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Investment.

Without knowing where, I walk away. To the fresh air, away from the heat and steam, from misunderstandings and people...My feet bring me to the nearest door, which creaks open into the courtyard of the temple.

Silence.

It's long past midnight. There's a lawn with flower beds in the courtyard, and several sun loungers where you're supposed to bask in the warmth at sunset, which has long passed, so no one is interested in the place. Perfect.

Taking in a lungful of fresh air, trying to get rid of my headache--shivering as a gust of night wind sweeps over my skin numbed after hot water--I finally wrap a towel around my hips. I'd have to go back inside to get my clothes, through the hall full of people, past Loretto, and I'm not ready for that. I need to clear my thoughts first. So, having covered as much of my body as possible with my lone towel and hiding from the wind behind the sun loungers, I plop down on the grass tickling my feet.

...investment.

My face is burning after drinking too much wine, cotton haze in my head, and despite the chill creeping over my hands, I just want to close my eyes and forget myself. Relax and fall asleep. Wait out all the problems in oblivion.

Usually, when I don't understand something, it makes me angry. I start to feel like an idiot, and it makes me feel ashamed of myself, and the only emotion strong enough to battle that shame is anger. And...yes, I should probably be angry. At my mentor--for all the secrets that fae still keeps from me. At Maricela--for her incessant attempts to unsettle me. At myself! For the fact that instead of trying to fix something, I always find excuses to do nothing.

But I am not angry.

Perhaps, that's why people drink? Not for fun, not for the taste--there's nasty bitterness in my mouth still--but for this haze in their heads.

I only had a glass, but if I had a bottle? Two? I would've definitely been sleeping carelessly here among the lilies and barberries by now, feeling neither doubt nor cold. Shivering again, I breathe at my palms, rubbing them quickly and trying to get at least some warmth. But I still don't want to leave. Not back to people. The stars above my head seem much more compassionate right now.

...investment.

Most likely, this is another of my infantile excuses, but I just don't believe that Tayen can consider me a soulless investment. An investment in what, really? I'll take a break and go back and ask. Loretto has an explanation for everything.

Because there is no other way. Because we can't quarrel again. Because if I admit that Loretto is lying to me, then I'll have to admit that I've never actually had a true friend. That no one has ever believed in me. And then I will stop believing in myself, too.

No, it's better to die in a sweet deception than to drag out a miserable existence alone.

Still rubbing my freezing hands, I hear the door open. I don't turn around, I don't hear anyone enter, not a single rustle or step, but then I feel the ground vibrate faintly when someone sits down behind me. Someone else's back touches mine.

"I thought Maricela wouldn't dare approach us so openly," Loretto says quietly. "I suppose I should explain myself now."

Loretto's back barely touches mine, just a little, around the spine protruding on my hunched back, but I still feel that Loretto's skin is much hotter than mine and exactly as I imagined it to be. Velvety-soft. Well, I wasn't wrong here, at least.

When I don't answer, Loretto continues. "Yes, according to what I said to the Council, you were an investment, Eli. An investment in... I don't know what. In the bright shamanic future, or the long-lasting rule of Ixchel, or the complete destruction of the plainbloods, probably. This was the first thing that came to my mind to convince the pompous turkey Tikhon, and he probably wanted to hear something like that." Loretto pauses. "And...to be honest, it was also my idea to make you an apprentice. And to offer myself as your teacher, too."

The night helps clear my head, but slowly and reluctantly, and when I start to speak, my voice is still sluggish like my thoughts. "Why?"

"Because otherwise, you would have just been executed, or something worse would have been done to you. They wouldn't even try to figure out who you were. Or maybe even after my words they would have executed you if you hadn't turned out to be Montejo." Loretto laughs, humorous. "Consider yourself born under a lucky star, huh?"

I look up at the star-spattered sky. Well, which one of them is lucky? All twinkle equally, proud, unattainable, indifferent. So unreachable that my life seems tiny to me, insignificant, unworthy of any effort. And I still don't have the strength to be angry. Why get angry at all, hurry somewhere, be afraid, hope if no matter what I do, the stars will stay indifferent?

Nothing will ever change.

"You probably don't remember, but we saw each other even before you were handcuffed in the lobby of the Great Temple," Loretto adds. My mentor's voice doesn't sound drunk and indifferent. On the contrary, it's confident and firm, even though a little rough as if Loretto doesn't like to remember that. "I guess you didn't see me. You were dragged around the square too quickly when you were caught, and you didn't look at the people around you much. And I only managed to catch a glimpse of you, but that happened to be enough for you to remind me of an old friend of mine. The same boldness in your gaze, the same stubborn strength...the same blue eyes."

"My eyes are the color of swamp."

"No, they're blue. With a grayish green tint, of course, but when the sky is reflected in your eyes, they are blue, Eli. And just as bottomless."

Tayen's warm back pulls away from mine, making me shiver again. Loretto turns, sitting half-sideways at my shoulder, looking at me with a sad spark in faer eyes.

"That friend of mine died, Eli. That's the truth. He died because of me. He told me to run when everything turned to shit, and it was easier for me to cowardly believe that there was no other way out instead of staying and trying to save him. And now imagine--you appear, and the sudden thought comes to my mind. What if this is a sign? What if fate gives me a chance to amend my mistake and save you for him?"

Shaking faer head, Loretto looks away.

"I'm not telling you all this because it doesn't matter anymore," fae says. "Because in the end, you turned out to be completely different from the person I once knew. Because here and now, I like you the way you are, and I want to live in the present, not the past. Don't be angry, please, Eli."

Loretto also thinks I should be angry. Why am I not angry?

Taking my eyes off the sky, looking at Loretto more closely, I now realize that my mentor followed me out, too, without even wiping a drop of water from faer shoulders. And faer hair is still wet, the tips gleaming wetly in the night. Loretto, like me, is wearing only a towel, but there is not even a hint of trembling in faer body.

It's strange, but as I think about it, I'm not that cold anymore, either; my heart seemed to speed up a little, making the blood in my veils rush faster, warming, awakening. Apparently, this is some kind of magic that I have not yet comprehended. A shaman can't afford to let faerself and faer student freeze, right?

"I trust you, you know that, right?" I ask for some reason. "I trust you as much as I have never trusted anyone in my life."

A long moment passes in silence, and then Loretto puts faer hand on my forearm, squeezing me lightly, thoughtfully, as if in confirmation of something, and without looking up at me, faer says, "I won't run away."

My lips tighten. This is not the answer I expected. I didn't expect to hear an answer at all, but Loretto's words confuse me now. Why...why do you have to run away from me?

What my mentor once said to Ian suddenly comes to my mind. I never stay in one place for long, even when I'm needed. So it was true, too? What did Tayen have to go through before returning to Cabrakan?

"I still don't know anything about your life outside the walls of Tik'al, Loretto. Someday you'll have to tell me your story."

"Not today, Eli. Tonight already turned out to be lousy, and this is a bad story, almost everyone is dead there. And...I also don't know what you are like outside the walls of Tik'al."

"They gave you my file."

"A file is not a person," Loretto repeats my argument.

A teacher who quotes their student is something new to me. Are we finally starting to understand each other? My head gradually stops buzzing, but the feeling of relaxed serenity remains in my soul, blazing somewhere in my chest like stars in the dark, and I want it to go on forever. Peace may not be joy, but it feels right. Sincere. Reliable.

After a moment, I chuckle. "Well, to begin with, I can say that my file hardly says that all my life I feel out of place everywhere. Like a black sheep."

Snorting, Loretto seems to be amused. "Someone else would have said that it means to have a personality. Or do you think it's different for others? Do you think I feel like I belong?"

"You are a swan among ugly ducklings."

"It's just another name for a black sheep."

I don't object, just wrinkle my forehead meaningfully, making it clear that I disagree, and Loretto sourly smiles. Fae thinks about something for a moment, hesitates, and then suddenly lies down on faer back and stretches out on the grass, faer head at my hip.

Putting one hand under the back of faer head, and toying with the grass with the fingers of the other hand, Tayen is silent again for a long time.

"Come on, Eli, I know how I look from the outside." The moon is reflected in Tayen's pupils as they turn towards the sky. "I do not like and do not see the point in small talks, and because of this, everyone sees only dry arrogance in me. I won't be able to assemble a watch without you, and I won't be able to do anything without magic, and my apartment is a complete mess. Unlike yours, my shoulders aren't strong enough to pass for a warrior gentleman, but I can't be a lady either, because my Adam's apple sticks out. My arms are skinny, my eyebrows are asymmetrical. And in a robe, with my waist-long hair, some people don't even understand what gender I am. They don't understand which category of people to put me in so they don't know what to expect from me and how to treat me. When people don't understand, they get angry, scared, or, at best, just hide from me away. And even though standing out seems to have become fashionable lately, if you go just a hundred years back...no one needs such an awkward employee, much less a friend." Loretto stops picking at the blades of grass and squints at me. "You would have earned a lot more love."

Love... me? Can't do anything without magic? Well, I can't do anything with magic either. Skinny arms? Don't understand how to treat you?.. Confusion overwhelms me completely.

I look at my mentor lying down on the grass next to me again, frown again, and I think I overreacted. No, we don't understand each other at all. Do we even live in the same world? Or is Loretto's mirror enchanted to show the worst?

What is there misunderstand? All these chiseled curves of faer body, a flat stomach, heaving with every breath, and a belly button teasingly peeking out from under the edge of the towel, shining eyes, cheeks, lips... Look--and marvel.

Loretto's hands are not skinny, but graceful, flexible, slender. Eyebrows? Well, who has symmetrical ones? Adam's apple? My gaze automatically moves to Loretto's neck, to the Adam's apple, which--I can see even under the ribbon--trembles when Tayen swallows. It trembles so beautifully...

A terrible thought comes to my mind next.

I'm comparing myself to everyone around me, and it seems to me that others don't compare, others look like they know what they want, declare it confidently, walk firmly, make right decisions, but...I also constantly pretend that I know what I'm aiming for; if I stop pretending--I'll get lost. Maybe I look confident from the outside, too? But even if such a perfection in my eyes as Loretto secretly feels like an outcast...

"But no matter how hard you try," Loretto continues, guessing exactly what I'm thinking now, "you can't please everyone. They keep saying you have to be unique, but they keep saying it exactly as long as you fit into their world. In reality, uniqueness is lonely. No one wants to be special, everyone just wants to be the best version of the world's current standards...But whose standards are those, huh? And why would I dress differently or change something about myself if I don't fit into other people's lives? Maybe I don't want to be to everyone's taste--after all, I'm not greenhouse corn."

Not knowing where to put myself, after looking around and making sure that no one is nearby, I also lower my back to the ground, settling down side by side with Loretto. The grass pricks my neck as I lie, but the ground is warm and soft, and now only the sky is in front of my eyes.

The sky seems so vast and all-encompassing when you look at it like that. There's only the sky in the world. And only Loretto and me under it. And it feels like everything is possible in this starry infinity.

"Most people are probably idiots," I say when Tayen stops talking. "And unhappy ones. They hide behind their honest opinions in order to take out their dissatisfaction with their own lives on others. You don't listen to them anyway, Loretto, and you're right in doing so. The happy ones share their happiness with us, and the unhappy ones can only share their unhappiness. So it's logical that the ones who feel flawed will find a flaw everywhere. Prove that someone else is worse than you are, and you automatically become better." And at least for a moment, you don't feel like an outcast.

But what kind of masochist do you have to be to purposefully seek out what you don't like?

Silence.

"Are you drunk?"

"Ah? What?" Alarmed, I turn my head, but Loretto has a grin on faer lips.

"Wine? You stole another glass when you came out here, Eli? You don't usually share your wise thoughts."

"You're a bad influence on me, Mentor," I say. It sounds so ironic that Loretto starts laughing. And really, isn't it funny? Mentor? There is no mentor and there has never been. Loretto and I have always been friends, we have always lay side by side under the sky and just made everything else up. We're just two people laughing in the dark because nothing is more important than the present moment.

We are the happy ones.

"No, people are smart," Loretto continues.

Still toying with the grass, Loretto's fingers brush against my arm. Fleetingly and most likely by accident, and I barely feel the touch, but this only makes it resonate more strongly inside me. It's like something forbidden, unattainable, and therefore desirable.

"The problem is, everyone is smart in their own way, Eli, and this their own way does not always go together with the others. Everyone has their own experience, their own life, their own truth. We're like pieces of a broken puzzle, and it's frustrating. We are trying to put the picture together, figure the pattern, the meaning of life, but it seems to be missing. So we have no other option but to imagine the missing pieces. And when something has already been imagined by someone a long time ago, when the rule is established, the stereotype is created... it cannot be violated. Otherwise the meaning of life will disappear again. And the unknown hides danger. It scares everyone. It scares me."

"You're scared of something?"

"Of everything. Aren't you?"

"But you're a shaman, Loretto. Almost the most experienced on the earth. Not with magic, but with cunning, you can defeat anyone."

"Anyone, maybe. Everyone at once? No."

Silence falls. I keep looking at the sky, trying to find the hidden meaning in Loretto's words, but nothing comes to my mind.

I want to say something, but I don't have the right words. Let's stay here forever. Let's not think about anything. There will be no problems...We will always be happy...

"And what would you prefer, Eli?" Loretto suddenly asks after long minutes, when I almost forget what we were talking about. I'm almost starting to believe that I can really enjoy the moment forever.

"Hmm?"

"Well, everyone has their own truth, you should have it, too." Loretto's fingers are running over my arm again, light as the wind. "I'm curious. What would you prefer? If I were a gentleman or a lady? Which version of me would you like?"

"None," I blurt out as if in excuse, before I have time to think.

Both, my inner voice reproachfully corrects.

Loretto's hand pulls away from mine.

Tayen doesn't ask anything else, doesn't say, silence stretches again, and I feel wrong again. For some reason, it seems to me that the spark in Loretto's eyes fades at this moment. But what was I supposed to say? No matter how hard I try, I still feel like a black sheep who did something wrong. I've no idea how to unlearn this feeling.

To get rid of the uncomfortable silence, to discuss at least something, the first thing that comes to my mind is an attempt to make a joke. "I've never thought that someone would be able to drag me into a public place without my pants."

It works.

Loretto chuckles, albeit a little off-key.

"I'm sorry, Eli. It didn't occur to me that you wouldn't immediately guess the local...customs. But I can tell you that you blush is cute when you're nervous."

"It's not cute, it's terrible. All the emotions are on my face, and everyone can see them. And we'll yet have to see how you react once I pull you out of your comfort zone."

"My? Everything has been in my comfort zone for a long time by now." A proud note creeps into Loretto's voice. "It's impossible to throw me off balance."

"I'm sure I'll find something."

"You won't."

"I'll find it!"

"No."

"Kiss me?"

Silence reigns. Heavy, unbearable, inexplicable.

Loretto doesn't answer, and I instantly curse myself, but I can't even squeeze out an apology--it feels like hot iron has been poured over my tongue. Why did I say that? Where did the idea come from?! Under the stars, it is no longer serene, they seem to be mockingly blinking in the night now.

Now, Loretto is going to get angry. Fae will tell me to fuck off again...Go kiss Ian, fae will tell me. You all see the world in stereotypes, only think about one thing, fae will say. Or maybe Loretto will laugh? Yes, let fae laugh...This is a joke! Not funny, but a joke. All my jokes are like that.

However, Loretto is not angry or laughing.

I'm still lying on my back on the grass, barely breathing, waiting for my verdict, and instead of it, instead of the mocking stars, Tayen suddenly appears before my eyes. Rising up, with faer one hand against the ground next my temple, Loretto looms over me and looks me straight in the eye. There is no laughter or anger on faer face, on faer serious, thoughtful, slightly worried face opposite mine.

My heart goes crazy under my ribs.

Without saying a word, Loretto runs faer gaze over my features, eyes lingering on my lips for a split second and then meeting my stare again as if looking for something, waiting. Apparently, fae's waiting for my cute blush once again as I get scared and take back my words?

But I can do nothing but breathe, breathe, breathe--and even breathing is suddenly difficult, because my heart is pounding fast as if about to jump out of my throat if I dare to open my mouth.

And so I keep my mouth shut.

I'm silent, with some kind of trembling fear that I don't fully understand yet, watching as Loretto's long moon-silvered hair falls around us. As shadows outline the curves of the upturned corners of Loretto's eyes, as faer Adam's apple shudders again, and faer lips open as though Tayen is about to say something.

And no matter what my mentor thinks, fae is so beautiful...These clear, brilliant eyes, high cheekbones, a tiny mole on faer cheek.

When Loretto leans closer, looking at my lips again, my chest burns. I can't even breathe now. The heat runs all over my body, my chest ablaze, my head spinning.

We are so close I can feel Loretto's breath, the aroma of wine, on my lips. So close I can easily wrap Loretto in my arms, press faer against my whole body...tightly, shamelessly because we don't even have any clothes on.

Why it's so hot...

And scary. Because what's going on? Loretto can't mean anything serious by breathing onto my lips. No, no one has ever been serious about my lips. Playing along? Yes, probably. Fae wants to prove to me that there really is nothing that can throw faer off balance.

But why is everything burning so much inside me?

I just have to wait, I tell myself, swallowing my nervousness. Wait, and Loretto will burst out laughing and turn away. Fae'll turn away! And if... not? My heart is beating so loudly in the silence of the night, and Tayen still doesn't take faer eyes off my mouth.

What if Loretto really kisses me now? What if... I like it? But it's not real, it's a joke. And if I like it for real...

"Stop!" Before Loretto can touch my lips with faers, I twist away.

Pushing my mentor aside with my shoulder, I roll over, on my side, on the grass, try to find balance, try to get up, but my arms and legs are shaking. When I finally manage to somehow climb onto my knees, and then rise to my feet, everything inside is still burning, I'm shaking.

"I... just... We..." I don't know how to explain it.

Loretto remains seated, frozen and staring up at me with a stunned, detached expression on faer face as if I really have to explain everything. And I do not know how to explain! And the towel on my hips has slipped off while I was getting up. I manage to catch it the very last moment before it flies off.

"It's late," is all that comes out of my mouth in a weak whisper. "Good night."

And burning with panic from inside out, I run away.

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