Trigger Warning: Disturbing thought of a character that could be alarming.

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Chapter 44

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Mom hugged me tight.

It has been a month since Andra died but pain, guilt, sadness and anger were still  planted in my heart.

I gave mom my weary smile.

“I want to be alone. Can you leave me?” I asked, tired.

She sighed and nodded.

“Okay. Just call me when you need me, okay? I’m sorry, I really need to go back to New York.”

I nodded and closed my eyes. Mom covered my body with a comforter and kissed my forehead before I heard the door clanked.

Minutes later, I opened my eyes in the utter darkness and stared at nothingness for a long period of hours.

Andra left and he. . .

I bit my lower lip when I remember the time I went to New York to ask Lia about his state after weeks of Andra’s death.

“He disappeared.” She avoided my gaze.

“What?”

“He disappeared, Alessia! He failed being a doctor! He suffered a Major Depressive Disorder weeks after being confined! Happy?!” She fumed.

I gulped. I thought he would be okay.

“Where?” My voice trembled.

“I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t want to see your face! Get out!” She pushed me out of her condo.

Lia hated me.

I understand her. I’m sure I crossed the line too much that it affected Grayson that much.

I tried contacting him but it looks like he threw all his phone. No one’s answering. No connection of him. Even his Instagram or other account were deactivated.

Major Depressive Disorder. . . is it because of me? Is it because of our break-up?

I remembered what Grayson said the last time I saw him.

“Communication is important in all kind of relationship!”

But I failed that.

Now, I’m regretting the fact that I always choose silence over communication. I realize that I was really a toxic person.

I hate toxic people yet I’m toxic myself.

Hypocrite. You’re a great hypocrite, Alessia.

It’s already in the middle of the night. I’m sure everyone’s already asleep but here I am, blaming myself over and over again. I’m so sick of this.

I stood and with a dead-like body, I went to the cabinet and opened the door.

Rope. . . You seems so shiny right now. You seems so tempting. Wonder how would it feel when you’re wrapped around my neck?

Without any second thought, I grabbed the rope that was hidden on my cabinet and a chair.

Humming, I positioned the rope on the ceiling while I was standing on the chair.

Should I write a letter just like Andra?

So I decided to come down first and write a letter for mom.

Done. Who’s next?

I gulped when I remember the man who healed me and saved me seven years ago— no, eight years ago.

Should I write a letter for him too?

I sighed and decided to write a letter for him.

I was smiling the whole time while writing a letter, reminiscing all our past.

Our meet up eight years ago. His voice that saved me. The half of hundred Goya chocolate he brought to me because I’m not his girlfriend yet. Him carrying me on the stair because of my trauma. Him walking with me on the stage because I was out of confidence. Him sleeping with me beside the cabinet because I cannot sleep on bed. Him comforting me whenever my episode attack me.

My tears cascaded down because of that thought.

Our first kiss and dance on the roof. . . His warm embrace, his kiss on my forehead. My home. I missed my home.

Why can’t I find another home without you, Grayson?

I sobbed again and threw the pen.

“Why?!” I shouted at nothingness.

I cried and kneeled on the floor.

“What did I do wrong?! Why did you have to do this to me?!” I never did talked to Him but this time, I cannot help but to ask Him why.

“Why did I have to suffer from the very beginning?! Why are you so unfair?! Why did you choose to give me a life when you’re just going to make me suffer, huh?!” I fumed at Him as I cried.

With all my strength, I abruptly threw everything that was on my night stand and kneeled on the floor as I sobbed.

“Life here is hell! I don’t care if I go to hell because of this!” I shouted at Him and stood.

I have decided the thought that I should really end my life today. I don't care if God get's mad at me, he never cared for me from the very beginning after all.

Crying, I stepped towards the chair I prepare but I stopped when my bare feet touched something.

I looked down at it and I can’t help but to sob after seeing the MP3 Player Grayson made for me.

I don’t know why I was wasting time but I sat on the floor, sobbing, and grabbed the MP3 Player.

“When my heads is full of questions,
And the sky is full of rain. . .”

I sobbed at the song.

I should at least listen to his song for the last time, right?

“‘Cause if we just smile,
We can forget all our troubles for a while. . .”

I smiled while listening to his voice.

Until I dozed off.

The next morning, I decided to clean all the mess I did.

“You and I get through the darkness
Knowing we’ll find the light. . .” I sang the song while cleaning all my mess.

“Just smile, my baby.” Grayson’s voice on the player after the end of the song that made me smile.

“Smile.” I smiled on my reflection on the vanity mirror.

And for the second time, his voice saved me again.

I decided to pursue my love’s dream. Instead of modelling, I tried competing for beauty pageants. First competition, I didn’t win but few tries, I brought consecutive crowns.

And it was all because of the thought that one day, he’ll see me on the television, competing on something big. By then, I’ll make him proud.

“Good evening, Ms. Manila.” The judge greeted me.

I smiled at her.

“Good evening.” I greeted back.

“Go bes!” Thea, my friend, shouted on the crowd.

I smiled at her and I was assured that my nervousness subsided because of her support. Beside her was mom, standing and clapping for no reason.

I breathe in and out. I need to win this competition to be the country’s Miss Universe representative.

“They say a women has always been weaker than men. As a woman, how will you defend your stand?” She put her mic down.

I exhaled deep before smiling.

“Well first of all, I’m not going to defend my stand as a woman but would rather choose to defend my stand as a person who believes in equality.” I started.

Shit. I wish my answer won’t be far from the question.

“A men can be weak as well as a women can be strong. It’s not— well it should not be a stereotype wherein it requires a man to be stronger or a woman to be weaker because we all deserves to cry as well as we all needs to be sturdy. Be strong in the midst of despair and be weak when you are too drained. Learn to stop pretending, my fellow Filipinos because we are all person created by God! Flawed, yet strong when we're weak! Thank you!”

Crowd then cheered led by my friend and mom.

I don’t know if my answer was great but because I uttered it with confidence, I was satisfied with it.

“The Miss Philippines that will soon be competing for Miss Universe is. . .” And now, the long wait is over.

After four years of losing and winning. Four years of being dragged by others just because of my education background and  family history, here I am, standing in front of my fellow country men, cheering and giving my heart an overwhelming feeling.

“Ms. Manila!”

I closed my eyes for celebration after hearing my city’s name.

Thea and mom on the audience went wild along with those who supported me and my city.

I don’t know if I was mistaken but the moment I opened my eyes, I met the familiar sapphire eyes of a man near the dim part of the arena.

Love. . . My Grayson.

But in just a blink, his eyes disappeared.

I sighed in disappointment.

“Oh my god! Ms. Philippines! Congratulations, girl!” Thea shouted in such an exasperated tone.

I rolled my eyes.

“Have you seen a foreigner here? Earlier?” I asked.

“Girl, there are a lot of hotty foreigners earlier, yes!” She blushed as she sigh dreamingly.

That gave me slight hope.

“Man with sapphire eyes?”

Her eyes widened.

“Oh my gosh.” She covered  both her mouth.

I rolled my eyes. She’s always been dramatic like this.

“Yes, girl! There’s a hottie boy with sapphire eyes I saw! And I know that man! He’s one of the C.E.O who just build a new brand chocolate factory in Europe this year!” She screeched as loud as she could that it almost ruined my eardrums.

Owner of a chocolate company?

“What brand?”

“A&G chocolate.” She shrugged.

Ever since I joined Beauty Pageants, I seldomly eat chocolate and most of them are Goya. I never looked at other brands and that brand name was kind of new.

“A&G. What a weird name it is.” I commented.

Thea rolled her eyes.

“I bet you won’t dare commenting that once you saw how handsome and hottie the C.E.O is. Thinking of it. Why is he here? But girl, I took a pic of him!”

“Really?” I sounded interested. “I don’t care.” I added and rolled my eyes when I realize my Grayson would be jealous once he knew that I'm interested to that newbie C.E.O!

“Whatever, Ms. Philippines! My baby Drake is only mine.” She flipped her hair and walked out.

“Wait. . . Drake?” I held her hands.

She looked at me and smirked.

“Handsome name right? Just like his face!” She blushed and screeched again.

“What’s his name?” My heart starts hammering against my chest.

My mind was already forming conclusions just by realizing the initials of the brand name but I don’t want to assume—

“Grayson Drake Alonzo.”

Shit.

Instantly, I ran towards my car with my gown on. I grabbed my phone and in the driver’s seat, I searched the brand’s name.

Young C.E.O newly launched his new chocolate company named A&G chocolate by the former resident doctor, Grayson Drake Alonzo, the owner of both hospital in New York and Resorts in Philippines.

What the— he’s not kidding with what he promised?!

Full of disbelief, I threw my phone on the front and stared at nothingness for a second.

He knew I was competing? He attended! That means he’s still not over me? I don’t want to assume but. . .

I bet I was the A on the brand!

“Hey, girl! What happened to you?” Thea asked.

I didn’t talk. I continued contemplating about things.

“Why are you smiling? You look crazy!”

I looked at Thea with confusion and touched my lips and I realize, I am smiling!

“Oh, girl. What’s wrong with you. Why are you suddenly blushing?”

“I’m not!” I denied with a smile as I stare at my phone on the front.

Just wait ‘till I get the crown, Grayson. You’d be proud of me as much as I’m proud of you.

When will I meet you again, my love?

If we meet again, will you embrace me?

“No. He wouldn’t.” I whispered at myself as I stare at his back, stepping away from me.

A tear fell from my eyes, feeling the excruciating pain from the coldness of his back while the song that reminiscence our past kept on playing in the air like a cold embrace without his warmth.

“It’s enough for this wide-eyed wanderer,
That we got this far. . .” Lia and Jason continued singing the song on the background.

“Miss Universe!”

“Miss Philippines!”

I heard loud calls from the surrounding but my eyes steadied on the man walking away from me.

And my heart completely wrecked at the sight of them, dancing together in the song that used to witness our love story.

Four years. . . Four years but my heart still belongs to you. How could you torture me at the mere sight of dancing with another woman using the song we used to share together?

The cold wind of the azure sky embraced my body along with the hot palms that held my hand.

I looked at the man beside me and I saw the man whom supported me throughout everything, giving me his usual comfort smile.

“Shall we?” Justine asked with a smile.

I’m not in the mood to dance especially with the song but because his smile was alluring, I can’t help but to nod.

He wiped my tears off.

“Cheer up, Miss Universe. Let’s have fun tonight.”

I let him drag me to the middle and with the song, he held my waist and danced with me.

“And can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are. . .”

In the song that used to be ours, now we’re dancing in the arms of different partners.

“A look can hurt you. Just a glimpse of him is enough for you to focus on me today.” Justine said in front of me.

I sighed when I notice I was looking at their direction.

He’s right. I should focus on today not from my yesterday.

A glimpse is enough to be thankful that I once met a man like him.

But will I be contented with just a glimpse of yesterday?

“Shit. She kissed him on his cheeks.” I whispered to Justine while we’re still dancing.

Rhiana was looking at me when he smiled at him. We were meters away from each other but it was enough for me to feel how distant he is.

“You want revenge? Kiss me too.” Justine smirked.

I rolled my eyes because he was obviously taking the chance.

“He’s not looking at us, Justine.”

“I’ll make it happen.” He winked at me.

And in just a snap, we’re already in front of him. I cursed a lot of times when our eyes met but he avoided his eyes at instant even if I can see how his jaw clenched along with his fist.

“I’m waiting for the revenge, Alessia.” Justine whispered, teasing.

Grayson’s reaction will matter. If I see jealousy in it then I’ll conclude he’s still into me.

Without warning, I kissed Justine’s cheeks.

I heard Jason’s cough while singing on the mini stage, luckily Lia saved him by singing.

Justine smirked at me and without warning, he pulled me closer to him that almost, I almost kissed his lips if only I was not fast to avoid my head.

“How does it feel to feel the cheeks of your fist kiss, Miss Universe?” Justine teased.

I scoffed.

Yeah. He’s my first kiss.

My eyes shifted to the back to see his reaction but I only saw his back, walking away from us with fist clenched.

I sighed in disappointment.

And because I wasn’t rude like before, I let Justine finish his first dance with me.

“Thank you, everyone.” Lia and Jason announced on the mic.

“Girl! Let’s eat na!” Thea shouted at me.

She turned to the man beside me.

“Oh hi, Justine! Let’s have a dinner together!”

We both nodded and together, we followed her lead. She stopped every time someone greeted her to say thank you until we reached the huge table.

I stopped after seeing Grayson and Rhiana on our table.

“Thanks for inviting us, Thea.” Lia uttered.

“Of course, bes! You are such a great psychiatrist for helping me heal. By the way, Alessia was the one who introduced you to me.” Thea pointed me.

Ever since Andra died. I started to travel all around the Philippines to tell my sister’s story with those who was suffering from mental illness, telling them how important they are and how important it is to have the will to change. I made an advocacy about mental health and every thing possible to lessen suicide through platforms and other stuffs and that’s when I met Thea.

Mom was very supportive of me. Not just with beauty pageants but with also my goal of spreading awareness. I did a lot research about illnesses and anything related to mental instability to spread my words of inspiration and wisdom for them to keep on going.

“Yeah. I heard a lot about her. I’m a fan of your videos on YouTube. It’s about awareness and mental health right?” Lia asked me as if I was a new stranger to her.

I nodded and sat on the chair.

“Me too! I’m a fan!” Haley raised her hand.

“Me three!” Jason said.

“By the way, you’re a Filipina right? Why are you in New York?” Jason asked Thea, trying to flirt I guess.

“To support my friend’s pageant of course!” Thea sat beside me.

“I watched the pageant. And your performance was on point!” Haley praised me.

“But the highlight of it was the,” Jason cleared his throat. “I am beautiful because of who I think I am and how I see the beauty of people reflected in their hearts and minds.” He copied my voice in a girl tone.

“What about the hottie C.E.O. You seems so quiet, hot man. Did you watch my friend’s performance?”

Thea has always been like this. She has such a thick face. No shame.

I looked at Grayson who looked at her.

“I didn’t get to watch it.” He answered.

That break my heart.

“As if he didn’t shout go Philippines in the middle of patients who supported U.S.A!” Justine shouted and the three laughed.

Seeing him flush. I know they are not lying. My lips parted as my heart who once died started beating like a person resurrected.  

And that’s when my next mission got unlocked.

I don’t care what will happen but I’ll chase over him. I know there’s still a chance.

Because I’m not contented with just a glimpse of yesterday.

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