Trigger Warning: Disturbing scene and mention of words that can be alarming.

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Chapter 18

My lips parted but I couldn’t utter any word as I was out of words to say.

“I’m not asking it to be instant. You can give it a thought. After all, my world is imperfect.” He looked back at the sunset.

Did he just confess?

“What will happen if I enter your world?” I asked.

He bit his lower lip to stifle a smile, still, his eyes were on the sun.

“We will be intertwined. We’ll be part of each other’s life to be exact.” He said.

It was silent. I looked at the sky to calm my wild heart, and mind that was tangled with a lot of thoughts going through my head.

“Are you metaphorically asking me to be your girlfriend?” I can’t help but ask that question.

He chuckled and looked at me.

“Isn’t that how you talk? You should’ve get it by now.”

I looked back at him who’s now smiling.

Shit that innocent smile.

“So I’m right?” I couldn't help but ask.

He tucked the strands of my hair behind my ear.

“I thought you’re a witty person but seems like you’re numb. Can’t you see that I like you through my actions?”

How can he admit that in a nonchalant demeanor?

“I mean. . . You said that’s your personality! It’s not my fault that I believe your actions are normal for a gallant man.” I avoided his gaze.

“Will I randomly kiss a woman if I don’t like them, young lady?”

I blushed.

“You said it’s desensitization!”

At my peripheral vision, I saw him smirk.

“Well, you can say that’s an alibi.”

I bit my lower lip and looked down on the pond to stifle a smile.

Shit.

“How do you know that I already entered your world?”

He was quite for a while so I looked at him who’s lips are now parted.

“I didn’t say that I already did! I’m just asking!” I denied.

“Oh. . . I thought that was fast,” he laughed.

“I won’t give you my answer yet.” I said and sighed.

Not now. I don’t know when.

Should I heal first before entering his life?

Or should I enter his life first in order for me to heal?

“Go upstairs and you’ll see how dark my world is. That’s when. . . you’ll give it a thought if you still want to be part of my life.”

I looked at him who’s now smiling at the sun. I’ve never thought that a person like him has a dark world.

You really cannot judge a person base on their facade.

“You. . . have a dark past?” I can’t help but to ask.

He nodded.

“That’s why my grandma hated me. . . and I understand her. Actually, I also hate myself.”

I didn’t respond. I just looked at his eyes that I soon realize was  hiding the depth of pain and sorrow through his comfort ritual smile.

He looked at me.

“Why? Are you now doubting to enter my world?” He chuckled.

If you hear it the first time, his chuckle seems genuine, but if you hear it afterwards, you’ll realize that his chuckle is his way of hiding his pain.

“You’re suffering too.” I pointed out.

“Really? I don’t know. I’m too busy hating on myself.” He looked at the sunset.

I sighed and looked back at the sunset.

Who would’ve thought that the person who’s willing to save me from drowning is also drowning in its own sea.

Unconsciously, I have this urge of comforting him but I don’t know how, so I just ended up leaning my head on his shoulder.

He stiffened.

“I thought the side of the wall or cabinet was the best resting place for my head but it turns out, it wasn’t.” I uttered softly.

“Is it my shoulder?”

“Isn’t that how you talk? You should’ve get it by now.” I mimicked what he said earlier.

He laughed.

“So I’m right?” He mimicked what I said too.

I smile but didn’t respond.

For a brief moment, I want the cascading sands of seconds to pause, the falling water of minutes to halt, and the rushing falls of hours to stop. Every thing. I just want to stay in this moment where the sun still shines and the light's still divine with him beside me, staring at the phenomenal beauty of the sky.

But I knew that won’t happen.

And it’s impossible.

Because that’s how reality works.

“I’ll just order food. I can’t move my hand.” He uttered and sat on the sofa.

I didn’t respond and hoofed my way inside my room to take a shower.

It was an hour. I don’t know what took me so long in the bathroom maybe I was too focus in cleaning my body for no reason but nevertheless I dressed myself with another pair of pajama.

“I thought you were asleep. The order is already here.” He was leaning on the head of the sofa when he glanced at me.

His hair is wet, maybe he took a quick shower while I was inside. And as usual, he’s wearing his white shirt that looks good on his body.

“That’s not a cute pajama.” He commented and avoided his gaze.

I look down on my gray sleeveless short pajama. It still is a pajama? He should be thankful  it’s not lingerie.

I sat beside him so he slid away from me and throw a little pillow on my lap.

He didn’t utter any word when he turned the television on.

“Here,” he was looking at the television when he handed me the food that was in the paper box.

I accepted the paper bag and removed the pillow on my lap before sitting in a lotus position.

His forehead knotted when he looked at me and glare at the pillow but I shrugged it off because I was too focus on the movie.

Seconds later, there was a pillow again on my lap.

Minutes later, I removed it again on my lap.

He groaned out of frustration and messed his own hair before leaning against the couch’s back rest.

I looked at him with confused look but he was glaring on the T.V.

“Why aren’t you eating?” I asked.

“I can’t move my right hand.” He avoided his gaze.

My forehead knotted.

From what I remember, he clearly used his hand to drive and as a strength on. . . top of me.

I nodded and shifted my attention back to the t.v.

He sighed loud.

“Where are you going?” I asked when he stood up.

“Eat.” His voice was not in the mood.

He grabbed the paper box using his left arm and walked his way towards the kitchen then he sat on the chair, facing me but he wasn’t looking at me.

I shrugged.

He sighed loud again.

The minutes drop and no one’s talking, only the human on the T.V was the left voice. I kept on glancing at him which I always caught him staring at me but he would eventually avoid his gaze and glare at the food in front of him.

I finished my food so I stood up but he hasn’t eaten half of him yet.

“You’re not going to sleep yet?” I asked him.

Without looking at me, he shook his head.

I nodded and hoofed my way inside the room. I brushed my teeth first before I decided to settle myself.

I’m already beside the cabinet but my eyes were looking at the half-opened door, waiting for him to come.

Seconds. . . minutes. . . hours. . . still, he didn’t come so I sighed and closed my eyes.

It was minutes and I was about to lose consciousness when I heard the sound of the door opening wide. I’m sure he’s here.

So I pretended to be asleep.

Until I felt a soft comforter covering me.

“Goodnight, my baby,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.

Shit.

I’m already falling hard.

It was minutes when I decided to stood up and went outside. The living room’s light was shut and only the light on the second stair was left open so I head there.

Slowly, I opened the first door but the light was shut so I head out and went to the second door.

With a small amount of step, I saw his bedroom so I confirmed that it was his room.

“Grayson?” I called.

No one answered.

But still, I entered the room.

The room was gigantic. There’s a huge bookshelf full of books, a study table beside the balcony, a master size bedroom and a huge bathroom.

I shriek when someone pulled my hand, pushed me slightly to leaned my back against the door and then he’s in front of me, the other hand was holding the door knob and the other was pinning me.

Shit. Not again.

“Where did you came from?”

“Closet. I removed my bandage.” He’s looking at me intently.

I gulped and looked at the side and there, I saw the walk-in closet.

“What are you doing here?”

“Huh?” I pretended not to hear him.

“You want to see what world do I have?” He asked in a serious tone.

I gulped.

He pressed the bottom of the doorknob beside me.

He locked the door. For what?

“You. . . I-I thought you have work.” I avoided his gaze.

“It’s my day-off today.”

I nodded, unable to utter any word.

“I’ll show you what my life is.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the walk-in closet. The closet was big but we entered another room inside it.

My grip on him tightened after seeing what’s inside it.

I looked at him with full of disbelief but he gave me a smile.

It was just a plane white room. . . Simple.

But there’s a rope on the ceiling and a chair, beside it was a small white table full of blades.

I grabbed his hand and that’s when I realize he has full of scars on his forearm.

I felt the ferocious throbbing of my heart due to pain.

“Why?” I asked him with a trembling voice.

He chuckled.

“Are you scared of me now?”

“Why do you have a room like this?” My voice was still trembling.

He tucked the strands of my hair behind my ears and smiled at me.

“I felt guilty. And every night, I feel like dying. I feel like I deserve to die. And with that rope, that will serve as a sign to point out to my Grandma that yes, I’m suffering alone because of what I did so she won’t be mad at me. At least she’ll pity me right? On my mind, I guess.”

“What’s the blade for?” My tone quivered.

“Oh. To stop myself from actually dying. The rope was just a props so I won’t feel guilty. I’ll harm myself using that blade whenever I think of using the rope to die.” He chuckled.

I bit my lower lip as I observe his smile. Fake smile.

“Crying is better than faking a laugh.” I said in a soft tone.

“I know. That’s why I’m laughing. Because I want myself to suffer.” He smiled.

I went near him and hugged him tightly.

“Cry,” I commanded.

He hugged me back.

“I don’t want to.” He laughed.

“I don’t want you to suffer.” I uttered softly.

He leaned his forehead on my shoulder and held my waist.

“My past. . . is darker. Do you still want to enter my world?”

“You and I get through the darkness.” I said.

He chuckled lowly.

“Knowing we’ll find the light. . .” he added.

I smiled.

“So just smile, Grayson.”

“I already am.”

“Genuine.” I added.

He removed his forehead on my shoulder and locked my cheeks with both his palms.

He smiled.

“Genuine.” He uttered softly

And. . . he kissed me.

I held both of his hands when he parted my mouth using his lips. His kiss was soft and slow as if he was tasting every parts and bits of my mouth.

But then I’m a fast learner so I kissed him back.

He stopped kissing me out of shock but I tip toed and continued the kiss.

That didn’t last long because I got tired of tip toeing so I stopped. I slowly opened my eyes so out eyes met.

“You kissed me back.” He pointed out, shocked.

I shrugged.

“Desensitization.” I said nonchalantly.

What a great alibi it is.

His eyes darkened.

My lips parted to utter another word but he kissed me again.

More deeper.

More passionate.

More intense.

As if he was finding more than that.

His kisses seems hungry so I held onto his hand for support when my feet started to move backward with his feet that moves forward, wanting and finding more.

Then I stopped moving backward when I felt a table on my back. Probably his drawer table.

And I leveled his kisses with the same intensity.

He stopped kissing me so I opened my eyes. We were both catching our breath while his hands where pinning me on the drawer table.

“Fuck. You’re a fast learner.” He uttered lowly.

Oh. This is the first time I heard him curse.

“I learned from desensitization because of yo—”

He kissed me again. I was about to kiss him back when he lifted me to sit on the table and I shriek out of shock.

There were watches on that table but he couldn’t care less because he swiftly slid them off to give my butt a way so they fell on the ground that made a loud noise.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and kissed him back while he bit my lower lip and entered my mouth with his tongue.

He sucked my lower lip and grabbed both of my legs to wrap it around his waist and then he lifted me once again.

“Shit. . .” I let out an unfamiliar moan when his kisses went down to my neck.

Beads of sweats starts to form once again with my nervousness that rose up but I didn’t protest.

He licked and bit my neck and unconsciously, as if it has its own mind, my jaw lifted to give him more access.

And I felt the soft bed behind me, him landing me on it, so my grip tightened on his shoulder.

Shit. I think I know where this is going.

He held the hem of my shirt and stopped the kiss so I opened my eyes, catching my breath.

“Can I?” He asked.

I gulped and tightened my grip on his shoulder. He’s not moving, waiting for my answer.

I. . . wanted to comfort him.

Is this a way of comforting him?

So I nodded even when I’m nervous.

Even when I think I cannot.

He pulled out my shirt, revealing my body so my breathing hitched.

“Are you okay?” He asked with a worried face when he noticed my fast breathing.

My sweats were evident of my nervousness so he wiped them off my forehead using his hand.

“I-I’m okay. . .”

He kissed me again on my lips so even when I’m nervous, I kissed him back.

His left hand traveled upward from my waist to my stomach close to my breast, he pulled the strap of my bra off.

No. Please don’t appear. Not now please.

With hungry kisses, it went down to my neck and sucked it while his left hand traveled behind my back.

Then he unclasped my bra.

“Grayson. . .” I cried because I can’t help it anymore.

He stopped.

“Why? Are you okay?”

My eyes were still shut but I can clearly see it again.

I didn’t respond but tears went down from my eyes so he pulled me to rose up.

“Shh. . . calm down. I’m right here.” He hugged my head.

I can see it again.

I can hear it again.

Shit. I want to do it with him.

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