CHAPTER TWO
high as hope

Lyssa is undoing the buttons of her red kefta when she walks into the training area. It's nearly vacant safe for Botkin, who is doing warm-up drills with himself. Aside from the rule of no Grisha powers, they'd also agreed that Lyssa would train with both — standard Grisha uniform and thus with her kefta, and without. Today was one of the without days.

"Good morning, Botkin." Lyssa calls out as she puts her kefta over one of the various training equipments. One of the dummies in human form.

Botkin pauses in his movement and turns around to her. Surveying her for a moment. "Good morning, Lyssa." Considering Lyssa was only a handful years his junior and they'd had trained together for years at this point, they had eventually dropped the formal addressing. "Although you're late."

Lyssa only shrugs at the stern look he sends her. "Someone needed to talk to me." She points out as she makes her way to him.

He only gives her another scrutinizing look. "Let's start with the warmup."

Right. Warm up, then a run before they began their combat training.

"You know," Lyssa says half an hour later when they have returned from their run. She's breathing heavily as they take their stance across from each other for the first exercise. "We didn't have a Botkin back in my day. It probably would've saved a lot of lives."

She doesn't know if she's ever said it out loud. If she has, she doesn't remember.

But she truly means it. Lyssa found that, since they'd had put Botkin, someone who himself was not Grisha, as the Grisha instructor, it had been different. Their education in combat had always been something that their teachers took seriously, but with Botkin it was a different angle. Until Botkin, they'd always had Grisha instructors.

Lyssa had never seen it as a bad thing until Botkin had arrived. Had never thought that their powers might one day hold them back. But they did. If Grisha grew up relying on their powers all their lives, if they ever ended up in a situation where they were unable to access them, they were helpless.

Many Grisha her age had learned that particular lesson the hard way.

Botkin lets out a rough laugh. "Flattery will not make me go easy on you, girl."

Another one who insistently called her girl. He'd be in good company with Baghra and Zasha.

Genuinely, Lyssa has no idea what in the world makes every one of her long-term instructors call her a girl when she's finished her school and formal education over fifteen years ago.

Lyssa only shrugs, giving him a grin. "Who says I want you to go easy on me, old man?"

If Botkin calls her girl, she'll damn well return the favor.

A wicked grin spreads across Botkin's lips. "Maybe I've been too lenient with you if that's what you think."

Lyssa grins back. "We'll see."

🕊🦂🕊🦂

That evening, Lyssa is at last sitting in the domed hall, having dinner. For the entire hour before she arrived here, her stomach has been grumbling but only now had her workload allowed her to stop for the day.

She'd never admit it out loud, but her entire body is aching with the memory of her training earlier today. Like it did every time she trained with Botkin. But, still, Lyssa went every chance she got. Never again would she get into a situation she was not properly prepared for. A situation that her education here had lacked preparing her for.

Because their education did lack in aspects. And Lyssa would do her damnest to fill those holes herself if she had to.

"How are you on this fine evening?" A voice asks from behind her, and Lyssa draws up her eyebrows up at the positive, melodic tone of it.

"Fine." Lyssa says as she looks over her shoulder to see Irina letting herself fall down in the seat to her left, a heaping plate of dinner in her hands. "A little exhausted."

Lyssa's nose wrinkles slightly when she sees her friend starting to devour it — including the two large pieces of herring in the middle of the plate.

Irina lets out a snort. "You're looking like I'm eating intestines right in front of you."

"I'm pretty sure intestines taste better." Lyssa remarks as she turns back to her own plate.

Irina only rolls her eyes at the remark, used to Lyssa's distaste for fish. "You do look a little tired," her friend points out, her dark eyes narrowing on her. "Did you have many classes today?"

"No, only one." Lyssa replies before she eats a piece of potatoes. "But I did have training with Botkin earlier today."

"Ah. That'll solve the mystery." Irina pauses, giving her that same look again. "But seriously, how are you?"

Lyssa can almost hear the unspoken words hanging in the air between them and stiffens slightly. "I'm fine." She repeats and, with a glance to Irina adds, "I really am."

"If you say so." Irina slowly replies. "But you know, if you want to talk..."

She lets the rest of her sentence trail off and Lyssa lets out a shallow breath through her nose. "I know." She says softly. And she does.

They'd never make a secret out of their grief, shared or individual. Lyssa just preferred not to talk about her ghosts, especially this particular one.

"How was your day?" She asks after a moment of silent eating.

Irina nods. "Good. I had three classes today."

Like Lyssa, Irina had ended up becoming a teacher at their school in the Little Palace after serving in the Second Army for a few years. But, unlike Lyssa, who still went on missions when she was needed, Irina had decided to devote herself entirely to teaching.

Lyssa couldn't blame her. She understood the need to get away from the war and the fighting. It was what had brought her back to the Little Palace all those years ago. In a sense, it was also what had led Alexei and Zorah to take up more remote positions around Ravka - the last of which had been just north of Ulensk, near the border to Fjerda.

She pauses, hesitating before she sends her friend a glance. "Have you heard from them?"

Irina shakes her head. "No. Not since the letter three weeks ago."

Three weeks. That was longer than they'd ever gone without writing them. Lyssa frowns, worrying her lower lips as she goes over and over what news she can remember of the north. There'd been a handful attacks, but nothing near where Alexei and Zorah were stationed. They should be fine. And yet, there had been nothing from them for so long...

"Sounds like someone missed us." A voice says behind them, grin clearly audible in his tone.

Simultaneously, Lyssa and Irina whirl around in their chairs.

"Alexei, Zorah!" Lyssa calls out in surprise, a bright smile blooming on her face as she jumps up from her seat and makes her way to the two Squallers, pulling them into a tight hug, nearly tackling them to the ground. "I didn't know you were back."

"Just got here," Zorah says, returning the embrace.

"And we're fucking exhausted." Alexei points out, a half-grin on his face.

They look exhausted, too. Dirty and bruised and with dark smudges under their eyes. Even Alexei's grin looked forced.

"But before we're gonna go and rest," Zorah announces with an eager look over Lyssa's shoulder. "I'm starving."

Lyssa takes her friend's arm and tugs her to where Irina is already awaiting them. "Then let's get you something to eat before things can get ugly."

Alexei lets out a long-suffering sigh as he follows them to the table, Irina already pulling to chairs to them and signaling the servers for two more portions of the dinner. "Trust me, after spending the past three months with this woman, you don't know what ugly is with her."

"Hey!" Zorah huffs, affronted.

Alexei just shrugs. "It's true and you know it."

"Sorry if spending my days patrolling the northern border to Fjerda wasn't entirely mood-lifting."

As the two of them bicker, Lyssa sinks back in her seat, still smiling. Saints, she'd missed them these past weeks.

"You could've said something." Irina says, pointing with her fork to the two Squallers. "We were worried sick for you two."

Zorah shrugs. "We kinda figured the two of you would know since the general must've told Lyssa we were getting leave and she'd tell you."

Irina turns to Lyssa with an accusatory look, but Lyssa doesn't even notice. Surprise spreads in her chest. "I didn't know." She slowly says, frowning. For a moment she thinks back if there'd ever been any mention of it, but no. If he'd ever said anything about Alexei or Zorah, or even their regiment or post in general, she'd remember.

"Oh." Zorah says, sending Alexei a look. Alexei just shrugs as the servers put plates of dinner in front of them. His attention already honed in on the food.

Zorah gives her an apologetic look. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize." Lyssa replies, letting out a low breath as she stares down on her nearly eaten plate.

Over Lyssa's shoulder, Irina exchanges a look with the Squaller, giving her another shrug. Zorah rolls her eyes.

"So," Lyssa says as she leans back in her seat, putting her fork beside her plate. "How long are you here?"

"About two weeks," Alexei says between bites.

Zorah gives him a side-look. "At least finish chewing before you open your mouth."

Alexei rolls his eyes at her.

Irina gives Lyssa a look of pure amusement. "They haven't changed a bit in the freezing snow," she whispers, her voice barely audible over the general clatter of the room.

Lyssa lets out a soft laugh. "Thank the saints." She replies. "I'd be a shame."

It is just like being with Irina, but having Alexei and Zorah here, too, is different. Because when the four of them were together, it felt like every burden and darkness and ghost was at bay. Especially since they saw each other so rarely nowadays.

It almost feels like before, when all of them were in the same Second Army regiment together when they were young. Before everything else.

"Are you still gonna eat that?" Alexei asks, jerking his chin at her plate. Slightly startled, Lyssa realizes that he'd had eaten his entire dinner by now.

She lets out a snort. "No, help yourself."

Alexei grins. He doesn't even hesitate before he takes her plate, promptly putting it on his own, empty one.

Zorah shakes her head, scoffing. "It's like living with a dog, or a pig, or something." She points out, but the look she sends Alexei is fond.

Alexei doesn't even look phased.

Irina gives Lyssa a long look. "I don't even want to know what the two of them are like when we're not around."

Lyssa snorts. "I don't think we'd want to, really."

Alexei elbows Zorah. "She says that like she did not just give us bruises from her hug."

"I'm starting to regret that." Lyssa says and Alexei wiggles his eyebrows.

"You can't take it back anymore."

"Truly a pity." Lyssa remarks with a grin just as her eyes fall on Ivan walking with Fedyor past them.

"Didn't you have a meeting?" Lyssa asks them and the two pause just as Alexei, Zorah and Irina fall silent next to her. Ivan gives her a long look.

"Yes. It just finished." He says at last.

Lyssa narrows her eyes at Ivan. "What?" She huffs.

Ivan doesn't reply.

"Spit it out, Ivan. I can it in your eyes see that you want to say something."

She can practically see his hackles rising. Fedyor gives him a look that, plainly, states be nice. Lyssa almost wants to ask him to stop. She'd rather Ivan speaks his mind and say the truth than be nice. Still, she appreciates the effort. Even if, in this very moment, it's unnerving her.

"Nothing." Ivan says and it looks nearly physically painful for him to say the words.

Lyssa narrows her eyes at him in annoyance. "Whatever." She says. "Thanks."

Ivan gives her an equally annoyed look before the two Heartrenders continue their way to a free pair of seats.

"Uh," Alexei says. "I'm not sure I like this look."

Irina grins. "Let her. That's the I'm going to my man look."

"Exactly." Alexei replies just as Lyssa gives Irina a glare.

"What? Am I wrong?"

Unfortunately, Irina isn't wrong.

Before Lyssa has the chance to say anything, Alexei lets out a theatrical sigh. "So, you are leaving us to get some? Honestly, what kind of welcome is this?"

"Shut up," Lyssa huffs and points at Alexei. "It's not like the two of you are planning to go straight to your rooms now that you're finished with your dinner."

Alexei just gives her a single shrug before winking. "You know I'm only joking. I'd never stand between you and getting some- ow!"

Rubbing the spot where Lyssa had punched him, Alexei sends her a glare. "Devil woman." He mutters.

Behind them, Zorah and Irina exchange a look.

🕊🦂🕊🦂

Knocking softly against the wood of the doorframe, the door only half adjacent, Lyssa looks inside the room where they always hold his meetings.

As she'd expected, he's still inside. His hands resting on the edge of the large, round table, he musters the plans in front of him with a frown, before he slowly looks up at the noise.

Lyssa sends him a small smile. "May I come in?" She asks, holding up a plate with dinner.

His frown softens out slightly and he motions around the room. "Please."

Lyssa walks into the room, letting the door close behind her with a soft click. Then, she makes her way to him and puts the plate with food on the table next to him.

He lets out a soft laugh when he sees the contents on it. At last, the deep, in-thought look of the general disappears from his eyes as he looks down to her. "Herring?"

A small grin tugs on the corners of her lips as she gives him an innocent shrug. "You are the one who tells us we have to eat fish every day to keep us humble. Besides it's not just herring. There are a few peas and carrots in there, too."

"You are just saying that because you hate herring." Aleksander points out.

Lyssa gives him an affronted look. "I don't hate herring." She gasps. "I simply believe that it's a staintsforsaken shame to eat... that when there's so much other things you could have."

Never mind that he was right. And it was also the precise reason why Lyssa had taken special care to find one that was ready to be eaten but still had everything - including those eyes that always send a creeped-out shiver down her spine. "You're welcome, by the way." Lyssa purrs as she turns to the plans in front of him.

From the corner of her eyes, she can see the small smile playing across his lips as he shakes his head.

"How many of the questions were about the transfusions this time?" He asks after a moment with a knowing look.

"Oh, shut up," Lyssa says with a laugh, shoving him slightly. "I'd rather every new class I teach asks the same questions over and over again than no questions at all."

After a moment, she nods at the plans and sketches spread across the table in front of him.

He turns back to them. "Plans David gave to me in a meeting earlier this evening." Again, that small frown appears between his eyebrows as he slips back into that planning and calculating mind-set. "He calls it the ultralight. He thinks he might be able to create a light with a frequency that's low enough, so it doesn't attract the volcra while crossing the Fold."

"Really?" Lyssa gives him a surprised look as she steps to the table and takes one of the sketches.

"He sounded rather confident."

"It would help if the soldiers aboard would be able to not go into it completely blind." Lyssa says as she lets her eyes wander over the lines of the sketch. "It might save a lot of lives if it works."

"It might." Aleksanders says as he walks around her and back to the table, resting a hand against the edge of the wood.

"Did you know that Alexei and Zorah would be coming back tonight?" Lyssa asks after a moment and he turns to her. His face betrays nothing of his emotions.

"I did know that they'd be allowed a leave soon." He admits and Lyssa draws up an eyebrow in surprise.

"Why didn't you say anything?" She asks as she lowers the sketch from the Fabrikators back to the table.

He shrugs as he steps behind her, his chest against her back and wraps his arms around her, pulling her against him. "I thought I'd be a nice surprise."

Lyssa draws her eyebrows further together, glancing up at his face. "Really?" She asks and he sends her a look.

"Is that so hard to believe?"

Yes? No? Maybe? Lyssa truly didn't know. She had not expected that answer from him.

After a moment, she tilts her head, looking down at the sketches in front of her. "Did they say when it'll be ready to try out?"

Aleksander is silent for a long time, resting his chin on her right shoulder. At last, he says, "I'm not sure. Maybe in a few weeks. It's difficult to say how long it'll take or how effective it will be when we cannot properly test it out until it's used in a crossing."

Lyssa hums softly in reply, turning her head to look at him. "You know there's nothing any of us other than the Fabrikators can do, right?" She says as she reaches out and tips his chin up so that he is looking in her eyes.

That small note she'd detected in his voice is shining in his eyes, too. Hesitation? No, not quite... but an inner conflict of a kind still.

The look he gives her in response tells her she'd hit home with her guess. She supposed it did not come natural to General Kirigan to have something on his hands where he had no choice but step back and lets others do everything. Something where he could not control every single step taken.

"You have to trust that they know what they are doing." Lyssa points out as she turns around to him. "And David is the best Durast in the Little Palace. If anyone can figure out how to make the ultralight work, it's him."

His dark eyes watch her, and after a moment, Aleksander lifts her so that Lyssa is seated on the edge of the table behind her. Stepping between her legs, he pulls her against him and cups her cheek. For a moment, he only musters her before he lets his palm wander further, burying his right hand in her hair. "What would I do without my Lyssa?" He says quietly, his eyes flashing with something that sends a shiver of anticipation down Lyssa's spine.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm sure you'd be fine." She says with a grin and wraps her legs around his waist, pulling him closer to her. "Eventually."

"Let's hope I'll never have to find out." He says, so close to her now that his breath fans against the skin of her face.

Saints, she really does hope so.

Lyssa drags her fingers across the dark stubble on his jaw. "Let's." She says quietly and looks up to him just as he crosses the last distance between them and kisses her.

AUTHORS NOTE

the way i already knew how this entire thing will end when i first came up with the idea and i just love making myself suffer,,, y'all this is gonna be a rollercoaster

please consider leaving a comment and letting me know what you think so far 💖