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I'm exhausted and cold when I walk out of the temple again. It's a strange sort of coldness, because my body doesn't feel it under the sun. It only feels empty.

Redundant.

I realize that's almost the same as I felt when Kofi's father died, when I was shocked and frustrated and filled with the sense of injustice, when it seemed something important was ripped out of my life.

I couldn't really formulate what it was back then, when I was small, but now I think it was the lack of meaning itself. The world has to have meaning, right? And what meaning does death have, except for leaving you alone halfway in life? Lacking someone you can never have back. Maybe death is supposed to teach that life is precious? But I didn't feel like my life was precious after that, it felt...empty. Ma said I wasn't talking to anyone for a month after that.

Redundant.

Dispirited, I pause by a babbling fountain, in a small lush grove at the crossroads. It's a real, recently built fountain, with water, not aura, and the air around it is moist and sparking with rainbows in the prism of the sun. Did Loretto feel the same when faer family died? Faer whole family. Faer whole world.

Putting the laundry basket on the marble, I drop to sit next to it, throwing off my boots and turning around to push my feet into the fountain. The chilly water gives me goosebumps. This is not right to feel all this, then. Loretto must be right at pushing everyone away.

Surprisingly, but through this cold numbness, I now feel extremely focused. Empty and focused. Some say feelings are nature's malfunction, and maybe they're right? All the expectations we don't live up to, all the pain and wars--they happen because of our feelings. But learn to conquer them, cage them, tame them like magic, and you become invincible. That's how you survive for two centuries and become the third most powerful shaman in Cabracan. That's how you become an empress and rule for over four centuries. Be apathetically invincible so nobody can hurt you, especially your heart that can trick you into hurting yourself.

Redundant.

But...I almost convince myself of all that, but then another thought enters my mind as I tap my heels against the marble underwater. If you feel nothing, how can you feel the very need to fight and survive at all? Rancor coils in my stomach. They all but lie about redundancy. I must be too far gone, because I can't cage my temper any longer, and instead of staying cold and focused, I shove the basket with all the strength my forearm can manage.

The water splashes my face, startling me. The basket falls into the fountain and Loretto's laundry scatters over the surface, beginning to sink. One of the towels ends up left on the sitting beside me, and I glance at it, I realize it looks suspiciously clean. And there were no Loretto's clothes in the basket, really, let alone underwear; it's but towels and pillowcases, all clean and barely crumpled as though Loretto grabbed the first things fae saw in the closet to throw at me. To drive my face out of faer sight without actually demeaning.

No emotions, Your Cocky Grace? My temper blazes. Why wouldn't you say all the shit you told Ian to me in the face, then? Do you have a feeling you'd fail and say you need me instead?

Jumping to my feet, I stomp on the sinking towels, pinning them to the fountain's bottom. A couple of plainblood servants passing by the fountain give a weird look, but instead of asking where the laundry building--which I still haven't found--is, I show them my middle finger to scare them away.

That's why you shouldn't have a teacher who looks your age, I think as I keep making the mess out of previously clean fabrics, a little more satisfied now as it looks just as worthless as Loretto made me feel. Because such bastards are annoyingly good at making you believe you can understand them and then taking that belief away!

And maybe age is just the opposite of a blessing? Surely, experience makes you wiser and stronger, but what about your weaknesses? Your quirks and angers and fears grow bigger as well. You can be a shy, lonely teenager with a dead family and broken heart when you're eighteen, but when you spend your eighteen's year of life of that misery again and again for two centuries? You're a shattered vase, pretending to be glued together. You become obsessed with your loneliness, cherishing it like a dragon its gold, pushing your friends away, growing stiff and frigid and dreading changes like fire. Because changes can hurt even more, right? And so far, you've already survived with your glue.

I don't want to survive.

I wanna feel alive!

I need a friend.

Just as I think of that, from the corner of my eye, I notice someone watching me from the road. Why can't the empress's spies just leave me alone for a moment? My pants soaked to my knees, I stop trampling and look up.

Not a spy.

"What are you doing?" Yaling asks, signing, her mentee's bracelet dangling with every movement. Unlike me, she seems to be in a good mood and merely quizzical.

"Meditating," I say and sign the first thing that comes to my mind. If the universe indeed works in mysterious ways and the magic in my veins makes the universe answer to my wishes instantly now, this is not what I wanted. A friend, meaning Loretto, not someone else. "Helps dealing with suppressed emotions."

"Hmm." I'm not sure if Yaling is buying my explanation or just playing along, but she nods, her expression musing. "I should try it someday."

With all my heart, I wish Yaling to leave now, but the universe must be a joker, because Yaling approaches the fountain instead.

"Since I already met you, maybe you'll like this." Pulling a stack of fliers out of her jeans pocket, she hands me one, and hides the rest of them back in the pocket. "I started a book club, and everyone's welcome to join. We gather at the fruit temple on the eastern side of Tik'al every Tuesday, discuss interests, play games...aurabloods and plainbloods alike. Your family are plainbloods, so you must like the sense of unity, right, Elisey? Jaya says she's not a club person, but Gen and Ian will be there. Don't get me wrong, I don't hang out with plainbloods, but they were patrolling the area nearby last time, and we exchanged a few words and they seemed okay, so I invited them. Plus, I've heard plainbloods are so modest when it comes to discussing nudity, it'll be fun to make them flush, right?" She pauses, alarm crossing her features for a second. "Oh. You a plainblood by birth...Sorry. But you're not like the rest of them, right? Aura must've been in your veins since birth, you must've felt so lonely and confused among those powerless lowbrows--I can't even imagine. Anyway, come. And you oughta meet the new girl, what's her name..." Yaling beams at remembering. "Maricela! Oh, she's so fun."

Still standing in the cool water, I frown at Yaling's flier I've accepted, its glossy letters shining in the sunlight. I don't even know where to begin. Shock Yaling, telling her that her new girl Maricela is our one and only Empress Ixchel, since she clearly hasn't revealed her identity to Yaling as she revealed it to me? But that's not my secret, not my problem. And if the empress wants to play games, so be it. Less time to spy on me. Or just say that I can't look in Ian's eyes after today? Or ask why the hell Yaling got to know guards?

Before I can invent a polite refusal, Yaling adds, "The next meeting's theme is the representation of porn in medieval art."

I blink, wondering if I misinterpreted her signs, but as she repeats it letter by letter, I realize there's no mistake. That's a weirdly specific theme. "Why?" Yaling always seemed to me kinda nerdy, but I now remember Jaya saying something about Yaling being sent away to study here, because of some obscene scandal at her home enclave.

"What do you mean why? Why not? We're not granny's handicraft gathering, we discuss important stuff. And I like art, so last time we talked about the influence of mental health on artists' works, and this time--it's the representation of porn."

"But how's porn important?"

Yaling gives me a look. 'Tell me you never watched it."

My cheeks itch with warmth. "Define watch."

"Oh, come on, Elisey. Isn't the theme obvious? First, it's one of the oldest themes in art with a rich history, giving us the chance to study human nature. Second, let's be honest, our folks don't teach us shit, only shame for showing interest in lovemaking when we grow up and explore the world, and then one day, you wake up and they ask, Hey, when do we get grandchildren? As if we're supposed to draw them with pencils like a school picture for Parents' Day. Don't you think passion is a vital part of life, worthy of learning? You need to know how to do things the proper way, without getting someone hurt or accidentally pregnant, and how to enjoy yourself in the process." She thinks for a beat. "Do you know, for one, that sex is a source of happy hormones, like delicious food or dancing or laughing? Plus, it's a good exercise for your health. So--instead of using such a powerful thing, people shame make it a taboo? It's unforgivable!"

"Maybe taboos exist for a reason." Like one saying you shouldn't befriend your shaman teacher.

Yaling waves her hand dismissively. "Yeah, for an idiotic reason for little children and people who don't use their brains. Who think depressions aren't real, the sun dies every night and gets reborn every morning, and women can't sit in speeding trains because their uteruses would fly out of their vaginas." As I grimace, she nods. "Go read some history. It was all once believed to be true. Plus, if it wasn't a taboo everyone deep in their hearts finds so alluring to break, maybe people would've known themselves better and done fewer mistakes and therefore less harm when they finally get to try everything and everywhere at once. Everything craves balance."

"I'll think about it," is all I manage in response. Only now, as I stand still, and wet towels drift around me, I notice Ian's aura ring at the bottom of the fountain. I glance at Yaling, but she hasn't noticed it yet to start asking questions. Discreetly edging toward it, I step on the ring to hide it. "Thanks for the invitation."

Yaling smiles proudly. Then adds, "And can you, please, don't invite your mentor?"

Her request sounds unobtrusive, yet purposeful, and it makes me suspicious. "Why can't I invite Loretto?" Because Maricela asked? Then maybe I should go to spy on her for once. I can't really tell when she's having fun and when she's plotting another murder. Is there even a difference for her? Or maybe Yaling is the one who killed Valto, following Maricela's orders--that's why they suddenly play friends. This thought pulls at my stomach. She's the last person to blame yet she was at the Postulant House when Valto was killed and couldn't hear anything. Convenient, right? And then she's hanging out with Gen and Ian, because they know me and Cale and, potentially, Cale's plans. A great way to spy without actually spying and then telling Maricela at the silly book club.

Yaling hasn't expected me to ask, and dismay knits her brows. "Well...you know...don't get me wrong, I just don't trust Tayen. Fae might be a talented magician and a great teacher, but as a person...People say things. Nobody really knows about your mentor's life, and fae always keeps to faerself? That's not normal."

Not normal is that you're describing Maricela, I think. She's merely better at pretending to be normal.

When Yaling finally leaves, I fish the aura ring out of the fountain and slip it into my pocket. Glancing around the mess I've made, feeling agitated with all my new thoughts now, I begin to gather soaked towels back into the basket. It's unfair that people don't want to be friends with Loretto, is it? And Loretto doesn't want to be friends with me. As though balancing this unfairness. But the most disappointing part is, except for Valto's derisive jokes once, people don't even allow the idea that there can be any feelings between Loretto and I, that we could be anything more than two weirdoes barely bearing each other's company because of the mentorship. Maybe that's good, because then Maricela also won't think we team up against her, but...why can't we be friends in people's eyes?

Am I the one who looks shallow and deceptive? Or Loretto? Both?

Redundant.

Once again, I remember Loretto's advice about befriending your heart and not letting faers dictate your actions. But that's not we're doing by avoiding each other, are we? I agree, of course, that relationships are complicated. I myself haven't seen anyone happy about it--my parents divorced, Ariane hides the fact that she dates a shaman, and Cale fights with his fiancée endlessly...People either hurt you, or misunderstand and therefore hurt you. The only person happy about his relationships I know is Kofi--who never searches for anything more, who lives in the moment, who falls in love with a new person every night and never grieves over falling out of that love in the morning.

I can't lead my life like a party like Kofi, can't be apathetic and play people like chess game like Maricela, hiding her true self from everyone--and maybe herself? Neither of that works for me. And I can't keep to myself like Loretto.

I need something...more.

Now, Yaling's words strike differently. Everything craves balance. But not just taboos. What about the time spent by yourself and the time with the loved ones? What about comfort zone and freedom? Even love and hatred. I've had plenty of hatred for shamans--if it was meant to teach me something...well, I'm ready for some love, whatever it might mean.

Yes.

Hastily gathering the soaked, dirtied pillowcases and towels from the fountain back into the basket, I set out in search of the laundry quarters again, motivated now. When the same plainblood servants who scared away with my middle finger an hour earlier walk past the fountain again, I ask them where the laundry building is. They glower at me and I can feel they want to show me the same sign now, too. But they don't, only point the right direction and silently leave.

I know what I need now. If Loretto doesn't want our friendship anymore--fine, I can deal with that. But I need fae to say it, I need to know that Loretto knows that I do need it. And if it makes me look weak and vulnerable and shallow, so be it. At least, I've befriended my heart.

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