KABANATA 01:

Let's have a deal, shall we?

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❝ Everyone has formed their own judgments. Looking merely at the exterior of others. All you could see was how hollow the eyes were within. But in the thick of the chaos, I'll be watching you from afar. Even if it was impossible. Please look at me. ❞ from the fragments of photographs

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

PABALANG AKO na naglakad habang hinigit ko 'yung apron ko and then I fiercely fastened it around my waist. If one could assess how I felt, it appears that rage was boiling over.

All I could feel was a driving of heat around my chest and a hot point stroke in every cell. And if I could, I would completely smash everything, but the tranquility was keeping the best in me hidden.

The restaurant was quite busy, at isa pa, napakaraming tao ang dumarating at umaalis kaya nagdudulot ito ng tensyon sa mga oras na 'to. It was quite more busier than the evening, sunod-sunod ang mga orders na natatanggap namin dito. Wala pa naman gaanong tumatawag sa 'kin kaya lumapit ako sa table ng kaibigan ko and I slammed the table in front of her.

"Galit ka ba niyan, teh?" Halley asked.

"Hindi, natutuwa!" Irap ko. I'm clearly expressing the obvious at inirapan ko siya.

Umiling-iling na lang siya and then she put up her hair at saka niya ako tinarayan at tinignan ng masama, "Eteri, ano ba 'yang ikinapuputok ng budhi mo girl?"Sa tarayan, 'di makikipagtalo 'tong babaeng 'to.

It was that guy!

Thanks to him, halos 50% na yata ng customers dito kanina ko pa natatarayan. Other girls in the corner appear to be looking at me with hateful expressions. I'm trying to breathe in here, but your air has turned against me, making me sick.

Both of our breaths appear to try to push around within the mess that you attempted to make yourself, miss. Luckily, kahit pikon ako sa kanila I can simply communicate my emotions through poetry.

And I'm not the type of person who seeks revenge; instead, I express my thoughts in the way that I choose. And creating proses, poetry, and writing allows me to express myself freely. I rolled my eyes at the way they looked.

Despite your desire to spread out the thunder clashing you construct upon yourself, I prefer to remain where I am, where peace exists within me. Isa pa, kung gusto nilang magalit, edi magalit na lang sila. It was only one mistake in that summer. 'Di na 'yon mauulit muli. And I refused to allow that to happen again.

Inayos ko na lang ang uniform ko and I grabbed my note, "So ano'ng sa'tin,  kamahalan kong Halley?" 

"Dodging the question, ha? Akala mo girl! Bali-balita na pinagtanggol ka ng ex mo, 'yung nakilala mo noong Senior High School tayo do'n sa summer—" 

"Orders po, madame?" I tapped my note at sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

Ang dami pa niyang sinasabi! I don't even want to talk about that guy. Pasakan ko pa siya ng gamot, tutal mukhang kailangan niya naman eh.

After he ghosted me, tingin mo kailangan ko pa ng tulong mula sa kanya? I don't think so.

Wala na siyang karapatan sa buhay ko pagkatapos niya ako iwanan. Isa pa, 'di ako interesado sa mga kalokohan na 'yan. I'm on the verge of breaking down, with each note replaying itself inside my head.

I adore books and writing pero kung usapang information retrieval na ang usapan, ewan ko na lang. Ang dami mong kailangan intindihin tungkol sa database, search engines, indexing techniques and retrieval models. Isa pa 'to mga current subjects na inaaral namin ngayon.

Isa pa, isa sa mga tanong ba naman ng research mo ay ganito, what do you need to understand by information society? Define Library and discuss its role in modern society?

Kung akala niyo siguro sulat-sulat lang 'to, at sa mga nagsasabi na sulat-sulat lang 'to, halika rito ikaw na lang magsulat ng assignment ko. Sige, tignan ko lang kundi ka mabuang sa 1000 words per questions tapos ilang pages pa sasagutan mo! Para patas lang, 'di lang ako may  'yung burden dito 'di 'ba?

Kaya kailangan kong galingan. Technically, wala namang choice. To attain my objective of being a licensed librarian, I must be an academic achiever. Kukuha pa ako ng Professional Regulations Commission and even taking my masters. So I have to strive and study harder.

Marami sa iba ang liit ng tingin kapag educator ka. Pero kapag abogado, doctor, accountant,architect, engineer o nurse literal nasa'yo na ang respeto. Pero 'pag nasa education ang profession mo, lagi kang minamaliit and worse, 'di mo pa nakukuha ang sapat na sweldo dito. 

Pero kahit maliit ang tingin nila dito, wala akong pinagsisihan. I choose this path, even though it may not be as high as other professions, it's a steady and satisfying career option at kung passionate ka talaga sa pagiging librarian mo, noh!

And being in the books smells like eternity; the pages draw you deeply into a world where you can escape all of your despair by indulging yourself in the adventures of the pages.

Kaya heto, doble kayod para sa future. I also work in one of the bars and pubs at Crave Mixers Manila. Isa akong waitress dito.

Halley grinned, "The usual, carbonara, and some sprite, please."

"Himala, 'di ka iinom niyan Halley?" Ngisi ko na lang sa kanya.

She flipped her hair and smirked at me, "Hindi pwede eh! You're familiar with my boyfriend."

"Edi sana all, pinipigilan uminom." Irap ko sa kanya

"Ba't 'di kasi—"

"No!" Pinandilatan ko na lang siya ng mata, "Boys will distract me. Tsaka isa pa, seryoso ako sa kurso ko 'di 'ba? BLIS student ako, walang ako pakialam sa mga lalaki!" 

That's correct. Plus, I don't have the looks, kaya utak ko naman ang mapapakinabangan 'di' ba? But, if you ask me, aside from being smart, may iba pa akong gustong gawin.

Just what did you think I was doing with my makeup blogs? Kahit hiyang-hiya ako, nag-makeup ako para ipakita sa mga tao despite my insecurity over having Vitiligo.

Dahil gusto kong maging professional make-up artist.

And I doubt my own family will even agree to it. Kaya eto kailangan kong patunayan ang sarili ko sa kanila, kahit mababa ang  tingin nila sa 'kin.

"Serious ka sa study mode mong yarn ha? Panindigan mo 'yan," Irap sa akin ni Halley and she clapped her hands, "Pero teka, kamusta na 'yong vlogs mo? Lagi kang pinaguusapan sa social media, ha. They wanted to see your face, Sunshine Grin—" 

Nanlaki na lang ang mata ko sa mga sinabi niya. I looked around to see if anyone was listening to us, and I gently closed my eyes, feeling the sweat streaming down my face. 'Di naman talaga basta napapagod, kahit medyo stressful dito sa restaurant, pero mas nakakastress pa ang bunganga ng kaibigan ko.

Kung pwede nga lang na pasakan ko na lang 'yang bunganga ni Halley, gagawin ko talaga! Halos maramdaman ko ang tensyon dahil sa mga sinabi niya.

My heart beats getting faster and hinigit ko ang buong lakas ko saka ko tinakpan ang bibig niya and I quickly scolded her, "Shhhh!"Pinigilan ko siya at inayos ko na lang 'yung facemask ko and I sighed.

Ang daldal ng babaeng 'to kahit kelan e! I would be doomed 'pag nagsalita pa siya.

Come on, it was meant to be a secret! Keep it a secret, okay!?

'Di nila pwedeng malaman kung sino ako. And I have no intention of revealing my identity. Or maybe I had the nerve to expose my face. I'm this kind of girl. A cereal monster. Like how most people see me because of my Vitiligo.

I quickly glanced around. Ang kapaligiran ay gawa sa kahoy at sa dulo nito ay may mahahabang upuan, at sa paligid ng mga customer ay naroon ang mga bintana. And then I grasped my tray when I noticed how I looked.

I'm just a girl with long cinnamon brown hair highlighted with blonde and flowery violet, flat brows, upturned green eyes, heart-shaped lips, tanned skin, and a lot of Vitiligo on my face.

That is why I hid it below my facemask. And, if they knew who I was, would they even watch my vlogs? Nah. They will not. In this world, looks mean everything. Kaya ayoko umasa.

"Why?" Napakunot na lang si Halley and she appeared to be confused.

"You're not that bad..." Haley convinced me, "Baka ikaw lang kasi ang nag-iisip niyan, pero tanggap kita, at lalo nung mga wonder pets noh! You know that we're always here for you Eteri." 

I believe Halley and my other friends too, kasi ang totoo niyan, Halley kasama sina Lovelyn, Cana and Lirisha since Senior High School pa lang sila na 'yung nakakasama ko.

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

WHEN I NEEDED a home, Halley was there for me. She opens her arms and accepts me into their dorm para makasama ko sila. Nakakahiya nga. Ayoko nang maabala siya but she keeps on insisting na do'n ako manirahan para wala na akong problema sa college.

She's that kind of friend. Someone who always follows up on me, even when I don't want to. I was an awkward and shy girl at 'di ako palasalita. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy conversations. It was difficult for me since I was bullied.

Halley was an Interior Design student. She's studying at Normane University in Laguna. STEM ang kanyang strand noong senior high school. Pero 'di siya pumasa sa philosophy, kaya sa designing siya bumagsak. Ngayon, marami siyang drawing plates.

Pero seryoso.

Without her, 'di ko alam kung paano ko makakayanan lahat 'to.

Napahawak na lang ako sa bibig ko and I grinned slightly. I wrote in my notes and smiled at her." Sige, sige, maniniwala na ako kasi sinabi mo. I will just take your orders, okay?" 

"Yes, sobrang gutom na ako!" sabi ni Halley sabay nguso

"Magdusa ka. Kadaldalan mo kasi 'yan." Irap ko sa kanya

"Luh! Parang 'di ka madaldal, inaabot ka pa nga ng 3 am kakadaldal sa anime kagabi ah." Halley fights back at umirap na lang ako. Babaeng 'to, hilig akong ilaglag!

Nagmadali naman na ako at kinuha ko na rin 'yung carbonara at sprite ni Halley and I smiled at her. Inayos ko na ang apron ko then I was surprised na pinalapit na ako ng manager namin. I'm curious what this is about.

"Ah, yes po?"Tanong ko na lang sa manager namin.

"Wala ka namang order 'di' ba?"He immediately asks me.

"Si Halley—" 

"Eteri..."

"Sige po, mamaya na lang."

Tumango naman na siya And he smiled slightly, "Good then! Someone is asking for you. Over there," Turo niya sa lalaki na nakaupo sa table 16. 'Di ko masyadong makita since I don't have my eyeglasses. But he's wearing a hoodie.

I tried to be nice but agad ako napairap na lang ng bigla knowing how foolish this idea was, "Sir, 'di ako isang bayarang babae. Can you tell that pervert there na may iba pa po akong trabaho, ha? I'm not doing this favor." 

Mga lalaki nga naman! They're just expert at one thing. To get the girl's disadvantage. Oh, let me rephrase it. All the men are skillful enough at getting women into bed.

At pare-pareho lang sila. No one can change my mind.  I am ugly pero 'di ko naman sinabing magpapabastos ako ng ganito.

"Fiesty, as ever Eteri. Iba ka talaga," sabi ng lalaki habang lumapit 'to sa 'kin and he grinned at me. He bought a camera and decided to take a photograph of me.

I quickly stress out over what he done at agad ko kinuha ang salamin ko sa pocket ko And then I glared at him. It was Steele. My thoughts have been clashing like a storm, and they are now bursting forth with a rage inside me.

Probably because of his damn face in front of me!