Chapter 6

Trigger Warning: Suicide

"P-Please! D-Don't kill her!" My sister begged.

I fiercely looked at my father's eyes who was at the moment, full of emotions: rage, guilt, pain, and sadness.

"Go ahead. I've been through enough. Truth is, I was first before you, before this, I also tried to kill myself. What a coincidence right? It was like the fate was telling me that I really deserve to die." I laughed bitterly.

"No! No! No! Please don't!" Andra almost lost her breathing because of her sobs and shouts.

I was just hugging my broken guitar, looking intensely at my father, waiting for him to do the thing I wanted to do to myself.

But seems like, guilt overpowered his repugnance.

His hand trembled and unconsciously threw the gun away from him. He was pale and his face was etched with disbelief as he stepped backward, realizing what he just did.

My sister then, ran towards me and hugged me tightly, afraid of losing me as she sobbed with all her strength.

Guilt then drowned me because of the hideous act I did earlier, not knowing how much my sister would be affected to my death.

I guess I was selfish. Selfish for instead of riding the road of life, I took the shortcut and decided to let myself fall into the pit of hell just so I could be an exemption to the trials of life.

I was almost a murderer... like what my father just did.

"I-I'm sorry..." I softly mumbled.

"N-No... n-no... I'm sorry," she cried.

The loud slam of the door echoed the whole room and it was dad who ran away.

"I-I... I should head out." It was mom.

She didn't even let us answer her and just shut the door leaving me and my sister alone.

"A-Alessia, are you okay?" She asked after calming down.

I smiled at her and kissed her cheeks.

"I'm okay. Go back to your bed."

She just nodded and with knees trembling, she managed to obey my order. After minutes, I followed her and sat beside her.

She silently grabbed the cup of noodles that was on the side table and my gaze followed her move.

"Here," she gave me the half open cup noodles.

"For what?" I asked, confused.

"You didn't get to eat. I know you're hungry and dad just brought 1 so I save one for you," she then smiled.

And just by that, it sent warmth in my heart with the sweet sensation of love and adoration towards her.

I wish it was just the both of us.

I wish she didn't have any conditions just so we could both ran away from this hell.

But I know it's impossible and I'll be selfish if I did that. I can't leave her as well as I can't let her die because of my lacking.

And I don't know why am I even standing here alone, in the pond, waiting for someone.

It's only been hours when he bid his farewell but I can't help but to expect and wait for him because all I need right now is a person whom I can cry to.

Well, I guess I can say that with the short amount of time, he already gained my trust.

I don't know why, but the feeling... he just seems vaguely familiar. The way he talks, act, and... sing. It was like I had met him before this but I cannot fathom that kind of feeling.

The sky was already dark, thunderstorms then crashed creating a massive amount of explosion above as if it was mad. But I... continued. I stayed.

Maybe I just wanted to thank him because I didn't get to earlier.

I sighed heavily when rain suddenly poured from the sky. I remained seated near the oak tree as I look dolefully at my guitar. I unzipped the zipper from its bag, not minding the drops of water who loves invading my body.

My heart once again clenched after seeing the state of my guitar. It was like I was looking at my mom, crashed.

I was just six that time but the memories with her was very distinct and clear as that was the only remaining presence of her and me... being at least happy together when I was a kid.

"Happy sixth birthday my baby!" My mom happily exclaimed when she entered our house.

"Mom!" I happily greeted her and ran towards her to give her my tight hug.

I miss mommy!

"And because of that... I have a gift for you!"

"Yey! Gift!" I clapped consecutive times, anticipating for her gift.

My eyes widened when she gave me the new guitar that I requested!

"Guitar! Guitar! I love you mommy!" I happily jumped to hug her tight.

She was smiling widely at me when she gave it to me and I immediately hugged it even though it was very big! And heavy! I still love it even if I cannot carry it!

"You brought her a guitar?" My smile faded when dad uttered those words behind me.

I was happy.... but now I'm scared.

"Go to your room, Alessia." My mom softly said and gave me a smile.

I nodded at instant and then run towards our room. But before that, I took a quick glance at my dad who was mad again at my mom.

I was scared and so I immediately went inside and run towards the corner of the room to hide myself.

"We don't even have enough money and yet you brought her a guitar?!" My dad shouted again.

"It was my money, William." My mom was calm even though I know she was scared.

"Mother-fucker! You could've bought a food for that money! You could've handed me the money! You asshole!"

"It's her birthday today. Let our daughter rest." She sighed.

I heard a loud noise from the outside and so I trembled once again and hugged the guitar tightly as I sobbed.

I was sobbing, afraid that my dad might take away the guitar that I wanted.

"I worked hard for that guitar for our daughter! Don't compare myself to you who just waste money for cigarettes and liquor!"

"You mother-fucker asshole!"

I heard my mom sobbed. I'm sure my dad hurt her again and I'm scared. I wanted to protect mom... I wanted to hug her tightly... I want to get out of this room but I just sobbed and sobbed until I felt tired.

My head fell on the air and that's when I realize I fell asleep because of my mom's little chuckle.

"My baby is so cute." She whispered.

She was beside me, also sitting with me, against the wall, beside the cabinet.

"Mom!" I hugged her tightly.

She wrapped her hands around me and gave my head a peck.

"Use the guitar, baby. I want to listen to your voice. Remember? You promised me that you'll sing me a song once you have a guitar, right?"

"Yes! Yes!" I happily exclaimed.

I unzipped the zipper and my mom assisted me so I noticed her bruised hands. I pouted and looked at her who just smiled at me.

Fake smile!

Mom's sad.

I strummed the guitar. It was White who taught me how to strum a guitar with his guitar. He always sings this song for me whenever I'm sad and I'll sing this song for my mom because she's sad.

At first, I hummed and moved my body while strumming the intro of the song. I noticed how mom's eyes suddenly pooled with water but I continued.

"When my heads is full of questions
And the sky is full of rain
When I'm—" I stopped when my mom sobbed.

She covered her mouth to stifle her sobs but her tears were flowing and so I pouted.

"Mom is sad."

"N-No... no..." she then laughed but I know it was fake!

"I'll sell the guitar. Don't be sad. I will make money!" I tried to sound happy.

She shook her head twice but she cannot utter any words even when her lips parted.

So, I continued. I strummed the guitar, thinking that maybe after mom hears this song, she might not want me to sell it!

Yey! That would be good! I should do my best to sing this song so she would not let me sell this guitar!

"'Cause if we just smile
We can forget all of our troubles for a while..." I moved my body freely while smiling at mom who's smiling too!

"We can just live inside this moment
You and I get through the darkness
Knowing we'll find the light
If we just smile—" I looked at her.

She chuckled.

"If we just, if we just
If we just smile
Yeah, if we just smile..." She continued but her voice cracked at the end.

I stopped and she did too. We both stared at each other before bursting into laughter.

"Maybe we focus too much on the future..." she continued and pointed her fingers on my nose.

I giggled and strummed the guitar.

"No use living in the past." I resumed.

"'Cause if we just smile..."

I stopped in strumming and pouted at my mom who was about to laugh.

"Mom! You skipped." I said, complaining.

She laughed and pinched my chick.

"We can forget all our troubles for a while
We can live inside this moment..." She continued and closed her eyes while moving her body freely even without the music.

I unconsciously smile as I remember the greatest memory of my childhood. Remembering those happy days with my mom and now the rain is still pouring, the wind is howling but at least it was embracing my fragile and weak body as if it knew that I'm once again, lonely and alone.

"Y-You and I get through the darkest
Knowing we'll find the light
If we just..." I closed my eyes when I continued the song.

I hugged the guitar tightly, calming the demons of my thoughts who's reaching for my feet again to walk in hell just so I could escape this painful feeling.

"Smile," he continued.

The drops from above stopped even though the cry of the sky was still distinct. I slowly opened my eyes and subconsciously put my palms on the air just to see if the rain did really stop but it was his umbrella who was covering me from the rage of the nimbus.

I looked up to him but the umbrella was blocking his face and that's because he's tall or he intentionally did that to cover his face. He was wearing a Nike black wind runner hooded jacket with his white shirt which his other hand was inside the pocket of the jacket while the other was holding the umbrella to cover me from the drops of the rain.

He's letting himself soak with the wet drops of water from above just to cover me up.

I unconsciously stood and hugged him tightly because I just needed someone whom I can cry to right now.

And that's when I knew... he had gained my trust, without any doubt nor a drop of hesitation.

As I let my body act carelessly towards him.

I sobbed and he didn't say anything nor did he move all he did was to cover me up with his umbrella.

I continued until he reached for my hair and caress it gently to calm me down.

"When will the day come when those tears would stop?" He whispered to the wind but I heard him.

I covered my face with my palms as I stepped backward, ashamed of my tears and weaknesses.

He sighed heavily and grabbed one of my hands to give me the umbrella. I just bowed my head, not wanting to see him because I'm sure he'll leave me maybe because I know he's already tired of my awful and shameful state.

"I'll carry you," he said.

I looked up to him bit I was shocked when he was below as he was already kneeling on the grass, and I was facing his back. His head was already covered with hood and hands were ready to carry me.

"I-I can walk."

"No. I know you're already tired. Just hold the umbrella and I'll carry you."

I sighed but I just obeyed and I don't know why am I even comfortable with him even when I just met him yesterday.

One hand of mine was holding his shoulder while the other was holding the umbrella. He was little masculine for his age and so he successfully did manage to carry me while both of his hands were holding both of my legs. He gave me a piggyback ride.

He started his walk and I was quiet as well as he is. The rain lessened and the sound of drops of it became little light and tap. There were birds chirping above in their nests while the wind never did get tired of dancing as it still continued with its whispers.

It feels bizarre as if the sky was like my emotions wherein everything just seems peaceful now that he's here; and yet the wind was still wild like my thoughts that was seething for another war; but the birds were like my feelings creating an unfamiliar yet calming music along with the indescribable ambiance due to his presence.

Everything just feels surreal.

"Ethan?" I unconsciously asked while staring at nothingness.

"Hmm?"

"Are you sad just like me?"

He heaved a sigh.

"No. I'm sure my dad's fine and alright. I believe." It was long before he uttered those words.

"Do you think life's being too unfair for both of us?"

He stopped walking.

"Doesn't it?" I asked bitterly.

For a minute, he wasn't able to answer my question and so I mentally mocked myself for asking such an obvious question.

"Life is unfair in order for hope to be created." He said in his melodious voice.

I sighed.

"But there's always despair in the middle of hope." I pessimistically said.

"And there's hope in the middle of despair," he added.

Despair and hope really do juxtapose each other, huh?

I didn't answer his remark and just chose to shut my mouth up so silence enveloped the surrounding.

He continued his walk and I was appalled when he knew where my house is. He bended a little in order for me to land on the ground and so I landed safety.

"Hope might lead you to disappointment but disappointment will never lead you to hope so keep on hoping."
He said before leaving.

I stared at his back as he didn't even face me. I didn't even get the chance to say thank you or even hand this umbrella back to him. I just stared at the way he walked on the road with little drops of water from above, he was all alone or must I say— he was the only person I could see on the carless road.

Never had I thought this will be the last time I'll see him again.

As he vanished in thin air, carrying the trust that I gave him.

It has been a month since I last saw him and I still don't get myself for waiting that he'll be back.

"William hasn't contacted you yet? It has been a month." Mom asked worriedly.

My sister's treatment continued and I was thankful that they were able to find a money for that, I'm pretty sure it was from his mistress and definitely, he's spending his month with them.

Mom and I were outside the hospital room of my sister as she was sleeping peacefully there after her treatment. We were both quite when my Nokia keypad phone rang.

I grabbed the phone from my hooded jacket and she gazed at me, expecting it was my father.

"Hello?" I asked and looked at mom.

"Are you Alessia Mae Robins?" It was a man's voice.

"Uhmm... Yes."

He sighed heavily. It was long before he answered me.

"Your father..." he trailed off before sighing. "Had an attempted suicide," he added, my eyes widened as my heart stopped beating for a moment.

"W-What? Where is he?" My voice trembled.

I paled with the sudden discovery but my knees gave up when I heard what the man answered.

"He's in prison. Convicted with first degree murder and larceny."

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