, the coldness nipping at my bum.

I peer down to the busy road beneath, causing a wave of dizziness to hit me and make my eyes roll a little.

My hands instinctively grip the wall tight and my body flings itself away from the impending danger. I hit the cold cemented floor hard, landing awkwardly on my back and shoulder.

Even the alcohol couldn't stop the pain of this. My alcohol. Shit. In my dazed state I look around for my bottle, only to find it seeping onto the road and down the drain from the shades of broken bottle.

I inwardly groan, sending a shoot of pain into my shoulder and making my groan turn into a sharp intake of breath.

"Leah?"

That voice. His voice. I look up to the sky, imagining him in a sort of angelic form, looking down at me with hatred and disgust.

But his voice sounded too gentle.

He spoke my name again, giving my woozy head a chance to follow the sound. I turn my head slowly, making sure my movement didn't mess with my balance again.

"Casper?" My voice came out in a whisper, so small and quiet I'm sure he couldn't hear me.

"Leah." He had heard me, and his voice broke a little when he said my name for the third time. A new tenderness I had never heard in it before.

I scrambled up to stand, ignoring my bodies protest.

Once standing, new tears fill my eyes once his beautiful, familiar face came into focus.

Before I could even plan what to say, my mouth opens, and I say, "you're not dead."

Those words had been circling my mind, round and round. He wasn't dead. Casper wasn't dead.

"You didn't commit suicide, Casper. I hit you with my car, I put you in a coma. Casper- Casper you're alive."

He looks at me sadly, his hand reaching up slightly as if to stroke my cheek, but dropping back down to his side.

"I know, Leah."

_________

New update because I have no life apart from working so I write to give me something to do.

If everything stays on track with how I planned it, there should be two chapters left. I wanted this book to be relatively short, only 15 chapters.

I need to like mentally prepare myself for the next chapter, haven't even written it yet lol. I think you should do the same, emotions man...

Thanks for reading guys, you keep me writing :)