If I don't make sense
Please, forgive me, I can't sleep at night
At least, not alone, not anymore
Not since I found what I never went lookin' for

Breaking up with Zayn was the hardest thing I had to do in my entire life.

After an hour or two of Styles glaring at me while I drank coffee and overthought, I decided ghosting my boyfriend for months wasn't going to solve my current situation. I had to meet him and explain him, because, after all, I still loved him.

I had told him to meet me outside of my hotel, Harry asking too much questions that I never answered just because he was annoying the fuck out of me.

"Hi, Nat." Zayn smiled fondly and then leaned towards me to peck my lips, but I had to stop him. If he kissed me, there was no way I could ever let him go. "What's wrong, babe?"

"Zayn..." I whispered, trying to find the right words not to hurt him and myself. There was no easy way to say this. A fucking eight-year relationship wasn't easy to end. "We need to break up."

His expression was something I prayed I would never have to see again, because he looked genuinely hurt; his lips were parted in shock and his eyes gave away nothing but pain and sorrow. I contained a strangled sob and felt my palms getting sweaty for every second he stayed silent.

"W-Why?" He stuttered all of a sudden, shaking his head and seeming as though he was asking it more to himself than to me. "I love you, Nat..."

"I love you more, Z, I swear I do." I was quick to answer back, my voice cracking near the end. "But it's... I have to do a job and... and they told me I had to accept or else they would kill you."

"You know I can take care of myself..." He smiled lightly, but it didn't reach his eyes. His voice sounded so soft, like he was afraid he'd break the tender atmosphere surrounding us.

"I know, baby, but what if something happens and I lose you? I can't risk your life like that." I walked closer to him and cupped his cheek, seeing the tears prickle the corners of his eyes and shining under the lights.

"Please," Zayn begged. My heart was already breaking the minute his voice cracked, and I knew I had to get this done quickly before I broke into tears myself. I never cried, absolutely never, but this was way beyond my judgement.

"I'll come back for you, I promise, but don't go looking for me. I'll be okay, just wait and we'll be together again before you can even imagine." I pressed my forehead against his, whispering softly. "I love you."

Before he could reply, I turned on my heel and left, though the quiet "I love you too" didn't go unnoticed.

I climbed the stairs to my apartment quickly, wanting to cry but not a single tear coming out. I hated being like this. The last time I cried was six years ago and now I never left a single emotion peak through my face. I didn't like being vulnerable, but I was now and the only thing I needed was to cry.

I pushed the door open and caught a glimpse of Harry lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling and doing absolutely nothing. I had completely forgotten he was here, and he looked confused when he saw me. His brows were creased together, one of his palms behind his head and his shirtless torso shining under the lights.

God, he looked so good like this.

"What's up," Harry asked monotonously, his gravelly voice echoing in the room as I stood there, frozen. Then, I acknowledged everything and regained composure, running my hands through my hair and sniffling before I answered.

"Nothing, why?" I faked tranquility in my voice while I struggled to look as chill as I could. Apparently, Harry didn't buy it, because he squinted at me and sat straight on the couch, groaning in pain because of the gunshot wound on his side.

"You're not as good as you think you are when hiding emotions. You know that, right?" He kept an angry expression on his face, not getting a reaction from me.

"If something was wrong, why would you care anyways?" I shook my head and pursed my lips just as he stood up and walked towards the kitchen.

"I don't. It's called being polite." He teased, talking slowly as if I was stupid. I rolled my eyes at his idiotic statement and ran my hand through my hair once more.

"You're annoying." I sighed, getting a deep hum in response while I took off my leather jacket. "Did you call your boss?"

"I did." Harry turned around expressionless to look at me with a glass of water in his hand, keeping direct eye contact with me over the rim of the cup.

"Damn, you cops are so boring. Smile or something." I complained and sat on the couch.

"My sister's life depends on you and you're forcing me to do illegal shit, I think I'll pass." Harry curled his lips mockingly, making me roll my eyes once more. "What are we going to do anyways? You never told me and I think I get the right to know."

"We have to steal some shit. It's a chain trade." I explained without a single emotion, taking out my phone to check the location list. "I've already got all the places we have to go. Those guys are really into it, I guess, because these are all different countries we have to go to."

The minute I pronounced those last words, Harry choked on his water and nearly spat out the whole thing, taking his hand to his mouth. He coughed a couple times while I laughed quietly, waiting for him to chill.

"What?" He nearly yelled. "Different countries?"

"You heard me." I took a step forward, smirking. "You better pack your suitcases, we will be traveling a lot."

"I can't just travel around the world. I'm an FBI agent, it's my job to stay here." Harry complained, looking extremely infuriated and only fueling my entertainment. This was fun to watch; grumpy Harry was so cute.

"I hate to break it to you, but you aren't an agent anymore. You stopped being one the moment you took the license." I gave him a quick thumbs up before I left towards my room, leaving him speechless.

I was really tired, but this night was going to be exactly like the rest. My head throbbed horribly and I had never felt the need to sleep like this before. Every limb in my body hurt as hell and I felt like a giant sack of bricks; impossible to carry.

Quietly, I laid on my bed, on top of the covers, and stared at the ceiling. So empty. The ceiling always looked so empty. There was never anything up there that could help me get distracted. That's why I loved sleeping outside.

The stars were always looking down at me and keeping me company, and they lightened up the area so I wasn't scared at all. They looked like they glimmered, and sometimes I just wondered if the moon ever got tired of shining. I would if I was her, and I could even relate somehow.

My job in everyone's lives was the friend who's strong and is always there. The funny one, the one that hasn't got any demons. The truth was - I had more demons than anyone could imagine. So every now and then I got tired of having to be the missing moon on everyone's lives, tired of shining.

I didn't stop though. I never stopped. A lot of people counted on me and they deserved to be happy. If that meant overworking myself so they could have a perfect life, then I would do it.

But there was no moon in my life. I mean, there was, because I had Zayn, Jacob, Liam and now Alissa. Zayn could've been labeled as my personal moon, but not anymore. He wasn't mine now and who knew if he would ever be again.

I hadn't seen Liam in two weeks now and he probably already forgot about me. I couldn't blame him because I was, indeed, disappeared, and for the past few months I had been really distant.

Jacob... Jacob was never one to talk much. He never left me alone, that's for sure, but he wasn't the kind of guy that would go looking for you or would text you first. He was always quiet and closed, and I don't get along with closed people. Funny now, I did get along with him, but not how I wanted.

And I hadn't known Alissa long enough to give her a special spot in my life, even though she could've had one. But now I would have to wait a couple months to see her again, so what was the point in that.

I don't know, everything in my life just felt so empty. A humdrum, you could even say.

After some minutes of staring at my boring ceiling, I reached out to turn on the light and grab my notebook. The black leather cover shone under the dim lightning of the lamp and so did the ink written on it. I opened it and looked for an empty page to start writing.

The sound of the fan echoed around the room as I got lost in my thoughts, writing every single thing that peaked through my mind. The coding I used was literally uncrackable, and I thanked my intelligence quotient for that.

This notebook kept more secrets than I myself ever did.

Ayo.

This chapter is short and boring
but you'll get more action
within the next chapters.

I'm sorry I didn't update
before, I was out the whole weekend
on a town nearby and I
had no internet.

Stay safe, love you.