When Keeley O'Brien had become an accountant in Formella, renowned perfume company, he had expected to do, well, accounting.

He had not expected to be sitting in a posh restaurant on a cruise, in front of some old journalist lady who, despite having a notebook and pen recorder and iPad in front of her on the table, was most definitely not here for a magazine interview.

He also had not expected to be sitting in a posh restaurant on a cruise, in front of some old journalist lady, a gigantic golden retriever, and two police officers pretending to be a random couple on their honeymoon.

It wasn't that Keeley was extraordinarily observant or anything. He was able to see through their disguise simply because one of the officers (the squarehaired one) was wearing his badge in front of his chest. Apparently this guy was trained to be a police officer but not a spy.

Keeley wondered how his weekend ended up like this, but he supposed it could have been worse. As the sole male in a company full of gossipy fifty-year-old aunties, Keeley was in charge of killing the cockroaches, cleaning the office restrooms, taking care of leaks, illegally downloading soap operas for the entire office population, and accompanying his boss places. Even though he was an accountant.

This cruise ship was evidently one of those places.

Keeley was chosen for the role as Mrs. Formella's personal escort because he, according to the numerous auntie colleagues, was "presentable". But, personally, Keeley didn't find himself nice-looking at all. With his height and build he did look awfully great in a suit, he would give them that, but his face was absolutely boring. It wasn't quite haggard yet (though Keeley expected it to be in a couple of years), but it was a face with virtually no spark. It was a face of someone who knew, just knew, that he would be stuck in a dead-end job, slaving away for people who didn't care, sucking up to others and acting as everyone's lapdog, for the rest of his life. It was a face of someone who wished that they could maybe go vacationing in some southern island one day, but knew that they would never be able to. Because mortgage. Because college debt. Because expectations.

Either way, going wherever his boss went, always a step behind her, carrying her luggage and holding her coat, was part of Keeley's daily work routine, which was why he was sitting right here, in a posh restaurant on a cruise, in front of some old journalist lady, a gigantic golden retriever, and two police officers pretending to be a random couple on their honeymoon.

"We thought it would be such a good idea to try out this cruise for our honeymoon," the female officer, who told everyone to call her Ellie, explained with a dry laugh. "So here we are!"

Her acting skills were lousy, Keeley thought sympathetically. He wondered whether it would be better if he'd just come out with it and told the officer in a very straightforward manner that no, there was really no point in pretending to be a honeymooning couple because anyone could tell that they were police officers, or whether it would be better if he stayed mum so as to help them save face.

"That's so romantic!" Fumi, secretary of Mrs. Formella, gushed.

Keeley glanced sideways at his young-looking colleague who was really too much of an airhead to be a secretary. Keeley wasn't even trained to be a secretary, but he was sure he could still be a better one than Fumi.

He sighed inwardly. He was on a cruise for the first time in his life, yet he was stuck here with some old journalist lady, two police officers, his scary boss, his scary boss's stupid secretary, and a dog. His only comfort was that Erika was here sharing his misery as well.

Erika was the only other employee Mrs. Formella had brought along with her on the trip. It was for no reason other than because she, like Keeley, was "presentable". Shoulder-length black hair that curled inwards, big round eyes, snubby nose. There was a certain confident air about Erika that screamed "I'm so sophisticated and confident and successful". When they first met, Keeley had felt slightly afraid of her because sophisticated, confident and successful was everything he wasn't. He remembered how their coworker had first introduced them: "Keeley, meet Erika, she's new! Erika, Keeley's the only male in our company. He's a very nice young boy, yes, he's a bit ginger, but you don't mind gingers do you? He's very sweet, that one time my nickel fell into the toilet, he fished it out for me with his bare hands. And look, he's wearing the dark blue suit today, the one that brings out the color in his eyes."

It was about as shitty as a first impression could get, and Keeley knew that. He, however, didn't see how a dark blue suit could bring out the color in his eyes, considering that they were brown, but it wouldn't do to talk back to his coworkers who were experienced seniors who knew too well how to mess up a miserable newbie's career. So he simply smiled wanly and shook Erika's hand.

They ran into each other in the parking lot after work that night. Erika muttered something about not being able to find Car Car Binks and sighed. She had a very melodic voice; even her sigh was melodic. Keeley had no idea sighs could be melodic and it caught him off guard.

"You named your car Car Car Binks?"

"Why not?" Erika asked, looking more amused than defensive.

Keeley didn't know why not either. It just didn't seem plausible that someone as sophisticated, confident and successful as Erika would name her car after some bug-eyed Star Wars character.

He said the first thing that came to his mind. "You do realize that Jar Jar Binks is racist?"

"So is my car," Erika said matter-of-factly, "it's the raciest."

Keeley had no idea how to respond to that, but he did know where to find Car Car Binks and took Erika there. It was common knowledge for everyone except the newbies that the parking lot people sometimes got workers to tow the cars to the street outside so that they could do maintenance for underground pipes.

They bonded soon after, not because Keeley located Erika's suspiciously-named car for her but because as the only two in the company who were not the boss, not the boss's stupid secretary, and not the horde of aunties, it was only natural that they would end up becoming each other's lifeline at work.

Erika was presently massaging Mrs. Formella on the shoulders with her beautifully done nails. Mrs. Formella looked quite satisfied; she was the kind who appreciated any kind of sucking up, especially if done in front of outsiders. As they were in front of several outsiders right now, it was an excellent opportunity to be massaged. It was also an excellent opportunity for Mrs. Formella to tell whoever would listen about how well she treated her workers (one of her favorite subjects when talking to outsiders, and also one that usually resulted in Keeley and Erika rolling their eyes at each other very hard).

"As I was saying," Mrs. Formella told her audience, "it is very nice to relax once in a while on a cruise ship like this, and I'm ever so glad to be able to bring some of my employees. Mrs... Elderberry, yes? I hear that you have brought some of your employees on the ship for a holiday as well."

"All of them," Mrs. Elderberry, the old journalist lady with the dog that Keeley couldn't help staring at, corrected fondly.

"Yes. That is very generous of you, but with a company as large as ours, I naturally cannot bring all of my cherished employees," Mrs. Formella explained, not wanting to be outdone.

"Of course. Besides, I hear that you will also be doing important business here, won't you? So of course it would be unwise to bring the whole company," Mrs. Elderberry said innocently, rubbing lanolin cream on the back of her hands.

Mrs. Formella's expression darkened visibly, and Keeley and Erika exchanged worried glances.

"We're here strictly for a vacation," the stately, greyhound-like woman finally brayed. "I wonder who told you that."

Mrs. Elderberry cocked her fluffy head to one side. "Hmm. I actually don't remember—my memory isn't quite what it used to be. You know, being seventy can be hard."

"I can sympathize." Mrs. Formella seemed relieved at the change of subject. "I'm getting there."

"You can't be serious!" Mrs. Elderberry exclaimed. "You look no more than fifty!"

Keeley and Erika rolled their eyes in unison. It was why they always tried to get seats facing each other; so that they could sync up their eyerolls.

While the two elderly ladies continued their idle chitchat and the fake honeymoon couple pretended to be in love though failing spectacularly, Keeley and Erika were texting each other under the table.

This is suspicious tbh -E

I kno rite! Why did these ppl just randomly turn up out of nowhere and start asking questions? So weird -K

also the honeymoon couple are actually policemen -E

ya I can tell. Fumi probably can't, she's like asking the lady officer about honeymoon details and her answers are rly embarrassing -K

that old lady, she knows something -E

that dog, she also knows something -K

im kind of scared now -E

whats there to be scared about? -K

no it's like, we know that our boss is being blackmailed and we're on a cruise and now theres policemen here and why? Next thing we know theres gonna be dead bodies and ppl kidnapped -E

Don't be stupid things like that only happen in movies -K

Don't call me stupid when I speak german better than u do -E

I'm clearly smarter because I can do math without a calculator -K

ur an accountant duh. Btw we should look up and pretend to be attentive instead of smiling at our phones -E

im not smiling at my phone -K

yes u are [image sent] -E

dont take pictures of me wtf -K

The happy couple who were in denial that they were a couple finally placed their phones back to where they should and attempted to concentrate on the current conversation topic between Mrs. Formella and Mrs. Elderberry: How to clean the bird poop on mailboxes in a most efficient way.

They had no idea how close their prediction about kidnapping and bodies would become to the truth.