Chapter 40

“What?” I became dumb for a moment.

It has been a week of staying here in the Philippines and I couldn’t believe that suddenly, he’s acting this way.

He shoved his hands inside the pocket of his pants.

“Let’s break up.” He repeated.

And since I’m not a woman who would beg for reasons nor cry over a man stay.

“Okay. If that’s what you want, then why not?” I shrugged it off although I felt a pang in my heart, still, I acted composed.

His jaw clenched.

How silly of me to ignore the signs of it for these past days. He was cold and distant but I chose to ignore it and now, standing in front of him, with moon watching how our love story will end along with the whimpering waves of the oceans just like my throbbing heart, he smiled at me.

And for the first time, I was able to differentiate that it was fake.

And fabricated.

But I chose to ignore it.

“I’m letting you go.” He uttered after a minute of silence.

Why?

You said earlier that you just want to walk with me until I reach my room but suddenly, why are you saying this words?

I chose silence over words.

“Next week, I’ll go back to New York with Lia.” He informed.

That punched my heart.

“And once I step in that country again. You’re not mine anymore.” He gave me his feigned smile.

I nodded and avoided his gaze. It was painful staring at those blue eyes showing signs of honing, waiting for my words to give him a hope of holding on.

But I was also hurting at his sudden break-up. This is me, I will always choose silence over words that could hurt me.

I’m afraid I might get hurt if I ask him why.

Because I know I lack in so many ways of being his partner.

And there are plenty of reason why he should give up on me.

Without any words, I turned my back on him.

With an aching heart, I moved forward. . .

Away from the person who gave me stairs to move up.

I stared at nothingness. Numb of my eyes that it wasn’t able to produce any tears of pain.

Maybe because I was expecting that by tomorrow morning, he would change his heart and mind thinking of the fact that he was just mistaken with his chosen words.

But it didn’t happen.

Another week had past, but nothing changed. He was distant as well as I am. My friends weren’t numb not to notice it while Lia who looks like she knew, kept on heaving a sigh.

“Tomorrow, Grayson and I will go back to New York. Have fun in here, guys. Make sure not to waste your one month vacation leave. Remember, we only got one vacation once a year so don’t stress yourself.” Lia informed us with a smile.

The pain became heavier at what she said.

We’re all currently at a buffet restaurant, when all turned to my direction, but I pretended not to notice it.

“Why, Grumpson?” Jason asked.

“Something important.” He said in monotone.

“Did something bad happen to both of you?” Haley can’t help but to ask.

Silence enveloped the surrounding.

I couldn’t help the pain anymore so I stood.

Grayson was looking at his plate, while all of them was waiting for my next.

“Grayson.” I called.

“Finally!” I heard Jason’s whisper gasp.

Grayson looked up to me.

I gathered all my courage.

“Can we talk?” I asked.

He nodded and stood up so I turned my back on them to walk towards a private place.

“You gossipers! Give them privacy!” I heard Lia shouted.

I stopped near the shore. The place was dark but at least it doesn't havr traces of people.

I huffed before gathering another batch of courage, and when I formed them into a group of soldiers, I faced my knight who betrayed me in the middle of a battle field.

“Why?” It was just one word but my voice instantly cracked.

He didn’t answer me. It was like, he was gauging my emotions before he can utter the words that has the power to break me.

“I. . . I’m not the perfect man for you.” He avoided my gaze.

“No. I know I deserve a man like you.” I tried my best not to crack.

His blue eyes looked at me in pain.

“I have an illness.” He confessed, whispering to thin air.

That wrecked my heart.

“I can help you heal just like what you did.” I smiled although I know it was a tormenting smile for him.

“How? When even I’m having a hard time healing on my own.” He shook his head.

I bit my lower lip to stifle my sobs. I’m hurting for him. He needs to break my heart because he thinks he’ll be a burden to me.

My steps went closer to him and with a trembling hand, I reached his, it was as cold as the breeze of the night along with his eyes that was as drained as the starless sky.

“Tell me your illness? I will listen, okay?” My voice was almost pleading.

His Adams apple bobbed along with his breathing that hitched.

“I-I. . . I believed that Dad is still alive.” He smiled full of bitterness.

I nodded, trying to let him see that I understand him.

His grip on my hands tightened.

He stared at my eyes sideways rhythmically.

“But he died.” He added, almost whispering.

“That’s okay.” I reached for his cheeks and caress it as gentle as I can.

“And I. . .” He couldn’t add another word.

“I’ll accept you. I’ll help you heal, okay?” I rubbed both his arms.

“I killed him.” He added that made me stop.

I need to get a hold of myself. Seeing his eyes that were asking for help, I know he’s stuck.

“You didn’t. . .” I don’t know if I was lying or not but since I don’t know the truth, I want to believe that what I said was the truth.

He gave me his weary smile.

“I just did. I remember everything the moment I saw the fire.”

“No. . .” I sobbed.

“Are you scared I might kill you too?” He asked, pain was etched on his tone.

I shook my head and hugged him as tight as I could.

“I know there are reasons. And I won’t ask for that if you’re not ready.”

“I can hear dad’s voice.” He whispered.

I sobbed hard.

“I am real, Grayson. My voice is real so focus on my voice.” I hugged him as tight as I could.

He’s not even crying. He didn’t sob, all he did was to rub my back as if I was the one who’s hurting but I am hurting, I am hurting in behalf of him.

I didn’t know how wreck he is inside and I am so selfish for not noticing it even if I know his eyes were telling me that he needs me.

How unselfish of him not to care for his own feelings. He chose to let me go but I chose not to hurt myself.

Now, all I want to say is the word. . .

“I love you.” I whispered as I stare at his face in deep and peaceful sleep.

I caressed the handsome features of his face and smiled at the sight. Facing him while my pillow is his right arm, I felt home and I wish he felt the same way whenever he’s with me.

It’s already deep in night, a lot are definitely sleeping, the moon’s already at it’s Arcadian state, but here I am, staring at his face as if this will be the last time.

I covered his body with the comforter and kissed his forehead.

“Heal please.” I begged at nothingness as I kiss his forehead.

My eyes unconsciously shifted back to his night stand. I’m sleeping here in his room, the lights are already turned off and only the lamp that was left open, beside it was an MP3 Player with a sticky note on it.

I looked at Grayson who’s in deep sleep, his arms were wrapped on my waist so I removed it off and grabbed the MP3 Player.

Everything again became blurry after reading the note on the MP3 Player.

This is for my baby when we’re not together anymore. I know you would hate me but if ever you feel lonely without me, listen to the song I dedicated for you :)

- your ex

I felt a pang of guilt for he still cares for my state even if he’s not okay yet I was selfish for only thinking about myself.

I gulped the lump in my throat and with my trembling hand, I put the earphone on to listen to the song he dedicated.

“When my head is full of questions,
And the sky is full of rain. . .” It was his deep and cold voice that I could hear.

I’m listening to his voice. And the guitar. He was strumming the guitar. I looked at the guitar against the wall, and I realize that while I was busy not minding him for the past week, he was also busy worrying about my state if he’s gone in my life.

“‘Cause if we just smile,
We can forget all of our troubles for a while,
We can just live inside this moment,
You and I get through the darkness
Knowing we’ll find the light. . .”

I smiled and closed my eyes.

“We’ll find the light together, Grayson.” I uttered and kissed his hand before dozing off while listening to his addicting voice.

The next morning, I became more clingy towards him and he’s not complaining.

“So you’ll postpone the flight?” Haley confirmed.

“Uh-huh.” Grayson answered.

My smile widened and tightened my cling onto his hands with my head on his shoulder.

Haley was looking at me with disbelief but I chose to ignore it.

“I sense something! Did you have a score, Grumpson, huh? What happened to the ‘Can we talk?’” Jason imitated my voice yesterday.

I rolled my eyes but he didn’t see it because I’m wearing Grayson’s aviator.

“Enough with the comeback. Let’s have a breakfast.” Lia announced.

Herra and Andra was screeching in a low tone while Haley was shaking her head as if bitter but Jason was smirking to Grayson, concluding dirty things inside his head just by looking at his face.

“Love,” I called Grayson in the middle of eating.

Lia coughed.

Haley spat her water.

Jason chocked.

While Andra and Herra’s jaw dropped.

I looked at them with my confused and innocent eyes.

What’s wrong with what I did?

I turned to Grayson beside me who looks shock too.

But nevertheless, I scooped a soup and reached for his mouth.

“Ahh. . .” I said with mouth open as if I’m feeding a baby.

Confused, he opened his mouth so I fed him and smiled at him.

“What did you do overnight, Grumpson? Mind giving me an advice?” Jason asked, fascinated by what he just saw.

“Oh my god. Where’s the cool and cold Alessia I know?” Haley asked in her exasperated gasp.

Grayson tilted his head as if observing me but I pinched his cheeks and gave another spoon for him to eat.

Later on, he enjoyed being fed by me. He was not even moving his hands as if waiting for me while a smile never left his face. His hands were just rested on my thighs and I let him while I was busy taking care of him.

“I never regret being single  not until now.” Haley uttered with full of disbelief.

“I know right.” Lia agreed.

“How good are you in bed, Grumpson? Wanna give me tips?” Jason once again assumed.

Haley gave him a big shot on his head that his forehead banged on the table we’re eating.

We both didn’t mind them and continued our own worlds until they decided to leave because they feel out of place in this table.

“Love,” I called.

He didn’t answer.

I looked up to him and he was smiling so I smiled too and leaned back my head on his chest. We’re both in one sun lounger with umbrella above to protect both of us from the sun. Our friends were playing on the sea while we were watching them.

“Yes, my baby?” He answered and kissed my head.

“What do you want me to be?” I asked while staring at the sea.

His hands that were wrapped on my waist caress it.

“Of course, to be my wife.”

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

“Not that. My dream back then was to be an engineer but I didn’t get to reach it so today, my dream is what my love’s dream for me.”

“Hmm. . . I want the world to see how beautiful my wife is.”

I looked at him but his eyes were looking above as if thinking of something deep.

“The world to see me?” I asked.

“And by that. You’ll voice out to all women that they’re all beautiful the way I see your beauty.” He pinched my cheeks.

My brows raised.

“So everyone is beautiful in your eyes?”

He laughed.

“Everyone can be beautiful and its up to them if they’ll see it or not, if they perceive or conceal it, if they love or hate it. And for me, you’re my world’s beauty queen with a humble heart.”

“So you want me to be a beauty queen?” My brows rose up.

He laughed.

“I want you to be an inspiration to your fellow woman. Maybe yes? But it’s up to you.” He shrugged and smiled at me sweetly.

I hugged him and he hugged me back.

“Someday, I will. And you’ll be proud of me.” I uttered with a genuine smile, looking forward for my future.

“I’m already proud of you.” He kissed my head.

“We’ll reach that dream together, right?” I asked.

“Of course, my baby.”

Liar.

My world completely wrecked at the mere sight of my boyfriend and Rhiana, kissing.

“Grayson. . .” She moaned on the video.

The pain that were tired of producing any product of tears gave up. I thought I wouldn’t cry over a man who will wreck my heart and Grayson was the least person I thought would do such thing but here I am, immobile, pale, crying over a man who can do a vice thing over a lustful escapade.

He was sitting on the couch while Rhiana was on his lap with only underwear on, he has no shirt and the way he kiss her was painful for my ears to hear.

Even though with his eyes that were closed and face that Rhiana kept on hiding for him not to see the camera, it was already enough and tormenting for me to watch so I ended up avoiding my gaze towards the video Rhiana showed me.

“He still loves me.” She said with a smirk.

I can feel the excruciating pang in my heart and as much as I wanted to hide it, my tears were subconsciously betraying me along with my sobs that wanted so bad to get out from my mouth.

“We had such a nice vacation here in the Philippines, don’t you think?” She asked me with a vicious smile.

I slapped her. Real hard. No caps. All pain.

Her smile faded as she feel the sweetness of my palms dedicated for the bitterness of the dirt on her face.

“My palms deserve to get dirtied by your face for pitying a woman like you.” I uttered with so much resentment.

She laughed full of viciousness.

“So you also get mad, huh? Poor you, I never thought you’d be a fool—”

Her words left her the moment her cheeks felt a knock from my fuming fist.

“You’re such a fool for loving a man like him.” I uttered before turning my back on her.

With a hard breathing, I stepped away, afraid I might hear another words that could crash my world into pieces completely.

“No! You are such a fool for believing him that he loves you!”

I swallowed another batch of forming sobs coming from my shattered heart.

It’s already night. Tomorrow is the day of our flight and I couldn’t accept the fact that the moment my feet will touch the ground of another country, I’m not his anymore.

My feet stopped walking when I saw the man whom I trusted but ended up wrecking my heart in the end, walking its way towards me.

Everything was painful. The raging waves of the sea along with the throbbing heart of pain from my heart was the only sound I could hear, the starless sky of the moon and the sleeping moon under the flash of azure was opposing to my awakened mind realizing the fact that he . . . didn’t love me.

The cold breeze that hugged my trembling body juxtaposed with my eyes as I stare at his. 

“I saw the video.” My voice was cold the moment he stopped in front of me.

He stared at my eyes.

I mockingly laughed at myself with how I almost believed the pain on his blue eyes.

“You saw the video?” His voice was low and in anguish.

I scoffed.

“So you knew?” I asked in full of disbelief.

“I told you—”

“You are such a jerk! I regret loving and trusting a man like you!” I burst.

“Believe me! I didn’t want any of this to happen!” His voice was begging.

I shook my head and stepped backward when he stepped forward.

“Thinking of it. You never  trusted me. You said you would lose me the moment you trust me, right? Well that’s great! Because I lost you the moment I trusted you!”

“Alessia. Please. . .” He begged and reached for my hand but I dodged it off.

“Ungrateful bastard.” I spat with full of resentment.

He bowed his head with full of shame.

“Dare to step closer or I'll lose my remaining composure.” I put emphasis on my words before turning my back on him.

But before I could leave, I heard his last words.

“I thought you’ll be with me . . . and help me heal. . .” He whispered in thin air.

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