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GOLD RUSH ✹ SIX
(STOP SAYING THAT YOU LOVE ME! )

I SIT IN A CAFE ON FIFTH WITH FARAH PARKS. I hadn't seen her in a while, we were close once. Me, her and Olivia when she used to go to Constance and live only a block or two away.

I hadn't heard from her for a while, we still talk but not nearly as much as we used to. So when I was lying on my bed — bored out of my mind on yet another day of school I was taking from my own home. The post-brunch fallout is manic — everything is touchy ground. I know Nate slept with Serena , and worst of all Blair knows that on top of the fact moments before he confessed a seemingly undying love to me. It's all a mess that I'll get back into once the fragility of it all goes.

She asked me out to coffee, to be followed by copious amounts of damage on our trust funds.

So, I said yes and sit here pulling at the pastry in front of me. when I'm meant to be in history — but my seat is right by Nate's and I don't think I could handle that currently. Knowing he'd be looking, reaching out and I'd think the brush of his skin would quite literally drive me insane.

" so how's school?" I ask Farah who leans back.

" Boring, drama isn't the same as it is at Constance." it makes me laugh as I nod " there's only one pregnancy scare a month? How's a girl meant to live like that!"

I smile and shrug " I found six pregnancy tests in the girls bathroom, five negative and one positive." I tell her and her mouth gapes, sitting upright.

" really?" she says and when I nod she blows air out of her mouth " fuck, schools outside the city are so boring! there's not even a Tiffany's !"

I smile and let out a small chuckle, " why are you even there? we didn't get in trouble." I feel my brows furrow as I tilt my head and angle it to look at her " at least not a lot, not enough to sanction being sent to boarding school."

Her shoulders lift as she shrugs "I don't think my parents wanted the responsibility of their child anymore." she tells me and my curve in my lips drops as I look at her.

But whatever she feels, she soon shakes her self out of — looking at me as she reaches and grabs my hand " you still got that crush on Archibald?" she hums.

So she doesn't know?
About the park, about the real reason I moved back to England. About the Shepard wedding? She doesn't know.

It's unconvincing when I shake my head, trying to act like I've forgotten about him somehow. Because I couldn't — never will there be a day where I don't think about him, I did almost every day in London. So many Ralph Lauren polos in sight not to.

" no, we're friends kind of." I lie, we're not friends and a part of me thinks we never were — not really "but...except from Liv I'm not really part of that group anymore."

I don't want to be
Because it tethers me to him, the rope between us I've been sawing at for the last couple of years. Despite the agony of cutting myself free from him, I think I'd be better off free.

Farah doesn't believe me, I can tell she doesn't. Nobody seems to believe me, including myself.

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"SLOAN, ITS A PARTY." I tell her, sitting on the edge of my bed as I clip in my earrings. Pushing my hair back over my shoulder as I stand up.

She looks at me, slouched in the doorway of my room. A look of confusion and disappointment carved into her expression.

" a party in Brooklyn, you never go to those." she exhales, knowing it's the truth as much as I do  " at least you didn't without Liv or Na-" she begins.

And as if she can see the daggers that penetrate into the empty cavity of my chest as she begins to say his name. She soon stops. Her lips flat as she looks at me, knowing exactly who she means.

She's noticed his lack of mentioning in this place. My house is a Nate Archibald free place as long as I can help it. The house I live in is free of him, because my mind and heart will never be. I don't doubt he's been waiting out here every morning — holding that same coffee cup and pastry,

And I also don't doubt that my sister doesn't step out that door, shake her head and proceed to walk with him to school. That he asks for help and she shuts him down, like always declaring that her relationship with him is separate to 'whatever' is going on between me and him.

I look at her, unfazed " well Olivia is busy so I'm going with Farah." I tell her, and she looks like she is worried. About me, and I hate that look.

My head tilts, still looking at her through the reflection of my mirror " what?" I breathe out.

Her eyes say it but her mouth doesn't — too scared to cause damage although the imprint of him on my heart is disreputable. Whatever metal used to press on it still hot — burning my chest whenever I think of him.

'he asks about you' is what she wants to tell me, but either for my own peace or not wanting to cause anymore damage on his behalf, she doesn't.

I push out my chair, standing up as I reach for my jacket and bag. Forcing my lips into a smile as I walk towards her " I won't be late, but don't stay up."

My finger brush against her cheek as she nods, "Stella-" she breathes out my name but I shut it down, shaking my head.

the breath I exhale is shaky " Sloan." I hum,
" I'm fine." lifting my hand to ruffle her hair as he looks at me, accepting my answer although I know she doesn't believe it at all.

⋆⭒˚｡⋆

"ANOTHER ONE M'LADY." Baxter Montgomery, resident of the lower west side, acquaintance to me and apparently a friend of Farah's hums as he passes me yet another cup of whatever alcohol I've been entrusting him to give to me tonight.

We know each other through the brunette who sways her body to the music only a metre or two away — he's nice enough. I don't think Chuck minds him in the times we've gone down down with him to parties like this, I've seen Olivia make out with him a couple times. Although I don't think Nate likes him merely because of how handsy he gets when we go to parties, particularly with me.

I beam a smile that doesn't come from a place of full sobriety — clinking the white rims of our cups that I traded my champagne flutes for the second we crossed the bridge.

I place my lips over it, drinking faster than I could get away with at any other sort of party I usually go to.

The music is loud, it vibrates the floor and I can barely understand anything anyone says to me. A sheen of sweat sticks to my skin from all the dancing that me and Farah have done — my body losing its balance the more I drank.

Now I laugh, wiping residue beer from my gloss covered lips — smiling as I hook one arm around Farah " don't go back to boarding school! I'll smuggle you to my house." I plead and her and Baxter both laugh.

I look down to my open purse when I see my phone screen light up. Taking my phone and seeing Olivia's name appear, I beam a smile and excuse myself walking towards the small balcony area of the party.

Flipping the phone open " Livy!" I exclaim, my words slurred as I hear a sigh on her end,

" Someone's having fun I see." She hums " where are you?" her voice softens as I lean against the railing.

My eyes look around the warehouse "some abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn." I gasp and laugh " Oh Liv you should totally come, Farah's here-you remember Farah right?"

I hear her soft laugh " so that's who I have to blame for you going off grid." she tells me, and I let out a small laugh.

Shaking my head although she can't see it " no, the person to blame is probably with your brother right now." I breathe out.

Olivia's quiet for a second before speaking again, "he's worried about you, says he hasn't heard off you all week."

My eyes roll, annoyed at the slight guilt that creeps into my stomach at ignoring him. No it's probably just the alcohol that's making me feel nauseous.

I lull " maybe if he wanted enthralling conversation with me." I exhale "he shouldn't have slept with Serena."

A sigh escapes my best friend's lips from the other side of the phone "I found the party on gossip girl, just stay there ok?"

My lips part as I let out a laugh " Okie, I'm going to get another drink." I pull it away from my ear before she can debate me "love you!" I make kissy noises that I never do sober down the phone.

Walking back into the party, Baxter grabbing my hand as he pulls me towards him and Farah who are back on the dance floor. Laughter leaves my parted lips as he spins me around, keeping my body close.

I don't remember a lot of the next half hour, until a white bag is present to me in one of the many dark corners of the party — Farah dipping her head first, Baxter's face beaming as he watches her inhale the powder from the back of her hand.

Baxter gesturing to me as I nod and he takes my hand and lines it up on the back of my hand.

And just as I'm about to dip my head and do something I've never done with Olivia or Chuck or even Nate around, when I hear a small gasp leave Farah's mouth.

" is that Nate Archibald?" I hear Farah say, I turn my head to where she's gawking.

And he stands there, under the low lights of this warehouse there's still a fucking halo of light that my heart puts on the outline of his body.

His hand tucked into the pockets of his suit trousers, his suit jacket disregarded and tie off. A couple buttons undone as his eyes scan around looking for someone, for me.

I notice Chuck and Olivia following closely behind, and i mentally scold that my best friend can't keep secrets to save her life. Knowing that he definitely asked her where she was going when she left the hotel; and she wouldn't have to say anything to know it was about me. And apparently he can't let things go when it's about me.

His eyes wandering around the sea of people that separates us. A thousand eyes probably staring back him, mine included. My green irises lost into a sea of them that stare at Nate with the same awe.

But like I've mentioned it, it's his superpower to find me — so soon enough he's looking at me. Into my eyes, into my soul, into my mind that's only thought is now four syllables.

Nate Arch-I-Bald

I shake my head, looking at Baxter who's follow my eyes as well " take it, I changed my mind." I hum.

A request he doesn't fight, I'm not watching him as he dips his head and I hear him inhale. Instead I'm looking at Nate for the first time in a week, and his gaze is flickering between me and the man he doesn't know sniffing cocaine off of my hand.

His jaw tightens as he approaches the three of us, looking at Baxter. Although doesn't acknowledge him and the smile he gives Farah is skeleton like.

Soon he's looking at me, eyes dragging up and down what I'm wearing "so this is what you've been up to for the last five days?" he asks, I don't like the tone in his voice. His judgement, his annoyance at me.

I assume annoyance for not answering his calls or replying to his texts. I shake my head, ignoring his past comment

" how did you know I was here?" I say, his eyes trying to find mine which I avoid.

He hums " your sister has pretty loose lips." he tells me. Because my sister adores me but she adores the idea of me and Nate just that tiniest bit more.

leaning in, because it's the only way I can hear him. His lips brushing against my ear and I'm not sober enough to pretend it doesn't affect me.

" Liv asked her where you were, she said some party in Brooklyn." He breathes, his breath spreading over my ear as I feel my body tense

"she wanted us to come with her, didn't know what she was walking into."

I let those eyes I won't let find his roll. And I shake my head " did you not get the memo? I don't want to see you Nate."

Beginning to walk, pushing through the crowds towards the back of the warehouse — some people stand around smoking but barely anyone is here.

His voice follows me like I assume he has " you don't get to do this!" he calls out to me, I turn around — finally getting a proper look at him.

Stepping closer to me " you don't get to go A-wall, you don't get to ignore me, skip school and decide I'm out of your life!" he reprimands, each words adds another pang to my heart.

Before I can get a word in, he continues " I don't want my first bit of news about you in almost a week being Olivia calling me panicked!" his arm flails to the side, pointing to nothing in particular "and showing up here not knowing if you were ok, or what you were doing with god knows who!"

" you don't get to act like you care!" My voice is loud, it takes him aback I can tell it does — his brows furrow and he watches me "you hurt me! you have actively done things you know would hurt me and you don't care— so you don't get to come here and act like you do!"

His hands palm his face " Jesus Christ Stells, I love you of course I fucking care about you!" his voice is louder than mine now. The loudness of his voice makes me want to cry or scream, maybe both.

" Stop saying that!" I call back, " stop saying that you love me!"

" I do love you!" he exclaims, and those two words by themselves make my eyes teary.

I blink " you slept with Serena!"

He shakes his head "I fucked up! I know, I'm sorry!" He reiterates what he's been trying to say to me for the last week, if I gave him the chance.

Face souring " but let's not act like you're innocent Stells." he says, I feel my lips part as I stand there. Not knowing what to say, but I feel my eyes watering as the image of him in front of me becomes glossier.

" what the fuck does that mean?" I breathe out, his hand lifting to palm his face.

" you have hidden from me for the last week, you have given me no chance to apologise since Sunday!" he tells me, " it's like you want to stay mad at me, like you want to keep punishing me for it—"

Because hating him is working out easier than being in love wing him. Because I don't hate him at all, I've never hated him. I act like I do sometimes, but I can't not love him.

Like I said to Sloan that night, it's part of my anatomy — my heart was made to lie in the hands of Nate Archibald. My hands to hold his own heart like my life depended on it, because in truth it does.

"I-I don't." I breathe out, watching him as I can feel the tears running down my cheeks " I don't want to keep punishing you."

Truth is, I just want him to feel half the hurt from me that I feel from him. Although I know it's bad and only ends up hurting us both.

He steps closer, I hear the gravel crunch under his feet — he doesn't say anything. His thumb brushes against the wet skin of my cheek. My lip pushes together as I can feel them quivering.

" I just want to stop hurting." I barely let the words out, they're spoken more in a breath than by themselves. Moving my eyes to look at his head which is pointed down so he can reach me.

I chew the skin of my cheek between my teeth "and you...you just keep hurting me Nate."

My body tensing as his lips brush against under my eyes, trailing up where I assume my tears have fallen. My lids flutter shut as I exhale gently.

his words muffled against my skin, his voice low. Barely a whisper, barely audible

" I'm sorry."

But I heard it clearly.

I lift my head in response to his touch — I feel as if I'm melting into him. Becoming one being like I feel like we should have always been.

His lips continue to caress my face, soon tracing my hairline and then my ear and soon my jaw. My body is frozen and almost not responsive to anything but his touch.

"stells?" my name rolling off the only tongue I've ever let say it in this way. My eyes open, they're still blurry, blinking away whatever tears still manage to fill them.

I watch him, the relief that washes over his face when I make my lips curve into a smile. I can read him, I can read his eyes and his face.

To others, he's just another book — rich upper east side trust fund baby, destined for greatness despite what mediocrity they believe he possesses.

But to me, I'd run my fingers over the spine with the same gentleness I did when I first had it placed in my hands. I'd read every page with a concentration that knits my brows together despite knowing every syllable off by heart.

Just because it was Nate.

I nod "I know."

His arms wrap around, pulling me into him as I feel his hand hold the back of my head. He breathes out, I feel his chest retract from my own.

Dipping my head so my forehead rests on his shoulder — he lets out a strained breath and brushes his cheek against my neck.

" I want to go home." I say, hearing him hum.

"let's get you home then."

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WE MAKE IT TO MY HOUSE, Nate holding me up from one side, Chuck from the other side as I can hear Olivia behind us.

My head is rested on Nate's shoulder as we walk, occasionally he turns and kisses my head and I feel like an idiot how much I'm smiling.

Eyes lifting as the door opens, creating gaps of light into the hallway — Sloan stands there, arms folded as she watches me, eyes momentarily gazing at everyone else before their back to me.

" I told you not to wait up." I say, my voice slow and words slurred slightly. I notice how Sloan looks at Nate, who I can see in peripheral as he nods.

" she's just drunk." he hums, I give my sister a lob-sided smile as she gives one back.

I phase back into reality when I'm placed on my bed, Nate knelt in front of me — his fingers toying with the zipper of my boots. He used to do this..well before.

Chuck stands in the doorway, watching me and Nate and Olivia sits down beside me handing me a glass of water " come on, drink." she hums.

I shake my head and she sighs " Stella, you'll thank me tomorrow if you put anything other than whatever you were drinking in your system."

I laugh softly, taking it from her. My sips steady and momentary but Olivia seems relieved I drank it at all. I hand her back the glass, and she leans over the space between me and Nate to put it on the bedside drawer.

Nate's eyes look up to me, smiling softly as I tilt my head.

" stay, would you stay?" I ask, my voice low and tone soft " just until I fell asleep?"

I watch as he looks at Olivia who shrugs her shoulders and then Chuck who smirks and shrugs "I wouldn't say no if it were me."

Noticing the roll of Nate's eyes at Chuck, he rises to his feet — looking at me who looks up at him and his head nods slightly " sure, I'll stay."

My lips curve, I thank Olivia and even Chuck for helping me inside — Olivia kisses my head and tells me to call her tomorrow. Chuck waves from my bedroom door before they both leave.

I look at Nate who I can see taking off his watch and signet ring off his hands and placing them on my vanity. I watch as he peels off the material of his dress shirt and places it messily folded over my shoulder.

The soft glow from the light of the city that never sleeps creates a hue over him.

" you're so pretty." is something I wouldn't verbalise if I wasn't  drunk, but I am so I do. He lets out a soft laugh, looking at me through the mirror of the vanity.

He turns around, walking towards my side of the bed. His hands out for me to take as I stand up, mostly relying on him for support.

He shakes his head at me, trying to suppress a smile " you're drunk." he hums, and I shake my head.

" I'm not lying." I whisper, and he flickers his eyes from whenever he's looking to avoid my eyes to me.

" neither am I." his lips curve a little tighter, he turns around and walks towards my closet.

I don't ask what he's doing, because I know. Because it's the same routine since we were fourteen and he first brought me back home from a party.

A minute later he walks back in holding the strap of a nightdress in his fingers, walking towards me. " same place as always." he hums, almost impressed with himself for remembering.

" this room hasn't changed since I was sixteen." I tell him and he nods, handing the dress out for me " only you." he concludes.

Like always, he turns around, facing towards the wall as I let out a small laugh. Undressing as I disregard my clothes on the floor, pushing them to the side with my foot and placing my nightdress over me.

When I give Nate the green light to turn around, I try not to notice how fast his eyes fall from my face to my body. I try not to blush as I watch as his jaw tenses looking at me.

He doesn't say anything, pulling back the covers of the left side of my bed. Letting me get in before getting in the other side, I watch as he pulls the duvet over his chest.

I lie on my side, gazing at him as he stares straight at the ceiling — I can tell he's trying not to look at me. One arm folded and rested behind his head, the light still splinters against his face.

He's beautiful, so damn beautiful. I feel my lips curve into a smile and the butterflies in my chest rattle around just at the mere sight of him.

"Nate?" I whisper,

I watch as his head turns to me, wether it's subconscious or not the corners of his lips tighten into a smile

"Stells?" he whispers back to me, almost mockingly.

Reaching my hand out, brushing my fingers against his shoulder as I shake my head " I'm sorry too." I tell him.

Watching under the light against his face as his brows furrow, "that night, at the Shepard wedding..." I say and see his face falter slightly.

" after...you know, we agreed to stay friends." I remind him, seemingly to caught up with what else happened that night to remember " and I meant it, I know it's something people just say but I do mean it Nate."

I shuffle on my side " and all I've done is be angry with you, I've been too caught up being...whatever we were, for a second anyway."

tracing my finger up and down his arm " but I want us to try." I tell him.

a small laugh leaves his lips as he changes his position — now fully on his side watching me, holding the hand that was tracing over his arm in his own grasp.

" we haven't been friends since that day in the park." he reminds me, and I hum — feeling a heaviness on my eyelids, feeling them flutter.

And when I wake up, I'm back in the place I belong. In the arms of Nate Archibald.

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