KABANATA 10:

A change of heart.

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❝ How come I can't seem to get away from it? I had a harder time breathing, as if I were in a closet trying to figure out how to open it to escape the nightmare that I just wanted to end. When someone thinks you're disgusting, they'll just have to make you feel horrible and worse. Is it really too much to ask that I might not find it so difficult to understand why people constantly ask me questions if I were attractive?❞ — from the hues of the sunshine

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

UMILING-ILING NA lang ako. Kung hindi pa halata, parang masyado na akong napahiya sa harap ni Steele and I gave him a glare. "Pwede ba, Let us begin immediately. I have work to do here!" Sigaw ko na lang sa kanya. 

Steele smirked at me while he was looking at me intently. "Work, o baka naman tinitignan mo lang ako magdamag? Which, if it's you, I don't mind,"

Ang feeling talaga ng lalaking ito kahit kelan! Wala akong gusto sa kanya please lang.

Masyado pa yatang maaga para bwisitin niya ako, 'di' ba? Alam mo, bahala na siya sa buhay niya. Wala ako panahon para makipag-asaran sa kanya noh! Ngumitin naman na ako sa kanya at tignan ko siya nang nakakaasar, kung gusto niya makipag-bwisitan edi go! Akala niya hindi ko siya papatulan, ha? Gosh, really! This guy is really irritating.

Ate Tory keeps on giggling at us and one of her staffs suddenly comes in and whispered at her. She gave her a thumbs up and then she finally walked towards us para lang harangin ang pagitan namin ni Steele, "Ehem," napaubo si Ate Tory at napatingin ako sa kanya, "You guys are adorable, but we're working, kids. Steele, mamaya mo na harutin. Interview muna!"

"Work daw muna...." Isang ngiti ang bumalot kay Steele at lumapit 'to sa'kin para bulungan niya ako, "Baby, let's discuss it later, okay?"

"Haha. Tangina mo talaga." Kulang na lang itayo ko na 'yung middle finger ko para murahin siya ng todo. I'm so ecstatic about him because I'm going to kick his ass. That jerk!

The woman later rose from her chair, walked with grace, and napatigil ako saglit ng makita ko 'yung babae. Morena 'yong babae, her hair was cut into a textured, touseled black bob red hair, makapal ang mga kilay niya, she had full lips, a pointed nose, and brown monolid eyes, and she looked stunning.

She has a brown crush small shoulder bag, a red dress, and a black furry scarf. She's also proudly wearing white pump heels. Simple lang ang makeup niya as well as complementing her inherent beauty.

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Steele put on his glasses and simply grinned at the woman, saying, "Sarice, you're up."

I had to glare at the woman as she eyed me and swiftly pushed me away while adjusting her scarf. She looked at me from head to toe and grinned at 'di niya maiwasang matawa na lang, "Paharang-harang kasi." pagpaparinig na lang niya sa'kin.

"Ano?" Tanong ko na lang.

"Gosh, this is unbelievable." Umirap pa ulit sa'kin 'yung babae.

Pareho kaming nasa trabaho kaya 'di ko siya pinansin. Pinuri ko pa naman ang mukha niya. Pero sa totoo lang, para 'tong inukit sa canvas! Ang arte-arte! English pa nang english! Nasa pinas kaya tayo, kaya mag-Tagalog siya, pwede ba? 'Di ko siya kilala! Kaya bakit niya ako ininis? What? Have I ever negatively affected her in any way?

I chimed, "Miss." Are you having an issue with me?"

"Tingin ka sa salamin, makikita mo kung ga'no kalaki ng problema ng mukha mo. Epal ka eh, aling-pusa ka lang dito."She tapped my shoulders and grinned at me as though she were offering me advice or something. "So I suppose you should go where you belong." Nang-iinsulto pa siya and that bothers me.

"Ha? Ano?" Tanong ko pa.

Alam ko naman na sasabihan niya akong panget. Bakit 'di niya pa sabihin ng harapan? Hindi 'yung plastik siya! Mahirap bang sabihin 'yon? I detest this so much! When those people despise me, dinadaan-daan pa nila pagpaparinig! Kung ayaw nila sa'kin, sabihin nila! Hindi 'yung ganito! Para akong nanghuhula kung galit sa'kin 'yong tao o hindi!

Considering how that girl gazes at me, para bang sinasadya niyang itaas ang pagkakatayo niya and I was unable to articulate the extent to which she was prepared to make fun of me and treat me like an idiot. She was staring at me from head to toe to let me know that I didn't have to be as good as her.

I could tell by her gestures that she didn't even need to explain it. Every detail about people always catches my attention. Particularly when they're trying to make me appear foolish.

She was laughing at me, and I could see how much she rolled her eyes. She pointed at me while narrowing her eyes at bahagya pa niya akong tinulak, "Kailangan ko pa bang i-explain sa'yo? All right, all right. You're stupid and ugly if you don't get it. Panget ka! This is the reality that you can't avoid."

Alam ko naman 'yon. Alam ko naman talaga na pangit ako. I am already aware that nobody in this world is willing to accept me wherever I go. Dahan-dahan tumulo ang luha ko at inalis ko na lang ang tingin ko sa kanya and I simply glanced downward.

Napahawak na lang ako sa mukha ko at patuloy sa pag-agos ang mga luha. Akala ko sanay na ako. Pero ang mahirap, ang magagawa lang natin ay tanggapin ang masasakit na sinasabi ng ibang tao dahil wala naman talagang lugar para sa'kin dito

"Pathetic." She rolled her eyes.

"Just hold it there!" Nabitawan naman ni Ate Tory ang mga damit na hawak niya at dire-diretso siyang pumunta sa direksyon namin and she took hold of her arm, saying, "What are you doing, Sarice?"

"What? Here, I'm just giving the facts. 'Di niyo naman siguro balak gawing pugad ng mga pangit 'tong kompanya niyo? I gave her some advice because I'm still being kind here," she said, grinning at me.

Pinunasan ko na lang ang luha ko at sinamaan ko ng tingin si Sarice. Advice niya kaya ang mukha niya! Her nasty personality made me a fool for even admiring her beauty! Masama siya! If the term is correct. Ganito ba talaga 'yon? Ang tanging bagay ba na talagang masasabi mong katanggap-tanggap ka sa mundong ito ay base sa kung ga'no ka kaganda o kagwapo?

Lagi na lang bang ganito, ha? Lagi na lang ba akong mag-aadjust sa pangungutya nila sa'kin? This was also the case when I started college. It was always other people who made fun of me whenever they wanted to, thinking they were so privileged kahit na wala naman akong ginagawa. Kailangan ba ako na lang lagi ang magtitiis?

I'm not sure who I can trust anymore. Hangga't alam nilang pwede nila akong pagtripan, gagawin nila. No matter how much they cross my boundaries, it makes no difference. They don't care what strategies they employ as long as I appear to be the villain.

After taking a deep breath, Ate Tory simply eyed Sarice, and her looks weren't as pleasant as when I first met her. "What did you say again, bitch? Can you repeat it for me? You must be confused about something in this, aren't you?"

She simply massaged her temples at napapikit na lang siya. Pansin na pansin na sa buong mukha ni Ate Tory na galit na galit na siyaHowever, she was simply maintaining her usual composure. Her gaze seems frightening enough to swallow her own prey, and she gritted her teeth. Ngumisi naman si Ate Tory at pinalapit ang isang staff, saka inabot sa kanya ang isang folder.

After that, she opened the folder containing the Sarice application at pinunit niya 'yon sa harapan niya.

"What have you done? Why are you with her at all, though? Ang pangit niya, tignan mo!" sigaw ni Sarice at pinagduduro-duro na lang niya ako. 

"Sarice Enrichetta Canlapán! Enough!" Sumigaw na lang si Ate Tory at sinamaan niya 'to ng tingin, "Because you don't have enough money to cover your college expenses, you begged Steele to work here. I said yes, even though I don't agree with what you did with her. You snake! You are aware of what I mean!"

Tumulo na lang ang luha ni Sarice at parang halos gumuho na ang mundo niya sa mga narinig niya. She gave me a fierce look and hiccupped a little. "Kasalanan mo 'to, panget ka!" sigaw niya sa'kin, at dali-dali niyang kinuha ang bag niya at umalis.

Kinawayan pa siya ni Ate Tory at ngumisi, "Gusto mo bang ipahatid kita? Sayang naman, ang layo pa naman—"

"Whatever!" Sigaw ni Sarice at dali-daling pumunta sa pintuan, at pinagbagsakan pa siya ng pinto.

"What just happened?"

His brittle voice startled me a little; I had no idea that he sounded even more manly than before. 'Di ko alam kung pa'no ko siya haharapin ngayon. And how am I able to do that? Basang-basa ng luha ang mukha ko at halos magkalat na ang mascara ko sa kakaiyak.

"Ask your model! We're having a terrible time with that bitch. Siya 'tong nagbibigay ng problema sa trabaho, eh! Lalo kay Eteri!" inis na sinabi ni Ate Tory 

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

BAHAGYA KONG  tinago ang mukha ko at napansin kong nakatingin sa akin si Steele. Nakabukas ang kwelyo ng black leather jacket niya at napansin ko ang tattoo sa leeg niya, other than that, he wears a few rings and a chained necklace. He had the appearance of a bad boy.

Teka nga, Eteri! 'Di naman 'yon ang pinunta mo rito 'di' ba? Dahan-dahan akong lumayo at tinapakan ang papel na pinunit kanina ni Ate Tory. Nagulat na lang ako nang hilahin na lang ni Steele ang damit ko para mapaharap ako sa kanya.

"What are you...."

He glanced at me, and his eyes widened slightly. Damn it, kitang-kita na niya ngayon kung gaano ka-kalat ang mukha ko dahil sa makeup! He refuses to speak at all. It's difficult to know what he's been thinking. Sobrang tahimik lang niya. He was examining me closely, uncertain of what he would say next.

Nothing seems to be breaking the silence we've established between us, and it feels more awkward to talk at all. It's as if we're both living in our own worlds. He looks like he's so overwhelmed by his thoughts that he's scared to share them.

"Explain what happened to me," Steele said.

My voice is breaking at napatingin na lang ako sa kanya, "I didn't do anything..." Sabi ko na lang at hindi ko siya matignan ng maayos. Tumulo na lang ang luha ko at 'di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na umiyak.

I couldn't stop crying, so I blinked a few times and let the tears fall down my cheeks. Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng katawan ko at lalo na lang akong umiyak.

Why must I constantly face discrimination because of my appearance?

Steele placed my face against his chest while he gazed at me at niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit, "I would definitely believe in you. You're my girl. You'll never tell lies."

I desired to push him away dahil ayokong kaawan niya ako but there was nothing I could do. Right now, my body is frozen, so I couldn't do anything at napahawak na lang ako nang mahigpit sa damit niya at umiyak na lang. How could my Vitiligo have affected them? This is how it has always been! The mere fact that my skin tone differed from other girls' lagi na lang nila papansinin ang mga kapintasan sa'yo and I'm tired of it!

Anyone with as many insecurities as I do would recognize how sensitive this is to them. Nakakatawa ba talaga ang hitsura ko? Ganito ba talaga nila ako tignan?

Yes, those around me are gifted due to their beauty at sa totoo lang, ako na mismo ang nahihiya para sa sarili ko, dahil sa tuwing titignan ko ang hitsura ko sa salamin sobrang na-insecure ako. Maybe I wouldn't have to deal with all of this if my skin were more attractive. Sa bawat at gabi lagi akong napapatanong sa sarili ko how could I possibly deserve all of this bullying?

"Follow me," kinuha ni Steele ang kamay ko at dali-dali niya ako hinila palabas. Luckily, 'di pa nakakalayo si Sarice and he just gave her a call.

"Sarice!"Sigaw ni Steele.

Halatang nainis siya lalo sa nakita niya, "Pati ikaw? Sige, ano'ng kamalasan ang ginawa ko para ipagtanggol niyo lang ang panget na 'yan!" sigaw ni Sarice and she glared at me while furiously stomping her feet. 

Steele cautioned her, saying, "Don't think that you can just get away with it. You've hurt Eteri."

"Ha!? Why are you by her side, Steele? Ako ang best friend mo! I should have you by my side!" Pagrereklamo ni Sarice at sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. Alam ko kung ga'no niya ako sinisisi, pero mali rin naman 'yong ginawa niya sa'kin ha? So why is she blaming me for everything?

"If you don't understand, I only said yes because you needed assistance paying for college. However, you have badly hurt her once more." He said before giving her a scowl, "Never think that I'll ever forgive you for that."

Napahawak na lang sa si Sarice sa bewang at hindi siya makapaniwala sa mga naririnig niya ngayon. Umikot-ikot pa siya sa paligid namin and she simply massaged the back of her neck at wala siyang tigil sa kaka-ikot and she simply chuckled. "Wow! Grabe! Ano'ng gayuma ang ginawa ng panget na 'yan para kampihan mo? Sabihin mo nga!"

Huminga na lang ng malalim si Steele at mas lalong 'di niya nagustuhan ang mga pinagsasabi ni Sarice. Para bang kilalang-kilala na niya 'to. As a sign of his displeasure with her, he once again glared at her and furrowed his brows. "Stop making fun of Eteri! Baka nakakalimutan mo na dahil sa'yo, kaya kami nag-break ni Eteri no'ng Senior High!"

You're nothing more than a manipulator, so stop pretending to be some perfect girl here. I'm aware of how you controlled everything para lang mag-break kami." Habol niya pa.

Halos manlaki na ang mata ko sa mga sinabi niya.

What exactly did he mean when he said that Sarice was the cause of our breakup?

Nalilito ako. 'Di' ba siya umalis dahil sa pagod niya siya sa'kin? 'Yon ang dahilan 'di' ba? Kaya ano'ng sinasabi niya? Napahawak na lang ako sa ulo ko at sobrang naguluhan ako sa sinabi niya. Gusto kong tanungin si Steele, I 'm unable to speak, though because I was shocked by the reality that hit me.

"Steele, what are you—"

Tumingin sa'kin si Steele at inilapit ang daliri niya sa bibig ko, "Listen to me, Eteri. Regarding everything. You can ask questions later," he told me at tumango lang ako sa kanya. Gusto kong malaman ang maraming bagay, ngunit hahayaan ko siyang magsabi sa 'kin ng buong katotohanan.

I was also curious as to why Sarice was required to do this. She seemed really upset with me, and I have no idea why, even though I didn't know her.

Muling nagtama ang mata namin ni Sarice, at tulad ng mga reaksyon niya kanina, ang sama pa rin ng tingin niya sa 'kin. "Seriously, Steele? Ganun ka pa rin katanga sa panget na 'yan? I did send her a text. I told her that you had abandoned her using your phone, but 'di ka pa rin ba sumusuko sa kanya? Why? Does she make you feel good during sex?"

"Shut the fuck up, bago pa dumilim ang tingin ko sa'yo, gusto mo pala ng katotohanan, ha? Sige, pagbibigyan kita." Sabi na lang ni Steele and he took me by his side pagkatapos ay hinila niya ako palapit at tinignan ako ng mabuti, at unti-unting nagbago ang ekspresyon niya and his eyes softened.

Napaiwas ako ng tingin, pero diretso pa rin ang tingin niya sa 'kin as though I'm the only precious person he will ever have. As if there were flecks of color in love, his dominance has suddenly changed to one that is colorful.

"Sarice, I don't need any appearances. She possesses all that you lack. To me, Eteri will always be absolutely stunning."

"C'mon, you don't really mean that you find her that serious, do you?"Sarice found it hard to believe at napahawak na lang siya sa mukha niya, looking so pitiful at the moment.

"A manwhore like you, really? I don't think so," Sarice stated gravely.

'Di ako makapaniwala sa mga sinabi ni Sarice at umiling-iling na lang ako. Bumitaw ako kay Steele at pumunta sa harap nya and shifted my hands para protektahan ko siya, "Bawiin mo ang sinabi mo." I gritted my teeth, "Hindi siya ganung klaseng lalaki. Hindi sex ang habol niya sa 'kin and who are you to make judgments about others? Wala kang alam tungkol sa kanya so shut up!"

"Mga bwisit kayo!"Sarice gave her heels a fierce tap saka niya kami iniwasan and I sighed.

I feel as though I have defeated all of my inner demons, but my heart is still pounding frantically from anxiety.

I was successful. Yes, I did fight back.