CHAPTER SIX
hardest of hearts

Lyssa has not talked to Aleksander for four days, and she is genuinely considering not doing so for another four.

She isn't entirely sure what she'd say either, so she supposes it is a good thing.

Then again, she hates this. Hates the distance between them and the way her room feels so utterly cold without him. She hates not being able to stand the idea of what he might say and looking for him in every room she enters despite it all at the same time.

Lyssa lets out a soft sigh as she ties her blonde hair back to keep the strands from falling in her face while she makes her way from the dormitories to the Corporalki workshops.

Today is her second session with Mikhail as her assistant - he'd spend an hour with her yesterday as well. Lyssa had decided that they would start with hourly sessions. She had not wanted to shove either of them into the new situation so fast it overwhelmed them. So, they'd start slow.

True to her conversation with Irina, Mikhail had also started taking up extra lessons with Botkin.

He isn't the only one. Whenever Lyssa isn't spending her time with Alexei, Zorah and Irina, she is either at the Corporalki workshops or with Botkin. Her body is sorer than usual, and she's more exhausted from throwing herself into her work but she welcomes it. Even if she still can't sleep properly without Aleksander at her side.

Which is stupid. When had she become so depended on him sleeping next to her anyway? She never used to have this particular problem. Or at least before she didn't.

Mikhail is already waiting in front of the anatomy room by the time she arrives. She can practically see him bouncing on the spot nervously when she rounds the corner and spots him. Even if he tries to hide it when he sees her.

She supposes she isn't the only one this situation is new for.

Although Mikhail more looks at her like he just met some sort of hero from a song or a story or something like that and less like a pet he isn't entirely sure how to handle yet. Which is how Lyssa has been feeling the past week whenever she thinks about him.

"Good evening, Mikhail," Lyssa says when she reaches him and unlocks the door.

"Good evening, Miss Golubeva!" Mikhail replies as she steps into the room, following her inside.

Instantly, the lower temperature envelops Lyssa in a familiar way that takes her back to her own school years. Throughout all their education, Corporalki worked in the anatomy rooms, learning about the human body by studying them firsthand.

In the corner of her eyes, she can see Mikhail shudder as he surveys the room, the tables for once absent of bodies as he closes the door behind them. She gives him a long look, trying not to let the eerie sense of deja-vu overcome her.

Karine had reacted like this, too, the first time they'd done this.

Back then, Lyssa had talked to her, distracted her and eventually, that uncomfortable look had passed. She'd grown accustomed to the sight, just like Lyssa had many years ago. Just like Mikhail would, too.

When Lyssa has scrubbed her hands and prepared her workplace, pulling out syringes and a microscope, she takes two of the small containers for blood from a cooling shelf.

Mikhail watches her in silence, helping her gather her tools until, Lyssa at last puts a small amount of both blood samples into two new, smaller containers. While she sits down at one of the tables, Mikhail stores the samples in the cooling shelf again and Lyssa begins her work.

At this point transforming blood is a routine for Lyssa. She has done it often enough to have figured out how it works best for her and what only prolongs the process. She knows what to look out for and what needs extra care.

Still, her main problem even after twelve years of studying transfusions is the time it takes her for the entire process.

It's still too slow. Lyssa has performed only a handful transfusions outside of Os Alta and every time she does this is what comes to the forefront of her mind again and again. She needs to be faster. She needs to work faster in altering the components of blood to match her patient.

This type of practice, altering small samples of blood to fit another again and again, feels like a tedious routine at this point. Still, Lyssa doesn't stop. Because if she does, she will lose more lives than if she doesn't.

So, she continues coming here week after week. Only, now she is commenting what she does for Mikhail.

At least, when she remembers to. Just like yesterday, there are points as she works that Lyssa forgets he is even present with how utterly silent he is. Watching her aptly so he doesn't miss a thing but not daring to say a word.

Lyssa tries to ignore it. How much Mikhail is like her.

Still, it feels like there is a ghost is sitting with them in this room.

🕊🦂🕊🦂

"Mikhail, would you please hand me another one of the Droppers?" Lyssa asks, not looking up from the table.

One of the blood samples, the one she is trying to copy, is already ready for her to compare them once she has finished altering the other sample. Which she is almost certain she has just done. Slowly, Lyssa lets the invisible tether between her and the blood sample, connecting her to the smallest of cells within it, draw back so that the sample rests still in the test tube again.

Behind her, she can hear Mikhail's footfalls as he follows her instructions, walking over to one of the shelves and taking the utensil.

He is just on his way back to her when the door opens and heavy footfalls enter. Mikhail goes hopelessly still at the sight of the man entering the room, dropper forgotten in his hand. His jaw nearly drops to the floor in the horror and surprise at the sight of their visitor.

"Only Corporalki allowed in the workshops," Lyssa says from her seat, not looking up from her work.

"Is that so?" There's bemusement in Aleksander's voice before he turns to her assistant. "Will you reprimand me and send me away then?"

Mikhail looks like he is considering fainting from the distress he is in instead.

At last, Lyssa looks up and to him. He is leaning against one of the tables with the side of his hip, watching her intently. The poor boy stands between them, looking alarmingly pale.

Lyssa reaches out and plucks the dropper from Mikhail's hands just as Aleksander turns his dark eyes on the boy.

"I'll take it from here."

She raises an eyebrow at him.

The boy's eyes widen so much it looks nearly comical and he opens his mouth to reply before he closes it again. Opens it once more without a sound coming out. He sends Lyssa a pleading look.

Lyssa sends the clock on the wall a look. Ten more minutes until their hours is up. She lets out a sigh. "Go on." She says, already turning back to the samples in front of her.

She doesn't think she's ever seen anyone scurry out of a room that fast, the door clicking close behind him.

"You shouldn't have scared that poor child like that," Lyssa points out after a moment.

He gives her an innocent look. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Lyssa only huffs in response. He knew exactly what she was talking about.

For a while as she continues her work on the blood samples, he doesn't move, but she can feel the weight of his eyes on her. She knows, even without looking up that he doesn't take them off her even once. At last, she can hear him push away from the table and approach her.

He stops right behind her, his warmth seeping into her back and the brush of his chest against her kefta as he leans forward, planting one hand against the edge of the table on either side of her. More or less caging her in between his body and the table. Then, he leans forward and his face appears over her shoulder to her right.

"What is it that you're doing?"

Lyssa's muscles clench slightly at the casualty of his voice. "Working on altering one blood sample to fit another."

Drawing his eyebrows together he looks from the samples to her. "I thought you could already do that."

"I can." Lyssa says. "But I'm still rather slow at it. It's more practical if it's faster."

"Hm." Aleksander makes as he looks back to the samples.

He still doesn't stop watching her, his chest brushing against the back of her shoulder with each breath. At last, Lyssa lets out a long sigh and puts the blood samples back into the test tubes, closing them with a stopper. She turns around to him, giving him a sharp look. "What do you want, Aleksander?"

"I only want to talk."

"Then talk."

He softly taps his fingers against the wood once, twice. Then he takes a step to the side, turning until he facing the opposite wall, leaning against the table behind him. "I should not have brought up the past." He says at last, looking at the wall.

Lyssa's jaw clenches at the words. "No," she says slowly. "You should not have."

He turns his head to her, watching her as she inspects the two samples in her hand. Trying to avoid his gaze. "You know I would never hurt you."

Lyssa stiffens at his words.

"Lys, you do know that, right?"

She purses her lips, setting the samples down on the table. "But you did."

"Lys..."

"You did." Lyssa says quietly, cutting him off. Pain seeps through her voice before she shoves it down again. She looks up to him. "You hurt me. So don't say you would never do it."

His throat bobs slightly. "I never meant to hurt you."

"There's a difference." Lyssa whispers.

Aleksander doesn't say anything for a long moment, letting his eyes wander around the room instead. Lyssa is starting to get the distinct impression that he might, in fact, never have been in one of the anatomy rooms before now.

He lets out a long breath. "Everything I do is to make Grisha safer." He says slowly. "And if that includes sending young Grisha like Nina Zenik into the war for intel or for any other sort of mission, if I have to choose between what is best for all Grisha or a single one, I will always choose the former."

Lyssa understands. That is the problem. She understands why he is doing this, and yet she cannot agree with it. Because Lyssa has seen what the other side of those choices mean.

"One day, when the Fold is gone this is what will decide if Grisha finally have a place in the world without any demands or responsibilities. Without being forced to become soldiers for a king who does not care about them, regardless of what they want. If they will finally be free without any obligations. If we can finally choose who we want to be for ourselves." She looks up at him. "Or if it goes back to the way it was before the Fold."

"We cannot afford losing so many soldiers for a longer education that only teaches them more of the same."

Lyssa shakes her head softly. "It's not more of the same and you know it. The Grisha who go into the field right after they're finished with school are underprepared for what awaits them. And that does no good for anyone involved."

"We are losing this war, Lyssa." He says. "We are losing this war, slowly but surely, and if we do it doesn't matter if our soldiers are just out of school or not. Their age will not save them slavery or laboratories or the witch trials. If we have to send our young soldiers in to prevent that from happening, then so be it."

There's a grim sort of determination in his voice. It's a tone that doesn't sit right with Lyssa at all. Because the way Aleksander is talking sounds like achieving ones goal regardless of who you walk over. Regardless of the means.

Lyssa would follow Aleksander nearly through everything. But not everything. Not this.

"Do you truly think the Fold will be destroyed one day?"

She blinks once, giving him a surprised glance at the sudden question before she looks away again. Her heart clenches.

There's so much wariness in his voice.

She's quiet for a long moment before she looks back at him. "It might not happen in this lifetime, or the next one. But, yes, I really believe so." Lyssa says softly. "Nothing is ever truly endless in this world. Even the Fold."

Aleksander leans over to her, brushing a strand that has fallen out if the bun on the nape of her neck behind her ear. "Maybe. But there are things in this world that prevail a long, long time."

"Even those things end." Lyssa says. She doesn't miss the dark look clouding his eyes.

His hand still doesn't leave the side of her face, his fingertips on the edge of her jaw. In her hair.

The look in his eyes nearly knocks the breath out of her. If Lyssa didn't know any better she might think that was longing in his eyes as he stares at her.

But she does know better, right?

"When the war is over we'll remodel the timeline in the schools and the education of the young Grisha." He says and Lyssa's throat bobs slightly. It's not what she wants. It's not nearly enough either. But it is a start.

"Alright." She says quietly.

His eyes wander over her face slowly as she looks up to him. One of the strands of his dark hair has fallen over his brow and Lyssa almost reaches out and brushes it away. Almost.

"Come back tonight, Lyssa."

She goes still. "I..."

"I don't care if it's in your room or mine, just... come back."

There is that look in his eyes again. And the tone to match it.

Lyssa's chest constricts almost painfully as he draws slow circles with his thumb over her cheekbone. "Alright." She says after a moment.

He lets his hand wander down and behind her neck before he gently tugs her towards him. Lyssa lets out a small sigh as Aleksander leans forward and presses a kiss against her lips. He kisses her like she is his salvation. Like the last four days were slowly draining the life from him and only now is he whole again.

Her hands reach up and find their way to the nape of his neck, drawing him closer to her. She can sense the exact moment he goes from reunion to need. He steps into her space and between her legs, his kisses growing more demanding and for a moment, Lyssa lets herself be swept along by them.

Eventually, she breaks away and gives him a look. "You do realize we're right in the middle of the Corporalki workshops, right?"

He draws his eyebrows up at her. "You know, I can ask if they have any objections but, frankly, I don't think they'd mind."

Lyssa lets out a snort, shaking her head. "They're all too scandalized you're in here." She points out in response.

He shrugs. "Nobody complained when I entered."

"I would like to see anyone tell you you're not allowed somewhere."

The bastard just gives her a grin in response. He knows exactly what Lyssa is talking about. No Grisha in this place would tell the Darkling off and throw him out on his ass out of the Corporalki workshops. They'd all rather turn the other way.

Aleksander gently nips at her neck and Lyssa lets out a sigh. "You know I'm in the middle of doing blood work," she continues in a half-hearted attempt to sound reasonable. Even though reasonable did not sound appealing at all right now.

He pauses, looking over her shoulder at the samples on the table. Then, he looks up to her. "At the risk of sounding repetitive, I seriously doubt we'll hear any protest from them."

Truly a pity.

"Shut up." She replies, swatting his arm. "Now go and let me finish up here."

For a very long moment, he looks like he is seriously considering just refusing. Then, he pulls her in for a last, long kiss before he steps back. "I'll see you later."

It sounds like a promise and a question all at once.

Lyssa looks up to him and nods. "I'll see you later." She replies.

AUTHORS NOTE

aleks whenever he fucks up: I just want to talk 😟👉👈

literally the only thing i could think about writing this was one of the yt videos of "the darkling being a lovesick teenager" where he goes "please, i just want to talk to you" and it cuts to alina saying "disappointed gf"

as always, please consider voting&commenting as it always means a lot to me to interact with you guys💖