Kyle:

"Oh, I would have left if anything private were to happen you know that." Jay continued.

"Ya know what? I'm gonna just leave that subject alone- what's the outburst for?" I asked.

"What would it take Kyle? Answer me seriously. You've HAD miracles in your life. You've witnessed phenomenons I'm sure the most pious priest would envy from STRONG coincidences to flat-out impossible events. Your very life is a miracle right now. I'm sorry but- do you believe in anything beyond the physical?"

"No- why should I?" I asked. I shrugged. "I can explain everything through nature and technology just fine. I don't need a god to explain things, and even the mysteries the universe still holds- sorry I'm not gonna sit back and just call every mystery a miracle," I sipped my juice. A part of me felt I was being a jerk but- they were the ones trying to convince me. "I'll research them. I mean, c'mon, people used to think lightning was thrown from the clouds by angry gods- gods are just explanations for natural occurrences until we find the real explanations. They're fills for the gaps in our knowledge. Or maybe, in some cases, they're security in a wild chaotic world. I'm sorry though, I can't believe in something just because I WANT it to be true." Both girls looked at me curiously. Well... I stepped in it with that one.

I continued, realizing that made this sound more than just academic. "Look, Jessica told me about her Jesus too. It sounds nice, a way to paradise right? Salvation from our sins- a way out of our messed up lives." I waved a hand at Jessica. "But look at yourself, Jessica. I'm guessing the worst years of your life would be either living in that force field or the eleven years you spent alone on the road when your swordmaster left you- right?" Jessica just looked away. "Sorry, but I'm making a point- I can, can't I? I mean you're asking for this right? You want to know my thoughts?" She just nodded. Well- here it went. "Okay. Well in the worst times of your life- what difference did knowing God make? You committed yourself to him amid your isolation and stayed isolated for years after that. And even after you were freed, your swordmaster Patrick left you calling you a monster- Jess, you were in your god's family that entire time. Why didn't he stop ANY of that? Why didn't he spare you? I don't get it Jess- I look at your life and... I'm happy you have this idea of god to give you hope on such an awful journey, but it just doesn't make sense. I'm sorry, I just don't see it. Even if your Jesus wanted you and I to meet- why would you have to be alone for ten freaking years to pull that off? If your god is real, you want my thoughts, then he has some explaining to do."

I watched, tears starting to run down Jessica's cheeks. She walked out of the room. "Wait-a-go," J-Star said.

I clenched my teeth, wanting to rip my own tongue out for hurting her. "I don't know... as she said, I'm honest to a fault. What do you guys want from me? If you want me to convert you're going to have to face the doubts I have and at least address my questions and- I'm sorry but they're not all easy questions. Like if God is real and so big and powerful, why isn't he obvious? Seems we should see his face every day when the sun rises, not have to search desperately for miracles."

J-Star clenched her fists. "He's given you one miracle after another and you've passed them off. You can't even give halfway decent explanations for the things that happened in your life, all of them centering around that girl who just happens to be a Christian. God could put his face in the sky twenty-four seven from this day forward and you would still deny him." she said. "You don't even believe in the supernatural at all do you?" I shook my head. "Then like- I don't know, one percent of the earth- one percent of Triad agrees with you there. Some prominent scientists would say you're full of crap. You say you want proof, but you don't really care if you get it do you?"

"Jay I'm free to not change, just as free as you were to convert."

She growled in frustration, apparently more committed to this than Jess now. "But why? The truth is so obvious. I wanted a way out of my sin and- there's a way Kyle, there's actually a way."

"Jay- Jessica is the best witness for and against her God I've ever seen. She's kind and self-sacrificing to a point of almost making you sick. She's always putting others first, it really is a thing to behold."

"You've put others first too."

"Not on the same level," I said. "And to some degree only because of her inspiring me. But that's not my point. She could be a freaking saint- but then what about her life? The poor thing only exists BECAUSE of the extreme trauma Raven endured. What does that even make her spiritually?" Jay was silent on this point. "And sure, a split personality is kinda obscure so I don't expect you to explain the spiritual nature of one to convert me. I don't have to ask that though. That girl has been abandoned, isolated, beaten, tortured mentally by her enemies and I can only imagine the pain that came when she awakened Raven when fighting Tyrin years ago- her god could have swatted that man away like a bug, brought her into the life of anyone he wanted and at the very least walked by her side as a physical person. But he didn't, did he? So go ahead, explain that will ya? Why would this god, this being that can do anything, leave her to suffer worse than most criminals? And I'm serious about that," my voice started to change to a growl, "If I could talk to this god for real, there are times I would like to punch him square in the face. She's his servant, according to her, his daughter- and he left her to wander alone like a stray cat. She didn't even abandon him in the midst of it so what gives? Why did he abandon her?"

J-Star shook her head. "I'm new to this faith. I know bad things happen to good people. That's a fact of life and always will be until the end of the world, or at least I wager so."

I folded my arms and laid back, trying to calm down. "Well, it's a great look for your god that he just leaves people like that."

"Just because he didn't leave footprints next to hers doesn't mean he wasn't with her in her isolation. She only got her faith in isolation. Sounds to me like he was right there."

"Yeah- right there doing nothing apparently. He's omnipotent, isn't he? What do you think that means? I'm not even asking why he doesn't do something dumb like "make a rock so heavy he can't lift it" I'm asking why he leaves his own children to suffer. Not like he can't stop it."

"What makes you think he's omnipotent anyway?"

"I've heard he's supposed to be. Read some of the Bible but I don't really know where that comes from."

She shrugged. "Well if you ask me, I wouldn't be surprised if he has his own limits. Maybe he's doing the best that can be done. Maybe he's not doing things a better way because there is no better way. Jessica can find one way after another that the events in her life lead to good outcomes, but you're right, in the end, she did suffer. That's a fact. Suffering exists. I wonder, is it so much you don't believe in God, or you blame him?"

"I don't know Jay," I said. I shook my head. "Maybe you have me. I disowned my own father for waaay less than what this god allowed to happen."

"Would you try to reconcile with him if you had the chance? Your dad I mean."

I shrugged. "Joran? Maybe. I'd like to." I had to admit, even after all this time, I didn't hate him, I just did what I knew I had to. "But c'mon, this god stood by during the gargoyle genocide, and how many others besides that. Do you think god messed up?"

"No... I just... I just trust him. I trust that this isn't all just random- I'm too young in all this to explain how but I trust him okay?"

"Well, I don't see why I should." J-star stood there just looking at me. "Well- was I wrong to push away my dad for his crimes?"

"You did that to save the gargoyles, not to pass judgment."

"Be lying if I said judgment wasn't associated," I replied.

"Kyle you PROVED your father was wrong. You have no idea the explanations for what God has done and you're just passing judgment anyway. There's a huge difference between those actions. In one, you sacrificed your relationship with your father to save hundreds of lives and to pass judgment on a horrible sin. Here- you're arrogantly judging a God you know almost nothing about because- because he doesn't step in and halt nature and the consequences of sin to give us all paradise because- because why? You think we deserve it?"

"Jessica does," I said.

"Like hell she does. She's just as messed up as the rest of us and you know it." I looked away from her on that note. "Think what you want, pass judgment on God himself from your pedestal, but you have nothing on him and you know it. None of us are entitled to blessings."

"Could I use that excuse if I saw a child abandoned by the side of the road? "Oh I'm sure he did bad things, I'll just leave him there"," I said sarcastically. Hey, she was the one pushing things, was entitled to push back hard as I was pressed at the least. "That sounds like a good idea?"

"No, but what kind of argument even is that? That's a fellow human. God's not human, is he? The kind of power and knowledge we're talking about he would have to be as far above you as you are above a single ant. You never just walk on while an ant suffers? That he cares at all is amazing."

"Ants aren't self-aware Jay. If one was maybe trying to save it would be a moral obligation."

"Kyle I really do think he's doing the best he can and I'm sorry, I don't think we're entitled to blessings either way. He's not doing nothing and some of us could have been obliterated a long time ago by a just god- so hey, he let you live in the same world as your "angel" Jessica, maybe part of why she suffered like that was because of messed up people like you. Those eleven years weren't spent on an unpopulated planet after all. So why blame the God whose words sustained her in her isolation and not the people who stood around her and just left her like that? Hey, even while she was in that force field people could have stayed outside it to be her friends even if they couldn't touch."

"Never said I hold them innocent..." I sighed again. "I don't know Jay. Maybe there is an explanation- but is it such a crime to say the truth? I'm not accepting him till I get that explanation. That's the end of it- you can go." I clenched my teeth.

J-Star finally gave an exasperated sigh and stormed out of the room.

"Yeah yeah," I said. I rolled over in my bed, saying to- whatever was still in the room. "Go ahead god, why do your children always have to explain things anyway? Come down, explain yourself for once why don't you? You love them so much? Why do you treat them like you hate them?"

I finally started to cry myself, my pillow starting to soak with tears in no time.