one

i found out about it when i got home from work.

honestly, i am relieved that i found out when i did. i know that if i would have found out during my shift, i would have been a fucking mess. no one would have understood because at my job no one knows or likes kpop.

they would have thought i was dumb and would probably tell me to get over it. and that would have made me angry.

i also find it really strange that i found out when i did.

i had my lunch break around ten in the morning and people would have already been talking about it. then i had my last ten at around twelve. the news was all over twitter. and i was on twitter during both breaks and i didn't stumble into the news about him.

even in death, he is like an angel.

im very spiritual, and i believe that it was an angel that stopped me from running into that information during work hours.

so then i got home at two and i was scrolling through twitter.

and i saw in the "trending" section something that made my heart drop. "south korean boy band shinee lead singer passes away." and there was a picture of jonghyun. and i remember clicking on it with a wrung out heart. i wished so badly that it was a dumb joke, like how people spread lies on twitter about other people dying.

i wished so badly that everyone was wrong.

i wished that it was unconfirmed.

but i scrolled through the information and read that it was confirmed. jonghyun was gone. and that was where i started sobbing. 

so i left my bedroom crying and and i told my sister, crying, "jonghyun from shinee passed away."

my sister isn't really into kpop. she likes a few exo songs, but that's it. but she consoled me. she hugged me so tight and told me that it was okay to cry and feel sad for someone you love. i am so grateful that i did not have to suffer on my own. then she told me she read about it too earlier that day, but she thought it was some stupid twitter joke.

i went back to my room and continued crying for about an hour.

then i had a conversation with a few of my friends from here about it. they were so nice and were there for me.

i had to go to my company's christmas party last night. i almost didn't go, given the situation. but i forced myself to go because i had already promised to be there and i was giving my friend a ride.

but honestly, i spent most of the party sitting in a corner, looking at pictures of jonghyun.

its just a very sad time for everyone, and i hope everyone is okay.

lets be here for each other.

if any of you ever need to talk, i'm here. 

i personally have not suffered through something like depression. but my sister does. she is very fragile, and i see what it does to her. i see how she suffers. so i can sort of see how jonghyun was struggling. 

-clary