But there is a light
In the dark, and I feel its warmth
In my hands and my heart
Why can't I hold on?

"Are you vaping?"

I averted my eyes to meet Harry's, who had a sleepy face and tousled curls. The sun was making its way through the window, it must have been around four or five p.m..

I woke up twenty minutes ago with uneasiness on my chest... and also soreness. Harry literally made me choke on his dick and then he had a freaking vibrator in my ass while he fucked my pussy, how the hell was I not supposed to be sore? My throat was also destroyed and I knew it was all red, just like my goddamn lips.

I liked it, loved it actually, despite the fact I dozed off almost immediately. I would've liked to stay with him a bit more, but when I woke up from my sleep, realization hit me.

I hadn't had any nightmare, my head was empty and I got a well-deserved hour of sleep. I wanted to start jumping in joy the minute I acknowledged it, but I was still a bit tired and so fucking sore.

My muscles were strained and I couldn't go look for my weed, but I knew I kept a vape in my nightstand so I just went for it. It was weird seeing me vaping, I rarely ever did because I preferred smoking much more, but it was kinda the same, I guess?

The smoke of the vape was thicker and denser, plus it made me look cool. None of the people I knew vaped, I guess it was too childish or some shit. It didn't smell the same as the cigarette either, which I suppose is a good thing.

Harry and I shouldn't have been fucking at this time of the day, Alex and Alissa were probably wondering where the fuck we were... that is if they hadn't heard us already. I screamed at some point and I'm pretty sure Harry did too. And if they weren't aware yet, then they would know when they saw me move and speak.

"Yeah, I'm vaping." I nodded, taking the small device to my lips.

"Why?" Harry furrowed his eyebrows, sitting straight with his back against the headboard.

"Why not?" I quipped.

He scanned my face as if he was looking for any proof that what happened actually happened, which was exactly what I did when I first woke up because I was scared it had all been a fever dream.

"Are you sore?" He scratched the back of his neck.

"What do you think?" I chuckled, making him chuckle back. "I fell asleep."

I noticed the way his muscles tensed, the atmosphere of the room felt like it had suddenly shifted to an uncomfortable one and I had no idea what was happening. He tried covering it all up with a small smile, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"I know. That's, uh, good." Harry nodded.

"Right," I frowned, nodding my head slowly. "I can't move."

"I know," He repeated, this time with a big proud smile.

I rolled my eyes playfully before placing my vape on the nightstand and slowly turning towards him. I winced in the process, but the fucker did absolutely nothing about it.

Just then, my phone started ringing. I cursed under my breath, having to turn around again to get a hold of my phone. I was surprised when I read the Caller ID, since it was Zayn who was calling.

Fuck, I had completely forgotten about him. I had been so stuck up in my own little bubble that I stopped giving a fuck about my actual life... I wondered how mad Zayn would be.

"Uh, hi?" I cleared my throat, but it had to be just an hour ago when I was gagging on a dick.

"Damn, what happened to your voice?" Zayn said headfirst.

"I have a, uh, sore throat." I cleared my throat again, but it was only making it hurt even more. "What's up?"

"A sore throat, right." He said suspiciously, but now the insecurities were popping by again.

What if he knew? What if someone had told him or he was suspecting me? Fuck, how could this happen?

I heard some shifting on the other side of the line, muffled voices as if Zayn had been covering the speaker to talk to someone else. I tried hightening my ear to listen, but it was barely audible.

"I'm back," He huffed. He sounded weird. "I, uh, I was just wondering when you'll... you know, come back."

"I'm still missing some things, I really can't tell." I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Nat, where are you now?" Zayn asked.

He sounded uneasy, like he was running out of time for something. I had never heard him like this and it was starting to freak me out, it seemed as though he was paranoid about something. Fuck, what was going on?

"Argentina," I answered back shortly just when Harry gave me the oddest look. "Where are you now?"

I heard silence for some seconds, as though he was hesitating to answer. He stayed quiet for so long that I was starting to believe that maybe he hung up, so I was about to call out for him to check-

"Eh, Barcelona."

No way.

He couldn't have just said Barcelona, the place I was staying at no more than two weeks ago. This just evidenced my beliefs, maybe he didn't really trust me and that's why he had decided to go looking for me in Barcelona. Fuck, did he know? He couldn't know.

"Hold on, what the fuck?" I sat straight, which was probably a mistake because my whole ass started to hurt. "What do you mean you're in Barcelona? Why are you there?"

"I missed you." He whispered, so quietly that he sounded regretful. "I wanted to see you-"

"Zayn, I told you not to go looking for me! Fuck, you're risking your life, I kept you out of this to fucking protect you!" I snapped.

I knew maybe my words and my tone were a bit too harsh, but I was too pissed off to care. I was mad at him, so fucking mad, but I was also worried. I was scared someone might know who he was, there were so many things that could happen that I couldn't even bring myself to number them.

"I know, okay? I'm sorry, it's just-" He started, but he cut himself off as though he was about to say something he shouldn't.

"It's just what, Zayn?" I pushed. I couldn't hear anything coming from the other side. "What!"

"Do you have a co-worker?" He suddenly asked.

Well, I certainly wasn't expecting that question, but now I was feeling the most insecure I had ever felt. He fucking knew I had a co-worker, was he trying to find out if I was fucking him? I mean, I was, but that's not the point.

I didn't answer immediately. Instead, I gave Harry a quick glance, who was looking at me like he was ready to start shouting at whoever was on the other side of the line.

"I do have a co-worker, Zayn. I have three co-workers, to be exact. But how the fuck is that related to you being in fucking Barcelona?" I tried to keep my tone down, which seemed to untense Harry.

"Three co-workers? Oh." Zayn whispered. "I'm- I'm sorry, I thought... I don't know, I have to go. I love you."

I couldn't bring myself to tell him I loved him back... fuck, my mind was a whirlwind of emotions and him telling me he loved me wasn't the thing I needed right now. Not being able to say it back made my chest tightened, but I just didn't want to lie to him after everything we'd been through.

"Bye, Zayn."

I'm pretty sure I heard him cursing under his breath before he hung up, which only made my heart hurt even more. I knew I was probably mistaken about everything, wasting a worthwhile nine-year-long relationship for someone I had known for a month.

I knew things with Harry would be over soon and I'd go back to Zayn, but I didn't want things to be over. I missed Zayn, not gonna lie, but I wanted Harry. No, I didn't want him, I needed him. So much that it hurt.

Harry was my boyfriend now and Zayn didn't know that. I don't think Zayn was ever gonna know about that detail, but I didn't want to complicate things more than they already were. I missed Zayn, but I think my time with him was over.

I would break his heart so damn much and I didn't want to. I wanted him to know he meant something to me, more than he thought, but this stupid cop had to get on my way and make me fall in love with him.

I loved Harry.

Fuck, I loved Harry.

I knew I was way too attached to him from the moment we stargazed together that night, leaving him would destroy me and that's why I wasn't going to. He was my boyfriend and I loved him, there was no way I could back off now.

My mind was usually a 24/7 shitshow, but ever since Harry came, everything was calm and quiet. No more voices, no more panic attacks, no more nightmares. I was starting to take proper care of myself and my body and that was all because of him. He indirectly encouraged me to be strong and I wanted to be strong, for him.

I knew I still had a lot to learn about him and he had a lot to learn about me, but I fucking loved him. He owned me, my body and my heart, he had havoced every fibre in my body and replaced them for new ones, and all of them craved for him. For his touch, his eyes, his sweet words and his protection.

The conversation with Alex had made me realize too many things, he didn't even have to try in order to make me acknowledge the feelings I had for Harry. I knew they were there, deep down and starting to arise.

"Can you hug me?" I stated. I was losing myself again, it had been a while since the last time that happened.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Harry scooted closer.

I felt his arms wrapping around me and pulling me in for a hug, his warmth and protection embracing me as I repeated the words 'don't cry' over and over again.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"I'm gonna hurt him," I nuzzled myself into Harry's chest, trying to pull him in impossibly closer. "I'm gonna hurt him and he'll hate me."

"You're not gonna hurt anyone, it's okay. You're okay." He tried soothing me, stroking his fingers against my hair.

"Harry," I called out, ignoring his previous statement. "Promise me you'll hold me when everything falls apart."

The sympathetic look behind his eyes only made me feel worse as I still struggled to stop the tears from coming out. I always forced the need to cry to the back of my head, but it came back ten times stronger.

"Nothing's gonna fall apart, sunshine, we'll be alright." Harry kissed my forehead.

I knew he probably didn't understand shit of what was going on, I didn't understand either, but I guess I just woke up feeling low. It would usually happen, times when I was feeling emotionally drained just because.

"Promise me." I practically begged, the pungent grief goading my chest.

"I promise I'll hold you when everything falls apart." He nodded. "Always."

The choice of words only brought me back to him. Everything ended in him, everything reminded me of him in a certain way and I wasn't even sure if he was aware of that. He felt different, I couldn't explain how but he just did. Every dead end took me to him, every light shone for him. He was just it.

"Forever?" I looked at him with glistening eyes, meeting the green in his irises and feeling as though it was the first time I was looking at it.

Harry smiled, so softly that it made me feel a tiny bit better. Everything about him made me feel better, he just felt like it.

"Yes, sunshine. Forever." He was quick to nod. "We'll be alright."