Inspirated by The Loneliest from Måneskin

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"You'll be the saddest part of me"

Pain. It's an interesting concept, isn't it?

Just when you think you've gotten over it, it comes and hits you twice as hard as you thought. For me that was just such a moment. I stood in my apartment at my large glass front and could see almost all of Tokyo; it was already late and the sky was clear, full of stars. A wonderful evening. But for me it was the most terrible evening in the world.

December 23th, that was the date.

So I knew what was coming tomorrow. After everything I did to change things, I couldn't stop this fight. I really tried.

But you know, just like we need food and water, humans need each other.

"A part of me that will never be mine"

So then why does he prefer being alone?

Why does he often run for the hills when he feel the slightest connection?

Why does he feel compelled to always fight the hardest?

Maybe it's because when we find someone or something to hold on to, that feeling becomes like air. And we're terrified we're going to lose it.

And I know, that he is pretty good at the alone thing. But still, i think most things are better when they're shared with someone else.
So why can't he just stay here with me, why does he have to fight when he knew the outcome?

"It's obvious
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"

I didn't know what I could do, was there anything else I could do?

Completely lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice Gojo entering my apartment, I only noticed when he hugged me from behind and buried his head in my shoulder.

Gojo knew what was going on with her and he was sorry. But he couldn't change it, he had to fight, not just for the world or his students, but above all for her, for them both. For all the years he had spent with her now, everything she had sacrificed for him just to save him, he owed it to her to fight for it, even if that was exactly what she wanted to prevent.

"You're still the oxygen I breathe
I see your face when I close my eyes"

Back then, Gojo was 100 percent sure of one thing and that was that he wouldn't fall in love, he couldn't afford it. But all that was thrown away when she entered his life. She turned his life upside down like no one else ever did, not even Suguru. She was the first who didn't see him as the strongest, a weapon, a monster. To her he was just Satoru and that was something Gojo didn't know how to deal with. She revealed sides of him that he didn't know himself.And even though they've never said the three words to each other, he couldn't deny his feelings for her.  She was the part of him that would never be his.

"It's torturous
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"

"How are you? Aren't you tired?"

"I'm fine, I just can't sleep" I sigh and leaned against Gojo, I let my head rest against his, all I wanted was to breathe in his scent and feel his warmth, that was what showed me that he was here and alive.

"There's a few lines that I have wrote"

"Because of tomorrow?"

"In case of death, that's what I want, that's what I want"

"Yes..."

Gojo pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arms completely around her waist and kissed her neck gently.

"You know I have no choice," he whispered and he knew that these words hurt her.

"So don't be sad when I'll be gone
There's just one thing I hope you know, I loved you so"

These words broke something in me and I couldn't hold back anymore, I had to tell him now or I would regret it forever, so I turned to him in his arms and pushed him away from me so that I could look into his eyes. He didn't have his blindfold on this time, which is why his intense gaze hit me even more.

"'Cause I don't even care about the time I've got left here"

"Yes you have, you always have. It's simple, your choice, go and leave or stay, with me. And I know I don't have the right to ask that of you, it's selfish. But Satoru, I love you, in a really, really big, ‘pretend to like your taste in movies, to discussing whether Digimon is better than Pokemon, to let you eat the last piece of my cheesecake, when you think I don't notice, to drag you into the rain just to dance with you in it,’ unfortunate way that makes me hate to not love you. So, stay with me. Choose me. Love me.”

When I finally revealed my feelings towards him, tears ran down my cheeks.

"The only thing I know now is that I wanna spend it
With you, with you nobody else here
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"

Gojo couldn't believe what she was saying. She loved him. She wanted him, only him. Not the strongest, not the heir to the Gojo clan, she just wanted Satoru. It was like a dream, a dream that he hoped he would never wake up from. Gojo knew there was only one thing he could do at that moment, he held her cheeks with both hands and pulled her towards him to kiss her.

Time seemed to stand still, only this moment counts, only this kiss. I wrapped my arms around Gojo's neck and pulled him even closer to me. I wish this moment would never end, I wish it would last.

"You'll be the saddest part of me
A part of me that will never be mine"

But too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And this moment was no different, I knew that, but still, i didn't want to let go.

"It's obvious
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"

Gojo slowly pulled away from her and stared into her eyes with a look that said more than a thousand words. I knew it, I knew that this didn't change anything. He wouldn't choose me, that wouldn't be Gojo. He would leave, leaving me behind.

"You're still the oxygen I breathe
I see your face when I close my eyes"

"I love you. You have no idea how much but I have to go. I have to put an end to this, I promise you, I will come back to you. I will win" as he made this promise Gojo looked at her with confidence, He was serious and would keep his promise to her.

I looked to the ground and sighed. Liar. If he were honest with himself he would know that he had lied to her, he wouldn't come back. This was their last night together, and even though they were here toghter, this night felt the loneliest than ever.

"It's torturous
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"

"Don't make promises you can't keep" I whispered, it hurt, I couldn't look at him so I kept looking at the floor.

Gojo sighed and pulled her onto the sofa in the living room. He sat down and pulled her onto his lap, he played absentmindedly with her hair.

"I'm sorry but I gotta go
If you'll ever miss me give this song another go" 

"Do you remember the moment when I finally believed that you weren't from this world?" I now looked up at him in surprise and he looked at me with a smile so gentle and loving that it made my heart beat a lot faster. His hand, which had been playing with my hair, now moved to my cheek and stroked it gently.

"Yes, you stood in front of my door, completely soaked from the rain and fell to your knees in front of me." I still remembered that moment very well, as if it had happened yesterday, it had been ages ago, and back then, he had shocked me with this action. Who would have thought that the great Gojo Satoru would kneel in front of me and look at me as if I were an angel from heaven, no one has ever looked at me the way he had looked at me in that moment.

"And I just keep on thinking how you made me feel better"    

"Yes, and do you remember what I said to you back then?" Gojo looked at her lost in thought. That was the moment when he was completely broken for the first time in his life. He had accepted the truth and the only thing he could hope for from her was mercy. Her mercy was all he needed, all he wanted. That was the moment that changed everything for him.

"You said...I would be your salvation," I said quietly and Gojo pulled my face even closer to his, our lips were only a few millimeters apart.

"And all the crazy little things that we did together
In the end, in the end, it doesn't matter"

"Yes and that hasn't changed to this day. You are my salvation. That's why, no matter how the fight turns out, you have already redeemed me. And yet, I will come back. Because this time it is you that I am returning to" with these words he kissed her again and again I lost myself in him, again he let all my thoughts revolve around him.

"Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"

Love is something fascinating. It has many facets and colors. Sometimes it shines brighter than the sun, burns stronger than any fire. But sometimes it goes down, sometimes the fire is put out.

"You'll be the saddest part of me
A part of me that will never be mine"  

It's not always fair but there's nothing you can do other than let it happen.

"It's obvious
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"

I loved Satoru Gojo and Satoru Gojo loved me, but that wasn't enough, at least not enough for this life, I knew that and yet, for me there would only be him even if there would never be a we.

"You're still the oxygen I breathe
I see your face when I close my eyes"

Because In the end we discover that to love and to let go can sometimes be the same thing.

"It's torturous
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest"