Chapter 21

She hugged me in such a tight manner and rubbed my back.

“It’s okay. You’re now fine.” She sighed.

I hugged her back and sobbed.

“He even. . . shot the gu-gun on her hands to stop her from protecting herself.” I cried.

“He can’t do that again. Don’t worry. Calm down, sweetie.”

“She. . . she kept on begging not to do it in front of me but he. . . he continued mercilessly like I wasn’t watching. Even. . . even when I was closing my eyes, mom’s shouts and begs and his. . . gro-groan and moan kept on hunting me. It was all in my mind every time my episode happen as if I-I was there again.” I almost cannot breathe with what I just uttered as I sob.

“Calm breathing. Do the calm breathing.” She rubbed my back.

I nodded and cried and cried and she was there, patiently listening to me.

And ever since then. . . I have always seen kissing and sex as a form of abuse towards woman.

Mom’s sob. I know she’s in pain while he’s kissing and doing that thing to her. It gave me guilt and shame with the thought that I wasn’t able to protect her against dad, because instead, I became a coward.

That’s why she left me after being in the hospital to treat her wounded hands.

Because she hated me for not protecting her.

“It’s not your fault, Alessia. Remember that your dad was the one who shot the gun not you. You have no sin, okay?” She gently said and rubbed my hand.

“But if—”

“No ifs. Your father is at fault. He was the one who did such a hideous act not you. Don’t blame yourself because you yourself is a mere kid back then.” She gave me a genuine smile.

I bit my lower lip and nodded.

“I advise you to everyday at least once a day, go to a mirror and repeat ‘It’s not my fault’ ten times or much better until you get tired. You have nothing to feel guilty of so don’t take the blame. I had a talk to your mother and she said that she wasn’t mad at you.”

My eyes widened.

“Mom?”

She pat my hands.

“Yes. She wasn’t mad neither  hated you because the fact is. . . she was ashamed of showing herself in front of the daughter she had left so don’t blame yourself.”

I gulped at that thought.

“It would be best if you have enough exposure with those of the things you have fear of in order to transmit the negative thoughts into positive one, with a thought that it wasn’t bad at all.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Desensitization, sweetie.”

I avoided my gaze and blushed for no reason.

Shit that desensitization.

She let out a low chuckle.

“Well, I presume Grayson had done that a thousand times. Am I right?”

“I don’t know.” I pretended not to know.

“Do you feel any changes?”

I gulped.

She stood so I followed her gaze. She went near her desk and grabbed her laptop and then hoofed her way again back to me.

“Watch this.” She said while her eyes were on the laptop.

I straightened my back and sat near her but my forehead knotted after seeing the video on the laptop.

“I love you too.” It was the girl’s line on the movie, I guess.

I grimace out of cringe.

Then they kissed on the screen in the middle of the rain.

It was a deep kiss. I even saw the man inserting his tongue inside the woman’s mouth.

Out of nowhere, I remember Grayson’s kiss. He kiss me the same as the guy from the movie, I wonder if that’s how all men kiss women.

She paused the scene after the kissing scene so I looked at her with a confusing look.

“What can you say?” Her smile was wide.

“Cringe. They should’ve kiss somewhere private. I mean why would they kiss in the middle of the rain where everyone’s passing by?” I said honestly.

She laughed and nodded.

“I can say that you. . . you’re slowly in the phase of healing. Keep spending time with, Grayson. I bet he’s the reason why you didn’t panic with what you saw.”

Wait.

I paused for a while after realizing what she said.

I didn’t have an attack when I saw them kissing. Maybe because it’s on the screen? Mom and dad’s face didn’t even appear in my mind.

Because all I had thought after watching that scene was him.

“You can start by seeing your mom if you feel that you’re ready but if you don’t think you can see her alone, you can ask for Grayson’s presence. Then. . . go to elevator with Grayson so that you’ll overcome your fear with it.” She trailed off.

I nodded and nodded. Trying to remember all what she said in order to do them.

“Do you watch porn?” She asked in abrupt.

My forehead knotted.

“Why? What’s that movie?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“I mean. Based with what I just heard. One of what you fear is sex right?”

I heaved a sigh.

“It reminded me of their figure. Him on top of mom and on bed.” I trailed off.

“I’m not asking you to have sex with Grayson or something. That’s an option for you.” She said.

I avoided my gaze and gulped hard.

“But uhm. . . if ever you want to overcome that fear of intimacy, then you can ask Grayson about the movie.”

“Movie?” I asked, dumbfounded.

The side of her lips rose up but she stifled it.

“Yeah. Movie. Titled ‘Porn’.” She laughed.

I nodded.

“Okay. I’ll ask him if he’s free.”

She was laughing hard but I was confuse so I didn’t mind it. We continued our sessions with what I should do and think, afterwards, she prescribed me a medicine that is best whenever my anxiety attack or my episode occur.

“Let’s have our session every weekend, Alessia.” She smiled and grab the door handle of her office.  

I hoofed out of her office and parted my lips.

But no words escaped from my mouth.

“I know the reason. Your mom told me about it. Don’t worry, I know you feel thankful so you’re welcome.” She smiled.

I nodded and sighed hard.

“I’ll go.”

She nodded and waved her hand so I turned my back and walked away from her office.

“Alessia? Alessia!” One call of a woman made me stop.

I turned back and I saw Hera, smiling and waving at me but I gave her my stoic look.

She ran towards me.

“We didn’t get to talk last time. I miss you, you know. How about you? Did you miss me?” She uttered when she was already standing in front of me.

I didn’t utter any word. All I did was to give her my cold eyes, that’s all.

“By the way, do you remember white—”

“I didn’t.” I cut her off.

She paused for a while.

“What?”

“I said I didn’t miss you.” I repeated and sighed.

Her smile faded.

“That’s hurtful. You’re so cold.” She gave me her hurtful smile.

“Don’t act as if we’re friends.” I said in a blunt manner.

“We were, Alessia. We were each other’s first best friend, remember?” There was a slight optimism in her tone.

“But you ended it.” I turned my back on her and hoofed my way out.

I halted after hearing a familiar voice and name from the hospital room beside me.

“Grayson?” It was Grayson’s ex’s voice.

“Yeah. . .” His tone was forced.

I looked at the door in front of me and it was one of the patient’s room so I wonder if she was confine though she looks okay this morning.

“Yes! I knew it! So we still can fix our relationship, right?”

“Yeah. . .” It was long before he uttered those words.

“Let’s celebrate your birthday tonight! In my penthouse!”

It’s his birthday today?

“I’m busy. Just rest here.”

“No! I’ll be discharged later so please. . . let’s celebrate it!” She shouted with full of enthusiasm.

He sighed loud.

“We can do it overnight if you want! I’m very free! Your clothes are still in my penthouse.”

I didn’t listen any longer and decided to leave.

I’m already outside the hospital but the things I heard still lingers in my mind.

What day is today?

“February 20.” I uttered unconsciously and nodded. “February 20 is his birthday.”

“February 20. You’re talking about my brother, aren’t you?” Voice of a man from behind that made me shriek.

“White!” I shouted and held my heart.

He laughed.

“Call me Aiden instead. That’s a weird nickname, you know.”

I bit my lower lip and looked at him from up to down. He’s wearing a  black leather jacket and an aviator.

“You look like a celebrity.” I commented.

“Well, actually, I am.” He smirk.

“You are?” I asked, shocked.

“Soon-to-be.” He laughed.

I gave her my lopsided smile.

“By the way. Do you know what type of things your brother likes?” I asked.

“You’re asking the right person.” He removed his aviator and winked at me in a playful manner.

“I hate braggers.” I grimaced.

He nodded and put on the aviators back.

“I know what he likes. Dog toys. Dog foods. Dog cloths. Dog—”

“Not about his dog! Him!” I cut him off.

“Well, his dog is currently at my place. His baby is enough for him to be happy.”

I mentally rolled my eyes.

“But why would he give his dog to you?”

“Because you’re staying at his place. Sad to say but he sacrificed his dog for you.” He shook his head and let out a tongue clicking sound.

“I don’t need to know that shits. Just tell me what he wants.”

“You.”

My lips parted out of shock.

He laughed hard.

“Just kidding! You’re assuming things, little girl!” He uttered, still laughing.

I rolled my eyes and turned my back.

“Hey! Okay! Let’s go to the mall together and buy some cake for him!”

And that’s what we did. He was the one who paid the cake and I didn’t fight with it because he seems wealthy and rich.

We also had a grocery together. I decided to cook carbonara and cordon bleu instead of buying gifts since I don’t know his likings. I picked those ingredients that were needed for the recipe while he was pushing the cart.

“I’ve noticed that girls were glancing at me. I mean, I know I’m handsome and my presence is dominating but damn baby, they look like they’re going to eat me.” He blabbered while pushing the cart.

I didn’t respond while he kept on blabbering and blabbering frivolous things until we stopped in front of his condo unit.

“He said his passcode was his first crush. I don’t know what that was about. I just heard it.”

I didn’t mind what he said because I know that’s another frivolous talks with his never-ending saga of talking.

I entered the pin with what I clearly memorized before hoofing my way in. He was carrying my groceries while I was carrying the cake.

I put it on the kitchen table and he put it too.

“You’re not going to stay long?” I asked when he was about to head out of the condo.

“Yeah. You see. . . we’re not in good terms.” He scratched his nape. 

My lips parted out of shock.

“You’re not in good terms? Why?”

“Yeah. He hated me and I did something sinful. I was there in front of the hospital to greet him but then a villain seems to be in a bad mood, telling me not to disturb her favorite person when luckily I saw you. Anyways, just say happy birthday in behalf of me.” He smiled.

I wanted to ask more but he seems uncomfortable unfolding the topic so I nodded even when I wanted to ask and inquire him with lots of questions.

He left so I started cooking. I didn’t even got to change clothes because I was busy cooking.

It was more than an hour when I finished cooking both recipe. I even got a lot of cuts because I was not used to slicing meat. Sweats were all over my body so I decided to take a shower.

Instead of wearing another pajama, I decided to wear a simple white floral dress since I know this is his special day. I should at least be respectful.

I sat on the kitchen’s chair with my phone and patiently waited for his arrival. The cake, carbonara and cordon bleu is already set on the table. Every thing is se and he's the only one missing for this set-up to be complete. It was simple but I know it’s already good for both of us.

Seconds turns to minutes, minutes turns to hours, but still, I waited even though I know the carbonara and cordon bleu is getting cold. I bit my lower lip and looked at my fingers full of cuts then I took a glance at my phone’s time and it was already 10 pm but he’s still not here.

I heaved a sigh, but still, I waited for another hour.

Door bell rang so I immediately stood up and the corners of my lips rose up as I opened the door.

“You—” I stopped after seeing a man with cap.

The man looked at the paper he was holding.

“Ms. Alessia Mae Robins, Mr. Grayson Alonzo delivered a food for you. Kindly sign the paper and get your food.”

I stared at him but later on I nodded and followed his order. With a collapsed shoulder, I went near the kitchen table and put the paper bag on it. I opened it and it was a normal meal but there’s a sticky note so my heart fluttered.

Eat. I’m staying on a friend’s house.

-Grayson.

I bit my lower lip and played with my fingers as I remember what I heard this afternoon.

It’s impossible that he’s in her penthouse right?

It was a minute of thought before I decided to call him using the teleconference.

It rang three times before he answered it.

“Fuck. I’m busy. Don’t call me.” His voice was etched with annoyance.

I felt a slight pinch after hearing that unusual tone of him.

“Whe—”

He hung up the phone.

I bit my lower lip when I put the phone down. I sighed loud before heading my way towards the kitchen to wrap all the food I prepared.

I didn’t even get to eat but I never did feel hungry because my feelings were ruled by pain.

“It’s okay, Alessia. There’s always tomorrow.” I comforted myself while I was putting the food inside the refrigerator.

I force a smile to stop myself from bursting another shits of emotions I’m so tired of carrying.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.” I uttered softly at myself and inhaled deep.

With my phone with me, I went inside my room and locked it. I hoofed inside my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.

I was smiling but it looks fake. My eyes were squeezing with force in order to look genuine even though it was already covered with water but still, I managed to stifle them from falling.

“It’s not my fault. . .” I started doing the advise Lia gave me.

I was about to utter another word when my phone rang. I looked at it and my eyes immediately beamed after seeing his name on the screen.

He must’ve noticed I was the one who called him earlier.

I smiled and answered the phone at instant.

“Hello.” I wanted to control my voice but it was obvious I was happy.

“Rhiana. . .” He groaned.

My smile faded.

She let out a enticing giggle.

“By the way, I just want to inform you that he’s sleeping in my room. . . and on the same bed as mine. Bye.” She said with a victorious voice and my tears burst into falls.

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