Last Chapter before the epilogue. Thank you for reaching this far!   ლ(^o^ლ)

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Chapter 50

“Grayson. . .”

He hugged me tight.

“I know he’s not real.” He whispered.

I grasped his waist.

“But I was too guilty. I want him to accompany me for the past years of living with guilt. He reminded me of me back then.”

“But you’ll willingly heal, right?” I asked with slight hope.

“Don’t leave me.” He hugged me tight.

I loosened my hug on him and made him face me. With a trembling smile, I wiped his tears off and kissed his cheeks.

“Please heal, hmm?”

He nodded and hugged me again as if he's gonna lose me once he let go of his hold.

That day, he followed what Lia said. He got confined and is now under treated.

“This was the video that he saw four years ago. That was the time he discovered that Ethan wasn’t real.” Lia told me one day when we met in a café.

I looked at the video when she played it and immediately, my vision became blurry as I stare at the CCTV.

It was on our first night four years ago. When he told me that Ethan came into his walk-in closet but I caught him almost cutting his wrist with a blade, he was looking at nothingness as he stop the blade from harming him as if it was Ethan who tried to harm him in his mind.

“Ethan started showing after the incident where her grandmother harmed him with a knife. That was the time when his mind accepted the fact that her grandma won’t be able to forgive him unless someone killed him too just like how his father got killed in a fire. So his mind created Ethan.” Lia said.

I remember the time when he asked me about a boy in its school uniform. He must be referring to Ethan.

“He was in dissociation state at first after the incident because his mind refuses to accept the fact that his father died because of him. He didn’t know the fact that his father died, all he knew was that it run away and left him and it was his fault.”

“So why did he think that he was the murderer?” I asked, confused.

“He thought it was an attempted murder and it was because of that why his father ran away. He knew her Grandma has a mental illness so he understands that she was mistaken to call him a murderer although he thinks he is because it was what he thought he did, that he attempted to kill his father.”

My grip on the cup tightened as I stare at Grayson on the CCTV footage.

“So he remembered everything the moment he saw the fire four years ago when we were in the Philippines? As if he was in the incident?” I asked.

She sighed and nodded.

“I think that’s when his PTSD occurred. Some PTSD can occur years after the traumatic incident and that’s what happened in his case. At first, he just don’t like seeing fire but it got triggered that time.”

“So what was Ethan’s role?”

“It was to accompany him amidst the guilt. It was because of you.”

My forehead knotted out of confusion as I grip my cup tightly.

“What do you mean because of me?”

She sighed.

“If it weren’t because of you. Probably, he must’ve done suicide but because he thinks that you still need him in order for you to heal, his mind created Ethan for him to keep on living although it was also created to be his reason to die. His mind believes that if he died because of Ethan, you won’t be mad at him for killing himself. Since he saved you from suicide, he doesn’t want himself to be your role model to do it again.”

“Did he got interviewed about that?” I asked with my trembling voice.

She nodded.

“Patients will be recorded when being consulted and I watched his video.”

I nodded and sighed. It has been a month since I last saw him. Visitations are not allowed so I can’t visit him in the mean time.

“It was Rhiana who gave me the video.” She said.

I looked at her with confused look but my lips parted after realizing something.

Again, my eyes shifted back to the laptop.

So this was the video he’s talking about? Him, fighting alone without anyone? He thought I was disgusted because of this?

I stood.

“Thank you for today, Lia. I think I need to go.”

She stood too and nodded too.

Heading towards mom’s company, I bump into someone and it was Rhiana.

She looks drained and exhausted.

“Rhiana.” I called.

But she ignored me and the next thing I knew was that she was walking in the middle of the street with green lights on.

“Rhiana!” I shouted along with my mom from behind.

Loud beeps synchronized with the clamorous talks and curses of people but she didn’t mind those cusses and went on walking with her fragile walk and distress look.

I watched them as mom ran towards her and pulled her on the side of the street.

“What are you doing?!” She shouted at her.

“Why?! Now you care for me?! Let me die on my own because no one cared for me! Not even my own mom!” She fumed.

That gave me a dumbstruck.

Own mom?

“Don’t make a scandal here!” She pulled her away from the people.

Rhiana kept on shouting and blabbering things as she cry hard. Everyone was looking at her as if disgusted if only the guards didn’t help them get in.

I don’t know why I followed them until they both went in to the women’s restroom.

“You! You never love me! Today is my birthday, mom! But you acted as if your daughter was not born this day!” Her shout echoed around the bathroom.

She’s my sister?

“Stop being overdramatic, Rhiana and get out of my building! Don’t make a scandal here!”

She cried.

“Why? What’s wrong with me?! Why don’t no one love me? I never once felt that you love me! You kept on mentioning your favorite daughter in my whole years of being with you! All I want was love but you’re too selfish to give that to me!”

“Rhiana!”

“Should I die? Today is my birthday right? Today was the time that you gave birth to me but I regret being alive! I was there when you cannot move your hand but you chose to caress Alessia’s hand rather than the hands who helped you! I was there when you were crying alone but you chose to wipe her tears off over mine! You are so selfish! Even Andra who’s not your daughter felt the love from you but I, your daughter by blood never did!” She cried loud.

“That’s because I don’t like your perso—”

“I was abused, mom! I was abused by my father before he died! I grow up in a house were my ears would always hear a shout so I grew up shouting! I just need care to be better!”

I leaned my back on the wall and closed my eyes as I listen to her grievances.

This is why I never judge her from the very beginning even when she was a bitch. At first I couldn’t understand her attitude but hearing all her grievances, I realize that she just needs love. She was yearning for someone to love her and when she finally felt it with Grayson, she exceeded the thought of love that she ended up wanting for more. . . from someone.

Everyone has their own story. Not everyone needs a sympathy, some just wants to be treated right and to be comprehended by others.

“Alessia, I gave Grayson a leave for today so she can visit you. Today’s your birthday right?” Lia asked on the line.

I stared at the sunset here in my favorite place located in my old neighborhood. It has been a week since I discovered my relationship with Rhiana. After that she got diagnosed with MDD or Major Depressive Disorder. Currently, mom’s taking care of her and even if Rhiana cannot see me, I always visit her to see her state.

I’m afraid she might do the same thing like what Andra did.

She’s my sister after all.

I cannot bare to lose another sister because of suicide.

“Mmm.” I answered Lia on the line.

I shriek when I felt a hug from behind.

“Happy birthday, my baby.” It was Grayson.

Lia coughed on the line.

“I’ll hung-up now. Tell Grayson to come back to the hospital after celebrating your birthday. His medication still needs to be monitored, okay?”

“Mmm. Thanks, Lia.”

“You’re welcome, Alessia.”

I hung up and faced Grayson. He’s wearing a light blue untucked button down shirt. After weeks of not seeing him, his face still remained handsome.

“I miss you.” He gave my lips several pecks.

I smiled and hugged him tight while tip toeing.

“I’m not jealous of Rhiana anymore.” I said.

He chuckled and hugged me too.

“Happy that you’re admitting it.”

“From now on, if I’m jealous of women, I’ll immediately tell you and it’s up to you how you’ll handle it. I played my part, I will not stay silent anymore and you should find a way not to make me feel that way.” I uttered with a smile.

“From now on, if I’m jealous of men, I’ll immediately tell you but I won’t restrain you from being with them as long as they don’t exceed my limit. I played my part of giving them a warn, I will not restrain anymore especially with my punch.”

I laughed at what he said.

It was a moment of silence. I let the cold breeze embraced both our bodies along with the rays of the sun that kissed my skin. The humming birds were always present whilst the whistle of the wind that danced with my wavy hair.

“I’m not whole yet.” I said after a while.

“We’ll find your piece together.”

I smiled at that thought but it faded the moment I’ll utter my next words.

“No. I’ll find it on my own.”

He didn’t respond. His grip on me tightened.

I heaved a sigh and loosened my hug on him. His eyes were looking at my eyes with confusion but I gave him my weary and genuine smile.

I caress his face as I stare intently at his features.

“Let me. . . go.” I whispered the last words.

He gripped my hand and shook his head.

“I’ll let you go too.” I gave him my genuine smile.

“Why? You said you won’t leave me?” His voice was in pain and in confusion as his eyes trembled in fear.

I bit my lower lip and gripped his hands too.

“Grayson, we need to find our own missing piece. I’ll find mine so you go and find yours. We should not be dependent of each other.” I shook my head and wiped the lone tear that escaped his bloodshot eyes.

“But you’re my missing piece, Alessia. Don’t go. Don’t leave. . .” He shook his head consecutive times.

I shook my head too and gave him a peck on his lips.

“Don’t be dependent of me, my love. You should learn to find yourself on your own. Be whole again not because of me but because of you. You understand what I mean?” I asked using my soft tone.

“No. I don’t understand you.”

I caress his hands.

“Grayson, we can’t be with each other all the time. We should learn to live on our own. We need to grow as individuals. Ourselves. . . we should learn to love our own selves.”

He bowed and shook his head.

I lifted his jaws and wiped his tears off.

“What if you’ll find someone else while I was still finding for my own piece?” His voice was in wound.

“Then let me go.” I smiled at him.

“No. . .” He whispered.

“And if you also find someone else. I’ll. . . let you go too.” It was hard uttering those words.

“Find yourself, my love. I’ll wait for the time that you’ll be whole because I know you’ve never been whole in your whole life while I was whole because of your pieces not because of mine.” I gave him a peck on his cheeks.

“You can be with—”

“If you’ll keep being with me, you’ll end up giving your pieces to mine and if I keep being with you, I’ll end up being dependent in your stand.” I cut him off.

He closed his eyes and shook his head as his tears fell like a rain in a storm, hurt, wounded, and in pain.

I hugged him as tight as I could.

“Can. . . can you at least spend this day with me? After this day, I’ll give you my answer.” He almost whispered to the air.

I nodded and stayed under the roof of his doting arms that has sheltered me away from the pouring tears of angst and gave me a home from being prisoned by the darkness of my thoughts.

He will always be my home, protector, and shelter, even if it will only stay in my memories. Even if he’ll just be a part of my . . . yesterday.

“Happy birthday, Alessia!” They surprised me on the roof.

I smiled at the same venue. We were on the same rooftop with the same arrangements and design. It was serene only that I was shock by Rhiana’s presence.

Thea and Justine were also present. Even Herra was there beside Haley while Justine and Lia were on the mini stage.

“She knew you were always there.” Mom smiled at me and held Rhiana’s hand.

Rhiana bowed but I noticed her small smile.

I can’t help but to smile at the picture.

“There’s a calm surrender,
To the rush of the day. . .” Lia  started singing.

“Can I have this dance, my baby?” Grayson lend me his hands.

I smiled at him and accepted his hands.

“Sure, my love.”

We head towards the middle. Beside us were Thea and Justine who stood too along with Mom and Rhiana who had a playful dance that made Rhiana laugh.

“Focus on me.” Grayson whispered.

“Mmm.” I answered and wrapped my hands around his nape while I close my eyes.

“And can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are. . .”

“I love you, my baby.” Grayson said.

I opened my eyes and smiled at him.

“I love you too, my love.”

It was serene. Everything was almost in pieces. The starry night sky was there as if staring at our love story along with its glistening star that was the evident of our everlasting love for each other.

“All right, everyone. Let’s all go to the downstairs and give them privacy.” Mom shouted.

“Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s go. No one’s allowed to peek. And the two couples, no gossipers allowed.” Lia said and clapped her hands.

And in just a snap, we were left alone in the rooftop, only the two of us.

“You’ll always be my baby.” He gave me a genuine smile.

And when the music on the retro gramophone player stops along with our body that stop was his kiss on my forehead.

It was quiet for a while. His lips stayed on my forehead and I let him. I caress his hands that were both on my ears and felt the melodious music I felt every time he kiss my forehead.

“Now you’re free. . . Go find yourself, my baby. Fly high and spread your wings wide. I’ll look up to you as I climb the mountain to reach you high.” He whispered.

I smiled and closed my eyes as a tear fell off my eyes.

“Find yourself, my love. Remember that you’ll always be a part of me even when we’re not together anymore.” I said with so much sincerity.

He made me face him and I opened my eyes by the time he wiped my tears off.

“I’m deeply grateful that I met a woman like you.” His voice was full of sincerity.

I smiled along with my tears that flowed down.

“Thank you for loving a woman like me, Grayson.”

“Thank you for letting me love a woman like you, Alessia.”

I closed my eyes when he leaned in towards me and by the time his lips met mine, my hands immediately hugged his nape along with his kiss that was tender and slow as if tasting every part of it thoroughly, remembering every pieces of it.

His hands that were on my jaw was caressing my cheeks as he kiss me but my tears kept on cascading down because I know for sure that I’ll miss his lips that shut my clamorous demons down and his embrace that sheltered me over the raging horns of my past.

He removed his lips off mine and that was when I knew that I have to go on my own journey alone again.

“This will be the last kiss and dance from the Grayson you knew. I’m setting you free, my baby.” He smiled at me.

I gulped and smiled at him.

“A glimpse is enough to be thankful for my yesterday. I’ll forever be thankful that you became a part of my yesterday, Grayson.”

He smiled at me and slowly. . . his hold on me loosened.

Without any words, I turned my back on him and stepped my way towards the direction of my own.

Who would’ve thought that our toxic break-up would end up to a mature break-up.

“Where are you going, Alessia?” Mom asked me.

It has been a year that passed. And in those whole year, I fulfilled my duty as the Miss Universe until the last period of my reign, now that I’m free, I need a time on my own.

“Church, ma.”

She smiled at me and nodded.

For the whole year if living here in the Philippines, I had learn to be faithful maybe because most people here are religious and spiritual.

Looking at the huge church, I entered the gate and asked the Scan— the guard of the church if I could go inside the temple for a prayer since it’s close for the mean time because it’s not the day of the worship yet.

With a humble smile, he nodded and opened the gate for me.

“Sure, ma’am. Kindly, follow me.” He walked towards the church.

I followed him and since short skirts and jeans are not allowed inside the church, I wore a knee length skirt and white floral blouse.

With his keys, he opened the door of the temple.

“You can cry as loud as you can, ma’am. No one will judge you. Even I, a man, cry too.” He gave me a genuine smile.

I nodded and smile.

“Thank you.”

He nodded too and head his way towards the gate to guard the church.

I let out a deep breath and entered the temple. As I step with my heels on on the floor marble, the sound of it echoed around the temple. The huge chandelier on the ceiling was turned off but since it’s daylight, I could see the light from the outside window. With a chair that separates men and women, I sat on the women’s chair and closed my eyes.

This is what I learned— to pray when everything’s hard. Panata they say.

I realized that in my whole years of living, I never did once called for His guidance. I was busy hating life and society that I ended up disregarding the fact that He was always there to listen.

I once called Him. But it was not because I need Him and His guidance but it was because I was mad at Him that I ended up questioning him on why did He do such things.

It was Him who saved me, and Grayson was His tool.

I prayed for my guidance. I prayed that I’ll be able to find myself. I prayed for Grayson’s healing. I prayed that Grayson would be able to find himself and both of us, can be whole on our own.

And in the middle of finding my whole, I found God.

“Justine!” I shouted with a smile and ran towards him.

“I miss you!” He shouted with full of delight and hugged me too.

“Oh, what a sore to see couples.” Haley rolled her eyes.

I loosened my hug on Justine and gave him my smile while he held my hands and squeezed it.

“So are you getting married now? Alessia’s already thirty.” Lia said with a smile.

“She still looks beautiful though.” Justine teased and wrapped his arms around my shoulder.

“Hon.” Jade who was clinging to Justine, pouted.

“Oh, my wife’s jealous.” He laughed and removed his hands off me.

“Don’t be threatened.” I shook my head.

“By the way, congratulations to the married couple.” Jason said.

I sat on the round table where my friends are.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Lia asked me.

I rolled my eyes when Haley and Jason laughed hard.

“Oh. Does she have one?” The two asked in synchronized.

“By the way, my brother’s getting married next week.”

That gave me a dumbstruck. Even Haley and Jason who was laughing shifted to a shock gasps.

“Grayson’s already in New York?!” The two asked in synchronized.

“Uh-huh. He came back yesterday.” She answered with a smile.

It has been 4 years since I last saw him. I never thought he’d be married.

There’s a part of me that was in heartache but half of me was happy that he was able to find a woman whom he can love after me.

I sighed as I stare at the sunset here in my favorite location. After hearing what Lia said yesterday, I don’t know if I was going to regret the choice I did back then but since I know that the choice I did was not just for me but for both of us as individuals, I guess I should accept that fact.

Is Grayson happy?

Will he be able to love the woman the way he loved me back then?

Will I be able to find another man?

I stared at my reflection on the pond in deep thought not until I shriek because of a sudden guitar sound from behind.

My heart started beating at its ferocious state by the time I recognized the song just by its intro.

“When my head is full of questions,
And the sky is full of rain. . .” It was the familiar voice of a man from behind.

Tears streamed down from my eyes as I look at my reflection on the pond.

Nostalgia.

Only that now, I’m looking at the reflection of the whole new Alessia— not the shattered and wrecked Alessia back then.

I looked behind me and I saw Grayson with his guitar wearing a guitar strap, smiling at me as he step near me.

I bit my lower lip as I observe his face that I never  get to see for the past 3 years.

“‘Cause if we just smile,
We can forget all of our troubles for a while. . .” He sang with a smile.

I smile too.

“You stalker.” I said and shook my head.

He laughed and stopped the strumming of the guitar.

“Hi, Ms. Oh shit! I am Mr. Gentleman.” He introduced himself and lend me his hands.

I laughed and accepted his hands while he gripped it tight as he stare at me with a smile.

“Hello, Mr. Gentleman, this is Ms. Oh shit. The whole new beautiful Ms. Oh shit.” I introduced too.

His smile widened.

“Nice to meet you, Ms. Oh shit. This is the whole new Mr. Gentleman, speaking in his handsome voice and face.” He winked at me.

It was a moment of silence. Our hands remained on each other’s palm as we both stare at each other’s face with both genuine smile plastered on our face.

“Can I court you, Ms. Oh shit?” He asked.

I removed my hands off him and raised my one brow.

“Is this called love at first sight, Mr. Gentleman?” I gave him my intimidating aura.

He laughed.

I rolled my eyes while he gave me smirk.

“I’ll make sure you’ll fall for me, Alessia Mae Robins.”

And that’s when our love story once again begins.

This time, the first chapter of our page will stare the woman of a brave, courageous, and optimistic person with a man who doesn’t have any secrets anymore.

And together, we’ll take a glimpse of our yesterday, enough to be thankful that we were once a broken and empty glass on our own.

I am Alessia Mae Robins, a woman who was once loomed over by darkness for I was raised under the crippled hands of yesterday, has now found its own feet to walk towards the proximity of illumination, together with the man who let me see the beauty reflected under the eyes of today ahead to the shore of hope for tomorrow.

This is me, Ms. Oh shit, ceasing the dark yesterday of my past to close, for now, a new beginning has arose.

I have learned to take a glimpse of yesterday.

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