Chapter 26

“What? When? Why? What happened?”

My heart was thumping as loud and fast as it could with the abrupt news that for a moment, it made me immobile.

“Yesterday. . . she died out of heart attack.” Her voice was drained.

“Where’s she?”

“Your. . . your mom said that. . .” she avoided my gaze. “She’s the one who’ll handle her funeral.”

I hugged her again but she didn’t cry. It feels like she’s already tired and drained of crying.

She hugged me back.

“I’m really ashamed. Mom was too. I know mom was really ashamed by the fact that she needs the help of the woman whom she betrayed. Karma like you said. Is this how bad karma can be?”

I sighed and didn’t respond.

“Before she died. . . before she left. I shouted at her. And I. . . I regretted it so much. I shouldn’t have shouted. I shouldn’t have let her leave the place.”

“Why? Where did she go?”

She hugged me tight.

“I-I scolded her. I-I told her to leave dad alone because she kept on visiting him. I scolded her for loving such a monstrous person. I scolded her for being such a fool.”

I gulped the sudden lump in my throat.

“But she loved him so much. . . she loved him. She was so blinded by love that even a sin was not a hindrance for her! That even the guilt she’s been living all this years didn’t stop her! But he! He’s such a monster! He’s a merciless person! He has no conscience!” She fumed and cried.

Love. . .

How far can love go?

Is it even called love?

Or is it a fear mistaken by love?

“She told me that she has this kind of fear I had also felt when I was living with your father. It was toxic. Your father and I had a toxic relationship back then.” It was mom who sat beside me.

I didn’t respond. I continued watching my sobbing sister in front of mom’s grave. It has been a week since she died but the pain still lingers from my sister’s heart and I hate to see her suffer.

I wanted to console her but I couldn’t because I know no words can make her happy, no words can fill that empty gap in her heart, no words can feel the pain of losing a mother whom she felt loved. . . even just a little.

So I just stayed far from her, with leaves of tree above me and tree trunk against my back, I was motionless while staring at my sister, sobbing all she could, talking to her mom, saying all the things she failed to say when she was alive.

“Just like her mom, I feared of being left alone so I ended up staying in our toxic relationship. Her mom. . . I know her mom felt ashamed that if she leave him, she’ll end up being pitiful, people will end up pointing their fingers at her because of her sin. Saying it was her great karma.”

I bit my lower lip at our last argument.

“Well, actually, it is a karma, to be honest. That was what I felt too. That’s why I didn’t leave your father because I also committed a sin even when he was already abusing both of us.”

I looked at mom beside me but her eyes were stuck at my sister.

“You’re a mistress?”

She shook her head.

“I’m not a mistress. I was your father’s first. My parents. . . they don’t like my relationship with him so we ran away from them. I was a rebellious daughter, you see.” She laughed.

I didn’t laugh. I stared at her.

“I was so inclined at being stubborn that it was already too late to realize that what my parents did was right. I wanted to live with him even when we were still young back then but they want me to pursue collage and quest my dreams. But what I did? I contradicted what they wanted. I was blinded by love, I guess.” She chuckled and shook her head.

“Did you love my father?”

She sighed but she didn’t answer.

“But it turns out, he loved another woman and he was just using me to move on. That’s when I met your father.” She continued.

My forehead knotted when I realized that the man she eloped with was not my father.

“I was ashamed that I didn’t go home so I decided to live with your father. How rebellious daughter, right?”

“Did you love my father?” I asked again.

“No. And that was what we both did wrong. I took advantage of his offers and he took advantage of my heart ache. In conclusion, we used each other. He loved me but I didn’t.”

“So it turned into obsession.” I added and looked back at my sister.

“Yes. It turned into obsession. At first I thought it was just normal possessiveness. He feared whenever I contact with my guy friends. He feared whenever I talk to guys. He feared whenever I go outside because he knew, I didn’t love him. He thinks there’s a big possibility that I’ll end up leaving him alone. I let him feel all the insecurities, and I didn’t give him enough security and love.”

“You shouldn’t have stayed if you don’t love him. You shouldn’t have gave him hope.” I said in disappointment.

“I admit it. I was selfish. I used him in order for that guy who used me to see that I’m happy without him even when truth is, I’m not really happy.”

“And from insecurities led to fear that turns into obsession, you’re the one who suffered in the end. Why didn’t you leave my father?” I looked at her.

“Because the guy who broke my heart was happy with its own family. I tried to make our family happy too. I was insecure too and. . . I was afraid of being judged.” She bowed her head and clenched her fist.

“Why would you be afraid of being judged when it's you who in end who’ll suffer? Why would you care what others think if what you’ll do is for yourself? It’s not them who’s in your position to dictate you because it’s you and you and no one else but you who has the right to do what you want for yourself and not others.”

She looked at me and a tear from her eyes fell when she smiled.

“I was naive back then, sweetie. I didn’t know how to handle the society’s views and definition of perfection so I hid myself. I was not like you. Strong.” She tucked the strands of my hair behind my ears.

I avoided her gaze.

“I’m not strong. I just hated life to the point that I contradicted every society’s views and perception.”

She sighed and grabbed my hand.

“I was afraid of the thought that my parents, they’ll point their fingers at me, saying it’s all my fault so I stayed even when I don’t want to. I’m afraid of being laughed, being point at, at being pitied. It just happen that I was afraid of anything outside so I isolated myself inside our toxic relationship.”

I sighed. I know I can’t blame her because I was not in her position in the first place.

“And her mother. . . she was stuck with guilt and past. She fears the thought of living her sins she committed because her mind says that he’s a responsibility for her to handle, that it’s her fault so she should bare with the consequences.”

“So it wasn’t love.” I said.

“Love has forgiveness, patience, empathy, warmth and respect for one another. What her mother and I both been through was not love, we were blinded by the fact that we thought it was love but it was fear and guilt mistaken by the word easily used but hardly felt, love.”

I sighed.

“Is love really that hard?” I asked her.

She smiled.

“With the right person and time, everything would be easy. Just trust the process of love.”

I nodded.

“What if it’s the right person but the wrong time?” I asked abruptly.

“Why? Am I in the wrong time?” A sudden voice of a man from behind that made me shriek.

Grayson sat beside me and gave me a Goya then she gave one to my mom.

There’s even a note in the chocolate so I unconsciously shook my head.

Cheer up, my baby :)

-your handsome boyfriend.

“Why? I think I’m in the right time.” The man beside me uttered and looked at his watch. “4:30 pm. It’s the right time right? With the right person.” He winked at me.

“I think Grayson is indeed the right person for you.” Mom said that made Grayson smile wide.

“Right, mom?” He asked.

“Yes. Full package.” She winked at him.

I didn’t even know how they become close all of a sudden.

Maybe it was Lia who introduced her to him.

“I’m the best soon-to-be son-in-law, right, mom?”

I looked at Grayson, shock.

“You’re planning to marry my daughter? That fast?” Even mom was shock.

“Because he wants to lock her at instant in his arms, Aunt. You see, many are dying for your daughter.” It was Lia’s voice who appeared out of nowhere.

I scoffed.

“As if.” I bit my Goya.

“Well, my daughter is indeed pretty.”

“I admit. I almost fell at first sight. If Grumpson’s eyes weren’t that perilous.” It was Jason.

Oh right, they were at the ceremony earlier. That’s why his friends were present until now.

“Fucking bastard.” Haley’s still here.

“Why is the guy who just confessed became quite?” It was Lia, teasing him.

“That’s not a confession. That’s  a fact.” Grayson corrected.

“Don’t be so confident.” I muttered in the middle of eating my Goya.

“Well, I’m confident that you’ll be my wife.”

Jason whistled in his playful and frisky tone.

“I wish all.” It was Haley.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and put the strands of my hair behind my ears, staring at me but I don’t give a damn shit about that because my chocolate is my top priority.

“The Grumpson is in his in love mode.” Jason whispered.

“I wish I’ll find a guy like Grayson who stare at me like that. Not a guy who’ll irritate me every time I see his fucking face.” Haley said in thin air.

“I wish I’ll find a girl as pretty as—”

“You fucking bastard! I’m not pretty?!”

I didn't mind their banter, my eyes immediately went to Andra when I saw her walking in out way.

“Am I talking to you? Whom am I talking to?” Justin irritatingly asked.

“Andra—”

She passed by me as if she didn’t hear what I said.

I sighed.

She’s mad.

And I understand that. Because of me, she loathed her mom. And because she loathed her mom, she hates herself.

But still, I ran towards her.

“What do you want? I can buy you lots of chocolate.” I smiled.

She didn’t respond. Her eyes were straight to her front while her steps hastened.

“You want cup of noodles? You want, uhm. . . to eat in a fancy restaurant? What do you want? My treat!” I tried to sound happy to lessen her pain even though I know it wouldn’t.

She acted as if she didn’t hear me.

“How abou—”

“Just stop! Please! Don’t talk to me!” She burst out loud.

I stopped and she stopped too. There were tears again forming from her bloodshot eyes.

She covered her face with both her palms and cried.

“Andra. . .”

I hugged her but she pushed me away and wiped her tears off.

“Are you now happy?” She shouted.

“What?”

“Are you now happy? Happy that the woman you kept on calling mistress died?! Happy that the woman you said who ruined your family left me? Are you now happy, Alessia!” She fumed even when her voice cracked.

“Andra, I’m—”

“You! You always let my mom feel that she’s not worth it! You always slap that sin on her face! Now that she died, she didn’t even get to feel her worth! Even me, her own daughter! Loathed her because of you! And now I’m regretting it! I regret the fact that I didn’t get to show my love for her!” She cried.

“Andra. . .”

“Whenever I comfort her when she cry, I always slap the fact that I only pitied her. That I never did love her and that was all pity. That I only hugged her because I pity her as someone related to me. And she. . . she would always smile and accept the fact that her own daughter didn’t love her. That her own daughter hated her too . . .” She almost lost her breath as she uttered those words, her overflowing tears failed to stop even after wiping them off sever times with her palms.

“I should’ve loved her sooner. I should’ve shown her that someone loves her. But I didn’t. And I know how she felt unloved even when the day she closed her eyes forever.” She sobbed.

I reached her hands but she shoved it away.

“I wanted to love her but you! You always slap her her past sin so I ended up hating her! Loathing her! Can’t you see how she regretted it?! But you just kept on dwelling in the past! You are such a monster like our father!”

My eyes widened as my heart clenched in pain as those words from her echoed in my ears.

You're such a monster like our father.

“I’m not like our father.” My voice was restraining.

She sobbed.

“You are! Just like our father, you made both of us feel worthless and unwanted!”

She ran away while I was left immobile after those words hit my heart.

A tear fell from my eyes as I look at her figurine, running away from her own sister.

“I didn’t mean to. . . believe me, Andra.” I shook my head even though I know she couldn’t see me. “I didn’t mean to.” I bowed and cried without noice.

Was my love not enough to make you feel worthless? Did I really make you feel worthless and unwanted? Am I that bad as a sister?

Someone hugged me and by that presence, I already know who that was.

He sighed but he didn’t utter any words and I was thankful for that. I grip onto his waist and sobbed in his arms.

Until I calmed down.

He loosened his hug but my head was still bowed, not ready to lift my chin up.

“Wow. Sunset. Let’s watch it together.” He pulled me and I just let him.

We went in the small hill, miles far from the wide grave yard and then he removed his white polo shirt, leaving only his white shirt,  and settled it on the green grass.

He sat and smiled at me then he pat the space beside him.

I heaved a sigh before settling myself beside him.

“Beautiful, right?”

He pulled me closer and wrapped his hands around my waist.

I didn’t talk, instead, my eyes were stuck on the sunset.

“I want to sing a song. But I don’t have my guitar.” He chuckled.

I looked at him who was now staring at me.

“What song?” I asked weakly.

“‘Cause if we just smile
We can forget all of our troubles for a while
We can live inside this moment
You and I get through the darkness,” he touched the tip of my nose as he sang the song. “Knowing we’ll find the light
If we just smile. . .” he continued his song with a smile.

Unconsciously, I can’t help but to get infected by his smile, it was like he has this ripple effect.

“You sounds just like the guy I know.” I pointed that out.

He stopped singing, but still, a smile was plastered on his face.

“Who’s that guy?” It was more like a confirmation more than curiosity.

“The guy who saved me seven years ago.”

His smile dissipated and his face became solemn and it confused me.

His gazing my eyes as if he’s questing for something. With birds singing from above, it blended well along with the drums formed from my heartbeat that I failed to fathom on why is it even not normal.

“What would you do if the person who saved you seven years ago is in front of you?”

My breathing became shallow as my thoughts  starts to travel and form things I couldn't believe.

“What do you mean by that?”

He lifted my chin and brushed his lips against mine.

It was soft and tender as if it was there to calm me down.

But it didn’t last long.

“What can you say? Am I a good kisser. . .” he paused for a while. “. . . Ms. Oh shit?” He added.

My lips parted. Although I have a hunch the moment he asked the first question, still, I cannot believe the fact that. . .

The man who saved me seven years ago is the same man who healed me seven years later.

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