Trigger Warning: Disturbing scene and mention of inappropriate word that can be alarming.

Read at your own risk. Please.

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Chapter 43

“Are you sure you want to stay in the Philippines?” Mom asked, worried.

I nodded. I can’t stay at this building especially when I know that we live in the same building.

“I’ll be with you. I have a house there. I’ll guide you.”

“Can I go? I want to be with her.” Andra said.

“Of course, you’re going with me, Andra. Besides, I don’t know if I’ll come back here again.” I sighed while packing my things.

I know they have a hunch about my relationship with Grayson but they both chose silence and I’m thankful for that.

I rolled my luggage and opened the door but I got shock after seeing the figure of the man.

“Justine?”

“Hi, ex. I’ll help you carry your luggage.” He grabbed my luggage and Andra’s.

I looked at Andra and mom with confusion.

“He’s a good guy. He’s the son of my friend’s new husband.”

I nodded.

Son of her friend?

I thought he’ll only be with us until airport but I was shock that he has his tickets too.

“Vacation. And I’ll introduce you to the modeling company I know in the Philippines. My dad has a lot of connection, you see. I know you need money.” He smiled when he noticed my confusion.

He changed— he matured to be exact.

By the time we stepped in the country again, this time, we’re in the different city, Manila, but still, I found home and piece in this country. Maybe because of the people or is it because I have a Filipino blood.

Time flies fast. We stayed in mom’s house while Andra decided to continue her education here for her to continue studying and I’m thankful that mom’s here to support us.

“Congrats. I talked to the manager and he said he likes the way you walk.” Justine clapped.

“Tha— thanks. . .” My voice was reluctant about the word.

I’m still not used to saying thank you. It had a huge effect on me when I was a child but thankfully, I got used to it, sometimes.

He sat on the bench and I sat beside him. It has been a month since I broke-up with the man I love but my heart still longs for him.

We’re in the park here in Manila, after I finished taking a photoshoot whole night. Justine has always been with me and I don’t know why he’s still here even when I already found my job.

“Mind asking why you can’t say the word ‘thank you’ easily? I noticed that.” He said and gave me an ice cream— sorbetes they say.

I accepted the ice cream and looked at the kids playing and shouting with full of jolly and delight.

“When I was a kid. Mom got raped by dad and I go watch it.” I started.

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Is that why. . .”

“Uh-huh. I had a trauma with intimate scenes back then. But that’s not what I want to pertain.” I sighed. “That time, mom got shot by dad’s silencer gun.”

He let out a shock gasped.

I smiled while staring at the kids.

“I was six that time. Mom hugged me tight even with her bleeding hands. Whole night, she kept saying thank you to me and I couldn’t understand why but because she was crying and I saw blood, I cried the whole night too while dad’s in deep sleep.”

“That asshole.” I heard him whisper.

“But realizing it as I became more mature. You see, I became mature at a young age, got to watch tormenting scenes while I was a kid, got to hear sobs and shouts every night. Everything was painful by the start I opened my eyes, ‘til I can talk and think, nothing changed.”

He faced his body towards me to listen more. I don’t know why I’m opening up to him but I realize that opening up is greater rather than keeping it inside you.

“I realize that she was saying thank you to me because she almost killed dad that time with the gun while he was in his sleep if only I didn’t hug her on her knees.”

His jaw dropped at my story.

“But that wasn’t the case because she pointed the gun on her head too.” I smiled and shook my head.

“What. . .?”

“I cried and kneeled in front of her. Saying sorry for everything and because of that she kneeled too and hugged me. She kept on blabbering thank you until we reached the hospital to treat her hands.”

“Ohh. . .” He thought I was done.

“Dad almost got arrested that time but he has a friend that has strong connection. Mom was frustrated, she was on the hospital and she told me that she wants to get out. So what I did. . .” I heaved a sigh.

A bitter smile formed into my lips as I remember the memory.

“You’re dad will kill me! Please help me get out!” Mom begged me.

I cried. I don’t know what to do.

She looks paled and drained. I’m worried about mom.

“Oh shit! He’s here!” She shouted and panicked.

I cried once again. The doctor said that it’s bad to cry in hospital but I kept on crying and crying.

I looked at mom under the hospital bed but I immediately looked at the front when it opened the door.

“Where’s your mom!” Dad shouted.

I cried.

I’m scared.

So I ran away from the hospital bed where mom is, in the corner of the room.

“Dad!” I shouted when he chocked me.

I sobbed again after feeling his huge arms on my neck.

“Tell me where your mom is!” He shouted, angry at me.

I don’t want to! You’ll kill her!

“Can’t breathe! Can’t breathe!” I begged him.

But he didn’t listen. My feet was not touching the ground anymore because of his choke and I cannot breathe anymore.

I cried and cried and continued to cry more after seeing mom behind dad, slowly trying to escape.

She covered her mouth that was not shot by dad after seeing me and stepped backward, away from me.

Help, mom. . .

Mom opened the door while I cannot talk anymore because as I was choke to death. I can see her blurry eyes when she stepped out.

“Thank you.” She said without voice before running away, leaving me alone.

And that’s when I didn’t see her presence again. She left me alone while I was being abused by dad, always shouting at me because mom left him.

Justine wiped my tears off that pulled me out from the past.

“I’m glad you survived.” He smiled after hearing my story.

“We were at the hospital. Nurses heard my shout.”

He nodded and looked at the kids in front of us.

“I’m sorry with what I said back then. I’m sorry for judging you.”

I smiled with full of bitterness.

“That’s the natural human nature, Justine. They tend to judge you because of how you act and talk only because you look normal like them. Well, it’s sad how most people pitied a person with disability but looked disgusted at people with mental illness just because we look fine unlike persons with disability.”

He sighed and bowed out of shame.

“Not everyone is comfortable telling their own story, Justine. Everyone has their own story and we cannot judge a person by the way it act, talk and how it looked outside. It’s pathetic that there are millions of people in this world but only few people has enough sympathy and empathy towards those who have mental illness.”

“I’m sorry for making fun of your illness.” He was very apologetic.

“Apology accepted. You see, you’re like the society. They make fun of you only because you look funny with how their  naked eyes could see but once you tell them their story, they’ll end up feeling pity and sorry towards you but it’s already too late. Damage has been done.” I smiled at him.

He sighed and lend me his hands.

“We can still be friends right?” He smiled.

I accepted his hands and smiled.

“Friends.”

The next days, I became more busy. Justine already left the country and bid his goodbye along with mom who needs to go back to the New York for she still has a company to manage.

I entered the house and felt tired and exhausted due to opportunities of photoshoots and covers I accepted with almost the same schedule.

I lay on the sofa and closed my eyes.

“Alessia. Can we—”

“I’m tired, Andra. Talk to me later.” I uttered in my drowsy tone.

“Oh okay.” I heard the door clanked.

The next days, I became more irritated whenever I’m in the house. I was tired and exhausted yet she didn’t clean the house.

“Andra! You’re sleeping again! You lazy woman! Go to school!” I shouted with full of frustration.

Her room was a big mess. Junk foods and crumpled paper are everywhere.

“Okay.” Her voice was lazy when she rose up.

“Make sure you pass this semester.” My voice was cold when I banged her door loud.

It became worse. I lost touch with her. She always wanted to talk to me but her timings were always off that I turned them down consecutive times.

“Tomorrow is my birthday!” She announced one day while we were in the middle of eating our dinner.

“Mmm.” My voice was tired.

December 31, her birthday. Mom apologized that she has to do her work that time but she promised she’ll be here in January 2, after the New Year and I understand her.

“Tomorrow, you have a photoshoot, right?” She asked.

I nodded and sighed.

“I’m sorry. We’ll celebrate your birthday tomorrow evening.”

“No. It’s okay! Actually, I have a surprise for you!” She exclaimed full of joy.

I put down my silverware and looked at her.

“Really? But it’s your birthday tomorrow. . .”

“I know!” She giggled. “It’s a surprise you know.”

I smiled at her. She looks happy.

We talked about frivolous things. I don’t know why she’s uttering things that doesn’t make sense but it made me laugh, I never thought I’d listen or even talk about frivolous topic.

“Can we have a movie marathon?” She asked with a smile.

I wanted to take down her offer because I have an early photoshoot tomorrow but since it’s her birthday tomorrow and I cannot celebrate it tomorrow morning and afternoon with her, I agreed.

She picked a comedy movie and clung on to me the whole marathon of watching. We laughed and enjoyed our time together until she fell asleep on my shoulder.

I kissed her forehead and slowly laid her on the sofa.

There was a drop of tear that escaped her closed eyes with her eyes closed so I wiped it off and stared at her for a while before deciding to sleep.

“Good job, everyone. Happy new year!” The director of the photoshoot announced.

We bid our goodbyes. They smiled at me so I smiled back.

“Hey, Alessia. There’s a celebration, want to come with us? Let’s celebrate our New year!” One of the staff called me.

I smiled.

“Thank you but I'm sorry. I need to celebrate my sister’s birthday.”

“Oh. Okay. Tell her happy birthday.” She smiled.

I nodded.

“I will.”

Humming with an ease mind, I went out of the building. I looked at my phone and it’s already 10 in the evening. I saw Andra’s message but I chose to read it later and buy her a gift.

I brought a lot of chocolates and dresses for her. I can’t help but to feel overwhelm that the basket who used to be half empty whenever I shop is now full with my gifts for her.

The time I entered my car, I remember that I should text Andra so I smiled and opened her message.

My smile faded and without any valid reason, I paled the moment I read her last message.

I wish by the new year, you’ll be happy, away from the burden :D

“Shit.” I cursed and immediately speed up my car.

I have a bad feeling about the message and I wish I was mistaken.

“Please no. Please don’t. Please don’t. Please, Andra.” I whispered as I felt my tears cascading down.

I beeped as loud as I could, I don’t care if I’ll be in an accident just don’t let Andra do what I’m thinking.

Running towards our house, with a trembling hand, I opened the door.

“Andra!” I shouted.

No one answered. The house was empty.

My tears became wild after seeing the state of the house.

It was clean. The house was clean.

“Please don’t be.” I opened Andra’s door.

My beating skipped, and I felt like I was out of breath the moment I saw her in her own room.

“Andra!” I cried and hugged her feet that was on the air.

I cannot breathe. I cannot utter any word as I sobbed hard. Trying my best to give her feet a ground she could step into.

“No! Please! No! Andra!” I called her name as I tried my very best for my feet not to give up just so I could support her.

But she didn’t answer.

I’ve been calling her for hours but no one answered. She was silent.

I gave up. My feet gave up. Everything that was left in me crashed down into pieces. I held my heart as tight as I could, trying to bear with the excruciating pain as I stare at her, on the ceiling, rope on her neck, eyes were closed.

“Why?” I asked her as I sob.

“Why, Andra! Why! It’s your birthday today!” I sobbed until I lost voice.

I was sobbing when I saw a piece of paper on her cleaned night stand.

Even if I have no remaining strength left, I went near her bed and grabbed the paper while catching for more air.

I lost my breath the moment I saw her letter. Her suicide letter dedicated to me.

Dear my lovely sister,

I was bullied.

I cried with the first sentence. It was painful. I should’ve let her talk to me. I should’ve gave her enough time to cry in my arms.

I hated school. Whether here or in New York, they bullied me for having a criminal father and a sister with mental illness. You see, you’re quite popular! ;) I want to say to you that they are just jealous of me because I’m pretty but I couldn’t talk to you.

I sobbed hard with full of remorse. I wanted to punch myself for not talking to her. For not hugging her tight whenever she needs me.

So I carried it for months until I decided I want to quit school. But I realize that you’ll be mad if I quit school again :D so surprise! You won’t have any burden anymore! You won’t get a problem if I fail this semester. I wish you’re happy with my surprise, pretty sister. I love you until hell! Hehe :D

“No! I’m not happy, Andra! I’m not happy!” I shouted at her as I sob.

I didn’t continue the letter and crumpled it because it was too much for me to bear, all I did was to sob.

But my sobbed stopped after seeing something on the ground.

I grabbed it and I was completely lost of words after seeing the box.

It was the same medicine I took when I had a PTSD.

She had a PTSD?

“No. . .” I uttered in disbelief when I realize that she also has a childhood traumatic experience.

I immediately opened the crumpled letter to read her painful letter.

They bullied me because I had a mental illness too. I acted weird whenever I see guitars. Bizarre! :0

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” I shouted with full of rage.

I sobbed hard until I heard a shout from the outside along with the painful sounds of the fireworks and horns.

“Happy new year!” I heard people shouting from the outside as they laugh and giggle.

I can’t help but to smile with bitterness at my state. I heard laughs and shouts of happiness while I was here, shouting all alone in misery at the person who cannot even talk back to me.

Life is so unfair.

While everyone was celebrating New Year with their loved ones, I was alone in the dark, grieving for my loved ones’ death.

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