It feels like I'm always apologising to you for hiatuses and such and honestly each one is harder and harder to come out of. My life is a shambles, as is my mental health, my self worth and any ideas I have for the future. I don't know what I'm going to do and it terrifies me.

I didn't write for a while because I didn't have the energy, and then i realise that's exactly why I was sad and didn't have the energy - BECAUSE I WASN'T WRITING.

Writing has helped me so much and is probably the only thing I still love after so many years. So Im back, and I'm going to try. My dream would be to have this published - to be an author for real, maybe I'll manage it and this turmoil of college and whatever else will be solved for me if I work hard. Maybe it won't. For now though -  I love you all and this book for helping me and supporting me

Also when I last uploaded I said thanks for 400K reads - its been a 3 month hiatus and we're now at 484K reads and I'm in disbelief. Thank you for all the kind messages and the continued dedication x I hope you guys enjoy x

I love you x

.

.

Chapter 42

It was strange being back in my home. Or I suppose home wasn't really the word for it. It had never felt like a home - not really. A place that was meant to be filled with warmth and laughter, love and acceptance, was instead a place which I feared to enter. A place where the most terrible things had happened to me. And by people who were meant to have cared.

"There's no pictures," Cole comments, looking around the place and I shrug, my eyes drifting across the empty walls that were dulling with smoke.

"My father was never really one to put up family memories, he already said that I reminded him too much of my mother, he didn't need to see my constantly," I reply quietly, walking down the hall with my breath held. It was habit really - my father hadn't come back here since he'd ran from Cameron, Cole informed me of this as we entered, apparently smell was something that they used often. Never the less, my body tensed as though it could feel the punches he had thrown at me, and my skin itched with bruises that were dusted across it.

Obi knocks me out of the spiral I had begun to go into as he runs past my legs and towards the sofas, taking full advantage of being able to jump up on them and the shiver that had past over me eases a little by looking at his lolling tongue.

"Was he always..." Cole's face scrunches up and he shakes his head, "Sorry, that's probably too personal."

I smile gently, shaking my head as we make our way through the house.

"It's alright... I suppose there was a time where he was a kind man, I don't see how my mother could have married him if he wasn't. But as long as I can remember there was never love in his heart... not for me anyway."

Memories of his fond and proud grin staring at Matt makes my stomach roll and an awful taste makes it's way into the back of my throat, my tongue becoming dry. How I had wished for him to look at me like that, for him to be proud of me in some way, shape or form. But no matter what I did it was never enough, he could never look at me like that. He would never wrap his arms around me, or tell me he loved me... he wouldn't so much as touch me unless it was to cause pain.

The feeling only worsens when we finally enter the kitchen and the remnants of our fight lie scattered, as if placed there to create a crime scene and I'm taken aback by the savagery of it. I suppose at the time I hadn't really thought of how it would look after, but this was worse than I could have imagined.

"Jesus..." Cole murmurs, taking in the smashed items and blood stained floor, his eyes widening with every new detail, "Elle, I'm so sorry."

Although it hadn't had any happy memories in a long time, there were still some from a time that felt like another life - a time where my grandmother had laughed with me and painted ornaments, or even the first couple months that I was with Matt and he actually seemed to love me. They were like ghosts to this house, and now it was only haunted by them.

The tears that form in my eyes are self pitying and I hate them, so I quickly turn away from the kind boy and kneel down, picking up the remains of the beautiful vase that had once sat proudly on our table.

"There's no need for that, what's done is done."

There's silence as I finish picking up the large pieces and carefully collect them in my hands, comforted by the familiar pattern that I'd grown up with.

But now it was shattered and in pieces, it would no longer be there as a steady constant.

Everything was changing.

"What exactly are you doing here, Cole?" I finally ask, emptying my hands into the bin and he sighs as I turn to face him, the tense expression on his face worrying me.

He'd made idle chit chat at the front Mrs Grenway's for a couple of minutes before becoming fidgety and I'd suggested that we go somewhere else to chat. I didn't want to wake her and Obi needed out, I just wanted to stop in here for a minute to see, to sit and take in what had really happened.

"I know that this is all new to you, and probably more terrifying than I can even begin to imagine, but please don't listen to Lou. He has a lot of bitterness in him and sometimes he gets in these moods where he can't help but lash out... It's nothing personal, it's just that we're all so used to it that he probably just wanted a reaction."

I sit down next to Cole and rub my arms, goosebumps rising on my skin as I think about the previous scene.

"It's not really Lou that I was worried about... it's just that when I saw the way Trent was with him... It reminded me of..." My eyes glance to the devastation around us before I even realise and Cole grimaces, his hand reaching out and taking mine as my body shudders.

"I know... and seeing this I now realise how much you really went through... not that I didn't think that before with your bruises and everything - but I didn't realise how bad it really was. How violent..." he trails off, clearly not knowing what to say.

I give him a small smile and squeeze his hand in return.

"Anyway," he restarts, clearing his throat, "I know that Trent looked scary, and I'm not saying that you have no reason to be upset by his anger, or that he should have excuses made for him, I'm just letting you know that you are the safest person in the world around Trent, no matter what happens it goes against everything in his nature to even upset you. You may or may not say that his wolf is a little whipped by you."

His wolf.

I knew he meant well, and I knew somewhere in my heart that what he was saying was true. But I just wasn't ready to blindly accept that yet.

I just couldn't.

"So there's like... an animal in your head?" I ask, changing the subject and Cole leans back with a laugh, scratching his neck.

"I mean... yeah, in short. But it's not like they're constantly there and we go crazy listening to them all the time... He just kind of pops up and chimes in in certain situations or when we feel certain things," he frowns, "Sometimes even when he is not necessarily wanted."

"Is it hard?" I ask, "To not listen?"

Cole sighs, "Incredibly," his shoulders tense as he thinks for a second, his hands intertwining themselves, "It's like when people say they have an angel and a devil on their shoulder, and they choose who to listen to, but in this case there's only one and it depends what mood they're in on whether they're the angel or the devil. Your mood changes, your thoughts become a bit incoherent if the feelings are too strong and a lot of the time you black out, give over to the 'beast' as it's so fondly called. Usually you turn when your anger gets too high but there's cases where the pure fury prevents it and you black out as a human.".

"That sounds..." I catch my breath, "Scary."

Cole quickly waves his hand and lets out a quick laugh, standing up as he scolds himself, "Im really not helping this fear thing am I?" he asks and I wince. "Okay, it does sound pretty bad, and it can be. But a wolf is also one of the most annoyingly caring creatures that there is - they do anything for their pack and when it comes to mates it's probably the worst. It never shuts up, it's like it needs to be with them constantly, and craves their approval and affection every waking moment - the phrase 'sad puppy' definitely applies."

"What so if I tell Trent off for peeing on the carpet, he'll take it to heart?"

Cole bursts out laughing as I giggle at the image of Trent as a puppy being scolded and I begin to feel the tenseness rise off of me as my body relaxes and ferocious beasts turn into fluffy dogs in my head. I needed to make my own judgement on them, needed to see for myself how they were and how they could be - I knew these boys, I knew Cole. I knew Trent.

But one sad dog sticks with me.

"Cole... what happened to Lou?"

His expression darkens and he looks away from me, jaw tight as he looks out the window, memories clearly playing in his head and by the clenched fists they were ones that he wished he could forget.

"He was attacked by rogues," he answers bluntly, the anger behind the words clear as day, "Rogues are wolves that don't have a pack, don't have a family. Either they were born out of one or were kicked out for something, whether it be their fault or their parents. Usually, they're feral, vicious and angry at packs, they let their wolf take over more than they should and give in to the animal instincts that being in a pack keeps at bay. They don't really know happiness, they give in to anger and sadness. To us a pack is more than company, it's a link to your humanity, to those you care about and the things you love... rogues don't have that."

"Every rogue?" My voice comes out so quietly that I'm sure if he was human he wouldn't have heard it, but he does and he knows immediately who I'm talking about.

"Every rogue I've ever met eventually goes pretty bad, yeah. Most of them are brought up to hate us." He almost sounds apologetic as he answers and I frown, not wanting to believe it for a second.

Cam was good. He would never be full of hate and anger, he would never harm someone purposely. I was sure of that.

But I saw the way he was at the house, how he changed.

I couldn't begin to even imagine the ginger haired little boy that had been by my side for so many years murdering someone, or being driven by revenge or bloodlust. He just wasn't capable of it, I knew that.

But I didn't know werewolves.

"Can someone join a pack?" I ask eventually and Cole shrugs.

"Usually they have to have a reason to be there, a soulmate or family they didn't know they had. Rogues don't usually get accepted by other packs just because they could still be unstable... and usually by the time they try to join one they're too old to learn pack ways anyway - they're real lone wolves. Plus usually someone is a rogue because of something they've done wrong, or their ancestors... in that case their bloodline is banned in most cases."

"So people are punished for the crimes of their parents?" I question with a frown not liking the sound of it one bit, "Is that not a bit unfair?"

"It's a dog eat dog world for us, you can't be too careful," Cole defends, brushes some glass off of the counter, "Some people just have bad blood."

Bad blood.

Before I can retort or even question his thinking Obi barks from the living room and comes running through to us, his teeth bared in the direction of the front window, his bark echoing down the hall.

"Obi?" I ask, caution lining my voice and Cole is up in a second, his body seeming to expand in size as he carefully walks around the corner of the kitchen units, his sight following the dogs. "What is it?"

Cole raises a hand to me and stops me from talking as I stand beside him, the two of us silently moving towards the front of the house and I quickly grab Obi's collar, calming him down and he stops barking, only silence now surrounding us. The hairs on my body rise and a shiver goes down my spine.

I can't see anything through the window, the blinds are pretty much closed and the only bit of the outside that I can see is obscured by plants, making it impossible to make out anything further.

The house felt eerie, as if we were standing in a lung that was holding its breath, waiting for something to happen and it was slowly suffocating. My eyes dart around, looking for a sign of something but there is only a ticking noise coming from a clock on top of the stairs.

"Cole-" he covers my mouth and closes his eyes, his face scrunching up as if he's straining and I realise he's listening to what's outside. I don't know if I'll ever get used to the abilities that they had or the way they had managed to hide it for so long, but right now it was the only thing giving me any comfort.

That is until his frown deepens and his face pales a little.

Something was happening.

My heartbeat quickens and I clutch onto my necklace on instinct, begging for Trent to be here and feel the safety of his arms around me.

What was happening?

Cole's eyes suddenly snap open and he grabs me in his arms, clutching onto me as panic floods his face.

"Elle we have to go no-"

His words are cut off by the sound of something behind us smashing and I scream at the noise and spin around, preparing to see a creature with snarling teeth waiting for us.

Were we under attack? Was this is? Was I going to die?

As I frantically try to spot the intruder I see nothing except a broken window and something large and metal lying on the ground. Had someone thrown something at us? What was it meant to do?

"Cole what's-"

"Elle! Get back!"

Before I can blink he's grabbing me in his arms and spinning me away from the object, his body now between us as he shoves me away, panic and fear clear on his face and I stumble a few steps before reaching for him.

Cole.

Just as my fingers touch him the world explodes around me and the floor disappears from under my feet.

Everything turns white.

.

.

.

There's a ringing in my ears that won't let up and I wince at the feeling of it, as though it's echoing through my head.

What was going on?

Something is heavy across my legs and won't budge, a warmth spreading where it touches me and I slowly sit up, rubbing my hands across my eyes, brushing off whatever was coating them.

My eyes blink open and it takes a moment for me to understand what I'm seeing, my brain struggles to comprehend my eyes as I take it in.

If I had thought the house looked like a war zone before then I don't exactly know what I would call this.

Debris lay on everything, every surface no longer remained intact - pieces of roof or wall or something were crossed above me and some light was breaking through a hole at the top. I look around at the surface that I'm lying on and realise that I'm lower than ground level, an almost perfect circle is around me and the walls seem to stop at the outline of it.

What happened?

Something moves beside me and I almost scream but the brush of fur and a whine in my ear calm me and I reach out, touching the dogs fur as he comes into the little bit of light.

"Obi," I sigh with relief as he leans his head into me and my eyes tear up, "You're okay, good boy."

I could only believe that it was a miracle that he was okay, god knows how he wasn't trapped under something.

But my legs were, and whatever it was was groaning.

Cole.

Realisation floods through me as I gasp and shuffle forward, gently pulling myself up and towards the figure at my feet and a sob leaves my chest as I touch his chest, carefully moving him off of me.

"Cole," I whisper, as I try to make out his features but there's no response and my chest tightens. "Help!" I try to scream but the debris fly into my throat and cut my off as I cough, my haggard breathing shaking me. "Cole, please," I cry, shaking him a little in desperation.

It was a bomb.

Someone had thrown a bomb through my front window and now Cole was hurt and we were trapped.

What if they were coming back?

"Cole, please."

A buzzing sound breaks through my panic and I look down at the figure who is unmoving but the pocket in his jeans is lit up through the material.

"Oh my god," I gasp and grab it, yanking it out of the pocket as I see a name flash across the cracked screen. "Trent?" I manage to choke out, tears spilling down the side of my face as Obi lies beside me, a comforting head on my lap.

"Elle? Is that you? Elle what's happened?" His voice sounds frantic and I can almost feel his worry through the phone. "Where are you?"

"B-bomb," I manage to get out, the word is like swallowing gravel, "House."

"Hurry up! It's down that way!" Trent shouts at someone on the other end of the phone and I almost want to laugh at the authoritative tone that he uses but the pain that it would cause makes it stop, "Elle just stay on the phone to me, just listen to my voice, I'll be there soon okay, just hang in there mijn ziel."

"What's... that?"

"It means my soul, it's Dutch," he answers me, the stress in his words making me smile. "How bad is Cole?"

I put the phone on speaker and then click the torch on to see Cole and I cry more when I see his closed eyes and bleeding body. The warmth I had felt on my legs hadn't just been from his skin, but instead was from the mangled side of his body that didn't look like anything anymore, the blood pooling around him.

I lean over him and put my hand to his chest and try to see where I can try to stop the bleeding but I can't make out what's skin, what's rubble and what is flesh.

"B-Bad."

I sob as I lean my head onto him and circle his head in my arms, laying it on my lap as I beg for him to wake up but there's nothing I can do but feel his body rise and fall slowly as he breathes, but it's so shallow that I don't know if I'm imagining it or not.

Why did this happen? Who would do something so awful - and to Cole? He didn't deserve this, no one did.

Was this my fault?

Was Cole going to die because of me?

"I'm so sorry Cole," I whisper as my head starts to spin, "I'm so... sorry..."

"Elle? Elle!"

.

.

.

I love Cole a lot - please don't kill me x

Doing a video for you guys so please leave comments with either questions or just things you wanna say about the book!!x