Hello, my lovelies.

Yeesh it's been a long dang while.

I feel like I don't have to actually explain much to you guys, I feel like through this book and my posts you guys have been pretty observent and on the nose with what happened to me.

My mental health deteriorated and I had to remove myself from my life for a little bit, I just worked and slept and attempted to kind of reset everything.
In this time, I didn't want to write, I actually physically couldn't write. My mind wouldn't let me think straight and I couldn't focus enough to actually write a chapter, or for that fact any good writing at all.

I want to apologise for not saying anything to you guys, but I didn't want to make another post about something being wrong and needing time, I just kind of took it and I apologise for teh abruptness that followed that. 

I would like to let you guys know however that I am the happiest I have been in a long, long looooooooong time. Being an adult is tricky, having to work 6 days a week right now is rough but it's making me work hard and it's helping me to get my life in order.

ON SAYING ALL THIS

I would like to say have fucking AMAZING  you all are, holy shit. The amount of comments I recieved on the last chapter, the amount of wall posts, private messages and tweets that I got asking if I was alright, checking up on me, sending messages of love and support was insane and crazy and I do not deserve you guys but I am so fucking grateful for you!!!!

You lot made me want to write again and helped pull me out of the rutt i'd gotten in so eventhough I didn't reply or respond I want you guys to know that I saw, read, cried at and loved every single message that you all left or sent so thank you xxxx

NOW,

I hope you've all stuck around, I'll be gutted if you haven't. This book gained another 30K reads in my little hiatus which is crazy, and I'm hoping that with the support of you guys it'll be able to pick up again and I'll get back on the bandwagon for writing and this book will never have another hiatus again.

So let me know what you think, give me abuse about the wait if you like, give me a little update on your life!! I want to know what you've been up to!

And as always leave your love and support each other, I love you guys xxxxx

HERE WE FUCKING GO

GUESS WHOSE BACK BITCHES X

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I burst out of the doors of the school and fall to my knees, the rough cobbles scratching my skin as I scramble to stand again, not wanting to be caught.

Who I am running from I'm not sure; is it the teachers that would stop me? 

Is it Matt?

Or is it the boy who had screamed my name like he was begging me to come back, the sound cracking through my determination and almost forcing me to turn around?

All I know is that my legs move without me even telling them to and before I know it I've made it halfway across the field and I only realise where I'm heading when branches start to dig into my arms and the sound of the community around me begins to fade into the distance. 

It seemed like even my subconscious didn't care anymore, if it did then I wouldn't have ran straight into the forest, forgetting all about the stories that had been whispered into my ear as a child.

But was there anything more horrific in here than what I would find in my own life?

When all I can hear is silence and the only thing in front of me is green, I finally stop running and let my body collapse, my lungs burning as sobs break from my lips, echoing through the emptiness around me.

My body shakes as I try to calm myself down but it seems like the more I do, the more panicked I become and the steel taste of blood in my mouth floods through me, my head being able to do nothing more than replay the events that just happened, the scenery around me becoming fuzzy, the colour draining.

The fists flying through the air.

The whispers still lingering on my skin, words pricking my ears as though they're inside my skull.

Why I'm crying I can't quite decide; fear engulphs me but so does anger - my mind whirling with the threats thrown at me and the sights I'd seen, but they all seem to mesh together into one giant bubble, the shadow looming over my consciousness.

And I feel like I'm just waiting for it to burst.

"Elle?"

Suddenly, like static, it all disappears and I can see clearly, colours vivid around me and my breathing seems to slow, my blurred fingers in front of me, dripping with tears, stilling.

I turn my head slightly to look at the person standing behind me, slowly approaching me as if I was a wounded animal that they were scared would fly away and relief washes over me.

"Scarlette."

The word comes out of my mouth as though it's painful, the syllables grating my throat so badly that I'm surprised she even understands what I've said. But it's as though she understands everything, her feet stopping beside me as she sits down, leaving a small space between us.

Breathing space.

"I-I'm sorry I ran I-I-"

"Shhh," she coos, her hand reaching out to wrap around mine, bringing it onto her lap, "There's no reason to apologise, if you hadn't reacted like that then I would think you were crazy."

I look at her in surprise and she smiles softly at me, her green eyes like mirrors, reflecting the blowing leaves around us and it brings a sort of peace to my mind, the panic set on a loop like a record player seems to halt and my lungs stop being painful.

"Thank you," I whisper, not knowing how to explain what her words mean to me, not just in this situation but in any, it was the first time in a long time that I had been told that it was okay to not be perfect, to let the facade crack. To not have my response conditioned to perfection.

Her fingers grip around mine tightly, reassuring me that I'm alright and for once I feel that maybe I am, which seems crazy when I'm possibly the most frightened I have ever been.

After a few minutes, I feel my mind begin to work as it processes everything that occurred like a movie replaying all the scenes, and one question brims at the tip of it all.

"Scarlette," I begin, swallowing my pride, my eyes cast down unable to look at her, "Is Trent dangerous?"

Silence greets me and the thumb rubbing my finger comfortingly stills immediately, tension freezing the movements as I listen to the breeze move around us. 

I slowly look up at her, heart pounding in my ears as I take in her sombre expression, her unmoving lips clenched as if she was trying to figure something out. 

It was an odd question. On one hand, I had seen what he had done, I had witnessed the blood spilling from Carter and the look in his eyes that shook me to my core, but for some reason, I felt like I had to ask. 

Finally, her lips open.

"I don't think you have any reason to ever be scared of Trent." 

Her brows furrow and she straightens her back, her grip on my hand back to being like a clamp and she looks straight into my eyes, her stare unwavering. 

"In fact, I can promise you: Trent would never hurt you."

A warm kind of feeling pours over my skin at her words and I decide that it must be relief.

Had I really been so worried?

Had I really thought that the boy who could look at me so softly and say such sweet things to me be dangerous?

But could I also forget the horrible words he had snarled at me the night before, his eyes filled with nothing?

I smile at Scarlette and nod softly, believing her and she smiles back. I take a deep breath, turning away from her to look out at the scenery but I can't help but notice the way the smile slips off of her face and a frown replaces it as soon as I have.

What wasn't she telling me.

"Elle," she begins and already from her tone I know that the next words are going to be difficult for her to say, let alone for me to hear, "That guy... Carter, has he ever..." she trails off quietly, the things she hasn't said hanging around us like nooses from a branch and I can feel them tightening around my throat.

"No," I whisper back, "he hasn't."

The ropes tighten, my head starting to become light and I feel my fingers tingling, wanting to reach out and rip the constraint away from my neck but I can't, I'm frozen in sheer panic of what she is going to say next, but I also feel numb, as though I need her to do it. 

"Matt... is he..."

I feel my ribs press into my lungs as they expand in shock at hearing her ask even though I knew it was coming, it was as though no matter what I had prepared for my ears couldn't quite understand what they had heard and my hands began to shake in confusion.

Is he...

How do I answer? How do I begin the sentence? How do my lips form the word? Does my tongue even know how to pronounce it? Can my brain even think it?

The answer that had been banished from my vocabulary, the response that I'd trained myself not to have.

It was as though hearing it for the first time shook the foundations to the wall I had built around me and suddenly it was crumbling, crashing around me and destroying the fake image I had created for myself, the life I had made myself believe I could have.

Is he...

Could I even say it?

Would it not ruin everything I had, everything that was planned for me, that I had been told I wanted over and over again for years and years.

Was I ready for that can of worms to open, could I look at Scarlette the same again if I did?

Could I look at anyone if I did? Would I always see their sympathy shining back at me, forcing me to never forget who I really was and what had really happened to me? 

Was I ready to be that girl? To admit that? To finally face the truth? To push aside all fears and promises that I had given myself to stop this from ever happening?

The breath rushes out of lungs.

"Yes"

The word flows from my lips and into the air around us, unravelling the knots from the branches as well as the ones in my stomach and suddenly I feel light.

The weights around my ankles seem to fall off and it's as though I can finally get my head above water long enough to breathe and my tip toes feel like they can just touch the sand. 

A ring floats in the water in front of me, the air inside offering a way to stay afloat, the material providing something to lean on.

The ring is the same vibrant red as Scarlette's hair.

Despite my preconceived thoughts of her reaction and what I assume it is going to be, she surprises me. 

There are no sobs, no screams, no shocked gasps and apologetic words fumbling for a way to comfort me. 

Instead, her fingers hold mine more tightly and her eyes light like a fire as she stares at me, determination blazing within and right as I begin to panic and question why I had ever opened my mouth she stops me.

"You are more than this," she states, the words gripping onto my bones, "You deserve more, and you are more. And you are so much stronger than you have ever been allowed to think."

In all my daydreams of telling someone the truth, of finally relieving myself of the burden that I carry with me each day, I had never, I could never imagine that reaction or those words said to me. I could not have scripted it, and I could not have prepared myself for it.

It was like Scarlette knew. 

She just knew.

I only realise I'm crying when wetness drips onto my hand which is clenching hers below me, causing me to glance down at them, taking in the intertwined fingers that seem to be holding my shaking body together. When I return my gaze to hers she too has tears in them, but there is no look of pity or difference, there is only that fire and I know that it's burning for me and not at me.

"You're still you."

Her whisper puts me over the edge and my limbs become soft, folding into her like a fold-away-chair that is used at barbeques, my supports shaking as I let her hold me up and wrap her arms around my body, pulling me tight against her.

I don't think I will ever know what it was that made me tell Scarlette the truth.

What it was that convinced me about her that even after only knowing her for a short time and spending an even shorter amount of time with her, why I felt like I could trust her with my secret, why I could confess the plague that had infected me for years to her. 

I didn't know.

What I did know was that her arms were like a vice around me and we stayed there for as long as it took for me to stop crying and she never once faltered.

She never once said a word or moved a muscle.

She just held me and let years of anguish pour out.

.

Sometime between me stopping crying and getting to Scarlette's car she had managed to phone Kristie and arrange for me to be dropped at her house. It took a while for me to realise how dark it had gotten and that's when the realisation of how long I had been sobbing for really hit me and embarrassment flooded my being. 

Of course, somehow Scarlette felt this and she immediately reached out and took my hand, watching the road carefully as she drove.

"Never be embarrassed for what you just did, I'm so proud of you and you should be too. I won't tell a soul, not until you're ready." 

Her words echoed in my head as I arrived at Kristie's, and it's all that seemed to flood through my mind as she handed me over and quietly explained about the fight at school and Carter, but true to her word she didn't tell her the truth.

Although, she didn't really have to. 

Kristie had never outrightly said it to me, and she'd never asked but I knew that a small part of her knew, but just like me, she didn't want to admit it.

The number of times that I had lashed out at her for trying was too many to count and eventually, probably for the sake of our friendship, she had stopped pushing me, knowing that all it was going to do was drive me further away from her and into his awaiting arms. 

"I love you."

It had been hours since I had arrived at Kristie's and she hadn't said a word. Since I had been here all that we'd done was climb into her bed and switch on the television, the movie blurring into the background as both our minds worked over what was happening.

"What?" I croak out, not confused by her words but confused by the abruptness she had said it.

She sighs, looking down at her hands and it's when I notice the streaks of tears on her cheeks and the patches on her t-shirt.

How long had she been crying for?

"I just wanted you to know that," she bubbles, picking at her fingers anxiously, "I don't want you to ever think I don't, or ever think I haven't just wanted what's best for you. I just wanted to say it in case you thought that I didn't care."

I slide up the back of the bed into a sitting position and face her slightly, my brows furrowed as I watch her, realising that she's being completely genuine and that the fear on her face is a fear of me.

"Kristie," I half chuckle but it comes out almost sad, "I love you too," I say, taking her hand, "and I know that. I've always known that."

Her lip quivers as the tears reappear and she nods, bringing my hand to her face as she holds it, her forehead touching the skin.

"You mean the world to me, I'm sorry I can't do more for you and I'm sorry I didn't all this time," her breath shakes, "But mostly I'm sorry that you were ever the person to go through this, and I'm sorry that you've had to hold onto it for so long."

My heart shatters inside my chest as I look at my best friend and suddenly realise that through all the years that I've pushed her away, all she was trying to do was help and I'd hurt her, I'd worried her, I'd probably caused her more pain than I ever realised.

"And I'm sorry for putting you through this, for opening up enough that you knew something was wrong but not enough that you could actually help. You're my world K, forever."

Our arms find each other and our tears pour down each other's necks as we cling on, not willing to let the other go until we feel like we have each finished pouring all the love that we can out of us.

When we break from each other there is snot all over both of our faces and I can feel the dampness on my shoulder seeping onto my skin and we both look at each other and giggle, our laughter breaking the harsh atmosphere that had inhabited the room, and my body, for so long.

"We do not look swell," Kristie jokes, wiping her nose on her sleeve and I chuckle at the action, pretending to be grossed out, "Oh shut up, you have a booger that's about to fall onto your lip, now that's what I call gross."

I shove her gently and reach past her to the bedside table where a box of tissues sit, grabbing a couple for me and a few for her too although it might already be a lost cause.

She takes them from me still smiling and silently we clean ourselves up, the mumbling of the television in the background easing my mind.

Finally, she asks it.

"What are you going to do, Elle?"

Unlike before where the question would most likely have made me go into hyperventilation and fall into an early grave, I only now found it a little worrying and even more confusing.

What was I going to do?

"I don't know," I reply truthfully, frowning at my words, "Carter will have told Matt by now, I haven't looked at my phone but I can only imagine the messages..." I trail off, my eyes looking at my jacket that contains my phone, the material heaped on the ground covering it but I can still hear the vibrations.

"Don't look at it tonight," Kristie orders, getting out of the bed and heading over to it, "It'll do no good, and I'm turning it off." She plucks it off the ground and walks back over to the bed, the screen on it flashing before turning off and she puts it in the drawer beside her. "Out of sight, out of mind."

I laugh at her shrug and nod in agreement, strangely feeling a little more at ease without the constant thought of it being right beside me.

"Are you going to speak to Trent?" 

Her question surprises me and my heart falters at his name as soon as it leaves her lips, the goosebumps on my arms rising as if anticipating seeing him.

"I'm not forgetting what he said to you, and I still don't like him," she explains, holding up her hands as though they were weights, "But I do think you need to say something to him, whether that be thank you or fuck you, that's up to you but I don't think you're totally done with him."

I look at the girl in front of me in shock, not knowing how I'd made my emotions to obvious when I'd become so good at hiding them when it came to everything else.

Did Trent really make me that weak?

"I'm just saying that I've never seen you like that before, in the cafeteria? I've never seen you stand up to somebody like that and have that kind of passion before," she shrugs, a smirk on her face, "He kind of brings out a fire in you."

I scoff, "Yeah, an angry one. Are we forgetting that he only spoke to me to try and fuck me to prove something to Matt?"

For some reason saying that name alone leaves a worse taste in my mouth than anything Trent had ever said to me.

Kristie shakes her head but frowns, "No, but I also think you need to talk to him about it because the boy that I saw before he said all that did not speak to you for any reason other than he liked you. And I've never seen you as happy as when you're laughing with him."

I feel a small smile flicker onto my mouth and I try to push it away but even the thought of him makes it impossible.

"Why don't you sleep on it," Kristie suggests, already fluffing the pillows underneath us and it hits me for the umpteenth time tonight how truly grateful I am to have her as my best friend. "I'll tell my mom tomorrow that you and Matt broke up and we need a day off, she'll probably be so happy that she'll offer us a week off." 

Her joke makes me laugh but it also hits the pit in my stomach and Kristie seems to notice it as I wince at the thought of Matt and us breaking up.

Had we broken up?

If we hadn't then were we going to?

Was he going to let me?

"It's going to be okay," Kristie mumbles, pulling me into her as we get under the covers and I snuggle into her, relishing in the comfort, "You'll see, everything works out in the end, and you deserve some good luck."

Amen.

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make sure to leave me a message - i'm replying to all you lovely people xxx

would also just like to dedicate this chapter to @pinknekool because her kind words and comments constantly lifted my spirits xx