Chapter 4

Trigger Warning: Suicide

I felt like my limbs was punched by a hammer as it gave up and fell onto the floor. I was speechless, unable to utter any words as I felt how my world collapsed like a massive amount of earthquake with just the doctor's words.

My mom sobbed but I couldn't cry, seems like my eyes were pushed into its limits to the point it was tired of producing any drop of water. I was just staring blankly at nothingness, silently battling the pain from the inside as it was slowly ruining my mental stability.

Yes, my sister has a brain tumor but we thought that she'll be able to pass it through medications recommended by the doctor as it was not that severe that time but now...

Shit. Stage 4.

"And it is best treated by surgery to remove as much of the tumor as possible, followed by chemotherapy and radiation. It will probably cost $91,000 or more with radiotherapy and imagining cost which she also needs to get surgery as much as possible."

Shit. Shit. Shit. We don't have enough money for her treatment.

I felt like I was drowned once again but this time it's different, because this time it's a mix of hell of anguish and sea of agitation were both fire and water collided resulting to a never-ending saga of restlessness.

When will all this shit ends?

I miss my sister's smile.

And the way she...

"Alessia..." calls me with her angelic voice.

She was lying on her bed full off shits in her body in this damn isolating room and I can't help but pity her state.

"Yes?" I sweetly said and went near her.

I didn't even get the chance to change my clothes because I was so damn worried to the point that I know I sting as I was still wearing the jacket of the hill man, and still in my school uniform.

I sat beside her and fetch her hand to squeeze it tightly with my two palms.

"I'm hungry. We didn't have any breakfast."

I thank God that I didn't get to spend the money from the man from the hill. Even I, am hungry too.

"Okay. I'll come back," I softly said and kissed her forehead.

Probably, mom's finding my father to inform her about the tragic news so currently my sister's alone.

I sauntered my way out of her hospital room in order to head down and buy something since I saw a convenience store near the hospital. It was a medium huge store full of non-frivolous things. My stomach suddenly growled just by looking at those delicious snacks and hell they're so expensive.

I fetched 2 cup noodles and 2 refreshments enough for the money that the man from the hill gave me. And when I was about to pass through the chocolate section, I stopped in the middle of sauntering and looked at those chocolates.

I once did get a taste of chocolate but it was because I stole it from one of my classmates just so me and my sister could get a chance to taste those and it was a one of a hell great bite as if I want to savor every morsel of it.

Yep. Stealing is bad but I'm a bitch so it doesn't make me less of a bitch if I don't steal those chocolates and I didn't regret it.

Except for now that I'm drooling over it.

Shit you, Goya. Why do you have to be that tasty?

"Oh, Ms. Oh shit. Are we that destined to meet?"

I shriek because of a sudden voice from behind.

"Seems tasty right?" He said.

My forehead knotted when he swiftly slid all the Goya I was staring at in his shopping basket like what the hell? I tore my gaze off of the basket and looked up to him who's currently wearing a gray hood and so therefore, I couldn't see his face but he's damn tall.

"I hate braggers," I growled as I rolled my eyes.

He chuckled, "see you later, Ms. Oh shit."

He then turned his back and went his own way out. And at the back of my mind, I was silently cursing him and the world for being so unfair.

I heaved a sigh and looked down on my spacious basket. For a minute, I stared blankly at it thinking when will the time happen when my basket would be full of foods that I like just like his?

Is that even going to happen? I guess it's impossible.

I shook my head when reality slapped me back and head my way to the counter. I gave my basket to the girl cashier who was eyeing me but I don't give a damn.

"Thank you," I simply said and fetched the small plastic bag.

"Ma'am! Wait!" She shouted when I was about to head out.

I looked back at her who's now carrying a huge plastic bag and then suddenly she gave it me.

"What is this for?" I asked, confused.

"Umm... Isn't the guy earlier your boyfriend?"

"Huh? To whom are you talking to?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"That handsome tall man who's wearing a gray hoodie. He's not your boyfriend?"

"He's not," I confirmed and shook my head.

She nodded and then gave me the plastic bag.

"That's for you. He said."

I confusingly opened the plastic bag and I was appalled just by seeing tons of Goya chocolate inside it.

This is too many from what I wanted!

"What? For me?" I asked, still astonished by what I just heard.

"Yes. Actually, there's a note inside. You should check it out," she blushed, maybe daydreaming she was in my position.

Just like what she said, I saw a note on the inside and so I fetched it to read it.

Oh, Ms. Oh shit. If I become your boyfriend, every 1 kiss is equivalent to 100 chocolates but you're not so that's just half :)

What the hell? Is he flirting with me?

"I envy you!" The cashier dreamingly sigh.

"Well, I don't." I coldly said.

I turned my back at her and sauntered my way out of the store. When the morning breeze hit my face I felt my feet stopping.

"Shit." I cursed and then fanned myself with my palms as I can feel my cheeks heating.

I shouldn't be flattered! That's a one of a hell cringe note!

"You're blushing, Ms. Oh shit."

"Oh shit." I unconsciously cursed when he's just behind me.

"So, this is the first time a man has ever flirted with you?" Even when I couldn't see him, I know he's smiling right now!

Did he just confirmed that he's flirting with me?

I didn't move. For some reason, I freeze, unable to utter any words that could burn him.

"I guess it is." He then grabbed the plastic bags I was carrying.

I looked up at him and he's wearing a face mask. Even his hood was covering his eyes.

"Are you that ugly?" I unconsciously asked.

He laughed. "No, I'm just afraid you might fall."

"Oh, I don't fall easily for flirtatious man, Mister."

"Well, that's a relief." He then turned his back on me.

I tilted my head and stared deeply at his broad shoulders when he stopped and looked back at me.

"Umm... where are you heading?" He then lifted his arms, showing the two plastic bags that I was carrying a while ago.

I shook my head and went near him to get the plastic bags.

"Don't treat me like a shit who doesn't have any arms to carry just two plastic bags. I can do it alone. You should head your own way."

"You're such a feisty woman, Ms. Oh Shit." He then whistled in a jokingly manner.

"Of course, Ethan. With just 1 kick you can say goodbye to your future dream children."

He stepped back and raised his arms on the air, surrendering.

"Easy there, young lady. I still want to have a lot of kids! Who knows? You might be the future mother of my children?" He laughed.

What the shit?

"Just kidding! You're being too serious!" He then ran his way out.

I didn't get to say anything. I was just speechless and I don't know why the hell is my heart even beating so fast like it was ready to compete in a horse racing competition.

Shit that man.

Yes. Shit men. They all are the same as my dad. They think they dominate everything.

Shit my dad.

And now, I need to once again, bear the excruciating pain from his heavy palms as he's currently staring at me with full of rage as if one slap wasn't enough.

"You asshole! If you weren't only an asshole then we should've have money for your sister's treatment by now! But because of you! We fucking broke up and now where will we get that huge amount of money?!"

He's basically scolding me in front of my sick sister who's just silently crying in her mom's arms. I didn't even get a chance to give her the chocolate or even the cup of noodle just so she could eat because this is what it welcomed me the moment I entered her hospital room, a great slap from dad.

"I'll work." I managed to be composed.

He scoffed. He's still in his uniform as he was worried with my sister's health, probably he left his shift just so he could visit her and just so he could scold me.

"You mother-fucker asshole. Do you think it will help?!" He spat.

"Then what do you expect me to do?! Be a mistress just like that fucking whore?! Find a filthy old rich man and give him my virginity?! Is that what you want me to do?!" I shouted which was the reason why I received a great amount of slap from him again.

"I regret having you as my daughter! Thank God we don't carry the same last name!" He shouted with all his might.

"I also regret having you as my father! When you! Yourself didn't even act as a one real father for both of us! But instead! You proudly acted as that of a great father for that whore's daughter!" I shouted back.

"You mother-fucker asshole!" He fumed.

His eyes accidently saw the two plastic bags I was carrying and so I immediately hid it but it was too late because he grabbed both my arms and mercilessly snatched it out of my hands.

"Huh! Where did you get the money to buy this tons of chocolates?!"

"That's for my sister!" I shouted and tried to reach it but he didn't let me reach it.

"You probably have her money, don't you?! Give me the money!"

"I don't have her money! I will never accept a money from a bitch or a whore!"

"Stop being selfish, Alessia! Hand me the money for your sister's treatment!"

"Why can't you all believe me?! I'm so sick of explaining my side! I said I don't have it!" I almost lost my voice because of my shout.

"You fucking liar!"

My eyes widen when he turned his back at me and then head towards the window.

"No!" I shouted when he mercilessly threw the two plastic bags outside the window.

"That's what you deserve you fucking liar!"

"That's for my sister..." I weakly mumbled.

I looked at my sister who was crying silently and was having a hard time breathing.

"She didn't get to eat anything! That's for my sister!" I fumed at him.

"You asshole! I bought her a food! Starve yourself!"

"D-Dad..." It was my sister.

"Get out of this room! You don't deserve any food! You're just like your mother! Stupid liars!"

"N-No. Dad, please don't." My sister begged.

"It would be best if you die in the middle of the street." He said in a stern voice.

A tear fell from my eyes as I look at his cold blue eyes. He avoided my gaze and closed his eyes and heaved a sigh.

I smiled.

"At least I'm thankful that for once, my sister got to be treated like a real daughter."

I turned my back at them and head my out.

"Alessia!" My sister called me.

"Let her." It was mom.

Or should I say— step mom.

I was just unconsciously walking, not knowing where should I head. I felt like I was a beggar: hungry and hopeless. And even though I have a family and a house, I never really did feel at home like what others normally would feel.

I feel like an outcast.

I feel like I don't belong in this world.

I feel like the world is being too much for me to handle.

I feel like not living anymore because life doesn't deserve me as well as happiness do.

I closed my eyes as I felt the warm breeze hugging my body tightly as if it doesn't want me to let go of my ugly life.

I stepped forward towards the pond that has been my favorite place for 15 years of my life, thinking of drowning myself in such a beautiful place since after all... my life has always been ugly so doesn't it deserve to die in such a beautiful place?

Will my dad be happy if I die?

Will my beautiful sister be sad?

Will mom... well, real mom, cry over my death?

Will the world celebrate if it successfully made a pest leave out of its nature?

And when I was about take my last step, one strum made me stop.

"When my head is full of questions
And the sky is full of rain..."

It was the man from the hill. Singing in his soothing voice.

"When I'm worrying about what I can't change
I try to look in my reflection
And try to make a funny face
And for a second all my sorrows melt away..."

I unconsciously looked down at my reflection in the pond and I saw how my face was etched with desolate.

"'Cause if we just smile
We can forget all out troubles for a while
We can just live inside this moment
You and I get through the darkness
Knowing we'll find the light..."

A tear fell from my eyes as I look at my reflection.

"If we just smile
If we just, if we just
If we just smile
Yeah, if we just smile..." His voice was really comforting as if it was stopping me to do such a horrible thing.

I don't know why but it was like his voice was pushing me to push myself to smile and so I did. And as I stare deeply at myself, I ended up laughing at my horrible face.

My laugh soon turns into a stifle cry, thinking of how horrible my thought was. That was such a hideous act and I loathed myself for thinking such a crime of killing myself.

He embraced me, once again, in a time where I was miserable.

In a time where I feel like the world has deprived me of its little amount of happiness.

"Oh, Ms. Oh shit. It will be such a great loss for the world if you die."

And just for once, he let me feel the kind of feeling I've never felt in my whole 15 years of living...

and that is being a person who's worth it.

As I've always felt worthless not until today.

——————————