I try to wait for the storm to calm down
But that's stubborn, baby, leadin' to war
We droned down on each other
Tryin' to even the score

Things had gone to shit.

I often had to remind myself we weren't alone in the house anymore, and not only because of the sex. Things with Harry were just fine, we even showered together and I watched him get himself off a couple times, which was an improvement since we hadn't actually fucked yet.

But I tended to forget who was staying in the house with us. It was my fault, that I knew. But my stubborn and traumatized self decided to go with the flow, thinking it was a good idea to let Alex and Alissa into my house.

Speaking of which... I think Alex and Alissa were fucking.

It was expected, of course. I couldn't tell if it was their first time or not but they sure did make some noise last night, it sounded like the fucking Exorcist was in there.

Honestly, it didn't really matter to me if they fucked or not, especially since Harry promised we'd be twice as loud the moment his dick was inside me. His exact words were 'I'll have you screaming my name as I come all over your body'.

I was much more confident with him now and he was with me, especially since he found out about my little problem. It had been four days. I was sure I wasn't anorexic, because I used to think I was too fat till I stopped giving a shit, but I knew I had a real issue.

Maybe I had an intake restriction disorder. Food grossed me out, eating sounded like a mandatory task to me which was why I avoided it... or used to avoid it.

Harry had been making sure I ate at least one proper meal each day. Of course I threw up sometimes and he knew that, it wasn't any secret. The good thing was that he wasn't pushing me to eat, he was letting me pick the pace and that was beyond appreciated.

Everything had been so overwhelming lately, personally speaking, and I was starting to get more and more concerned about the fact we still hadn't gotten the information about the next trade. Fuck, what if something else was happening and we had no idea about it?

My stress was probably the reason why I ended up lighting my second joint. I was sitting on the couch and it was around three or four a.m.... and Alex was smoking with me.

I don't know how it happened, but here we were. We didn't speak much, we were each too busy in the momentary relief to worry about anything else. But I was dying of curiosity to find out more about him.

Alex had been a very weird puzzle ever since he stepped into the house. He was confusing, but I somehow managed to understand him either way. I knew there was something that was messing with him, I just knew.

That was probably the reason why I had a special soft spot for him. Every time I saw him, it just reminded me of my own panic attacks and it probably wasn't a nice image to have of someone, but I couldn't help it.

"Are you and Alissa fucking?" I asked, taking the joint to my lips. Alex looked at me and arched one eyebrow.

"Are you asking to annoy me or you really don't know?" He smirked.

"You don't answer a question with a question, dumbass," I rolled my eyes. "But yes, both. Now answer before I accidentally walk in on you tonight."

Alex tossed his head back and laughed, keeping the blunt between his index and middle finger. It was the first time that I was seeing him laughing, and honestly, I really thought he should do it more often. It was cute.

"I'll ask you to join if you walk in on us." He said, surprising the fuck out of me with his words.

Did he just insinuate a threesome?

Jesus, now I was turned on.

There were too many toxins in our system and we were both talking bullshit, which was probably the reason why we both were horny. I certainly didn't want to fuck Alex, Harry kept me busy enough, but I hadn't had a threesome in so long and the mere idea of it was such a fucking turn on.

"Jesus Christ, calm down." I chuckled. "You didn't answer though."

"Yes, we are fucking." Alex nodded his head. "Are you and Harry fucking?"

Oh well.

"Thought you knew already. Weren't we loud enough?" I rebounded, watching as he arched his eyebrows in response.

Alex was shirtless, only wearing a pair of gray sweatpants that reminded me so much of Harry. He didn't have tattoos though, only one on his inner arm that I hadn't got any time to see. He sure was hot.

Everything reminded me of Harry this past few days, it was as though the thought of him managed to show up every spare second. He lived in my mind rent free, to be honest.

"Oh, trust me, you were." He snorted. "You look like you like him."

The euphemism of the year.

No, I didn't love him. I didn't think I would ever because love wasn't something I truly believed in. It was a weakness. But I did like him and a lot. The physical connection had only increased my need to be around him and I wasn't even trying to hide it anymore, it was useless.

Harry was such a sweet little thing. He was so fucking pure and I never got to hang out with that kind of person. I mean, he was definitely not pure in bed, but I wasn't complaining about that.

He was loveable, that was it. It was impossible not to like him because he just gave off that adorable vibe. I wanted to trap him inside a little box and protect him from the world because he didn't deserve to get hurt.

"I guess?" I squinted at him, exhaling out some smoke. "I mean, I do love his curls, and his eyes. And the way he looks at me. God, I love the way he looks at me. And I also love how he's in bed, which is probably something we shouldn't talk about, but it's true. And-"

"Natalie," Alex interrupted with firm eyes.

I glanced at him expectantly, trying to decipher the weird look behind his eyes. He seemed to be trying to read my soul, and honestly, I was trying to do exactly the same.

"You used the word 'love' three times." He kept his voice monotonous.

Oh.

Wow.

"Shut up, I don't love him." I rolled my eyes, taking the joint to my lips.

The room was spinning a bit, probably because of all the nicotine flowing through my veins. It took more than two joints to make me high, but I was already a bit dazed and I knew I'd be on the floor soon.

"Didn't say anything about loving him." Alex shrugged.

Jesus fucking Lord.

"What about you?" I said.

He probably noticed my urgency to change the subject, because the small smirk he gave me didn't go by unnoticed. And the fact that his words had the power to make me question my whole existence had me very surprised.

"What about me?"

"Don't know, whatever." I scoffed. "Look, we'll be living in the same house for a while so you better start talking."

"Fine! Fine," He chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Uh, there's really not much to say. Everything is shit."

"Everything about me is shit too, why do you think I'm here?" I swatted his arm. "C'mon, tell me. Uh, I don't know, do you like Alissa?"

"I do like Alissa. She's been through the rough shit with me." He pondered. "Do you love Harry?"

Here we go again.

How was I supposed to react to a constant questionnaire on Harry? On loving Harry? I didn't love Harry, right? But the way Alex talked to me or just looked at me made me feel like he knew more stuff than I did and that was getting on my fucking nerves.

I knew I was fucked since the last time Harry went down on me, but loving him was a big deal. A huge one. How could I know if I loved someone? I had known him for about a month, was it even possible?

I knew little to nothing about love. I didn't even know if I loved Zayn in the beginning, but he just had to say the words for me to realize I really was in love with him. I just knew it.

Fuck, Zayn.

This was a very suffocating clusterfuck, and I didn't know if Zayn was the one caught on the crossfire or Harry... shit, this had never happened to me. At least not with people that I actually cared about.

I knew I still had some things to develop in my own mind, but the feeling of torment in my chest every time I thought about someone ending up hurt was too painful to handle on my own.

I didn't look at Alex because I was too lost in my mind and my thoughts, and I knew he could see clearly the hesitation in my words.

"Shut up."