KABANATA 04:

The girl who's always smiling.

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❝How often must I put up with all of these things? Words seem pretty harsh, and it's difficult to accept what they've spoken. It resembled a thousand shards that no matter how hard you try, you can never fix. However, how come other people decide to use their words only to make you feel bad? ❞ — from the hues of the sunshine

Mentions of mental health conditions, hate speech, and offensive language are examples of trigger warnings that could be included in the chapter. Be careful when reading it. You've been warned.

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

I LET OUT another sigh and assured her that she didn't need to worry about anything. Kaya't ipinatong ko ang kamay ko sa balikat niya at tumingin sa kanya ng seryoso, "Ma, okay lang ako. Okay lang ako."

'Di naman mapakali si Mama at paulit-ulit niyang nilitanya ang kailangan kong gawin and her tears are practically visible to me. "Kapag dating mo ro'n, ask your friends to use a Holter monitor and an ECG to check you. It's necessary for someone to keep an eye on your heartbeat and do tests that gauge its electrical activity. I take it that you know that?"

Tumango-tango na lang ako sa mga sinabi niya. She has been quite concerned about me. Kahit na 'di naman na kailangan. 

Halley's eyes narrowed as she gazed at me, unable to trust in me. If anyone can articulate it, Halley was just concerned about me. Dapat nga akong magalit sa kanya dahil sinumbong niya ako kay Mama, noh! I despise her because of that.

Masyado silang nag-aalala kahit na wala namang dahilan para mag-alala tungkol dito since I'm already okay in the first place.

Wala silang dapat ipag-alala sa 'kin, pwede ba? Kaya ko naman talaga ang sarili ko eh.

Tignan mo tuloy, nag-aalala pa si Mama. They don't need to worry about me; I'm all right. Ayos lang naman ako.

"Halley, thank you so much!"Pagpapasalamat naman ni Mama sa best friend ko. When it comes to me, she has always been the meldoramatic one. I mean, it's not a bad thing, and I can see how much my parents loved me because of that.

"We'll be alright here, Mom. Umuwi na po kayo. Nobody can see me here, in particular lalo na 'yong bruha na 'yon baka sumugod pa rito." Seryoso ko na lang na sinabi sa kanya I couldn't resist rolling my eyes. For someone such as my aunt, pasensya na, pero wala na akong respeto na natitira sa kanya. Respect is reserved for those who are deserving of it.

"Eteri," my mother called, clearly glancing at me. Syempre ano pa nga ba? Kahit nababastos ka na, ikaw pa rin ang mag-adjust. Very good! Kaya wala akong nagawa kundi tumango na lang.

"Whatever." This was too much for me to handle. I should at least be respected kahit bilang tao lang naman 'di' ba? And people can't just give it to me, of course dahil sa hitsura ko, kaya ayoko na makipagtalo; ibang tao rin naman mananalo sa huli. 

Then someone came to a stop in front of us at kinabahan ako kung sino 'yon. Then nakita ko ang tita ko having those obnoxious eyes on her as she looks up and down at me like she's seeing a pest. Tignan mo....

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko. To be treated with dignity. What aspect of that does she find incomprehensible? Ramdam ko na naman kung pa'no niya ako tignan. She acts as though she's doing everything out of concern and is usually seen smiling broadly.

She constantly demonstrates her concern for you pero 'pag nakatalikod ka, puro insulto na ang maririnig mo! Does she love someone like this? Tangina, 'di ko kailangan ng ganung klaseng pagmamahal kung salungat naman at peke ang pinapakita sa 'yo. 

"Whoa. What a reunion. 'Di ba ako kasali?" She asked.

My dad suddenly approached me at siya ang humarang upang harapin ang kapatid niya. Something I never would have imagined seeing. I feel as though my hope has been restored and I can now see the light that lies ahead. Huminga siya ng malalim attinignan niya nang masama ang tita ko.

"Maeve, pwede ba? Hayaan mo naman kaming makita ang anak namin. At sa tingin mo ha? Sino ka ba? Si Eteri ang mas nakakahigit sa'min alam mo 'yan! Akala mo siguro 'di ko malalaman ang pinagagawa mo, ha?" Tanong nito sa kanya at umirap na lang si Tita Maeve, parang wala siyang pake.

She can't be saved. Your smile may seem right and just, but when you look at the reflection behind it, you realize how shallow you really are. She's like that. 

Napahawak na lang sa bewang si Dad at napapikit, "Akala mo siguro 'di ko alam na hinaharang mo ang perang para na dapat bata napupunta! Alam mong may sakit 'yan! Bobo ka ba!?"

Tita Maeve stared at me at kitang-kita kung gaano niya ako kinamumuhian sa pagngiwi na lang ng mukha niya, "Oo, sakit na niya ang kapangitan niya. Ew. Tignan mo nga 'yung balat niya! Normal pa ba 'yan? Hahaha parang hindi! Parang 'yung kapangitan niya 'di na mawawala sa kanya." I could tell she was laughing at me at tuwang-tuwa pa siya na pinagtatawanan na naman niya ang hitsura ko.

Lumapit si Tita Maeve at tinitignan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa And she really can't stop laughing about it. She rolled her eyes and folded her arms at kitang-kita naman kung gaano siya nasusuka sa hitsura ko. Tapos, lumapit pa siya lalo and then nag-iikot sa harap ko and putting her hands on her waist slowly, as though she were trying to make me smaller or something.

Mom stepped in between us at saka niya pinigilan si Tita Maeve, "Seriously? Gaganyanin mo siya ngayon? Maeve, pamangkin mo 'yan, baka pati 'yon nakakalimutan mo na rin, ha!? Tapos, lalait-laitin mo? Gago ka, ah!" Sigaw na lang ni Mama at lumapit siya kay Tita Maeve at sinabunutan 'to.

Once more and again. It happened once more. What did these people get from my Vitiligo? Isang malaking kasalanan ba na magkaroon ako ng ganitong klaseng balat ha? My face was filled with tears at sunod-sunod ang pagtulo nito. Although she finds this situation amusing, my insecurities suddenly surfaced, and I felt as though I was in a situation where people were already pointing at me.

Napakagat na lang ako sa labi ko at tumulo na lang ang mga luha ko, "Tita Maeve..." Huminga na lang ako nang malalim at tinignan ko na lang siya, and the tension between us was already apparent to me. All I want to do is leave. At napatingin ako sa paligid ko and I'm exhausted from everything.

She gave me another smirk, as though she could gaze down at me at any time. She smirked at me as she gave me her cocky glance. "Ano ba 'yon ha pangit?"She questioned, and she immediately identified me. Sige, ako na naman. Ako na naman 'yung pangit.

I tried to relax, but I was unable to. I therefore made the decision to approach her more. Huminga ako ng malalim saka siya tinignan, "How are you able to accomplish this? 'Di naman po ako nagreklamo 'di 'ba? Kahit ilang beses niyo nang itapon 'yung gamot ko, kahit alam niyo naman na kailangang-kailangan ko po 'yun.." 

Pinunasan ko na lang ang mga luha ko. And I could see the scenery clearly. The way she pushed me down para matapon 'yung mga gamot ko. And after that, she would conclude by expressing how much she enjoys making me appear stupid. Even though she was already pushing me to this point, 'di pa rin ba sapat sa kanya ang pag-apak sa pride ko?

"You motherfucker, how can you do this?"I gave her a glare as I asked at tumulo na lang ang mga luha ko. Halos manginig ang baba ko and I take a step toward her to gaze at her, saying, "I hope you remember that you ruin my life. Pero para bastusin ako ng ganito, malala ka na!" sigaw ko sa kanya

'Di niya ako nirerespeto kaya bakit ko siya irerespeto? Kung mukhang bastos, pwes deserve niya and she made numerous attempts to control me, so I should at least confront her, right?

"Ano!?" napasigaw na lang si Mama and she glared at Tita Maeve. Tumaas lang ang kilay ni Tita Maeve at pasimple akong napayuko. Oh, bakit? Kasalanan ko na naman ba? Ganun ba talaga siya katakot na mapansin ng iba ang baho niya? I don't believe I did anything wrong for her to feel this way. 'Di nga ako dapat yumuyuko rito eh.

I simply wanted them to stop fighting. Would that be asking too much?

Kasi pagod na ako.

Pagod na pagod na ako sa kanila.

Kaya tinanggap ko lahat ng kasamaan ng tita ko. Ilang beses niya ba akong pipintasan ng panget? 'Di ko 'yon gusto sa totoo lang! Nais ko bang maging gano'n? merely due to the fact that my vitiligo has caused my skin to become lighter lagi na lang ako nagmumukhang parang isang halimaw sa harap ng maraming tao!

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

NAPAKADALI PARA sa kanila na husgahan ako, kung sino man sila. Kaklase ko man, pamilya o kung sino pa man, nararamdaman ko ang tingin nila sa 'kin at kung gaano ako kahusga-husga. Kahit gusto mong lumaban, wala ka magawa kundi magtiis na lang! Kahit ilang beses na akong nasaktan, tinitiis ko na lang ang lahat. At sa bawat pagkakataon, ramdam ko lagi na pinagkakaisahan nila ako. Only if I could express how I'm feeling at the moment. Do'n lang nila maiintindihan ang hirap ng pinagdadaan ko.

Yes, Mom is completely unaware of the potential outcomes. At siya'y 'di makapaniwala sa mga sinabi ko. Tinikom ko ang bibig ko sa harap niya. Dahil alam kong 'di ko kayang protektahan ang sarili ko sa puntong 'to. 'Di ko rin nagustuhan 'tong mga bagay na 'to. However, I never had an option.

Hinarap ako ni Mama at tinignan niya ako ng seryoso, pero hindi ako kayang tumingin sa kanya ng diretso, "Is it true, Iha? How did your Tita Maeve affect you?" Sabay tanong na lang ni Mama kaya napayuko na lang ako at napaluha. Since I didn't want to make difficulties, I was unable to inform her.

Yes, I was unable to inform her. My aunt was the primary reason I made the decision to leave our house after I started college. Wala siyang pake sa'kin or despite the fact that I was in a state of na talagang sinadya niyang matapon ang mga gamot ko.I was unable to tolerate her. Sobra na siya!

Kaya kung tatanungin mo ako kung bakit ako nagagalit kay tita, ito ang dahilan! Iniisip niya na lagi akong nagdadala ng malas sa pamilya at hinihiling na mawala na lang ako. And she had to go to such lengths to cause me a great deal of trauma? Does she really need to tell me that?

Wala siyang alam sa mga pinagdadaanan ko and she isn't allowed to choose who she wants to push away lalo kung aapakan lang niya ang pagkatao ko ng ganito!

She's unaware of the numerous struggles I face within my mind. She doesn't realize how terrifying it is when those haunting thoughts continuously whisper lies that are hard to accept. Each day, I battle my inner demons, and you have no idea how challenging it is simply because I keep pushing through everything.

Bakit, tinanong niya ba kung gaano karaming mga negatibong bagay ang aking hinaharap sa araw-araw, at ano'ng mga negatibong bagay ang naririnig mo tungkol sa iyong sarili araw-araw, ha? Dahil wala siyang alam of those daily suffering I endure!

I hear these intrusive thoughts all the time at kung gaano ka-negative ka sa sarili mo even your self-talk, and you found it difficult to become optimistic due to the voices you couldn't stop hearing, which you desperately wanted to stop, but it persisted.

Kaya sa mga nagsasabi na 'Kumalma ka lang', 'Pigilan mo ang sarili mo,' and it's inappropriate to express such sentiments, particularly towards people who's been experiencing anxiety. Such remarks can exacerbate their condition. What they need is empathy and understanding, rather than dismissal or neglect.

And if you ask me if my trauma has helped me, I say that it hasn't!

No one understands the depth of my suffering from this severe anxiety. I do have a diagnosis, which was triggered and caused by my aunt, adding to my anxiety symptoms. It's extremely tough to hold on to the hope for relief from these feelings. Nobody seems to understand the thoughts that overwhelm me, and there's always a lingering fear that others won't understand my experiences. It felt like a nightmare! At sobrang hirap na halos araw-araw, dala-dala mo ang lahat-lahat ng 'to. 

It did me absolutely no good. Napapikit na lang ako, at ramdam ko na sobrang hirap na hirap akong harapin sila. And despite all the suffering I endured, wala na yata akong ibang maramdaman sa lahat ng 'to...but only hatred for her.

I always detested the way she shattered my dreams in this way and used her wealth to influence everyone. Despite the disapproval of some teachers due to the discrimination against this profession, which many people despise, teaching has always been a part of me kahit na maliit ang sweldo rito sa'tin. However, that isn't the right way to look at it.

I aspired to work as a librarian. Nobody can make me change my mind.

I've always wanted to be in a space with lots of books because I enjoy the sense of calm and sanctuary it provides. The sound of a book being opened and the feel of pages turning as you explore its contents and the points where your touch rests inside these books.

I glanced at my shoes at dahang-dahang napapikit and I let out a long sigh, "Wala po, Ma. Please hayaan niyo na lang."

"Hayaan!? I've heard that bitch is spending the money on other things despite na ginagamit mo 'yan dapat ha iha? Ano 'to!?" sigaw na lang ni Mama at sinamaan niya ng tingin ang tita ko.

"Ano naman ngayon—"

She sighed deeply and gave my aunt a fierce look, at napahawak na lang siya sa noo niya at hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. My mother glared at her and could only clench her fist at sa nalaman niyang tungkol sa perang ginasta ng tita ko, 'di na nakakagulat kung magagalit siya ng gano'n and she's entitled to do so. Hindi ko alam kung may kapal ng mukha ang tita komatapos ng mga ginawa niya sa'kin.

No, sa'min. With her face displaying all of her possible annoyance, my mom strode over to my aunt and took her arm at akmang susugurin na niya 'to kaya halos kinabahan ako sa gagawin ni Mama, kaya niyakap ko na lang siya.

"Walang hiya ka!" sigaw ni Mama and it reverberated from their position; it was so sharp that it seemed as though every word she spoke echoed like thunder rumbling everywhere. She hates every single truth she has discovered more than words can express.

Agad na napitingin sa'kin si Mama, hinawakan ang pisngi ko, at napaiyak na lang siya. I simply stood there at napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. Do you know what aggravates me even more? To witness my mother in tears, and I was the cause of it.

"Anak, 'di ko na alam kung ano'ng gagawin ko 'pag may nangyari sayo. 'Di ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko. We can't let you go. No, we can't." Sabi naman niya sa akin at napahawak na lang siya sa kamay ko, "Please, promise me, take care of your health."

Tumango na lang ako kay mama and I suddenly find myself silent. The worst is this.

Kaya ayoko na magkita kami ng pamilya ko. Sanay na akong magsarili. Dahil ayoko maging problema sa iba. I wanted to make my college proud, which is why I have to work so hard for it. Ayoko maging dagdag sa aalahanin nila. As a result, I could only go out and select the college of my choice if I would be living in dorms with my friends. Tsaka napagsasabay ko naman lahat.

My advanced coursework. Kasama na rin 'yung trabaho ko bilang waitress. And I have nothing to be unhappy about as long as I'm free.

'Pag hindi ko nakikita ang tita ko, mas maayos ang buhay ko. At sanay na akong ganon. My parents are simply overly concerned about my health. Pagdating naming dalawa sa dorm ko pumunta agad ako sa sofa at humiga. Sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko parang sasabog na ang dibdib ko. Bumigat ang dibdib ko at napapikit ako saglit.

"Loves, kunin mo nga 'yung monitor niya! Dali na!" Hysterical na sigaw na lang ni Halley at tumango naman si Lovelyn para kunin agad 'yung monitor. Tapos nito, inalalayan ako ni Halley while she was holding the monitor at agad 'tong pinatong sa tabi and upon glancing at me, she said, "Eteri, please remove your shirt."

Tumango na lang ako at may mga ilang bagay siyang ikinabit sa'kin. This is a holter monitor. This portable ECG device can be worn for a day or more to record the heart's activity during daily activities.

Some arrhythmias are triggered or worsened by exercise. During a stress test, the heart's activity is watched while you ride on a stationary bicycle or walk on a treadmill. If you can't exercise, you may be given medicine that affects the heart in a way that's similar to exercise.

"Ano'ng nangyari, Levana?" tanong na lang ni Cana at inirapan siya ni Halley pagkatapos, "Takti ka Cana, isa pang Levana tatadyakan kita r'yan." pagbabantang sabi ni Halley sa kanya. Si Cana talaga! Parang walang nangyari, ah. Nagawa pa talagang magbiro, 'no?

I understand that. Apparently, Halley detested her second name kaya ayaw na ayaw niyang naririnig 'yon mula sa'min. Napahawak ako sa mukha ko at napailing na lang, at 'di ko maiwasang matawa.

Umirap na lang si Lirisha sa kanila and she rolled her eyes, "Parang mga tanga! Umayos nga kayo. Parang kayo pa 'yung may sakit ha, 'di si Eteri."

"Ba't ba? Ano ba kasing masama sa pangalan mong Halley Levana, ha?" asar na tanong ni Cana

"Peste ka. Manahimik ka na, please."irap na lang ni Halley

Umupo na lang ako ng saglit at umiling ako sa kanila, "Hoy, iingay niyo. Tigilan niyo yan." sagot ko at nag-peace sign na lang sila sa 'kin. Halos normal na yata 'to sa dorm namin eh. Our dorm has always been a chaotic place. That's why kahit papaano, 'di ko naramdaman na mag-isa lang ako.

"Here's your medication and water, Eteri." Sagot naman ni Lovelyn at tumango ako sa kanya. Tapos kinuha ko ang tubig at gamot ko para inumin 'yon. 

"Here's your medication and water, Eteri." Sagot naman ni Lovelyn at tumango ako sa kanya. Tapos kinuha ko ang tubig at gamot ko para inumin 'yon.

"Be honest with me. Am I the one in mistake? Mali ba talaga ang pagiging pangit?" Yumuko na lang ako naging seryoso ang mukha ko.

Looking at myself, I cast a quick glance at the mirror. According to some, your own beauty is reflected in that mirror. I couldn't see that, though. Because of my appearance. That pointed nose, those heart-shaped lips, those flat eyebrows, those upturned green eyes, and that cinnamon brown, long, curly hair with blonde and floral violet highlights. Sakto lang naman ang katawan ko. I have to admit that my body type is an inverted triangle. I was a mix of Filipino and Mexican.

It goes without saying that I have some white spots on my hands, lips, cheeks, and shoulders at isa pa, morena rin ako. I couldn't even look at myself properly, but I finally got the courage to tell them the truth, even though I was feeling very bad about myself at the moment. I always felt bad about my appearance. Once upon a time, I was the girl who was always smiling, pero dahil sa kung ano-anong diskriminasyon na natanggap ko, nawala na ang ngiting 'yon.

"Eteri, alam mong 'di yan totoo.." paalala naman ni Halley and she sighed, "Hindi ka pangit. 'Di ka ganon. 'Yung mata nila ang may panghuhusga dahil sa nakikita lang nila ang panlabas mong anyo, hindi ang kagandahan ng loob mo."

Napakagat na lang ako sa labi ko at 'di ko maiwasang mapaluha na lang, "However, you could have witnessed my aunt's face-shaming of me. They are your family members, sila 'yung dapat nasa tabi mo eh. Hindi 'yung sa kanila mo pa yung maririnig ang masasakit na salita! Who is she to do this to me, then? Ano bang masama ang ginawa ko!?"

I pounded the pillow vigorously, and the sadness I've been holding inside of me simply engulfed everything. Lying to yourself is really difficult, especially when you're in pain. 

Sinusubukan ko naman. Sinusubukan kong maging mabait kahit aping-api na ako sa harap ng tita ko. The fact that she has everything makes her feel entitled. Halos pagmukain na niya akong walang kwenta sa harap niya eh. There are moments when I think that home is no longer a place of rest. It's something that makes you feel included and not abandoned. When will I be able to put up with this?

"Eteri, 'di ka nag-iisa ha. Nandito ako. Nandito pa kami sa tabi mo." Paalala ni Halley, at lumapit siya sa 'kin at niyakap na lang niya ako ng mahigpit, "Hindi mo kailangang sarilihin ang lahat ng 'yan. Remind yourself that your emotions are valid. Kung nasasaktan ka na, don't keep it inside, please. Ilabas mo lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo. Palagi kaming nandito para intindihin ka. You weren't by yourself."

Even now, I can't tell if my family is home. Kasi sa nakikita ko, sila pa ang unang taong huhusga sa 'yo. That's why I was unable to smile. I had forgotten why I should be smiling. A girl with a lot of smiles is no longer around.

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Note: In order to accommodate the necessary research for this story on Eteri's condition, I have chosen to extend this chapter. Although I'm not an expert, if you ever notice any errors in my research, kindly let me know. To help me improve, I would appreciate frank and helpful criticism. As long as it doesn't disparage the author or anything, I'm open to hearing your thoughts. Thank you!