021

—  a terrible guilt —

HAZEL HAD TOLD JASON ABOUT THE QUAINT EMERALD FIELDS, BUT THIS WAS WRONG. Jason looked over the large hills, slowly making his way toward Hazel. The once bright and comforting lavender field had withered and turned to dust, the flowers dropped, dead birds had dropped around Hazel, the ground was wet with blood coloured water, the lakes overflowing and flooding the land. The tall, proud oak trees that had been scattered across the land, had cracked and slumped with some sort of goo that dripped instead of the trees sprouting leaves. Jason jumped as thunder and lightning cracked across the dark, black and red sky.

Jason stopped a few metres from Hazel, he could see the outline of her spine pulling against her skin, her skin had lost its colour and her body racked in fear. "Hazel? Babe?" Jason called, taking a small step closer.

Hazel let the lavender flower fall from her hands, and her hands fisted her hair, her breath quick and short. "I can't- I can't grow anything, I can't fix anything," Hazel stammered. Her hands carefully reached for the lavender flower again, the small petals had withered, threatening to crumble as her fingers brushed the edges.

Jason slowly stepped to Hazel, cautiously sitting beside Hazel. He slowly slid her hand into Hazel's, his hand warming Hazel's freezing skin. "How can I help you?" Jason asked, his hand squeezing Hazel's. Hazel shrugged slightly, her eyes not moving from the flower. "Why can't you heal anything?" Jason asked, tilting his head at her. "Is something blocking you? Are you drained?"

Hazel took a shallow breath, "I just feel pain. Every time I try to do anything, these... flashes take over. I just see myself hurting people, the Titans, Gar... You." Hazel shook her head, her body starting to shake again. "I'm a monster, I am not... good."

"Why?" Jason questioned, shaking his head, sounding almost upset at her words. "Because Rachel was an asshole and left you alone? Because the others were selfish and didn't want to check in with you? Because you're a good person and wanted to keep Gar and Conner safe?"

Hazel turned her head to look at Jason. "I hurt so many people Jay," Hazel repeated. "Hank said bad things happen to me. Maybe I deserve it."

Jason shook his head at her, stopping himself from scoffing. "You don't deserve this. You saved so many people." Jason took his hand back and brushed back Hazel's hair. "You bring out the good in everyone around you. The way Dick treated you, it was to keep you safe. You mean so much to people. Hell the only reason I'm here is because of Rachel. She cares."

Jason looked back out over the dying fields. "I know you don't mean to, but your plants grow into my room all the time. All sorts of flowers and shit I don't know the name of. But they're so pretty. Because you always want to make the world better. You save the kitchen herbs, you heal people, and I just saw you turn a flash bomb to sand," Jason rambled.

He stopped and Hazel looked up at him through sunken eyes. "This place is yours; this is your mind. If anyone can re-grow their spiritual plane... It's you." Jason stood and helped pull Hazel to her feet. "When I came back from Deathstroke, you helped me because that's what you do. You can do this."

Jason stepped to the side and Hazel took a small step forward. Hazel held her hands at her sides, green and gold lights twisting together to swirl around her hands. Power pulsed through her body, her skin regaining its colour as she smiled. Hazel eyes looked over the fields; the grass regrew first, returning to a bright green, then the flowers turned bright vibrant colours and the lavender grew to its illuminated purple.

Hazel looked over her shoulder, smiling at Jason, "Thanks Jay." Hazel brought her hands up and a large bright light shot out, taking over the expanding fields.

Rachel lowered his arms, her power melding back into her body as she stared at Hazel. Hazel opened her eyes, and Jason helped her stand. Donna flicked the lasso, the rope going limp. Hazel looked up at Jason and he squeezed her arms softly. 

"Hazel?" Rachel stepped closer.

Hazel looked away from Jason and nodded. "I'm okay," Hazel said, a small smile growing. Rachel ran at Hazel, throwing her arms around her and squeezing her tight. Hazel froze for a moment before her arms came up to squeeze Rachel tight. Rachel let go and Hazel turned back, Terran already standing in front of her. Hazel cursed as she rushed to Terran, her hands quickly fixing her bones.

"Hey," Terran said.

"Hi," Haze murmured. "Did I-"

"No. The freaky government spinoff did," Terran interpreted. "Which Conner is currently dealing with." Hazel looked over her shoulder, Conner stalking towards the van. Hazel's eyes turned back to Jason, but he had disappeared, choosing not to stick around with people he didn't really want to see.

"Hazel," Gar called. A surge of relief washed over Hazel, as he heard his voice. The world seemed to settle as her eyes landed on Gar, who offered her a small smile. Hazel smile and ran to Gar, throwing her arms out to wrap around his shoulders, squeezing him as tight as she could. "Haze! I'm naked," Gar whispered.

"I couldn't care less, are you okay?" Hazel asked, pulling back and checking over Gar's face. Gar nodded softly, holding Rachel's jacket closer around him. Hazel noticed and weaved a vine to hold it in place. She squeezed Gar once more before letting him go, but she stayed at his side.

The Titans walked back together, looking over the wreckage of the carnival. Conner had joined them, stopping beside Gar and Hazel. "I did this," Conner said with a shaky voice. He turned back to the others, grief taking over his face. "It wasn't me, but- But I did this. I'm sorry."

"We know. It's good to have you back," Donna moved to stand in front of Conner. "Did anyone ever tell you you can really throw a punch?"

Conner laughed softly. "Me? Hazel was kicking my ass," Conner shrugged, and Hazel scoffed slightly.

"Thank you, Titans!" A woman shouted and the people erupted in cheers. The Titans smiled and Rachel couldn't help but laugh softly.

A guilt in her stomach lifted slightly but it still squeezed her heart. Hank walked to Hazel, wrapping one arm around her shoulder. "I'm sorry I hurt you," Hazel mumbled.

"Eh, coulda been worse," Hank assured, and Hazel leant back against Hank.

"Mommy, my dolly!" A little girl called, pointing to a doll that got caught on a ride.

"Stay here baby," Her mother advised.

Dawn smiled and walked to the ride, retrieving the doll. She walked to the little girl, kneeling in front of her. "Is this your dolly?" Dawn asked and the little girl nodded. Dawn handed her the doll and smiled. "She's safe now."

"Thank you," The mother said.

"Of course," Dawn smiled. Electrical crackles echoed through the air and the little girl looked up in shock. A tall power tower started to tip, angling toward the ground. Dawn yelled for everyone to run. Donna didn't hesitate to run out. Donna screeched in pain as she held up the tower, the electrical current running over her body. The titans yelled for her but the tower slipped from her hands and crashed into the ground. Donna wobbled before collapsing, landing on the tower.

"Donna!" Dick yelled running for her. Hazel bolted out helping Dick pull her from the tower. Hazel took her hand, lacing her fingers through Donna's, her eyes going green as she tried to heal her. "Hazel..." Dick whispered, his voice pleading.

Hazel let out a soft breath and rested Donna's hand on her stomach. "I can't heal her," Hazel muttered. Hazel stood and took a step back. Dawn and Hank moved to Donna's side as the others moved to help people. Gar turned, walking to the car the others had used to get there, his body and mind exhausted.

Hazel's heartbeat filled her ears as her stomach twisted into knots. Just before her body could spiral into panic, her power picked up on a familiar sense. Hazel glanced at her friends before walking from the carnival, walking down to the beach the carnival was built off. Micheal was rushing through the sand, dropping his belongings and jacket.

He looked up, meeting Hazel's eyes. Micheal reached for the controller, but Hazel waved her hand, the controller turning to dust. He straightened his posture and raised his hands as if trying to settle her. "I know you have an overwhelming urge to hurt me, but sweet Hazel-"

Hazel shot a surge of light at Micheal's chest, knocking him into the water. Hazel rushed to him, grabbing his shoulders and pushed his head below the water. A mix of pain and anger filled her body, her hands shaking in rage as she held him below the water. His hands scrambled to pull at her grip, but she pinned his arms down with her knees. The bitter taste of resentment fuelled her actions, a fusion of anguish and fury controlling her as she continued to drown the man.

He squirmed and scrambled, trying to pull himself away, but his body went limp, the last of the air exiting his lungs as he swallowed unbelievable amounts of water. Hazel's grip loosened but she couldn't remove her hands.

A terrible guilt ran through her stomach as she looked at the dead man below her. Then a wave of relief and satisfaction overtook her, her breathing slowing to normal in an instance. It felt... good? She took her hands back and stood, her eyes refusing to leave his body. Hazel stepped out of the water, her heat racing as she looked over the carnival. That horrid pain filling her bones once again. Hazel looked down at her clothes stained with blood, the guilt pulling at her heart.

"Hazel?" Terran called, walking to Hazel. Her eyes snapped up and Hazel let out a shaky breath. "You okay?"

Hazel nodded softly, her hands dropping to her sides. "Yeah, I'm okay," Hazel nodded. "Still a little off." Terran offered her a small smile, walking beside Hazel back to the cars.

❁

THE WORLD WAS SILENT AS THEY STOOD IN THE ELEVATOR. The doors opened, Hank carrying Donna's cold body through the tower. The others stayed by her side, Kory keeping an eye on Rachel, Terran and Conner as Gar and Hazel cleaned themselves up.

Hazel stood in front of her wardrobe, going over all the scars and marks CADMUS lab had gifted her. Hazel's fingers grazed her forehead, the faint pain of the bullet still present in her mind. She took a breath, waving her hand, the scars and marks fading from her skin. Hazel finished changing before grabbing Gar's green jacket and wandering down the hall.

She stopped in front of the training room, Gar sitting on one of the benches, his nails digging into his hands. Hazel took a deep breath and cautiously sat next to Gar. She wrapped the jacket around his shoulder before taking his hand. Hazel tried to speak but her mind was empty. She knew the pain he was feeling, but she had no way to comfort him. Hazel rested her head on his shoulder as Gar held in his cries.

Gar turned and buried his face in the crook of Hazel's neck, shaking as she cried. "Sorry I-"

"No, no," Hazel muttered, her hands raking through his hair. "Don't you dare be sorry."

Maybe she couldn't comfort him or take his pain away, but she could be there, just holding him because at least it was something she could offer.

Terran stood in the kitchen, holding a cup of coffee close, the steam warming her face. Rachel paused before walking to stand next to her. "I made you a coffee," Terran mumbled, pushing a cup her way. "I saw you scoping out the kitchen earlier." Rachel smiled and nodded, taking the cup.

'Thanks," Rachel smiled, hiding her face behind the mug.

Terran Took a deep breath and turned to Rachel. "Thank you," Terran sighed, sipping from her coffee. "Thank you for saving Hazel. I'm sorry I was such a dick to you."

"No, no, don't be," Rachel shook her head, spinning the cup in her hands. "I deserved it. I was being a bitch."

Terran chuckled softly and leaned against the bench. "Well, for what it's worth, you're actually pretty damn cool," Terran smiled and made Rachel laugh.

"You're not too bad yourself, Lillis," Rachel laughed.

Terran clicked her fingers sipping from her coffee, "Claire. Different moms." 

— pain —