december 22nd, 2017.

so i want to share with you all a post that i made on my wall on december 22nd, 2017. that was maybe three or four days after jonghyun's passing. i wanted to write about it on here because i wanted to keep a permanent record and a memory of this happening.

"my mom asked me today why i've been looking so sad lately.

i told her about jonghyun. and i told her that i was very deeply saddened. that my heart was hurting. and i showed her that video i've had on replay since yesterday. the one where he (jonghyun) does a cover of alejandro sanz' song. she surprised me wen she said he was very talented and handsome and that it was a shame what happened to him. 

she also told me not to cry for him because he wouldn't want that. she said that every time i feel sad, to remember all the times he made me smile and to say a  little prayer for him so that his soul would rest easy. 

that made me feel so much better because i thought i would be alone with this. i thought she wouldn't understand.

i'm so grateful that my family has been there for me."

also, i want to mention that my mother is SUPER RELIGIOUS. super catholic. and as you know, or may know, catholics believe that people who commit suicide ultimately end up in hell because they have sinned against god, taking their life. 

i am catholic too, but i just don't believe that.

i believe god understands such pain and suffering and would never continue to punish the person by making them spend an eternity in hell. god is love, and though i think it is true that he punishes sometimes, i don't think this is something he would punish. i just don't see that happening. 

but anyway, my mother certainly thinks that way. she has mentioned before that people who commit suicide will end up in jail.

still, she NEVER ONCE told me that jonghyun would go to hell for what he did. instead, all she told me was that she hoped god would have mercy on his soul. to me that meant a lot because she didn't try to make my suffering for his loss greater than it was, even knowing what she knew about her beliefs.

so yeah, i love my mom.

-clary