Wishing you godspeed, glory
There will be mountains you won't move
Still I'll always be there for you
How I do

The minute Harry and Natalie returned, I knew right away something had gone wrong. Her arms and face were soaked in crimson and so were his hands, they seemed to have gone through some pretty rough shit in there.

This guy was smarter than any of us could've ever expected, he somehow knew we were watching through the street cameras. He cut all sorts of communication we had with them and Alissa had to hold me back, I was dying to go check on Harry and Natalie in person.

There was a weird expression in Nat's face... her eyes were eyeing her surroundings every now and then but they weren't here at the same time, she just looked lost and I was dying of curiosity but something told me it wasn't the right moment to ask.

They didn't speak either, only to each other. Quiet whispers of comfort in her ears, hugs and rubs on her backs. I knew something very bad had happened.

Mostly because I was sure they had gone out on this mission to rescue someone.

I had the faintest idea and I didn't want to think about it... fuck, Natalie looked so destroyed and it was just tearing my heart apart. I wanted to try and cheer her up, but she probably would want to stay with Harry. Or perhaps alone.

Harry thanked us as Natalie took a shower. He explained to us briefly everything about her and this Zayn guy and I couldn't help but feel even more heart-broken. Especially when I find out the killer was his own uncle.

Zayn never had anything to do with us or this mission and it just hurt me knowing he'd been caught in the crossfire, I couldn't even begin to imagine how torn Natalie must have been feeling.

She had that emotionless expression I had seen before, what if she had gone numb? Fuck, no reaction was worse than any at all. I knew she had cried because her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were damp, but now she was just... there.

I was always scared when people got to this state. They would either act like nothing ever happened, get really fucking pissed or just sad. I had the feeling Natalie would go through all three stages.

There was a sad glint behind Harry's eyes too, but I guess he was just concerned about her. I knew and had seen how much they cared about each other and it actually scared me, it was disgustingly cute.

They were together all day long and they felt each other in an indescribable word. I had overheard how they talked and had fun and I could only wish for something remotely similar.

Alissa and I weren't dating. We fucked occasionally, yeah, but none of us had feelings for one another. And I just wondered if I'd ever be able to find someone like they had found each other. They truly looked like soulmates.

I just wanted to know how it felt. Love, I mean. And not family love or friendship love, romantic love. Being able to walk up to someone and kiss them and rail the fuck out of them and comfort them and cuddle and watch movies and just... fuck, everything.

Harry mentioned how Natalie hadn't said a word on the way back and I was feeling concerned all over again. I was truly scared of what she could do, she sure was reckless and I didn't even want to imagine how she would act now. She would clearly want revenge.

It was currently six a.m. and I was wide awake. Alissa was laying next to me, on the far end of the bed and with her face buried into the pillow. She looked cute when she slept, I loved how her cheeks would go pink every time.

But I was restless. I heard some shifting on the other room earlier, but I knew it wasn't sex this time. Someone there was as awake as I was, I was sure I had heard footsteps multiple times before.

It wasn't long till I made the decision of getting up. My muscles were strained and my whole body was sore, I don't even know why. I supposed I could walk a bit to relax. I wasn't even sure what had me so tense.

My throat was bone-dry, which was why I decided to head to the kitchen for a glass of water. But I was stopped in my tracks by a soft voice coming from the living room, a voice calling out my name.

"Alex?" Natalie whispered, scaring the shit out of me.

She sounded hoarse and full of pain, but her expression was far from normal. There wasn't a single emotion flashing her face and it was starting to freak me out. Her eyes, even bloodshot, looked cold and off.

"Natalie," I cleared my throat, furrowing my eyebrows. "You okay?"

"Sure, are you?" She nodded, rolling her lips to the inside of her mouth.

Yeah, she was definitely not okay.

"You can talk to me." I walked towards her, taking place on the couch next to her.

I made sure to keep my distance from her though. I knew Harry wasn't around to watch, but his jealousy was terrifying. Around Natalie, he was a huge softie. Around me... I think he wanted to chop my dick off.

"I don't need to talk to anyone, I'm fine." Her voice turned cold. Fuck, her words were so harsh that it was scaring me.

"You're not." I raised my eyebrows.

"I'm fine," Nat covered her eyes with her arm, turning her face away from me. "I'm... fine."

"Hey, come here." I whispered, making sure she was okay with it when I pulled her in for a hug. "It's okay to cry."

"But I don't want to cry!" She raised her tone a bit, muffling against my neck.

Her hands were fisted against my chest and I was surprised by how tiny she was. She felt breakable under my touch, even though I knew 'breakable' wasn't exactly the word to describe Natalie Perkins.

"Sometimes it's just necessary." I shrugged, stroking her hair.

"I don't know, it's just... I'm telling my brain to stop crying but it just doesn't... it doesn't work." She cried. "It used to, but it doesn't anymore."

Fuck, she was really crying now. I never knew how to manage myself to comfort someone, let alone a girl. The little experience I had came from the many times my sister got her heart broken, but still, she was too proud to let herself cry more than once or twice a week.

"Crying doesn't mean you're weak," I whispered. "Never. We even cry when we're born. Crying means we're still alive. For some reason, we're still alive."

The quiet sobs leaving her lips only made it more painful for me too. I never liked it when people suffered, I just saw myself reflected in a mirror and I didn't want anyone to go through the same amount of grief I did.

It hurt me to see her in so much pain and I didn't even know why... I guess it came mostly from the same compassion she had with me when I had that stupid breakdown two or three weeks ago. I still owed her about it.

"I don't want to be alive," She pulled away, wiping her cheeks and sniffling. "I think Harry is the only reason why I'm still here, but the bullets keep hitting me and harder every time. Someday, I know his shield will break, and I don't think I'm prepared for that moment."

"I just..." I started, but I wasn't exactly sure what I meant to say. "I don't want you to tell people you're okay when you're not, you hear me? I don't want you to keep your tears to yourself."

"People often say I'm annoying," She shook her head, tugging the corners of her lips down. "They say, if I'm crying too loud, then I'm making it everyone's business. I don't want to bother people with things they don't care about."

"Everyone in this house cares about you, Nat." I smiled softly. "Harry cares, I care... god, even Alissa cares."

I chuckled softly and that seemed to make her loosen up a bit, a small smile slowly creeped up her lips. It immediately disappeared though, her eyes were still glossy and she kept a sad expression on her face.

"I wish that was true," She looked down. "I don't know, sometimes I start to realize how hard breathing is."

"What do you mean?" I frowned, examining her face.

"It's a whole process, you don't just draw air in and out. There are a lot of things happening inside you with each breath you take." Natalie explained, not looking at me once. "My body needs a rest, Alex."

Oh.

Oh shit.

"Nat, stop saying stuff like this." I shook my head.

"Sure, but then don't come back wanting me to stop lying." She deadpanned.

My heart was full-blown snapped in half at this point. I just couldn't bring myself to look at her without seeing the materialization of grief itself, she didn't look like she could handle all this pain and I knew she handled very well everything that got in her path.

I hated that she was right. I hated that she felt so insecure about herself and that she was managing too much all at once. I wanted her to share the weight she carried on her back with me so that she could start enjoying.

"Look, I've been suicidal before and I know none of the things I say are gonna make it any better," I motioned with my hand. "But I know how it feels to be drowning, when every little thing that happens feels like it's your fault and it only adds to everything you're going through. You feel like a liability and trust me, I've been there before. I know what it's like to want to make everyone a favour by leaving the world, but do you know what's the difference between us two?"

Her face was contorted in surprise, like I had just recited her whole life in no more than three sentences. I knew I had because I knew exactly what she felt, I was talking from experience. But she needed the help much more than I did, that's for sure.

"No," She whispered, so quietly I barely heard her.

"You would be missed." I nodded, very sure of myself.

The tears were starting to brim her waterlines once again and her cheeks were getting flushed. I didn't want her to cry again, it broke my heart seeing her so vulnerable, but these things had to be said.

She had to know she couldn't just leave... people would miss her and that's a fact. Maybe showing her that she wasn't alone would help her, letting her know that she could talk to me because I kinda knew how to handle this type of shit.

"Alex, I'm-" She sobbed.

"Don't... pity me," I shook my head, keeping a hard stare. "What I mean is... you're not alone in this. I understand if sometimes you drink or smoke to get away from reality and it's okay! I swear, it's okay, I do it too. But never, ever, talk about killing yourself again. Don't cause that pain to Harry."

I knew maybe my tone was a bit too harsh and my words would probably fly right past her, dealing with suicidal thoughts isn't easy and they can't be taken away just like that. But I just wanted her to start realizing she wasn't alone and there were actual people who cared about her, who would be affected by her death.

I didn't know what happened to her in the past in order for her to suffer this much, but she needed to understand I was here to help her. I was like her and I knew how to handle this, I actually cared. And so did Harry.

Natalie gave me no time to react when her arms were around my neck, her small body crashing against my own in the hug. I froze, dumbfounded, but quickly found myself again to melt into the embrace and wrap my own arms around her.

She was whispering thanks and apologies in my ear and all I did was tell her that she'd be alright, rubbing my thumb in a circular motion against her shoulder blades. There were quiet sobs leaving her lips and it surprised me how quiet she was while she was literally bawling, it only made me wonder how many times she had to cry in secret.

"God, I haven't cried this much in so long," She pulled back, sniffling while she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

She looked more enlightened, the small chuckle that left her lips made me feel better. I knew everything she was currently feeling wouldn't just disappear all of a sudden and she'd take a lot of time to heal properly, but I liked that she was starting to loosen up.

I wanted her to cry if she felt like it, smile if she felt like it, scream if she felt like it and even drink if she felt like it, but I wanted it all to be genuine. I didn't want her to repress her tears, I just wished she'd ask for a hug if she needed one.

"Do you want to watch a movie? I don't think I'll be able to fall back asleep," I snickered, sitting cross-legged on the couch.

"Sure." Natalie sniffled again, hugging her knees against her chest and propping her head on my shoulder.

"Any ideas?" I looked down at her, eyelashes battling up and down over her eyes.

"Yes, actually. Do you mind if it's a cartoon?" She turned on the TV, starting to flick through the different movies on Netflix.

"Not at all. Name?"

"Spirit-something-something-something," She answered back. "I just remember the name of the horse."

I laughed and she clicked on the movie, which was already on her recently viewed list. It was rated for kids with more than seven years old, which I found cute, but she seemed to be going on really serious about it. So she ended up clicking on play.

ok but they're cute

i've never written so many emotional chapters in a row,
tbh this hit a bit close to home

but oh well natalie x alex is the best friendship
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