eleven

i haven't posted in here in about a week, and i don't want it to seem like i have forgotten about our jonghyun. i still think about him at least once a day and i lament his loss. like i mentioned before, i will always miss him. he was such a bright star that was supposed to shine so much longer.

today i am a bit upset.

on saturday there will supposedly be a memorial service for him on saturday here in los angeles. i asked for the day off so that i could attend, but i wasn't given that day off.

i could call off, but i'm not the type to do that. saturdays are our busiest days and i don't like to look bad by calling out. but i really wanted to go to the service, or event. or whatever it would be called. 

since i won't be able to though, i have decided to hold my own one person memorial at my local church when i have my day off, so that will be this friday. i already bought a candle, and i will take a rose as well. i am also planning to print a picture of him to place at the altar. i will say  a prayer for his soul, in hopes that he can finally rest in peace.

so if any of you happen to stumble upon that church, and you see a picture of jonghyun along with a candle and maybe a letter, it was probably me.

its been about three weeks since he left and i still get really sad when i think of him.

all the scenarios that go in my hea are about what could have happened if they could have saved him. my jonghyun. maybe the outcome wouldnt' have been too much different.

he didn't want to be here anymore.

i just wish he would have known that few people disliked him because there will always be haters, but that so many more people loved him. so many people suffered hearing the news that he was no longer with us.

i think i should post here more often because it helps me cope with my grief.

i still had so much of it bottled up.

-clary