༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

TELL ME, WHAT IS real beauty? Is it based simply on appearance? According to your personality? What is the essence of beauty? Unfortunately, in this society, appearance is everything.

They all have beauty standards in place to ensure your acceptance. To everyone, you're only pretty if you have the perfect looks and are the cutest female on campus.

Mas madali ka namang mapansin talaga 'pag maganda ka, you'd most likely be the focus of attention. Na daig mo pa nga ang atensyon ng isang artista dahil sa kagandahang taglay mo.

But for the woman, someone like myself, Eteri Rylnn Magallanes. It fails to work that way for me. I don't have the looks, and I've always taken the nasty insults that everyone has directed at me ever since I endured the greatest bullying in my life.

I was peacefully sitting on a nice chair and dealing with a couple of readings. Sa dami ko ba namang research projects, 'no? And now I have to perform each study on how people perceive libraries. 

And, on top of that, everything was scattered around me. A large pile of books. Parang sinasadya rin talaga ng prof ko na damihan ang requirements ko considering that I'm the top of our class.

Plus, that's all I was good at anyway. That I'm smart, 'di man ako maganda pero mapagmamalaki ko naman ang talino na meron ako.

I'm currently on the second floor of the St. Mary's Library. It's quite large, and the windows are open, allowing sunlight to stream through.

Shelves are well-maintained, with each book and division separated. The air was filled with the smell of books! Oh! I wouldn't mind staying here forever. All you could hear was the soft sound of pages moving.

The library was more than just a book collection; it was also a community. Since I was assigned to the events, workshops such as author readings, educational programs, and other topics. That's why I enjoy this course so much.

I'm currently studying at St. Mary's Private College, at para makapasok ka ng maaga kailangan mo lang maglakad ng mga 5 minuto kapag nasa ilalim ka na ng arko. 

Ang hirap sumakay kahit umaga pa lang, 'di' ba? Mabilis naman biyahe sa jeep, lalo na kung galing ka sa Guiguinto. H'wag nga lang madadapuan ng traffic dahil doon maleletse lahat! 

Pero kailangan ko nang magtiis, tutal third year naman na ako sa kurso kong Bachelor of Library and Information Science. Or BLIS in short!

At sa kursong 'to, asahan mo nang marami kang research projects and madaming librong kailangang basahin, especially if one of your courses includes library management, cataloging and categorization, information retrieval, digital libraries, and research methods.

Sa practical mo naman, kailangan mong matutunan ang technology proficiency it's when you train in the library and reference services to learn how to help clients find information in the library at syempre kasama na rin ang pag-archive sa practical mo.

I yawned slightly and decided to take a rest from my studies at isa-isa kong niligpit ang mga 'yon. Dahan-dahan kong inurong ang upuan and I stood up quietly. At tsaka ko nilagay ko ang mga libro sa shelves nito at nagsimulang maglakad. 

And, like before, I can see and hear the kind of awful comments that they're saying to me. That's exactly how my life goes. It's not something new.

"That's her. The Cereal monster,"

"Kadiri! Hindi ba siya nahihiya sa sarili niya at pumasok pa talaga siya rito?"

"She should see herself in the mirror, 'di siya bagay rito! Kung ako sa babaeng 'yan, dapat mag-drop na lang siya."

Inayos ko ang facemask ko at dahan-dahan ko silang pinagmasdan, pero napaubo ako ng saglit, "Is there anything you wish to say to me?" 

Upon seeing my looks, isa-isa naman silang naghihiyaw akala mo naman parang multo ang nakita nila. Fear has fully consumed their system, and they don't even treat me like an ordinary person. They consider me a monster because of how ugly I am.

Others see it as an amusement kahit wala naman talagang nakakatawa sa mga ginagawa nila. Others would make faces and act as if they simply normalized how to cancel people dahil lang sa panget ka.

They treated me like a monster just because I had Vitiligo dahil sa pagkakaiba ko sa kanila, na para bang isang virus ang taong makakadikit sa 'kin. But that's where they're wrong.

Vitiligo is a disease that causes loss of skin color in patches. The discolored areas usually get bigger with time. The condition can affect the skin on any part of the body. It can also affect hair and the inside of the mouth.

Normally, the color of hair and skin is determined by melanin. Vitiligo occurs when cells that produce melanin die or stop functioning. Vitiligo affects people of all skin types, but it may be more noticeable in people with brown or Black skin. The condition is not life-threatening or contagious.

And the reason I wore mask most of the time 'di dahil sa ikinalat nilang tsismis na may virus ako o sa ilang kadahilanan na magkakasakit ang mga tao kung lalapit sila sa 'kin and that's because I always feel so insecure of how people looked at me especially how they look at me.

As if they completely convinced themselves na isa akong halimaw. Even if I'm not. They just convinced themselves that I was that kind of monster.

Halos ganito na ang takbo ng buhay ko sa araw-araw. Lait sa umaga hanggang gabi ang tanging natatanggap ko.

Nakasanayan ko na lang na marinig ang mga panglait nila and I decided not to argue with it any longer dahil alam kong walang karapatan ang isang pangit na tulad ko sa mundong 'to kundi lunukin ko na lang ang sakit na natatanggap ko sa kanila dahil wala akong karapatan.

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

BAGAMA'T ALAM KONG sobra-sobra na ang pang-aabuso sa akin, lalo na sa panlalait nila sa 'kin wala ako magawa kundi manatili na lang parang isang bingi and decided not to care about my feelings because I know that I'm ugly.

Para sa'n pa?

When people are just good enough to prove themselves while constantly stepping on someone else's feelings as if it doesn't matter. It's exhausting to prove yourself to anyone because you know they're always correct, even when they're not.

And I'm not here to please anyone, so why should I care about their opinions? People will not always like you, which I guess that's fine. The fact that you're still here and standing is more important.

Kinuha ko na lang 'yung libro ko and I sighed, "Habang tuwang-tuwa kayo kakalait sa 'kin, ipapaalala ko lang na may recitation mamaya about sa Basic Microeconomics."

"We will also discuss the Library and Information Management at kung ayaw niyong mapatayo nang 'di oras ng prof mamaya you better start studying."

The girl suddenly stopped laughing, implying that she didn't enjoy what I had just told her.

Her eyebrows furrowed at agad naman itong napatingin sa 'kin and she snapped and grabbed my shirt. "Nanay ba kita? So, what the heck!? What exactly do you want me to say, freak?"

"It's not that," I murmured.

Wala naman talaga akong gusto na ipamukha sa kanila or anything. That has not crossed my mind either. Pero kung makatingin sila parang ako pa ang may kasalanan dito.

Nung isang araw sinisi nila ako dahil 'di sila nakasagot sa quiz at galit na galit sila sa 'kin. Kaya naman sinubukan kong ipaalala sa kanila 'yung tungkol sa recitation namin yet I'm still the one who's wrong. Is this how society actually works?

Na 'yung magaganda lang ang may karapatan na mabuhay? Why? Ginusto ko ba na maging ganito ako? Problema ko ba talaga at pangit ako? I never even wanted this!

Kahit na kailan 'di ko 'to ginusto! I never wanted all of this. Kung alam lang nila, hindi ko 'to ginusto. Dahil tulad nila, gusto ko rin na respetuhin ako ng iba. 

Pero bakit parang pinipigilan ako kapag humihingi ako ng kahit kaunting respeto? At ang nararamdaman mo ay 'di mahalaga sa iba because of your looks?

The other girl completely completely rolled her eyes and she just smirked at me and dahan-dahan naman itong lumapit papunta sa direksyon ko para hablutin na lang niya ang buhok ko.

"Aba sumasagot ka pa! Pwede ba Eteri h'wag ka nga mag-feeling d'yan! You may be smart as hell but look at your face in the mirror."

She tapped my face and began laughing,
"Hindi ka nababagay dito at kahit kelan walang lugar ang isang tulad mong pangit! Face the reality, you freak!"

I bit my lip at halos mapaluha na lang ako at umiling ako. Hanggang kailan ko mararanasan 'to? And, ano raw? Face the reality?

FYI, ang tagal ko nang tinanggap ang lahat tungkol sa pagkatao ko! They don't understand how difficult it is for me to live like that almost every day para lang marinig ko at ipamukha sa 'kin kung anong klaseng buhay ang  mayroong ako.

'Di ko hahayaang insultuhin nila ako ng ganito! May puso pa rin ako. Tao pa rin ako.  Samakatuwid, 'di ako karapat-dapat na dumanas ng ganitong uri ng pambabastos!

Dahan-dahan ko na lang sinara ang mga kamao ko and I just looked away. Naluluha na ako, ramdam ko ang bigat ng aking damdamin, at 'di ko na kinaya ang mga panlalait nila sa 'kin, kaya tinulak ko sila palayo sa akin.

"Face the reality? I already did! Matagal na panahon na rin simula nang humarap ako sa katotohanang 'to at wala ni sino man ang tatanggap sa 'kin! You want me to face reality?Ang tagal na sa akin ipinamukha sa akin ng lahat na ganito lang akong klaseng tao."

My face was filled with so much hurt, my eyes are covered with tears and they're quickly falling from my eyes and I couldn't stop from crying. 

Pinunasan ko ang mukha ko pero taksil ang mga luha ko—patuloy pa rin 'to tumutulo. Sobra lang ako nabastos! Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko? I just bit my lower lip at wala man lang ako magawa sa mga masasakit na sinabi nila sa 'kin.

"Buong buhay ko, paulit-ulit na lamang sa 'kin kung paano ako insultuhin because of my Vitiligo! Pero kahit gano'n ginagawa ko pa rin naman ang best ko to live my life even if people like you have done nothing but judge me. Sabihin mo nga sa 'kin ngayon, what did I do to deserve this!?"

Tama na...

Ano pa ba dapat kong marinig?

Because I know.

Damn, I already knew I was a monster because of my Vitiligo!

Gayunpaman, sinusubukan ko pa ring mamuhay ng normal! Ilang beses pa man ipamukha sa 'kin na wala akong lugar dito. 

Maraming beses na akong pinaalalahanan ng mga tao na wala akong karapatang mabuhay sa mundong 'to dahil pangit ako, kaya kahit masakit na ang mga sinasabi nila at kahit gusto kong sumuko, pinipilit kong mabuhay nang 'di nakikinig sa kanilang masasakit na salita nila. Kahit  alam kong pagod na ako, lumalaban pa rin ako.

Sa kabila ng malupit na katotohanan, nagagawa kong mamuhay bilang isang normal na estudyante na may ngiti sa labi. Kahit alam kong walang magmamahal sa 'kin, I still do my best to accept myself.  Kahit ako na lang. Mararamdaman ko rin na may halaga pa rin ako.

Self love is the most important thing in the world. Mahirap ibigay sa sarili ko ang bagay na 'yon pero pinipilit kong ibigay sa sarili ko 'yon kahit alam kong walang magmamahal sa 'kin.

Come on, they don't need to point out the obvious here. Alam ko naman na, alam ko na 'di ako maganda. That's why I never considered myself a beautiful girl. I was nothing but an average, ugly girl.

I heard someone say from behind, "If you really hate this kind of life, then do your best to make yourself pretty then."

That voice. I recognize who it is.

He must be the one.

Steele Ridge Sasaki.

Why did he?

Bakit ba naman sa lahat ng tao na makakakita ng katangahan ko, siya pa!?

I never wanted to see my ex-boyfriend again. Yes, him. He's a Japanese exchange student who also attended one of Bulacan's universities, too. He's a Chemical Engineering student at Redvalley Private University.

We met up last summer, but our relationship didn't work out since he dumped me. We were best friends at first, but as we grew closer, we realized our real feelings for each other and started to date. But things didn't work out between us. Because his dreams become the root of our problems.

Tuwang-tuwa pa ang mga babae and they put their hands over their mouth at narinig ko silang nagsitawanan na lang sila at nagsimula na naman sila sa pambubully nila sa 'kin, "Right! Dapat kasi manalamin na lang siya at lumayas na sa university natin. Tignan mo nga, even your ex tells you that you're ugly. Hahaha!"

Magaling ba talaga sila sa ganyan? Sa tingin ba nila kaya nilang husgahan ang iba? Gaano katagal ko kailangang harapin 'to? Dapat ko na lang bang balewalain ang nararamdaman ko dahil sa tingin ko ay 'di ako maganda?

Dapat ba lumaban ako? Pagod na talaga ako sa lahat ng ito! Sabi nila 'di ko dapat nararamdaman 'to dahil wala ako sa level nila! I am so sick of becoming some goody-two-shoes na dapat nilang apak-apakan na lang!

Inayos naman ni Steele ang kamera niya at napailing na lang ako sa paligid ko. I see, he's not lying on a single matter. That he truly enjoyed taking pictures, which is why he became a member of the photography club, and he mostly assists in one of the pageants in most colleges. Kaya ba siya nandito?

Tama na Eteri, What you had with him was nothing but a lie. Stop lying to yourself.

"And I gathered some evidence. Some three witches teasing a beautiful girl. That's bad. Do you want me to tell this to the dean, hmm? Just make your call ladies," he said, taking a picture of the girls who had been bullying me with a strong flash.

Halos namutla na lang ang mga babaeng nangaasar sa akin kanina at agad silang nagtakbuhan, "We'll remember this! Humanda ka sa amin sa susunod Eteri Rylnn Magallanes, humanda ka sa 'min pangit!"

"Freaks," Steele chuckled and he rolled his eyes.

Inayos ko naman na ang buhok ko at kinuha ko na lang 'yung gamit ko at nauna na ako. I didn't want this to be so uncomfortable for the two of us. At wala kaming dapat na pag-usapan pa. Because we've already broken up that summer. Tapos na 'yon.

"Eteri," Hinigit naman ni Steele 'yung kamay ko at agad ko na lang inalis 'yon sa kanya. Bakit ba!?

"We have nothing to talk about."Seryoso ko na lang na sinabi

This is reality. And I should accept the context of this reality.

Na kahit na kailan, walang tao ang may kakayahang tumanggap sa isang katulad ko. As I already mentioned, appearance is everything in this society. And I don't have it in any of the attractive faces around here.

Na kahit ano palang tanggap ko sa sarili, having this vitiligo will continue to damage my confidence sa mata ng iba, parang kasalanan ang maging isang pangit.

Na kapag 'di ka maganda dapat mong ihanda ang sarili mo sa mga panghuhusga na kaya nilang gawin, lalo na kung pangit ka and it's forbidden for you to love someone.

The only people who can love are those with attractive faces. That's the harsh truth that I must face.